Girls will be girls, and I will soon be insane.

SquishyBarb

Let me just say, that I am probably one of the least controversial people out there.. I'm a huge people pleaser. I really, REALLY, am not a "bridezilla." I want my girls to be happy and comfortable and have FUN! I told them that I don't care what their shoes look like, I don't care if they don't want their hair or make-up done professionally, I don't care what they want it to look like (up, down, half, etc), I had them pick their own dresses (as long as it was a shade of our color), and I paid 75% of it for them (none were over $140). 

Tonight, I asked all of them if they would be able to make the rehersal/spend the night up near our venue because I wanted to book it earlier on... NOW, they've divided.... The two from my side and the two from my fiance's side... Our venue is about an hour from where most everyone lives. "My" girls are spending the night at the hotel, his are not.. They'll have to drive an hour and be there before 8 AM. One wont even make it to the rehearsal because it's her birthday and she's going out.. Neither could come dress shopping. I plan things on Sunday because I know everyone's off, and Sundays aren't "ever" good days for either of them... Neither were there for when I picked my dress, they were out four-wheeling. That's fine, do what you want.. if that's more fun to you, by all means.. I'm content doing what I'm doing with whomever wants to do it with me, happily. Guess what, my shower is also on a Sunday...

If they can't make it to places, that's on them. I can't make someone do something, but I can be happy about those who want to be with me. Tonight, one of my girls mentioned how important the rehearsal was (she got married a couple of years ago, so she was putting in her perspective) and the one who can't make it flipped on her. And now there's drama. The four have never met all together.. this is all via text. I made a group message so I could keep everyone up to date on the events in one place - now they have to be in 2 groups because one said "She doesnt need the other's opinion, she doesnt know her life, etc etc etc." "His" girls have been best friends for a decade so I know they'll pair up. Mine are my cousin and my best friend of 8 years... so they know each other. I feel the great divide coming on and we have over 6 months to go.

How do I make everyone happy? I don't have many girl friends, and the ones I do have all get along.. I am not a girly-girl in the "drama" sense so I get super frazzled when people are upset, I can feel the bad vibes very easily. I do not want the drama and I immediately told them tonight if they can't be nice then forget it, no hard feelings. I am not sure what else to do. My fiance is super upset as well and didn't think they'd cause this much drama. 

Help yall! 

HisGirlFriday13

SquishyBarb said:

Let me just say, that I am probably one of the least controversial people out there.. I'm a huge people pleaser. I really, REALLY, am not a "bridezilla." I want my girls to be happy and comfortable and have FUN! I told them that I don't care what their shoes look like, I don't care if they don't want their hair or make-up done professionally, I don't care what they want it to look like (up, down, half, etc), I had them pick their own dresses (as long as it was a shade of our color), and I paid 75% of it for them (none were over $140). 

Tonight, I asked all of them if they would be able to make the rehersal/spend the night up near our venue because I wanted to book it earlier on... NOW, they've divided.... The two from my side and the two from my fiance's side... Our venue is about an hour from where most everyone lives. "My" girls are spending the night at the hotel, his are not.. They'll have to drive an hour and be there before 8 AM. One wont even make it to the rehearsal because it's her birthday and she's going out.. Neither could come dress shopping. I plan things on Sunday because I know everyone's off, and Sundays aren't "ever" good days for either of them... Neither were there for when I picked my dress, they were out four-wheeling. That's fine, do what you want.. if that's more fun to you, by all means.. I'm content doing what I'm doing with whomever wants to do it with me, happily. Guess what, my shower is also on a Sunday...

If they can't make it to places, that's on them. I can't make someone do something, but I can be happy about those who want to be with me. Tonight, one of my girls mentioned how important the rehearsal was (she got married a couple of years ago, so she was putting in her perspective) and the one who can't make it flipped on her. And now there's drama. The four have never met all together.. this is all via text. I made a group message so I could keep everyone up to date on the events in one place - now they have to be in 2 groups because one said "She doesnt need the other's opinion, she doesnt know her life, etc etc etc." "His" girls have been best friends for a decade so I know they'll pair up. Mine are my cousin and my best friend of 8 years... so they know each other. I feel the great divide coming on and we have over 6 months to go.

How do I make everyone happy? I don't have many girl friends, and the ones I do have all get along.. I am not a girly-girl in the "drama" sense so I get super frazzled when people are upset, I can feel the bad vibes very easily. I do not want the drama and I immediately told them tonight if they can't be nice then forget it, no hard feelings. I am not sure what else to do. My fiance is super upset as well and didn't think they'd cause this much drama. 

Help yall! 

No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are.

Unless you are having an insanely complicated wedding, a rehearsal is not necessary, and even then, surely the two BMs who do attend can brief the two who don't.

They don't have to do anything other than buy the dress and show up on time.

It sounds like they're your FI's friends, not yours, so it makes sense they'd want to skip going shopping for a wedding dress with you.

You can't please everyone, so just accept that. Plan what you want to with the people who can come and have done with it.

As far as the shower goes, the BMs don't have to attend.

Since this was all via text, I'm sure the BM who said what she did about the rehearsal meant well, but it probably came across as passive-aggressive, which is why the other two got defensive.

Just accept that they're not into the finer details and move on.

SquishyBarb

I'm well aware it's more important to me than anyone else.... I just said if they want to go do something they find more fun than picking out dresses, so be it. I don't want anyone who's not having fun around to make things feel awkward.. I just thought that BM would want to be involved with stuff like that? I thought that was part of a wedding? Is it normal for people to not want anything to do with wedding activities at all? 

I just don't know how to diffuse the BS between them that I can already feel brewing. Is it better to out-right say they need to resolve their issues on their own, announce it to all of them, or just let them work it out themselves?

Simply Fated

It sounds like you're trying too hard to get a large group of people together in the same place at the same time and they don't even LIKE each other. My question is, "Whyyy?"
Stop trying. You told them the times and places. If they come, GREAT! If not, that sucks. Any info, like when they're supposed to start walking down the aisle, can be relayed to them either by text or verbally when you see them.

This isn't a "girls will be girls" thing. That sort of thinking could be why you don't have a lot of girl friends lol. This is just what happens when a group of people who don't know each other tries to make plans. It can be drama filled. Step away from the drama.

kmmssg

My MOH missed my rehearsal because her mom was critically ill.  It took me 30 seconds to go over things with her.  Missing a rehearsal is not a big deal at all.  I think what would be most helpful is for "your" girl to myob and not tell others what is or is not important.

artbyallie

If these are "his" girls, why are they in your wedding party? Shouldn't they be in his?

ETA: Also, just having a certain day off does not necessarily mean I am free that day. You don't know their plans and have no right to assume they can make events at any time.

HisGirlFriday13

SquishyBarb said:

I'm well aware it's more important to me than anyone else.... I just said if they want to go do something they find more fun than picking out dresses, so be it. I don't want anyone who's not having fun around to make things feel awkward.. I just thought that BM would want to be involved with stuff like that? I thought that was part of a wedding? Is it normal for people to not want anything to do with wedding activities at all? 

I just don't know how to diffuse the BS between them that I can already feel brewing. Is it better to out-right say they need to resolve their issues on their own, announce it to all of them, or just let them work it out themselves?

In order, No, No, and Yes.

Not all BMs want to be involved with stuff like that. I've been a BM five times, and although I've been happy to help with things, there's been a lot of stuff that I just wasn't into (and that I then wasn't into when it was my own wedding, too). Not all women are super into wedding planning and that's OK.

And no, despite what the bridal industry would lead you to believe, them being involved is NOT part of the wedding. At all. Their job is to buy the dress, show up, and smile for photos. That's it.

It's very normal for people not to be interested in wedding stuff -- even people whose wedding it is (I told my mother, 'I honest to God don't care what the flowers are, but DH wants no roses, so no roses.') 

Also, it sounds like these women are your FI's friends, not yours, so they should really be groomsmaids, not bridesmaids, and they should be standing on his side. If you're not independently friends with them, it stands to reason that they're not super-into doing things with you.

As far as defusing (not diffusing) the situation with them, just leave it alone. Tell the BM who talked about the rehearsal to back off, let the other BMs do (or not do) whatever they want, and just let it go.

ei34

The four girls don't have to be friends, communicate with eachother in group messages, and they don't have to meet until your wedding day, so try not to stress about what you're perceiving as drama between them.
I've been in 8 bridal parties and I can assure you that unless your ceremony is super complicated, the rehearsal isn't necessary. And I've never once spent the night somewhere other than my own bed, even when the rest of the BP had a sleepover near the venue. If you lower your expectations a bit and don't worry about four adults from different parts of your life becoming friends, I think you'll feel better.

jneen101

SquishyBarb said:

 I just thought that BM would want to be involved with stuff like that? I thought that was part of a wedding? Is it normal for people to not want anything to do with wedding activities at all? 

 

When I see complaints like this, I wonder if the bride has ever been a bridesmaid before.  Have you been in any other weddings?  If so, did you enjoy going dress shopping?  Did you want to have a slumber party?  Etc.  Maybe you did, and that's great, but many, many people don't want to do those things.  I think sometimes if you put yourself in the bridesmaids' position it's easier to see why those things aren't always convenient or fun.

Maggie0829

jneen101 said:

SquishyBarb said:

 I just thought that BM would want to be involved with stuff like that? I thought that was part of a wedding? Is it normal for people to not want anything to do with wedding activities at all? 

 

When I see complaints like this, I wonder if the bride has ever been a bridesmaid before.  Have you been in any other weddings?  If so, did you enjoy going dress shopping?  Did you want to have a slumber party?  Etc.  Maybe you did, and that's great, but many, many people don't want to do those things.  I think sometimes if you put yourself in the bridesmaids' position it's easier to see why those things aren't always convenient or fun.

Either that or they have watched one to many wedding shows on tv or one to many wedding movies.

singinchick13

Stepping back from the situation, the major red flag to me here is that these two do not seem to have anything invested in you as they are your FI's friends and not yours. This would strike me as a problem in any situation unless they had made an effort to become good friends with you during your and FI's courtship. If they genuinely expressed an interest in being involved in the wedding and things you are interested in as an individual (ie. nothing to do with your FI) then I would have chosen them as bridesmaids. If they were chosen by your FI to stand up for him, then there is no reason for them to have anything to do with your dress shopping and spending time with your girlfriends if they aren't interested. This seems to be a situation in which you have made your bed and now must lie in it, sorry to say.

[Deleted User]

I would be annoyed as well. As much as I have been excited for my friends' events and make it to their plans, I wish they would show a teeny bit more enthusiasm for this. After all, I chose them because we are close, and I hoped that our closeness would display in a fun time, but oh well...

I just know that when it's their turn, they'll see that it's nice to send a "hi how are you" text, or have some help offered, or whatever the case may be, and I just might remember that

jneen101

If you have friends that aren't texting you "hi how are you" then I would reevaluate that friendship totally independent of my wedding. 

Jen4948

jneen101 said:

If you have friends that aren't texting you "hi how are you" then I would reevaluate that friendship totally independent of my wedding. 

This.  It sounds like, unfortunately, you picked them to be bridesmaids for the wrong reasons, and now it's too late to allow them to step down unless you and your FI don't want to be friends with them.

In the meantime, just accept that the only thing they have to do is show up on time, in the designated outfit and in good spirits, and stop expecting them to go shopping with you or attend pre-wedding events.  Despite popular culture, these are not things bridesmaids are obligated to do.

Pepper6

Especially since they are your FI's friends, not yours, I definitely would not expect them to be all super excited to do any pre-wedding activities with you and your friends, so you need to let that expectation go.  (which it sounds like you have, but don't take it personally).

As for the RD, am I correct in reading that the drama is between the BMs, not you?  If so, I'd stay out of it other than telling your friends to back off.  If his friends ask anything of you, you can let them know that of course you'd love to have them come to the rehearsal and dinner, but if they just can't make it, that you will be sure to have someone fill them in on your wedding day as far as what they need to do (procession order, where to stand, cues, etc).

SquishyBarb

Jeesh yall are harsh. I've been in 5 weddings. I work full time, finishing my bachelor's degree this year, and in the middle of getting a home, so needless to say I don't watch TV, much less bride shows.

I just asked how to diffuse the drama. 

He now deals with them. I'm not really sure what else to say. Yall surely know how to make someone feel welcome! lol. But I did ask, and I definitely got answers.

Thanks for the input!