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Getting in Shape


K20CajunQueenK20CajunQueen member
10 Comments First Anniversary
edited June 2014 in Getting in Shape


  • You and I must have the same Fiance because Im going through the exact same thing! LOL, I do Crossfit and spin classes and my fiance is not big on excersizing. On the upside he has been eating much healthier and Ive noticed he has lost weight in his tummy area.

    I guess when it gets closer to the wedding he will want to step it up?

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  • You don't say anything to him.  As you said, he already knows the issues he is having due to gaining weight.  He knows he has gained weight. There is ZERO chance of you saying something without hurting his feelings.  As someone who has weight issues, I promise there is nothing you can say that he hasn't already thought about before.  He has to decide to get healthy on his own if he is going to stick with it.  

    And please stop asking him to go running with you. If it is something you do all the time, all he will think about is how he would be slowing you down.  How uncomfortable for him!
  • If he's into sports you could see if he has an interest in joining a team (also something you could do together if it's a sport you both enjoy). Would it be possible for one of his buddies to get him involved in something (which would take the heat off you, he might not take it as a "weight loss" thing if it came from a buddy who wanted him to join a team)? 

    Does he have healthy eating habits? Try substituting healthier foods (and ingredients) if that's a possibility. 

    Overall it's a tough situation- ultimately unless he wants to lose weight/get in better shape/get a healthier lifestyle he most likely won't. :/

    Hopefully he'll come around, start losing weight & wanting to get a healthier lifestyle! Good luck to you! 
  • I agree that he needs to be the one to decide to make a change. 

    However, I do think you should try talking to him about being healthy (not about being fat, or attractive). I think if you reassure him that you do find him attractive still (he may be lashing out when you suggest a run because he is self conscious and worried you are not attracted to him anymore) he may be more at ease and let himself consider working out and eating healthier. 

    You are planning a future together and his health is now part of your life. If he's been gaining weight quickly, that is something that reasonably should be stopped or he will suffer more complications than he is now and it will affect both of you (diabetes, heart disease, even just mobility and energy level, especially if you have or plan to have kids). 

    He probably knows all this but I wouldn't give up on giving him reasons to start making a change. It doesn't have to be a big change, either. Simply writing down what you eat every day can lead to small changes in lifestyle without much conscious effort. 
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  • Maybe you can start with activites that are less strenuous and possibly intimidating then running.  Pick an activity that seems like more than exercising. . . .a hike, frisbee, etc.  Ease him into working out instead of jumping right to running!
  • My FI had a few extra pounds since we met and I never cared. Then he got to about 235lbs and when we got engaged he decided he wanted to lose a few pounds before the wedding. I offered to help and he complained about the healthier recipes for a while, but when he noticed he lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, he was thrilled. He is down to 211 and I'm so proud of him! He says he wants to be at least 200 at our wedding, which is May 31. And then he wants to get down even lower. The point is, your FI has to want to lose weight. When you see that he is ready, offer to help. But don't ask him to go running if he hates running. My FI would never run lol he wanted a stationary bike so that's what we bought him. Btw we both went on the Mayo clinic diet together (I didnt need to lose any weight though). I don't think you should push him...I think that's kind of mean.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think of weight loss like smoking or drinking or whatever.   You can talk to your blue in the face about stopping, but they will not do anything until they are ready to make a change for themselves.

    My DH is overweight.    Unfortunately, I have ZERO control over food he eats.  He is a chef.  He can and does eat what he wants, when he wants.  We often have different meals for dinner.   I do try and not bring in too many sweets that he likes.   Doesn't work too well since he does much of the shopping anyway.  I can by all the fat free stuff I want, he will just by the fat version for himself.

    What I do do is encourage long walks, bike rides, hikes, skiing, etc.  I try and log in my food at MyFitnessPal.  He has seen me have success, so he started doing that himself.  

     For DH it's all about baby steps and him thinking it's his idea.  Pushing him into weight loss results in the opposite direction. 

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2014
    What are you going to do if he gains more weight later?  Divorce?  Sorry to be snarky, but your post hit a nerve.
    Neither of us resembles the person we married.  My DH is tall, fat and bald.  I was a bombshell back in the day, but now I am a fat, 63 year old cancer survivor whose body is covered with surgical scars and stretch marks from childbearing.  We are very much in love.
    I don't think you should say anything to him.
  • Make it about you? I'm trying to get in shape for the wedding and I'm getting my FI involved too. We go to the gym together and I cook healthy meals.

    I know you said he doesn't want to exercise with you, but do you cook? Or do you do the grocery shopping? Buy healthier foods, give him healthier options...even if he doesn't start exercising, eating an apple will be better than Doritos.
  • You've already asked him about it, and he didn't respond well. "EVERY TIME" you ask, in your own words, which indicates you have mentioned it to him multiple times. Enough times that it deserved all caps for emphasis. So after multiple times of asking him to go exercise with you, he has gotten the very clear and not subtle message that you want him to lose weight. Which you do. He's snapping because you're hurting his feelings, and annoying him. He gets it. He knows the risks, understands he's gained weight, and hears loud and clear that you don't like it. You can either accept that he's an intelligent adult and allow him to deal with his weight as it pleases him, or you can continue to hurt his feelings and piss him off with ideas and suggestions about how he can lose weight. You can't control another person's weight. You only hurt, anger, and insult them by trying, even if it's not your intention.
  • Stop buying groceries! (Totally kidding) 

    You do not have control over this... it is up to your fiance to decide.

    This is what I did: I bought 2 of the advocare 10 day cleanse kits (Highly recommend this to get started)- left them on the counter for a week or so... turns out he looked into it and he decided he would start on a Monday- so I did too... I have been doing Bridal Bootcamp every other day, and he went and got a membership to a local gym with organized classes. (First time since we have been together- 8 years) We have been on a clean eating diet / workout regimen for a month now still going strong.
    Long story short- It has to be his idea. You cant tell someone to lose weight- they need to do it for themselves. 
    If he sees you working out and getting results, he might just decide he wants to do the same for himself.
  • My FI has expressed that he wants to loose some weight, he really isn't big at all, but he said his pants are getting tighter and he wants to be in better shape for the summer. He does not really work out or seem to really want to so I've helped him by taking over all of his meals. I make him what I make for myself, so I send him off to work with a healthy breakfast smoothie, make his lunch, and then cook something healthy for dinner. I'm big into substituting things so you can't tell its "diet". Last night I made spaghetti squash with kale and turkey sausage. Nice low cal, healthy, yummy meal. He never complains about what I feed him, as long as he has food he is a happy camper. He can't even tell most of the meals I cook are "diet". I would suggest trying to help this way if you can. If you make yourself eat healthy meals and snacks, give him the tools to do the same. Most men just want food and that's enough to make them happy. Start cooking your man the healthy options and it should help him loose a few lbs. 
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Ha...people aren't really this shallow are they? OP, maybe you need to reevaluate things. If a few extra pounds on your FI bug you this much, then I would say you should not be getting married.
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  • You really can't get him to do anything until he wants to. H hates formally exercising, so we play tennis when it's nice out instead of going for a run together. You can try to plan some more active activities and, if you do the cooking and grocery-buying, make healthier meals. 

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ha...people aren't really this shallow are they? OP, maybe you need to reevaluate things. If a few extra pounds on your FI bug you this much, then I would say you should not be getting married.
    Sorry - I was thinking the same thing. What if he stops exercising completely and gains even more weight? 

  • lleblanc33
    I would look into Advocare more if I were you...I had a bunch of friends jump on this bandwagon, but the truth is that these supplements aren't really good for your body. It's your choice, just offering my two cents on what I've learned about this program
  • AngusaurAngusaur member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    Honestly I can't believe some of the comments I'm reading. Being physically attracted is so important that you would tell somebody they need to lose weight? Both FI and I have put on significant amounts of weight since we've gotten together. He is still JUST as sexy to me as he was when he was 50 lbs lighter. I can tell by our intimacy that I am just as attractive to him despite the weight I've put on. I guess everyone is different, but I feel like once you are in love with someone, those things don't matter. I find it to be selfish and shallow IMHO. 

    We have decided to lose weight together, strictly for health reasons, not for vanity. OP I can understand your concern with your mothers recent health issues and I hope she's OK. But don't try to use it to cover up the fact that you want him to be "drop dead gorgeous" for your wedding day. On my wedding day, I'm going to be focused on marrying the love of my life, not whether he's got a beer belly behind his tux or not.

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  • I can understand both sides of the coin.  I don't think it's shallow to want to be physically attracted to our partner.  After all, it's in our biological nature as humans.  I do think people can be a little too sensitive about this subject.

    However, I know from experience (as the fat one) that you usually CANNOT talk someone into losing weight.  I was nagged over the years by my mother to lose weight (even when I was a healthy weight).  When did I buckle down and decide to do it?  When I WANTED TO.  That's it.  You can encourage him in subtle ways, like cooking healthy meals and inviting him to do more active things, but you can't sit down and ask him to lose weight.  I mean, you CAN, but I doubt it's going to accomplish anything.  All you can do is continue to love and support him.  He obviously knows he needs to lose weight, he doesn't need anyone telling him that.  But the fact remains that losing weight is HARD, and if you're not self-motivated, it ain't gonna happen.   
  • Some of us fat people have wonderful marriages and great sex, too.
  • CMGragain said:
    Some of us fat people have wonderful marriages and great sex, too.

    I don't think anyone said otherwise.  The fact still remains that people are going to be attracted to different things.  I don't think the OP is shallow for wanting her FI to lose weight, especially considering it seems like he actually does need to lose weight for his health (i.e. it's negatively affecting his life). 
    [Deleted User]cbabybear
  • I would say that maybe you could ask him if he would work out with you occasionally. In the end he has to really want it, but if the two of you together approach a more active lifestyle he may be more motivated.
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  • Asking him to lose is not cool. Nor will it be affective. His weight, his health, his decision - even if you are his bride to be.

    All you can do is lead by example. When I cook healthier food - FI eats healthier food. When I turn down restaurant outing with friends to greasy bar food - but ask if we can go somewhere a bit healthier - everyone has healthier options. Just this past weekend - we had a grillout. Rather than our regular chips and dip, potato salad, pasta salad, twice baked potatos - aka high fat foods - I had veggies, fruit, chips and salsa, nuts, etc - and everyone scarfed them up - hence being healthier! I bought us a gym membership for my "engagement present' to us. 

    We both have some lbs to lose. Either one of us forcing the issue or being rude about it? I wouldn't dream of doing that or allowing him to treat me that way.
  • So, I can totally understand where you are coming from.  You love him and want him to be healthy and be his best self.  It's not about being superficial or mean.  If I weren't sleeping, I'd hope my fiance would speak up and say I look tired and should get more sleep for my own health.  It's the same idea. 

    My FI was really fit when we started dating, and we shared a love of lifting weights / being active.  However, he let himself go over the last few years, and even his doctor has said he needs to slim down (he has a back condition that is getting worse with the added weight).  

    I started making and effort to invite him to workout with me.  He still only goes a few days a week, but it's better than not at all.  I also showed him the MyFitnessPal app that I use to track my calories, and when he used it he realized just how much he was overeating.  I also love to cook and since I prepare all dinners, and make his lunch for work, I have some ability to help him eat healthier.  We compromised on the types of snacks we buy, so he has fewer unhealthy choices around.  His eating habits are MUCH better now, and he's down 15lbs in the last few months.  
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