Alternatives to a Dance?

scarlettesong

My husband and I are finally having our PPD, after 5 years of marriage because the wedding was rushed and signed so that we could be stationed together. (We're both active duty military and I was days away from leaving to basic training.)  My family is very important to me, so we've chosen to hold it on a weekend when we already gather for family camping.

My wedding planner asked me about a DJ, and when I said I didn't have one, we discussed it a bit. I am still trying to work out the timeline, but I expected a Saturday afternoon wedding, dinner, then head off to the rodeo around 7:30pm. I felt like we weren't missing much by skipping the dance because I don't like cake (we'll have pie cutting for dessert after dinner) and my husband hates to dance.  She explained that the dancing time is often the 30 seconds each guest gets to spend face to face with the bride, and after focusing so much on family, I don't want to deprive them of that. I also understand that some would rather go back to their hotel than head to the rodeo with us.  Are there any alternative ways to get that face-to-face time with all my guests without running myself ragged during dinner or paying for a DJ and other reception costs?

OliveOilsMom

scarlettesong said:

My husband and I are finally having our PPD, after 5 years of marriage because the wedding was rushed and signed so that we could be stationed together. (We're both active duty military and I was days away from leaving to basic training.)  My family is very important to me, so we've chosen to hold it on a weekend when we already gather for family camping.

My wedding planner asked me about a DJ, and when I said I didn't have one, we discussed it a bit. I am still trying to work out the timeline, but I expected a Saturday afternoon wedding, dinner, then head off to the rodeo around 7:30pm. I felt like we weren't missing much by skipping the dance because I don't like cake (we'll have pie cutting for dessert after dinner) and my husband hates to dance.  She explained that the dancing time is often the 30 seconds each guest gets to spend face to face with the bride, and after focusing so much on family, I don't want to deprive them of that. I also understand that some would rather go back to their hotel than head to the rodeo with us.  Are there any alternative ways to get that face-to-face time with all my guests without running myself ragged during dinner or paying for a DJ and other reception costs?

This thread will tell you all you need to know: clicky. 

scarlettesong

That thread is needlessly condescending.  Anyone can have another ceremony if they choose, and I'm certainly not claiming that this new date is my wedding date. I know exactly when I was married.  Now perhaps I should call it a vow renewal if people are going to be that uppity about it, but it's my choice and not anyone else's to hold a celebration for all my friends and family to attend.  They are just excited as we are.

Regardless what that thread says, I would still like to know some alternatives to the dance portion of the reception.  We do not need nor want a "first dance" because we've been married for five years.

doeydo

scarlettesong said:

That thread is needlessly condescending.  Anyone can have another ceremony if they choose, and I'm certainly not claiming that this new date is my wedding date. I know exactly when I was married.  Now perhaps I should call it a vow renewal if people are going to be that uppity about it, but it's my choice and not anyone else's to hold a celebration for all my friends and family to attend.  They are just excited as we are.

Regardless what that thread says, I would still like to know some alternatives to the dance portion of the reception.  We do not need nor want a "first dance" because we've been married for five years.


There's nothing wrong with a vow renewal, just don't pretend that you are having a wedding.  This website might be helpful http://www.idotaketwo.com/vow_renewal_etiquette.html

CMGragain

Calling your party a "wedding" is insulting to the brides on the boards.  Call it a "'vow renewal"  and no one will be offended. 
I second the website that doeydo gave to you.  It has excellent advice for etiquette so you can have a lovely, meaningful celebration without looking greedy or ridiculous.
Dancing is never required at a wedding or a vow renewal.  Just visit with your guests and thank them for coming.

Etiquette differences for vow renewal: no big, pouffy wedding dress (a white gown is OK ), no bridesmaids, no wedding traditions like bouquet tossing, no gifts expected.  Also, no showers or bachelorette parties.

emmyg65

You don't need to have an alternative to dancing. Just have a large dinner party.

AddieCake

An alternative is not needed. We had face to face time with our guests by going to each table and visiting a bit with all our guests.

scarlettesong

AddieL73 said:

An alternative is not needed. We had face to face time with our guests by going to each table and visiting a bit with all our guests.

Thank you for everyone that gave me feedback.  I will perhaps do a receiving line before dinner to make sure I get to talk to everyone, and skip the dance. Thank you!

scarlettesong

CMGragain said:

Calling your party a "wedding" is insulting to the brides on the boards.  Call it a "'vow renewal"  and no one will be offended. 
I second the website that doeydo gave to you.  It has excellent advice for etiquette so you can have a lovely, meaningful celebration without looking greedy or ridiculous.
Dancing is never required at a wedding or a vow renewal.  Just visit with your guests and thank them for coming.

Etiquette differences for vow renewal: no big, pouffy wedding dress (a white gown is OK ), no bridesmaids, no wedding traditions like bouquet tossing, no gifts expected.  Also, no showers or bachelorette parties.

So based on these etiquette differences... I'm having a wedding.  I want a big white wedding dress, so I will have pictures and heirlooms.  I was pretty much told I better have X, Y, and Z as bridesmaids or they would be offended.  We're doing a bouquet toss, but at the rodeo.  How fun is that?  I'm not greedy and not expecting any of the gifts, showers, or parties.  This is entirely footed by me and my husband to give our families a chance to celebrate something they missed.  I specifically was told that my grandfather wants the chance to walk me down the aisle, and I would be an ogre to deny him that before he passes away.

Maybe it's because my family isn't up on etiquette that they expect these wedding things to be in our vow renewal, and frankly, I don't care.  That's fine!  If that bothers some people that I'm basically having a wedding 5 years in, they need to check egos.  "How dare she call her celebration thingy the same as my celebration thingy!  She's already married!"  Yes, read that with all the sarcasm you can muster.  Boo hoo. We're going to have a blast, and that's all that matters.  I'm not demeaning anyone else's wedding, but I'm also having a wedding.  Stop trying to demote my celebration or make it seem like a personal insult to you and every bride on the forum.  Everyone should just focus on making the day as fun and meaningful as possible!

Viczaesar

scarlettesong said:

CMGragain said:

Calling your party a "wedding" is insulting to the brides on the boards.  Call it a "'vow renewal"  and no one will be offended. 
I second the website that doeydo gave to you.  It has excellent advice for etiquette so you can have a lovely, meaningful celebration without looking greedy or ridiculous.
Dancing is never required at a wedding or a vow renewal.  Just visit with your guests and thank them for coming.

Etiquette differences for vow renewal: no big, pouffy wedding dress (a white gown is OK ), no bridesmaids, no wedding traditions like bouquet tossing, no gifts expected.  Also, no showers or bachelorette parties.

So based on these etiquette differences... I'm having a wedding.  I want a big white wedding dress, so I will have pictures and heirlooms.  I was pretty much told I better have X, Y, and Z as bridesmaids or they would be offended.  We're doing a bouquet toss, but at the rodeo.  How fun is that?  I'm not greedy and not expecting any of the gifts, showers, or parties.  This is entirely footed by me and my husband to give our families a chance to celebrate something they missed.  I specifically was told that my grandfather wants the chance to walk me down the aisle, and I would be an ogre to deny him that before he passes away.

Maybe it's because my family isn't up on etiquette that they expect these wedding things to be in our vow renewal, and frankly, I don't care.  That's fine!  If that bothers some people that I'm basically having a wedding 5 years in, they need to check egos.  "How dare she call her celebration thingy the same as my celebration thingy!  She's already married!"  Yes, read that with all the sarcasm you can muster.  Boo hoo. We're going to have a blast, and that's all that matters.  I'm not demeaning anyone else's wedding, but I'm also having a wedding.  Stop trying to demote my celebration or make it seem like a personal insult to you and every bride on the forum.  Everyone should just focus on making the day as fun and meaningful as possible!

No, you're not.  You're already married.  Unless you get divorced between now and then you're not having a wedding. 

CMGragain

A wedding = a couple, officiant, license and legal witnesses.  You already had that.  You don't get a do-over.
The people who are insulted include every bride who ever had a simple wedding like this.  My grandmother, aunt (also military), many cousins are included.
Weddings have nothing to do with the dress you wear or the number of people present.  A JOP ceremony is just as sacred and meaningful as a full ceremony with a dozen bridesmaids.  To imply that it isn't "good enough" is insulting. 
Your family loves you.  They wouldn't want to make you unhappy by telling you something that YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR.  We are internet strangers, and we will tell you the truth.  We have no reason to lie to you.
There have been many, many brides here that have tried the same thing you are planning.  A few have come back to tell us that we were correct, and that it wasn't as special as they thought to have a fake, re-do wedding ceremony.  Others have thanked us for leading them to a nice, proper vow renewal.  We have also heard from many PPD guests, who thought it was a ridiculous waste of money and a big show-off event.
I am sorry that you are unhappy with the responses you are getting, but we are telling you what many of your guests will be thinking.  I suggest you go post on the Military Brides board.  You won't get much sympathy there, either, though.

Jen4948

My father was on active duty in the military when he and my mother were married.  It was a small wedding with only their families there and no "PPD."

45 years later, they are still happily married and do not consider themselves less married because they did not have all the trimmings or a "vow renewal" afterward.  They never considered their vows in need of renewal.

You can have a celebration if you like.  You can have a vow renewal.  But whatever you have, your "wedding" took place five years ago.  All we are asking is that you not lie about that and pretend you are not "married" so that you can have a PPD.  Sometimes circumstances in life just don't permit it.  It is more mature, realistic, and graceful to accept that by not calling your event a "wedding" because it is not.  That boat has sailed.

kimberly0315

I don't think we are doing the dancing bit either.  We might, but if not I will just have to consciously see all of our guests.  We will only have 30 people because we are doing it in Hawaii so it shouldn't be hard for me.  A receiving line would be a good way to see each person.  But the line does keep moving so it won't be a lot of time.

As far as what you call it, who cares.  It's your day and your celebration.  I know I am not offended that you are calling it a wedding (and I'm in the throws of planning my wedding).  But everyone is entitled to their opinion.  And all of your guests won't be thinking or feeling the same way as other posters.  Some might, but I guarantee all won't.  I certainly wouldn't.  They are your family and friends and if they attend your wedding or vow renewal they are there to celebrate with you no matter what it's called.  

Jen4948

kimberlyw939 said:

I don't think we are doing the dancing bit either.  We might, but if not I will just have to consciously see all of our guests.  We will only have 30 people because we are doing it in Hawaii so it shouldn't be hard for me.  A receiving line would be a good way to see each person.  But the line does keep moving so it won't be a lot of time.

As far as what you call it, who cares.  It's your day and your celebration.  I know I am not offended that you are calling it a wedding (and I'm in the throws of planning my wedding).  But everyone is entitled to their opinion.  And all of your guests won't be thinking or feeling the same way as other posters.  Some might, but I guarantee all won't.  I certainly wouldn't.  They are your family and friends and if they attend your wedding or vow renewal they are there to celebrate with you no matter what it's called.  

The bolded does not fly in this forum.  One's wedding day is NOT "your day and your celebration."  Once you involve a single other person, it is no longer "your" day or "your" celebration.

And people do give very big damns about what they are being invited to.  Nobody likes being baited and switched.  If I'm being invited to a "wedding," I fucking well want to know that what I'm about to witness is in fact a "wedding" - that the couple didn't have a quick "legal" ceremony somewhere else and are just asking me to witness their reenactment, all dressed up with attendants, first dances, gifts, and all the other trappings that are for true weddings only.

thesummersky

I will second PPs on the fact that I would feel lied to and slighted if I was invited to a PPD that was called a wedding. If it's a vow renewal, I'd be honored to be invited.

As for just ensuring you talk to everyone, you could just make it a point to get to each table to chat with whoever's there. I'm not a fan of receiving lines since they feel forced to me, but if you came up to the table I was sitting at as a guest, I'd feel like you really cared about how I was doing and that you were truly glad to have me there. That's good hosting.

Recreationally, we're still trying to decide if we will have dancing at our reception. Right now, we're leaning toward having a table filled to the brim with board and card games, with some lawn games nearby. We'll have music going on in the background I'm sure and, depending on how everyone's feeling after a glass or two of champagne (and a long day of wedding festivities), there may be some impromptu dancing.