Am I Being Overly Sensitive about Facebook and His Ex?

fallingtogether1017

It's 2am and I'm up, unable to sleep.

FI and I got into a pretty heated argument about him being friends with his ex on Facebook. You see, I thought all of this was over with her... we had the talk about how it makes me insecure and I don't understand the need to allow her to see what's going on in our lives.

We have been together 3 years, getting married in October. But, when FI and I first started dating, his ex did not think it was over between them and made our dating lives pretty difficult for quite awhile.

He doesn't understand, says he loves me and that he didn't even know they were still friends on Facebook (although a year and a half ago, the ex presents herself again and I asked him to unfollow/unfriend on everything, and at that point, he did).

It just flat out bugs me. He gets defensive about it and says it means nothing, but I just don't like it. To me, it's offensive.

Am I wrong? Being overly dramatic or sensitive about it?

vk2204

I do think you are being overly sensitive about it. It's just facebook, not like they are hanging out in real life.

Try and think of it this way, she is going to see all of your wedding pictures and how happy you two are together. Defriending her for no reason might make her go crazy psycho and start drama again. But I will say this, If she is still being a bitch, or starts up again I would definitely have a problem with it at that point.

Sonietsjka

I don't see what the problem is. I'm friends with both my exes on FB, and my FI is friends with his. He even met one of his exes for lunch when they happened to be in Nairobi at the same time. I just wished them a nice afternoon. 

If you don't get enough confidence from the fact that you have been together for years, and that you're engaged, it seems like it's time to do something about your own insecurity. 

 

larrygaga

I probably wouldn't be too happy about it, but not enough to have a big fight over it. If it really wasn't a big deal to him, then why wouldn't he just delete her on FB? Deleting people off FB is no big deal. At least you realize and communicate to him that it makes you insecure. That's the important thing, right there.

cruffino

I see a problem if a year and a half ago he cut off contact with her, and in the interim, he has reestablished contact. I would not be cool with that fir the simple reason that he went back on something we had previously discussed.

I have to restate just how stupid Facebook is.

mrandmrsajjohnson said:

It's 2am and I'm up, unable to sleep.

FI and I got into a pretty heated argument about him being friends with his ex on Facebook. You see, I thought all of this was over with her... we had the talk about how it makes me insecure and I don't understand the need to allow her to see what's going on in our lives.

We have been together 3 years, getting married in October. But, when FI and I first started dating, his ex did not think it was over between them and made our dating lives pretty difficult for quite awhile.

He doesn't understand, says he loves me and that he didn't even know they were still friends on Facebook (although a year and a half ago, the ex presents herself again and I asked him to unfollow/unfriend on everything, and at that point, he did).

It just flat out bugs me. He gets defensive about it and says it means nothing, but I just don't like it. To me, it's offensive.

Am I wrong? Being overly dramatic or sensitive about it?

[Deleted User]

I see both sides of the story really...I understand being uncomfortable with it. 

However, at the same time...it's Facebook. You're getting married to this man. That is SO much bigger than Facebook. 

If you're truly insecure about it, you may want to try and determine where this insecurity comes from. Is it lack of trust in him? Or is it just discomfort on your part with no grounds except for what happened a few years ago? Even a year and a half ago, if he sees no problem with being friends with her then he may genuinely NOT remember becoming Facebook friends with her again.

climbingsingle

I think you're being overly sensitive and dramatic about it. My FI is friends with at least 3 ex-girlfriends on Facebook. In fact, he just did work at one's house last week (he does home theater/install). 

Why are you so bothered by what she sees of your lives on Facebook? 

wandajune6

I'm FB friends with a few exes. FI knows and doesn't care. We both think it isn't a big deal. However, if it bothered him, I'd drop them noir without argument.

I don't think FB friendships matter but if it bothers you, it matters. FI knows my theory on relationships: if it's a problem for one party, it's a problem for both.

grumbledore

TBH, it sounds like you have trust issues with your FI, which is a way bigger problem than him being friends with his ex on FB.

cupcait927

FI and I had a pretty similar situation so no, I don't think your overreacting. He dated a girl for close to 9 years (high school and then after college) before they finally realized it wasn't working and broke up. She kept trying to have a friendship with him and when she found out he was dating me, she got very nasty. She already disliked me for other reasons outside of FI but him dating me sent her over the edge. She would spy on our lives on FB and then text him constantly about it. We both decided that we wouldn't have exes on our FB friend list and I thought he had removed her and didn't (he claims he forgot - I think he was just too nice and didn't want to be mean to her/deal with her crap when she found out). I got very angry and we had a huge fight about it and he did delete her off of his friends list. Had she respected our relationship and not used FB as a way to spy on us and make his life hell, I wouldn't have cared. Her actions drove him to not want a friendship with her and to make sure that she couldn't be involved in our lives in anyway. He actually had to block her phone number as well because she wouldn't stop texting him.

emmaaa

I don't see the big deal. It would be different if he was meeting up with her when you explicitly asked him not to, but to be friends on Facebook? No, that's not a big deal. FI and I are friends on Facebook with some of our exes or people we dated.

I agree ith PPs. This sounds like you have other reasons to not trust him or some security issues. I would evaluate where that is coming from.

ETA: I looked over the part where you said he told you he would de-friend her. I also find it concerning that he deliberately did not follow through with this or went back on his word.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with @cruffino and @grumbledore. It sounds like you and your FI reached an agreement about something, and then he went back on it.

Whether the rest of us think it's normal to be friends on FB or not (and I'm in the camp of people who are friends with exes on FB, but DH is not), it's certainly a red flag that your FI disregarded a decision you two had made jointly.

It also sounds like you have some serious trust issues, and I think you should work on those before advancing to marriage.

manateehugger

grumbledore said:

TBH, it sounds like you have trust issues with your FI, which is a way bigger problem than him being friends with his ex on FB.

This. You don't trust him when he's friends with an ex on FB (which wouldn't bother me in the slightest...because I trust that FI merely has her on his friends list and FB is stupid).

How did the conversation a year and a half ago? Can you have a calm, non-anger-fueled discussion with him now about why it bothers you? Getting angry over may just cause him to become defensive or to comply to keep you from staying very angry - which doesn't really solve the issue here.

pinkshorts27

A few years ago there was a girl my FI was friends with. I couldn't stand her and at first thought it was jealousy. FI thought it was jealousy too. This was a rocky point in our relationship and I couldn't put into words why it bothered me so much. I had so many guy friends and FI had so many girl friends that didn't bother me. Why this one? It was because she didn't respect our relationship. I cannot stand when someone doesn't respect our relationship. Some of my friendships ended early in our relationship when they couldn't respect our relationship and that is a complete deal breaker on a friendship. Think whatever you want privately, but if you start dissing us to my face you are not going to see much of me again. 

At first FI didn't get it. He is so forgiving and patient and that is part of the reason I fell for him.  He sees beyond people's flaws and doesn't let much bother him. I had to explain to him that this went beyond jealousy. I didn't not-trust him, I just felt disrespected in the sense that this friendship was being placed above respect for our relationship (if that makes sense?). He started to understand. Well he had a talk with said friend, who half-heatedly apologized, but never said anything negative about our relationship again. And while I will never like this girl (she is manipulative and likes to play the victim), I felt okay with their friendship again because we weren't being disrespected as a couple. I don't know if any of that made sense.

I think, if it is jealousy of a possible relationship between him and his ex, there is a problem. But, if you are annoyed by her disrespecting your relationship, it is more understandable. But, remember, they are just facebook friends. That means nothing. It really does. It doesn't mean they are talking or hanging out. 

APDSS22

I was friends with an ex on FB long after the time H and I were serious because honestly, I just hadn't thought of him romantically since I had started dating my H.  He occasionally liked recipes I put up on FB and random stuff but I didn't think anything of it.  H noticed we were still FB friends at some point between dating and engaged and said he wasn't comfortable with it so I de-friended the ex right there.  Not because there was anything going on, but because it made him uncomfortable and I didn't want to make H uncomfortable about something that wasn't significant to me.

The fact that your FI went back and re-friended her or never de-friended her would probably be what bugs me, especially since she actively disrespected your relationship.  I would just lay it out logically with your FI (y'all are engaged to be married, you should be able to handle a simple discussion about facebook).  Tell him that you're just uncomfortable with him still being friends with someone who can't respect your relationship.  He either needs to figure out how to allay your discomfort (with or without de-friending) or he needs to figure out why being FB friends with someone he used to have a relationship with and still doesn't respect his relationship with you is so important.

sarawifenow

I can see why you would have a problem with it. @blueeyes90 brings up a huge pet peeve of mine. It is one things to be friends with an ex. It is another thing to be friends with an ex who doesn't respect your current relationship. I had to cut ties with a guy that I dated back in highschool because he tried to cut in when FI and I first started dating.

Also, like PPs have mentioned, the fact that he re-established contact with her is raising some red flags for me.

abbyj700

I'm not friends with serious ex's on fb and now neither is my FI. I had a similar situation to you that my FI was friends with his ex. I asked him to unfriend, he said he would, then he didn't and it eventually came back around. Why did it come back around? Because he never sees her, she's never met me and because of how my settings were - she was commenting on MY wall on things he and I were doing. None of the things she said were terrible but it eventually just creeped me out.

Did he say why he's so opposed to unfriending her? Can you pinpoint why it's a fight rather than a discussion? Once FI and I really talked about why I was uncomfortable and why he wasn't - we came up with a solution that helped us both.

phira

Being friends with exes, on facebook or otherwise, is definitely not one-size fits all. There are times when it's benign, and times when it's a problem.

In this case, you have given us pretty much no info about what's going on, besides the fact that he's friends with her on facebook and you're not okay with it. Whether or not you have a "right" to be upset about it is kind of besides the point because, well, you ARE upset about it. So we'll work with that.

So, tell us--what is it that makes you uncomfortable? Do you think she will try to break up your relationship? Are you just weirded out that she can see his updates? Are you worried about them becoming better friends? Is she rude to you?

Next, we need you to talk with your fiance. Why does he want to stay friends with her on facebook? You need to be asking sincerely. You want to understand this, right?

One of my friends was facebook friends with her ex for a long time because she wanted to be the bigger person and follow through on her "let's stay friends" promise. My mom stayed facebook friends with one of her exes for a while (until she cut off all contact--he wouldn't stop emailing her) because she wanted to keep tabs on him to see if he started dating someone else. I'm friends with an ex because I sincerely want to be friends again; we refriended each other last year and are very very very very very slowly working towards a friendship.

If you both understand why you don't like them being friends on facebook, and you both understand why he wants to be friends on facebook, then you can compromise. Maybe he's friends with her, but he adjusts his privacy settings so that she can't see all of his information and updates?

mbross3

I agree with PPs who said this sounds like a trust issue. If you and your FI agreed on something and then he went back on his word, that's worrisome. Although, I'm not sure that that's actually the issue here. Let's be real with the FB lingo--agreeing to "unfollow" is not the same as agreeing to "unfriend" so it's possible that he did exactly as he said and unfollowed her, but did not unfriend her (it's just not completely clear from your OP what you both agreed to). 

Based on just what you've written here (I don't know if there's more to the story) I would say you're over reacting. Think about why you want him to unfriend her so badly. Is there a reason (other than they dated years ago and she was a bitch about you two dating) have they been contacting each other, etc.? If there's a reason--than that is the issue you should be discussing with your FI. If they haven't been in contact with each other for over a year and half, he could be resisting this not because he wants contact with her, but because you pressuring him in this way says to him that you don't trust him and honestly makes you seem jealous and insecure. Think about your reasons for wanting him to do this and try to communicate those to him. 

Fairyjen1

    Bottom line for me is, if my Fi is uncomfortable with me having someone on my Facebook, I'd would un-friend in a heartbeat. 

   I parted on good terms with my ex. My Fi even has been on road trips that my ex has also been on. This was after I had broken up with my ex, but before I started dating Fi. He even says he likes the guy. However, because the relationship was the one right before I dated him he is uncomfortable with him on my facebook. I un-friended m ex, no problem! He would also do the same for me if I was uncomfortable with anyone on his friends list. My ex does not need to know the details of our life. 

   I have a few exes on there from college and such I'm still friends with, he has no problem with those, it's just the recentness of the relationship that makes him uncomfortable. His first marriage failed due to infidelity on his ex-wife's part so he is also ultra-sensitive and I'm okay with that. 

   Bottom line is, if it makes you uncomfortable for him to have contact with this girl it is an issue. Especially since he unfollowed/friended once already and then he re-established contact knowing it bother's you. That is more what raises a flag with me. I don't think you are being unreasonable. 

  Now if it were every girl he's ever known you are having a problem with I might have a different opinion, but I don't think it's necessarily un-natural for you to be uncomfortable with him contacting a girl he used to have a romantic relationship with. Especially if she doesn't seem to be respectful of your current relationship. 

lyndausvi

phira said:

Being friends with exes, on facebook or otherwise, is definitely not one-size fits all. There are times when it's benign, and times when it's a problem.

In this case, you have given us pretty much no info about what's going on, besides the fact that he's friends with her on facebook and you're not okay with it. Whether or not you have a "right" to be upset about it is kind of besides the point because, well, you ARE upset about it. So we'll work with that.

So, tell us--what is it that makes you uncomfortable? Do you think she will try to break up your relationship? Are you just weirded out that she can see his updates? Are you worried about them becoming better friends? Is she rude to you?

Next, we need you to talk with your fiance. Why does he want to stay friends with her on facebook? You need to be asking sincerely. You want to understand this, right?

One of my friends was facebook friends with her ex for a long time because she wanted to be the bigger person and follow through on her "let's stay friends" promise. My mom stayed facebook friends with one of her exes for a while (until she cut off all contact--he wouldn't stop emailing her) because she wanted to keep tabs on him to see if he started dating someone else. I'm friends with an ex because I sincerely want to be friends again; we refriended each other last year and are very very very very very slowly working towards a friendship.

If you both understand why you don't like them being friends on facebook, and you both understand why he wants to be friends on facebook, then you can compromise. Maybe he's friends with her, but he adjusts his privacy settings so that she can't see all of his information and updates?

All of this.

On another note, my DH accepts every friend quest he receives.  Like every one.   

 Just recently he yell up to me and said "who is so-n-so?"

Me - "my cousin, why?"

Him - "she posted on my FB wall"

Me - "why are you even friends with her?"

Him - "I don't know???"

DH apparently NEVER initiates friend requests.  But the boy will accept them all day long without thinking.

FB is not really a source of communication for him.  He posts about Chef D or a TV appearance, but that is about it.  He is friends with quite a few old flames, but it doesn't bother me in the least. Big deal an old flame knows we got married or got a new dog?  There is little communicating going on with him and any FB friends. I'm not worried about an old flame.

However, I might feel differently if he used FB different.  If he was posting often on her wall or replying to her posts, liking everything she posts, stuff like that, seeing things that I would find inappropriate. Stuff like that.

jdluvr06

I'm friends with my ex on Facebook. I really don't think it is a big deal. Actually, I'm friends with his mom too. She commented on some paint samples I posted. I do think you're being over sensitive but if it really bothers you have a calm conversation with your FI. There is no reason to get overly angry and have a big fight over it.

FiancB

I'm cool with friends with exes. Not really cool with friends with exes that try to undermine a relationship. Also not really cool with FIs that go back on agreements. So... it sounds like you have a lot to talk about. 

shaylagirl

lyndausvi said:

However, I might feel differently if he used FB different.  If he was posting often on her wall or replying to her posts, liking everything she posts, stuff like that, seeing things that I would find inappropriate. Stuff like that.

No lies; DH posted to a comment on his ex-wife's wall (she posted one of those dumb BitStrip things about her sleeping habits and going to bed early) and he commented "That's not how I remember it."

Honestly, I got a little squicky about it.  I haven't mentioned it to him or said anything about it, but that comment felt 'off' to me.  I suspect because it felt "intimate"?  Something (I haven't yet figured it out yet, but I'm not obsessing over "Why does it bother me?" either).

I'm with others as I'm a little confused; did he unfriend her or unfollow her?  And, if he did, did he refriend or refollow her?  THAT would be something to be upset about, especially if he agreed to do either/or.

Edited:  Because I'm an idiot and responded after lunch and mentally got this and Mrs. Conn's "Other Woman" post confused in my head.  Failcake.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm with those who say: the FB thing alone is not a big deal. But the time to decide whether that was a big deal or not was a year and a half ago... and if he said he'd do something and didn't, then that's an issue. 

In my experience, guys haven't paid nearly as much attention to FB as girls have (either me personally, or friends of mine) so I could buy that he didn't realize she was still there. Especially since FB's algorithms hide people from showing up in your newsfeed if you don't interact with them often. But I still wonder: why didn't he delete her when he agreed to, and why do you have such distrust in him that you forced it then and now? 

Couggal12

Eh, I'm kind of torn on this. FI's ex was BSC. Literally BSC. She would stalk me, say horrible things, threaten him, threaten me, call him constantly, etc. So if he was friends with her on FB, I would flip my shit. Not because I don't trust him but, she is a horrible human being. So I can kind of see where you're coming from since she did not respect your relationship in the past. However, if you trust him then have another conversation with him. Or write down why it bothers you that he never deleted her. Maybe him knowing it goes beyond you just being jealous/insecure could make him realize it is a big deal.

 

MadHops21

I hate Facebook. My last serious ex started flirting with a girl on FB, then started "sexting" on there, then actually cheated on me with this girl. It all started on FB. Makes me so happy FI doesn't have FB anymore. 

lc07

MadHops21 said:

I hate Facebook. My last serious ex started flirting with a girl on FB, then started "sexting" on there, then actually cheated on me with this girl. It all started on FB. Makes me so happy FI doesn't have FB anymore. 

Yeah but this was a personality problem. Not a Facebook problem. Your ex would have found another platform/avenue to be a douche to you via. 

I agree that it's not one size fits all. My husband doesn't get to dictate who I am friends with. IF he had a problem with me keeping in touch with an ex we would work through that issue. It doesn't automatically mean I just ditch being friends with that ex, though it could come to that.

Simply Fated

I'm way more concerned about what you said about being insecure.

Just remember, it's just Facebook.

Being friends with exes on Facebook totally depends on the situation.

kitty8403

I think it depends on the situation. FB or not, it is still a form of contact/communication, which seems to be OP's primary objection.
If there is reason to believe he's being repeatedly dishonest about his relationship with his ex, that might be cause for concern. Unless he has 90 gazillion "friends," I don't believe he'd "forget" about re-adding her, but my FI has has other people (mostly his mom) accidentally accept requests on his behalf when they were logged into the wrong page.
Perhaps he disagrees with your belief that there should be no contact at all, at this point in time. Maybe she's moved on or shown signs of maturing. Have you discussed this? Do *you* think, after several years and an engagement, that your expectation is rational and reasonable?

FWIW, I have maintained contact with some exes but not all. It depends very much on their subsequent behavior and how the relationship ended. The ones I still speak to have all married, had children, and can keep the conversation friendly and polite/professional.

netskyblue2

I had an ex boyfriend who "made" (guilted, cajoled, begged, threatened) me give up a guy friend I had at the time. We never had dated, nor was there any interest there, but my ex would go on about how he was the jealous type, didn't want me being friends with a guy, etc.

He "made" me block friend from my email, give him my email password so he could periodically CHECK that we had no contact.  It was so messed up, it made me resent him, made me resent myself for doing it, and made me miss that friend every single day we were together.  

As soon as we broke up, I got back in contact with my former friend and apologized so very profusely for my actions.  He forgave me.  We're not close anymore, it was a several year period of no contact, but just that act of apology gave me the closure I needed to not spend all my time thinking how bad I felt about what I had done to Friend.


I guess what I'm saying is, if there's nothing going on between your guy and his ex, you are not helping the situation by making a deal out of it.  And if there IS something going on, nothing you can do is going to stop it.  So I'd say just let it be.  Unless she's actively harassing you and you have a legitimate reason (not just insecurity) to ask him to drop her, let it go.