polite way to offer to help pay for bridesmaid's dress / hotel

[Deleted User]

suppose there's a distant cousin, and you were very close as children and it would mean a lot to have her as a bridesmaid.  She went through tough times, and is now getting on her feet again.  She agreed to be a bridesmaid, but has been kind of unresponsive for several emails / calls / etc.  You have a good idea the 200 dollar dress may be a burden. How would you offer to pay for her dress in a delicate way?  You'd like to help, and you don't want to offend her. You haven't seen each other in years, so its not like you talk that frequently.  All the same, you want to pay for the dress.  Grateful for suggestions!

MobKaz

Did you discuss dress budget with her before selecting the dress?

[Deleted User]

yes, with all bridesmaids, but she wasn't really responsive.  I think part of it might be money, part of it may be that she has bigger fish to fry right now.  the dress will be picked this weekend by 3 bms who live in the same area (everyone agreed to this plan).  The dollar amount isn't set yet, but anything greater than 0 is likely to be a challenge.  

happybride42

I did this for a bridesmaid.  I simply told her that she was doing ME such a favour, by standing up with me that it would really make me happy if I could pay for her hotel room and her whole outfit.  She was nice enough to pay for her own plane ticket and I really felt it was the least I could do.  I just phrased it as, "please let me do this, it will make me happy!" and didn't refer to her having any financial hardship or difficulty or anything. 

happybride42

[Deleted User]

stonermoog; I like your approach.

KittyKaty20

This is why I maintain that the people in your bridal party should be the people you are close to now...not years ago, not years from now. Your wedding is not a family reunion, and it is not the ime to fix broken relationships. (General "you")

MobKaz

The dress in and of itself may be the least of her problems.  Weddings have expectations, and those expectations create a lot of stress, guilt, and anxiety.  Your cousin will be aware that there may be bridal showers, bachelorette parties, extraneous costs such as travel, lodging, perhaps even hair and make-up.  

You may try to remind her that those things are not important to you, but they all compound the problem.  You asking her to be a BM may have caught her off guard, especially if you haven't seen her in years.  Tell her you are happy to have her as a BM and would like to pay for the dress to show your appreciation.  Tell her the absolute last date that the dress can be ordered.  If she chooses not to order the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.  Allowing her to have a gracious "out" would be just as much a kindness as paying for her dress.

RedJacks25

It's not often I get to read something written in the 2nd person. Thanks OP!

I will be doing this for my MOH. We discussed dress budget, but I know that she really wishes she could afford more. So I am going to let her know that it would be my honor to pay for her dress.

TheGrimReaper

I paid for all my BM's dresses.  When we all went dress shopping and they got measured, etc., I just snuck the sales associate my card and told her to put the entire amount on there.  When they were all surprised, I told them I was so thankful they'd be in my wedding and wanted to take care of it for them.  If she's not coming with you this weekend to buy it, could you have the store place your card on file or pay for hers in advance so when she comes to get measured/have it ordered they'll just tell her it's been taken care of? Or when she calls and says she can't swing it, I would just say something to the effect of "I'm so happy to have you stand next to me in the wedding.  The dress has already been taken care of."  When she says anything else, don't go into reasons, just tell her you're happy to do this for her.

LDay2014

I did this for my MOH.  She recently lost her job and while she didn't say anything I know that she was regretting the dress shopping because even though she had told me her budget, I knew she was stressed about it.

Thankfully, since I just told my girls that they needed to get grey knee length dresses (beyond that I didn't care), she and I went shopping and I told her that I wanted to do this for her.  She cried, she was so relieved.  She gave me a huge hug and promised that if things turn around for her, she would pay me back...but I don't care if she does.  We've been best friends since we were 5 and it meant more to me that she be there beside me than her being stressed out about buying a dress.

No one else knows - besides FI, no one needs to.  It's not a big thing, like an unspoken secret between friends.