Mini-vent: FMIL/FI Guest List Issues

KytchynWitche

So, yesterday I was talking to FMIL about the guest list, because I wanted to get her family's contact info so we can send out our Save the Dates as soon after we move as possible. She asked who was on the list, I told her, and she goes "Oh! But none of FFIL's family is on it except Uncle!". She was completely blind-sided by the fact that we're not inviting a huge chunk of the family.

Now, I'm pretty mad at FI about this. When we were discussing the guest list, I asked him who he wanted from the family. When he said he didn't want any to invited any of his dad's brothers (other than Uncle Priest) because they're really not all that close, I said "Fine, just make sure you talk to your dad about it." Judging from the way FMIL reacted, I'm guessing that no such talk has taken place. We've had this "final" guest list since mid-January. That's plenty of time for him to have spoken to his folks about it.

So I tell FMIL that it's FI's family, he must make the decisions and do whatever goes along with that. Very much not my circus.

BUT at the end of the day, I am the one paying for this wedding. Me, personally, out of my pocket. FI is not contributing to the wedding, nor are his parents. We have chosen a guest list that we are comfortable with, that we can afford to host fully. And I'm sorry, but we are having a small wedding. And I do mean small - the GL is 46 people, including us, and friends who we actually physically see at least once every 3 months (distance issues) win out over family who've not had any contact, I mean not even a text message, with FI in the 2+ years we've been together. It's our wedding, not a family reunion.

Seriously though, there's the TINIEST amount of wiggle room in my budget right now and I really want to keep that free for incidentals. If I have to add more bodies to the guest list, I'm going to be selling my body to pay for it.

I didn't really have time to think about it yesterday because I was busy with blog posts, planning for the move, and art class, but now I'm kinda fuming over it. Is 8.40AM too early for wine?

ETF words are hard.

hlvonb

You're wedding - invite who you want to invite and can host.

No it's not too early!

KytchynWitche

@hlvonb Seriously. If it were anyone other than family, I would not even be entertaining the possibility of adding to the guest list. The bigger issue for me is that FI apparently did not even mention to his dad that we were not going to be inviting his brothers.

Of course, if we could invite the brothers and not their wives, I could probably make it work. But that's rude, so we'd be adding 8 people to the guest list, and I'd have to get onto the venue about vegetarian meal options, which is probably going to push our prices up even more. As it stands now, there are no vegetarians on our GL, but two, possibly three, of FI's uncles' wives are veg.

Anyway, it must be 5 o'clock somewhere in the world, right?

HisGirlFriday13

It must be 5 o'clock, yes. And I'd be having a chat with FI about him not having told his parents about this.

Obviously it's your wedding and your guest list, but it's polite to at least WARN your FIL's that people aren't being invited.

EverAfer

Since you're the one paying, who gets invited is up to you. If your budget is already tight, don't be in a rush to add any more invitees.  You're right, you do want to keep your wiggle room open for now.  Expenses do creep up faster than expected.  Don't send save the dates to anyone till you're sure you can invite them.

In the meantime, have FI talk with his family so they know what's going on.

ETA: If you're having a glass of wine, have an extra one for me!

pumpkinsandturkeys

Yeahhhh, this is not a FMIL issue -- it's a FI issue.

He should have addressed this with them when it was decided. It's up to him to start reining in the shitshow now.

larrygaga

Yeah, you need to see why your FI didn't tell his parents. Also, if your FMIL/FI wants to add to the guest list, ask them to foot that bill.

pinkcow13

It's 5 o'clock somewhere! 

Yes, your FI should have addressed the issue, so he might as well do it now. At the end of the day, you're paying, so you get final say. It's his family, so he needs to be the one to tell them that the guest list stands as it is.

JCbride2015

Yeah, this is on your Fi.  He should have talked to his parents about it.  They aren't paying so they don't get to say, but a heads up should have been given.

I have to say though, it sort of bothers me that you write the wedding is coming out of your pocket and Fi isn't contributing.  Aren't your finances combined if you live together, or will be anyway when you get married?  So any money "you" spend right now, is less that will be both of yours when you marry.  If we want to get technical about it, I guess "I" am paying for our wedding because my new job is going to give us the surplus we need to save.  But Fi contributes to living expenses, rent, etc. which enables us to save that extra each month from my salary.

If I ever said to Fi I was paying for the wedding out of my own pocket and he was not contributing, he would be really hurt.

KytchynWitche

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah, this is on your Fi.  He should have talked to his parents about it.  They aren't paying so they don't get to say, but a heads up should have been given.

I have to say though, it sort of bothers me that you write the wedding is coming out of your pocket and Fi isn't contributing.  Aren't your finances combined if you live together, or will be anyway when you get married?  So any money "you" spend right now, is less that will be both of yours when you marry.  If we want to get technical about it, I guess "I" am paying for our wedding because my new job is going to give us the surplus we need to save.  But Fi contributes to living expenses, rent, etc. which enables us to save that extra each month from my salary.

If I ever said to Fi I was paying for the wedding out of my own pocket and he was not contributing, he would be really hurt.

I hear what you're saying about the finances. But FI and I agreed from the beginning that the wedding was on me. I'm not going to get into the whys and wherefores, but we have our reasons for keeping our finances separate, including the fact that FMIL still has access to FI's bank accounts. We've always agreed about who pays for what, but once those expenses are met, my money's mine and his is his. I'm not intending to use the fact that I'm paying for the wedding to cut FI out of decisions etc, just using it to illustrate to FMIL the "he who pays gets the last say" principle.

KytchynWitche

So I finally managed to grab 2 minutes of alone time with FI. I asked him if he had spoken to FFIL yet, as I asked yesterday around lunchtime, just after FMIL told me they knew nothing about it, and he said no, they'd been busy.

I lost it a little bit. I can understand that they're busy at work, and I did not expect for a second that they would talk about it at work. But FI and FFIL have 50+ minutes a day in the car together getting to and from work. FFIL spends 3+ hours every evening playing video games in his "study". For crying out loud, we live in FFIL's house (until this weekend, anyway). You can't seriously tell me that FI can't find 10 minutes to sit down with him and say "Dad, we love you, but we can't afford to invite all your brothers and their wives to our wedding. We hope you don't mind."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he hasn't done it though. When we got engaged, it took him almost a week to tell FFIL - he told FMIL the minute we walked in the door, within an hour of the proposal.

So I've asked him to please sort this out before we go to bed tonight. He's in his dad's study right now, but I can hear they're talking about VPNs and peer-to-peer and other tech stuff...

HisGirlFriday13

urbaneca said:

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah, this is on your Fi.  He should have talked to his parents about it.  They aren't paying so they don't get to say, but a heads up should have been given.

I have to say though, it sort of bothers me that you write the wedding is coming out of your pocket and Fi isn't contributing.  Aren't your finances combined if you live together, or will be anyway when you get married?  So any money "you" spend right now, is less that will be both of yours when you marry.  If we want to get technical about it, I guess "I" am paying for our wedding because my new job is going to give us the surplus we need to save.  But Fi contributes to living expenses, rent, etc. which enables us to save that extra each month from my salary.

If I ever said to Fi I was paying for the wedding out of my own pocket and he was not contributing, he would be really hurt.

I hear what you're saying about the finances. But FI and I agreed from the beginning that the wedding was on me. I'm not going to get into the whys and wherefores, but we have our reasons for keeping our finances separate, including the fact that FMIL still has access to FI's bank accounts. We've always agreed about who pays for what, but once those expenses are met, my money's mine and his is his. I'm not intending to use the fact that I'm paying for the wedding to cut FI out of decisions etc, just using it to illustrate to FMIL the "he who pays gets the last say" principle.


However you sort your finances is your business, but it's still a problem that (a) his mother has access to his accounts (how old is he?) and that (b) he didn't tell his parents about your joint decision.

It's fine if you're paying for this wedding yourself, but he can't make you the heavy. He needs to tell his parents that ALL wedding-related decisions were mutual.

pumpkinsandturkeys

urbaneca said:

So I finally managed to grab 2 minutes of alone time with FI. I asked him if he had spoken to FFIL yet, as I asked yesterday around lunchtime, just after FMIL told me they knew nothing about it, and he said no, they'd been busy.

I lost it a little bit. I can understand that they're busy at work, and I did not expect for a second that they would talk about it at work. But FI and FFIL have 50+ minutes a day in the car together getting to and from work. FFIL spends 3+ hours every evening playing video games in his "study". For crying out loud, we live in FFIL's house (until this weekend, anyway). You can't seriously tell me that FI can't find 10 minutes to sit down with him and say "Dad, we love you, but we can't afford to invite all your brothers and their wives to our wedding. We hope you don't mind."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he hasn't done it though. When we got engaged, it took him almost a week to tell FFIL - he told FMIL the minute we walked in the door, within an hour of the proposal.

So I've asked him to please sort this out before we go to bed tonight. He's in his dad's study right now, but I can hear they're talking about VPNs and peer-to-peer and other tech stuff...

I'm not going to touch the financial stuff from the other reply, because that's definitely personal (some stuff makes me raise eyebrows, but whatevs).

Part of me is a little perplexed that he isn't more open with his father, considering that they must be fairly close if he's willing to spend that much time alone with his dad, and live with him. And yet, he told his mother one major thing right away, and wouldn't discuss this with her, either.

Is he perhaps holding back from having the talk with his parents because he has reservations about the decisions you've made and doesn't feel as though he can speak up about them because he's not contributing financially to the fete, and as you said, "he who pays..."?

It just doesn't sound as though an equal playing field and mutual respect have been established here. You have the upper hand with wedding-related decisions due to you paying for it (even if that's what you both agreed on, it makes things lopsided), and he isn't respecting you by not reaching out to his folks... possibly because that's the one aspect of the wedding he DOES have control over (the sharing or limiting of information).

All I know is that there's something here that doesn't sit well with me, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

KytchynWitche

HisGirlFriday13 said:

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah, this is on your Fi.  He should have talked to his parents about it.  They aren't paying so they don't get to say, but a heads up should have been given.

I have to say though, it sort of bothers me that you write the wedding is coming out of your pocket and Fi isn't contributing.  Aren't your finances combined if you live together, or will be anyway when you get married?  So any money "you" spend right now, is less that will be both of yours when you marry.  If we want to get technical about it, I guess "I" am paying for our wedding because my new job is going to give us the surplus we need to save.  But Fi contributes to living expenses, rent, etc. which enables us to save that extra each month from my salary.

If I ever said to Fi I was paying for the wedding out of my own pocket and he was not contributing, he would be really hurt.

I hear what you're saying about the finances. But FI and I agreed from the beginning that the wedding was on me. I'm not going to get into the whys and wherefores, but we have our reasons for keeping our finances separate, including the fact that FMIL still has access to FI's bank accounts. We've always agreed about who pays for what, but once those expenses are met, my money's mine and his is his. I'm not intending to use the fact that I'm paying for the wedding to cut FI out of decisions etc, just using it to illustrate to FMIL the "he who pays gets the last say" principle.

However you sort your finances is your business, but it's still a problem that (a) his mother has access to his accounts (how old is he?) and that (b) he didn't tell his parents about your joint decision. It's fine if you're paying for this wedding yourself, but he can't make you the heavy. He needs to tell his parents that ALL wedding-related decisions were mutual.

He's 28. She had access because when he was in hospital for his kidney transplant, and in the months following, she was managing everything for him. I guess they just never got around to revoking her access. As soon as we're in the new apartment and have proof of address, we're going to move him to my bank and that'll be sorted anyway.

Anyway, yeah. I'm pretty pissed that he didn't tell them about it. It's not like this is something I just sprang on him - we made the decision together months ago, and at that time we both agreed he would square things with his folks. To say I'm annoyed that he didn't, and so blindsided FMIL and me, is putting it mildly. But he's going to make it right.

KytchynWitche

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

urbaneca said:

So I finally managed to grab 2 minutes of alone time with FI. I asked him if he had spoken to FFIL yet, as I asked yesterday around lunchtime, just after FMIL told me they knew nothing about it, and he said no, they'd been busy.

I lost it a little bit. I can understand that they're busy at work, and I did not expect for a second that they would talk about it at work. But FI and FFIL have 50+ minutes a day in the car together getting to and from work. FFIL spends 3+ hours every evening playing video games in his "study". For crying out loud, we live in FFIL's house (until this weekend, anyway). You can't seriously tell me that FI can't find 10 minutes to sit down with him and say "Dad, we love you, but we can't afford to invite all your brothers and their wives to our wedding. We hope you don't mind."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he hasn't done it though. When we got engaged, it took him almost a week to tell FFIL - he told FMIL the minute we walked in the door, within an hour of the proposal.

So I've asked him to please sort this out before we go to bed tonight. He's in his dad's study right now, but I can hear they're talking about VPNs and peer-to-peer and other tech stuff...

I'm not going to touch the financial stuff from the other reply, because that's definitely personal (some stuff makes me raise eyebrows, but whatevs).

Part of me is a little perplexed that he isn't more open with his father, considering that they must be fairly close if he's willing to spend that much time alone with his dad, and live with him. And yet, he told his mother one major thing right away, and wouldn't discuss this with her, either.

Is he perhaps holding back from having the talk with his parents because he has reservations about the decisions you've made and doesn't feel as though he can speak up about them because he's not contributing financially to the fete, and as you said, "he who pays..."?

It just doesn't sound as though an equal playing field and mutual respect have been established here. You have the upper hand with wedding-related decisions due to you paying for it (even if that's what you both agreed on, it makes things lopsided), and he isn't respecting you by not reaching out to his folks... possibly because that's the one aspect of the wedding he DOES have control over (the sharing or limiting of information).

All I know is that there's something here that doesn't sit well with me, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

All I can say is that the dynamics of our relationship really do work for us, 99.9% of the time. We love each other, and we're happy. My weaknesses are his strengths, and the other way around. I think FI is just intimidated by his father (and I don't blame him, I am too), and he let that get the better of him this time.

Also, I don't think it's a case of him having reservations about the decisions, because we drew up the guest list together, the decision to not invite FFIL's brothers was actually his, and I've asked him at least 5 times since we "finalised" the GL whether he was sure that he didn't want to add them. If, at any point, he told me he wanted to change ANY part of our wedding plans, I would be more than happy to do so.

SBmini

Who wants to bet if your FI did tell his dad that his dad didn't tell FMIL? You would not believe the number of times I surprised my mom over stuff I told my dad to tell her and he forgot to let her know. Lesson learned- want mom to know something, tell mom!

beharrington

SBmini said:

Who wants to bet if your FI did tell his dad that his dad didn't tell FMIL? You would not believe the number of times I surprised my mom over stuff I told my dad to tell her and he forgot to let her know. Lesson learned- want mom to know something, tell mom!

It's like that with my brother and SIL.  If we want them both to know something, we have to actually tell them both.  It's ridiculous.  With my parents and me and DH, if you don't want our partner to know something, you need to specify because it's assumed we will pass the info along.

True story: we were in the middle of a mini-family vacation (me, DH, and my parents went to our hometown for Mardi Gras) and SIL texts me to see if we want to get together.  I replied that we weren't in town and were sad she and Brother had decided not to join us.  Apparently, Brother turned down the trip without even telling SIL they had been invited.

KytchynWitche

UPDATE: After FI's talk with FFIL, which I gather did not go well, FI decided to cut some people from his side of the guest list so he can invite the uncles and their wives. Problem solved. Everyone's happy.