RSVP etiquette

marksgirl2014

We invited my fiance's uncle and aunt to our ceremony and reception.  We got the RSVP card back with his Aunt's name and one of her co-workers who neither one of us has ever met.  We don't feel it is right for her to invite someone other than her husband since the invitation was addressed to his uncle and aunt.

 Do we have a right to say this co-worker isn't invited and if so, what is the proper etiquette?  We wouldn't feel this way if the invitation had said "and guest".

  Help and advice?

 Thank you.

hlvonb

marksgirl2014 said:

We invited my fiance's uncle and aunt to our ceremony and reception.  We got the RSVP card back with his Aunt's name and one of her co-workers who neither one of us has ever met.  We don't feel it is right for her to invite someone other than her husband since the invitation was addressed to his uncle and aunt.

 Do we have a right to say this co-worker isn't invited and if so, what is the proper etiquette?  We wouldn't feel this way if the invitation had said "and guest".

  Help and advice?

 Thank you.

@marksgirl2014

I would call the aunt or have your fiance call the aunt and say we're sorry to hear uncle smith is unable to make it but unfortunately your invitation is not extended to anyone other than you and your husband and we can not accommodate your co-worker. If you're unable to attend because of this, we will miss you.

You could even add that you do not feel comfortable with having the co-worker there since you don't know them.

lyndausvi

hlvonb said:

marksgirl2014 said:

We invited my fiance's uncle and aunt to our ceremony and reception.  We got the RSVP card back with his Aunt's name and one of her co-workers who neither one of us has ever met.  We don't feel it is right for her to invite someone other than her husband since the invitation was addressed to his uncle and aunt.

 Do we have a right to say this co-worker isn't invited and if so, what is the proper etiquette?  We wouldn't feel this way if the invitation had said "and guest".

  Help and advice?

 Thank you.

@marksgirl2014

I would call the aunt or have your fiance call the aunt and say we're sorry to hear uncle smith is unable to make it but unfortunately your invitation is not extended to anyone other than you and your husband and we can not accommodate your co-worker. If you're unable to attend because of this, we will miss you.

You could even add that you do not feel comfortable with having the co-worker there since you don't know them.

This is something I just did not care about.  But obviously you do so I will ditto this advice.

marksgirl2014

So we aren't crazy feeling this way?  We just don't want to be rude.  Our ceremony and reception is small.  We only invited guests who are either related to us or have been a part of our life (college friends, our co-workers, etc).

  Thank you so much for the advice and what to say to the aunt. 

doeydo

Invitations are not transferable like event tickets or something.  It was rude of her to RSVP with someone who was not invited.  You are perfectly in the right to call her and tell her everything hlvonb posted.

HisGirlFriday13

Invitations aren't subpoenas. But they also aren't transferable.

I'd have FI call his aunt and say, 'I'm sorry, but the invitation was for you and Uncle. If he can't attend, we hope you still can, but we can't accommodate Friend.'

This is not a hill I would die on, but if you want to, that's the wording for your battle cry.

SP29

Agree with the above.

It was rude of FI's aunt to assume she could bring someone else instead- at the very least she could have asked. So you are within your full right to tell her, "Sorry, but we cannot accommodate Friend". You are also under no obligation to explain yourself (I think that can open you up to the other person trying to "figure things out" for you to make it work for them), just say "no". However, if aunt doesn't feel comfortable going alone, she may decline to come. It's up to you whether you'd rather have her there with a random friend (though I would assume she knows other family members?) or not at all. 

AddieCake

You have a right, yes, but Lynda and I are on the same page on this issue. I don't see what difference it makes.

KGold80

Is your aunt traveling some distance to come to your wedding? If so, maybe she just doesn't want to make the trip alone. While it is still rude to invite someone else, that seems valid to me. If you live in the same area, maybe it is worth saying something, but if she has to drive longer than an hour I would let it go.

phira

So this is a hill I'd actually die on, but it's because my family dynamics are such that 1) this would probably never happen because other family members would stop it from happening from the start, and 2) if they didn't, they'd be REALLY pissy and cold-shouldery about it and rude during the wedding.

My advice? Same as previous posters. Invitations are not-transferrable. Let her know that the invitation was just for her and your uncle, and if they can't make it, that's okay. Do NOT launch into an explanation of how you don't want someone you don't know at the wedding, because that never ends well.

MairePoppy

I wonder if fi's aunt needs a driver or traveling companion to attend your wedding. While you're correct that it wasn't appropriate for her to invite a substitute for her husband, I would probably just let it go. 

grumbledore

Personally I wouldn't fight this battle, but you've been given good advice if you do feel you need to.

huskypuppy14

It was rude of your aunt to invite this co worker of hers without asking. Everyone feels differently about this, but my opinion is you have to invite SO, but you don't have to invite someone's random guest. So you have to invite Uncle Joe because he's married to Aunt Sue. But if Uncle Joe can't come, you do not have to invite Sue's friend Sally. Just because you budgeted for 2, doesn't mean that you have to allow any 2 people.

s-aries8990

Does your aunt have to travel? - if she does have to travel at least a few hours, then let it go.

Is this worth causing family drama? - if it isn't, then let it go. If it won't matter, then have FI call his aunt with the above-listed advice.

melbenso

I got an email from a friend of our this morning (one of FI's oldest friends) asking if she could bring a friend of hers because her daughter cannot come to the wedding.  At least she asked, rather than just RSVP, but I was a little annoyed.  I'm going to talk to FI about it before giving her an answer, but my first reaction was cost of kids meal and a couple of non-alcoholic beverages is a fraction of the cost of adult meal and open bar for another person, so no.  It's not a hill I'm willing to die on.  But it wasn't exactly how I wanted to start my Monday morning.

Jen4948

It's not rude not to want to entertain some stranger in the place of an invited guest.  The cost has nothing to do with it.  You know your uncle, you don't know this other guest...and it's not up to your aunt who gets invited to the wedding, as she's not the host.

I'd respond to her, "Aunt, I'm sorry, but your invitation was only for you and Uncle, and is not transferable to others if one of you can't come.  I'm afraid we have to ask you not to bring another person in his place."

marksgirl2014

Thank you to EVERYONE! Your advice and thoughts have helped a lot.

  My fiance spoke to his mom (since it is her brother and his wife) and she said it was our call, but that it might "ruffle" feathers.  So my fiance and I decided to just deal with it and let it go. 

  A few days ago, his uncle called and extended his apologizes for not being able to make it (he is on call that weekend and can't find someone to take his shift) and that his wife felt uncomfortable going by herself.  He said it was rude for her to invite just "anyone", but that he hoped my fiance and I understood.
 
 It still bothers me that she did that, but I will just deal with it and enjoy my day. 

  Again, thank you for all the advice! 

amygrant20

Certainly I would suggest you to ask your fiance to address his aunt in the email or in the phone call to tell them that you have invited guests and their spouses only. I agree with @doeydo, the invites are not transferable to people you both do not know.

huskypuppy14

marksgirl2014 said:

Thank you to EVERYONE! Your advice and thoughts have helped a lot.

  My fiance spoke to his mom (since it is her brother and his wife) and she said it was our call, but that it might "ruffle" feathers.  So my fiance and I decided to just deal with it and let it go. 

  A few days ago, his uncle called and extended his apologizes for not being able to make it (he is on call that weekend and can't find someone to take his shift) and that his wife felt uncomfortable going by herself.  He said it was rude for her to invite just "anyone", but that he hoped my fiance and I understood.
 
 It still bothers me that she did that, but I will just deal with it and enjoy my day. 

  Again, thank you for all the advice! 

So this isn't even the aunt by blood, but by marriage. I know everyone's family dynamics are different, but I have some aunts who are just the wife of my uncle, and some whom I've known forever ,and are just as much family as a blood relative. I would probably be miffed if it was one of the aunts that was only invited because she's married to my uncle, and my uncle couldn't even come.

cherries1435

You are not crazy! I am feeling the same way.

We just got an RSVP back today from the groom's side - it is for his mother's friend (who was invited with her husband) Without asking or telling us the friend (I assume directed by the groom's mother) RSVP'd for herself and another family member on the groom's side that was not on any draft or final version of the guest list ever.

We feel it is very underhanded and sneaky and the groom wants to confront his mother. There has been so much drama up to this point (MOG has been very difficult) that I'm not sure to tell him to say something or just let this one go but I am very angry and appalled by the level of rudeness. 

Has anyone else had similar situations and how did you deal???

RedJacks25

I think I'm in the minority in that, yes, it wasn't polite of her to assume she could bring Random Sally, but I really wouldn't care if she did. I think substituting people who are unable to come is way less offensive than RSVPing with a plus one when you were invited alone.

The only way I wouldn't be okay with this is if Random Sally was someone I really didn't care for.