Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fiance Social Anxiety, Small Wedding/ Big Reception

emz101emz101 member
5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited April 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

My fiancé doesn't want to have a wedding because he says he is uncomfortable being the center of attention. Although I want the traditional wedding I am willing to compromise to have a small wedding with only immediate family present but then have everyone else to celebrate in the evening at the reception (about 50 people). I was just wondering if this is appropriate? We have discussed everything and other then not having a wedding period this is my only option, no destination weddings, and no he won't budge otherwise. 

 

 

*** Sorry I guess I should clarify, its the whole saying vows in front of people he is anxious about, he is fine interacting with his friends and family, and no he refuses any kind of counselling.

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Re: Fiance Social Anxiety, Small Wedding/ Big Reception

  • It's appropriate. Does he think it will help? For me, the scary part is being up in front of everyone with all eyes on me: I can mingle with guests in a crowd no problem. They are eating, talking amongst themselves, maybe dancing at the reception--it is no where near the overwhelming all-eyes-on-you situation that the ceremony is. If it works for him then go for it.
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  • We had a small wedding for this very reason. I asked H what number he was comfortable with, and then we agreed/compromised on a number. We ended up with 43 guests, and they were all immediate family (parents, siblings, nieces) and our very best friends.

    It ended up being absolutely amazing because 1) we saved a TON of money, 2) we got to talk to everyone without worrying about how much time we had to say thank you to everyone, 3) it felt really, truly personal, and 4) we had a lot more flexibility when it came to venues. Instead of looking for a reception hall that would fit 200 people, we could look at private rooms at restaurants and even the option of having a party in a hotel suite.

    When we first started talking about the numbers, I was in your position. My family is HUGE, and I'm used to going to huge weddings. I was kind of upset at first, so I started looking around online, just to help myself envision our day.

    I found this site, and it was so helpful:


    If you look through the photos and blogs, you'll see that sometimes a small wedding can be just as awesome (or more awesome) than a big wedding.

    After looking around that site and talking to other brides on the Vegas board (most of the regular users when I was planning had weddings with 5-25 guests), I actually started to love the idea of a small wedding over a big wedding. It was certainly a LOT less stressful. We ended up with a smaller budget and didn't even spend all of our money. We were able to use the overage toward a kickass honeymoon. :)
  • I think a tiny ceremony and a big reception aren't going to solve your problem.  I agree with PPs that you and your FI should undergo some counseling to work out a compromise that works for both of you.  While I would certainly expect something toned down to help him out, I don't think you should be expected to make all the sacrifices.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Counseling!  I don't buy it.  Are you sure he really wants to be married at all?  If he is this inflexible about your wedding, how are you going to solve other issues in your life?  I would give him back his ring if he is unwilling to compromise.
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  • CMGragain said:
    Counseling!  I don't buy it.  Are you sure he really wants to be married at all?  If he is this inflexible about your wedding, how are you going to solve other issues in your life?  I would give him back his ring if he is unwilling to compromise.
    This is definitely something to consider. A marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromise. Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea, though - to ensure that you're both ready for the commitment, and/or to ensure that any anxieties are addressed and that you can come up with creative options to accommodate that, if needed.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    That is exactly why I said "Counseling!"  The OP is talking about 50 guests, not hundreds.
    My DH is a shy engineer.  He wanted to marry me more than anything else in the world.  He didn't care what he had to go through to marry me.  He was not thrilled with our small wedding.  He would have chosen to elope.  He wanted me to be happy. I made our church wedding as simple as possible to try and compromise with our feuding families..
    This is the attitude that every couple should have towards each other.
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  • emz101 said:
    My fiancé doesn't want to have a wedding because he says he is uncomfortable being the center of attention. Although I want the traditional wedding I am willing to compromise to have a small wedding with only immediate family present but then have everyone else to celebrate in the evening at the reception (about 50 people). I was just wondering if this is appropriate? We have discussed everything and other then not having a wedding period this is my only option, no destination weddings, and no he won't budge otherwise. 

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  • CMGragain said:
    emz101 said:
    My fiancé doesn't want to have a wedding because he says he is uncomfortable being the center of attention. Although I want the traditional wedding I am willing to compromise to have a small wedding with only immediate family present but then have everyone else to celebrate in the evening at the reception (about 50 people). I was just wondering if this is appropriate? We have discussed everything and other then not having a wedding period this is my only option, no destination weddings, and no he won't budge otherwise. 

    I'm guessing the idea of all those other scenarios causes him anxiety.  If he gets anxiety just thinking about it then doing it won't work.  Again, not a case of not being willing to compromise.  
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  • No fair!  I hadn't finished with my text.
    I get anxiety disorder.  I'm just not convinced he has it.  Counseling!
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  • You are beginning to irritate me with your attitude.  Have you ever had counseling?  I have.  Lots of it!  I wouldn't be in the good marriage I now enjoy without it.
    There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with counseling.  Most churches actually require it before marriage.  It often prevents couples from plunging into a marriage that isn't meant to be.
    The OP says her fiance has told her "he is uncomfortable being the center of attention."  This shouldn't affect him so severely that he is unable to participate in a small (50 guests) wedding.  If it does, he needs professional help, both medical and therapy.  If he doesn't have anxiety disorder, and he isn't willing to compromise to please his fiancee, then I see major red flags which a counselor will discover.
    My late MIL had borderline agoraphobia.  She refused treatment and lived in denial.  She hurt her family and her marriage.
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  • CMGragain said:
    You are beginning to irritate me with your attitude.  Have you ever had counseling?  I have.  Lots of it!  I wouldn't be in the good marriage I now enjoy without it.
    There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with counseling.  Most churches actually require it before marriage.  It often prevents couples from plunging into a marriage that isn't meant to be.
    The OP says her fiance has told her "he is uncomfortable being the center of attention."  This shouldn't affect him so severely that he is unable to participate in a small (50 guests) wedding.  If it does, he needs professional help, both medical and therapy.  If he doesn't have anxiety disorder, and he isn't willing to compromise to please his fiancee, then I see major red flags which a counselor will discover.
    My late MIL had borderline agoraphobia.  She refused treatment and lived in denial.  She hurt her family and her marriage.
    You're right. There is nothing wrong with counseling.  If you have had lots of counseling you should understand it does not fix everything or make it perfect and that it takes a long time to work.

    Am I the one irritating you?   I am a Social Worker and your attitude that he is just being inflexible is irritating me. Just because your DH was able to go through with a wedding ceremony doesn't mean her FI can.  And what does him being an engineer have to do with anything?  
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Actually, no.  I am irritated with Jen4948.  I apologize for the misunderstanding.

    You are  correct that counseling will not fix social anxiety disorder.  It can help determine if he actually has it.  The OP indicated that in her title.  If he does not have it, then counseling  can help them decide if marriage should really be in their future.
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  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    There's nothing wrong with counseling, but there's also nothing wrong with not wanting 50 people at your wedding.

    Not wanting to be the center of attention doesn't make someone a bad partner and unsuitable for marriage. The wedding is one day, and not wanting a big wedding--or a wedding at all--doesn't mean that the marriage is in trouble from the start.

    It sounds like the fiance is willing to compromise: private ceremony and then a small reception. It would be a red flag if he said no wedding at all, no way no how, elope or nothing. But it really sounds like the OP needs to come to terms with the idea that if this is the partner she's choosing, the kind of wedding she's dreamed of is not going to be in the books.
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  • I have aocial anxiety and I'm super shy, but I can't imagine laying down the law with a "my way or the highway" attitude. That shit would not fly with my SO and it shouldn't sit well with you, either. Marriage is full of compromise. Planning a wedding is really good practice for that.

    If you are content with a small ceremony with a larger reception, then that's fine. If you aren't, then don't settle.

    It is important to note that there could be times when he will be the center of attention at the reception. Do you want a first dance, cake cutting, garter toss, etc?

    I will absolutely throw in here that while a small ceremony followed by a larger reception is acceptable, I'm not sure why it is. Why is it acceptable? I don't get it. But apparently it is lol.
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    My FI has social anxiety, so I understand where you are coming from, and technically you can do this but if I were invited only to the reception I might decline since not witnessing the main event kind of removes the sparkle from a wedding for me.

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  • Although I think you two should find a comprise, social anxiety is more than just being shy or having stage fright. Keep that in mind. Also, remind him that you will be there the entire time and he can squeeze your hands to let out some of the fear.
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  • CMGragain said:
    Actually, no.  I am irritated with Jen4948.  I apologize for the misunderstanding.

    You are  correct that counseling will not fix social anxiety disorder.  It can help determine if he actually has it.  The OP indicated that in her title.  If he does not have it, then counseling  can help them decide if marriage should really be in their future.
    Sorry, but you are also irritating me with your judgmental comments about counseling.  I have been advocating that they could both benefit from it.  What I find irritating is your notion that he shouldn't get married.  Social anxiety, even severe social anxiety, may have nothing to do with readiness to get married.  The fact that he doesn't want a public wedding doesn't mean that he can't learn to compromise or that counseling can't help him otherwise even if he doesn't have it.
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