Stereotypes

Teddy917

What is your pet peeve when it comes to gender stereotypes?

Mine is with the stay-at-home spouse. Where I live, it's typical for the husband to work and the wife to stay home. In some situations the wife also works. But my husband doesn't work and I do and almost everyone thinks I should make him work. But if my situation were reversed nobody would suggest to him that I be made to work.

hlvonb

Teddy917 said:

What is your pet peeve when it comes to gender stereotypes? Mine is with the stay-at-home spouse. Where I live, it's typical for the husband to work and the wife to stay home. In some situations the wife also works. But my husband doesn't work and I do and almost everyone thinks I should make him work. But if my situation were reversed nobody would suggest to him that I be made to work.

@Teddy917

I guess mine kind of goes along with yours. Mine is that the wife HAS to cook and clean etc. Yes I make my fiance breakfast in the morning before work but I do it because I WANT to make him breakfast, not because I HAVE to or am supposed to. He and I share the cooking and cleaning chores. Sometime we turn it into a game

Aray82

FI and I are finishing our doctorates and job hunting at the same time so we're just going to go with whoever gets the best job offer first. You can often negotiate a spousal hire with the university but when we start a family it might make more sense for one of us to just teach part time or stay home--especially with the cost of day care.

Besides the stay at home thing, my biggest pet peeve is the stereotype of men being idiots when it comes cooking and other household chores. Depending on who has more deadlines to meet, we take turns with cooking and cleaning and FI is an excellent cook. But everyone, including the couple who is counseling us for church marriage prep, oohs and aahs like it's SUCH a big deal that FI cooks. My friends with kids also get s lot of this when their husbands get praised just for holding the baby and changing diapers. As one friend was saying recently, her DH gets told, "Wow! You are such a wonderful father!" just for sharing all the child care stuff with her. And of course she never gets told "You're a wonderful mom" because it's just expected that moms will be good at changing diapers and it just comes naturally to women.

HaileyDancingbear

All girls are dumb and have no life goals other than to marry rich.  They just sit around talking about shopping and being dumb and boring and catty, EXCEPT FOR ME because I am the coolest specialist girl ever and I read a batman comic once so that makes me one of the guys.  Check out all this personality I bought at hot topic (Look my t-shirt has a joke about t-rexes having short arms, I like dinosaurs now that it's a shirt at hot topic lol rawr), it makes me so much better than other girls.  All girls just sit around comparing themselves to each other and I don't so that makes me better than them.  I also have no idea what irony is because I have not yet purchased a t-shirt with the definition on it.

chibiyui

Whenever I'm building a tv stand at work.

"Oh, shouldn't you have a guy do that for you?"

"No, because I have this uncanny ability to both read and follow directions"

emmyg65

- a woman will change her name at marriage, while most men never even consider it

- mom will stay home with the kids (why can't it be dad?)

- women do most of the cooking, cleaning, and social arrangements for their family

- dads are dumb and don't know how to raise children (see also: dads "babysit" their children)

- men can't be emotional

- women aren't rational

- women can't buy cars/build stuff/do math/etc.

Basically, all gender stereotypes piss me off, as does the very idea of binary gender. I'm know to say "fuck the patriarchy" at least once a week. (Actually, I have a shirt that says "The patriarchy isn't going to fuck itself.")

Jells2dot0

Similar to Hailey, my biggest pet peeve is women marrying for money. In my particular case, it's that I must have married my DH for money because I'm 17 years younger. I'm CONSTANTLY seen as being a gold digger. I get that "look" whenever we're out. Yes, I am younger, and because I am younger, he does make more money than me, but we work for the same company, doing the same job, and within our respective projects, I'm higher on the org chart than he is and our salary gap, which only exists due to age, is slowly closing. 

It's especially bad when we travel because I have elite status with several airlines and hotel brands. So, we often fly business class and get upgraded to suites. People always assume it's because of him and he paid for this awesome high end vacation for me. Whatever. I LOVE telling people that I'm the one that booked AND paid for everything. 

jenna8984

@jells2dot0 Same with the money thing- when we booked a trip to Cancun last year, my friend asked me "So (FI) is taking you to Mexico/ paid for you?!" I was like no. She's like "Well why not, my husband pays for those things". I was like uuuumm, why would he? I make more than him but regardless it's our trip so why would we not each contribute for ourselves? It was just weird and she thought I was so weird for being with someone who was not paying for it. 

And along the lines with the men do cooking/ cleaning- I always help out with shoveling while a lot of women in my area sit inside on FB posting pics of their men shoveling. I'm like we are a team, he helps me do dishes, I help him shovel. I would feel horrible if he were out there for hours with no help. 

vulpiepop

I guess mine would be that women aren't as smart/rational as men. Sorry, but I'm every bit as intelligent as most of the men that I've met!

Other than that, the cooking/cleaning thing that PPs have stated. I kind of laugh at that one now though. FI does almost all of the cooking (he loves cooking and I can't cook meals without burning them) and we split the cleaning.

phira

The list of things that bother me about sexist stereotypes is a list that is so long, I can't post it because I can't even conceive of it.

Currently, wedding-related pet peeves:

- I love our venue, but the binder they gave us is the "bride binder." It is written as if the reader is a woman marrying a man. It assumes, explicitly, that the woman will read the entire binder, and that the man will not. No, really: there are sections that indicate what information needs to be relayed to the groom. I am a woman marrying a man, but it's 2014 and same-sex marriage has been legal for 10 years. And you can bet my partner read that binder more obsessively than I did.

- As I mentioned in the name change thread, the whole idea drives me nuts. In my case, everyone is correctly assuming that I will be leaving my name unchanged. I'm not the thought police; people can assume what they want to. But, "Oh, yeah, I figured you'd say that," or, "Yeah, I would have died of shock if you told me you wanted to take his name," is really irritating. And, most irritating of all, people talk about name changing with language like, "Oh, so [fiance] is okay with me keeping my name." It bothers me that the other person even gets to be okay with the decision. You know?

- I've recently decided that I've been deluded thinking that I might wear heels to the wedding. I had wanted a low heel because my dress is VERY long on me, but the skirt will be hard to shorten more than a few inches. But I am terrible at wearing heels, and I almost never can go the whole night in them, even when I'm sitting down a lot. So, flats it is ...

... and everyone is saying, "Oh, is that so you won't be taller than [partner who is only an inch and a half taller than I am]?"

chibiyui

@phira I hate the taller thing!

@emmy65 you're shirt is awesome and I want one.

Simply Fated

I read this example in an article or blog awhile back and it really stuck with me...
When a mom takes off from work to care for a sick child it's either what she's supposed to do or people at her job get annoyed because they have to cover for her etc..
When a dad takes off from work to care for a sick child it's all "aww, he's such a great dad!" People at work are more likely to want to cover for him etc


I hate the basic of stereotypes. Women don't know anything about sports, for instance. It's just not true for all women. It hasn't been true for awhile now. Who is telling these men all these lies about women and sports?

jennyleigh16

emmyg65 said:

- a woman will change her name at marriage, while most men never even consider it

- mom will stay home with the kids (why can't it be dad?)

- women do most of the cooking, cleaning, and social arrangements for their family

- dads are dumb and don't know how to raise children (see also: dads "babysit" their children)

- men can't be emotional

- women aren't rational

- women can't buy cars/build stuff/do math/etc.

Basically, all gender stereotypes piss me off, as does the very idea of binary gender. I'm know to say "fuck the patriarchy" at least once a week. (Actually, I have a shirt that says "The patriarchy isn't going to fuck itself.")

THIS. It's not babysitting when you're caring for your own child. FBIL's wife is Italian and their household is very divided into "pink jobs" and "blue jobs". Childcare being very much a "pink job'. Drives me crazy. 

jdluvr06

I agree with all that you ladies have said. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I was going to stay home once we have children, no one ever ask my FI that. Those people usually hate my answer. "I won't be staying home but FI will". They don't need to know that the reason he is staying home is because he has a work from home option and I don't.

Aray82

emmyg65 said:

- a woman will change her name at marriage, while most men never even consider it

- mom will stay home with the kids (why can't it be dad?)

- women do most of the cooking, cleaning, and social arrangements for their family

- dads are dumb and don't know how to raise children (see also: dads "babysit" their children)

- men can't be emotional

- women aren't rational

- women can't buy cars/build stuff/do math/etc.

Basically, all gender stereotypes piss me off, as does the very idea of binary gender. I'm know to say "fuck the patriarchy" at least once a week. (Actually, I have a shirt that says "The patriarchy isn't going to fuck itself.")

Oh the "babysitting" comment makes me feel stabby when I hear it...and I don't even have kids yet!

phira

Everyone just kind of gives us blank stares when we say that if one of us stays home with the future kids, it'll be my partner. I don't understand why everyone thinks that's so weird. He hates his job, there's very little advancement, he wants to stay home and write, he desperately wants to be a parent ... and I'm working towards a PhD and haven't ever been OMG KIDS. How is this weird if you know us?

Jells2dot0

Just remembered another one that I have been dealing with a lot lately. Our company decided to shut down our office. Even though DH and I both work for the same company at the same location, they are splitting us up based on project, so DH and I were asked to relocate to two different places. Everyone just assumed I'd follow DH where ever he was being sent. You know, because he's the man and the husband. Um, what about my career??? Maybe he should follow ME!! After all, I have 20+ years left and he only has 6 at the most. It turns out that the location he was being sent to was NOT good for my career. People still assumed I'd go and I'd just figure it out once I got there. Yeah, right! Thankfully, my DH has a brain and we both agreed to move to a location where it would benefit the both of us. 

pinkcow13

So many things, but recently what has struck me was how it is expected that women will be the ones to stay at home with the kids while men go out and work. Did you guys hear about the Dan Murphy ( Mets baseball player) thing? He was criticized for taking paternity leave and therefore missing 2 games. If it were a female athlete, no one would bat an eye if she missed an entire season for giving birth.

FiancB

We are falling into pretty typical gender roles, like I'm changing my name and most likely when we have kids I'll stay at home for a while. That's just practicality though because my job will be more flexible and because I'd want to breast feed. While they are convenient for us, I am glad that stereotypes are loosening. My BIL used to work at microsoft and they had paternity leave. 

One thing: I used to have a really sweet looking F250 truck. I used to train horses so that was the type of vehicle I needed. If FI stopped at a gas station with it, someone would ALWAYS compliment him on it and ask him about its specs. If I had it, no one would ever say anything and probably assumed it was my husband's/boyfriend's/daddy's and I was the one just driving it around. 

FI is a city boy and an English teacher and didn't know anything about the darn thing. LOL.

jennyleigh16

pinkcow13 said:

So many things, but recently what has struck me was how it is expected that women will be the ones to stay at home with the kids while men go out and work. Did you guys hear about the Dan Murphy ( Mets baseball player) thing? He was criticized for taking paternity leave and therefore missing 2 games. If it were a female athlete, no one would bat an eye if she missed an entire season for giving birth.

I heard about this. Ridiculous. Another athlete (can't remember who) commented on the situation saying that if it had been him, he would have made his wife schedule a c-section during the offseason, or told her that he couldn't make it and he'd see her in a couple weeks. Excuse me??? 

phira

jenbaer16 said:

pinkcow13 said:

So many things, but recently what has struck me was how it is expected that women will be the ones to stay at home with the kids while men go out and work. Did you guys hear about the Dan Murphy ( Mets baseball player) thing? He was criticized for taking paternity leave and therefore missing 2 games. If it were a female athlete, no one would bat an eye if she missed an entire season for giving birth.

I heard about this. Ridiculous. Another athlete (can't remember who) commented on the situation saying that if it had been him, he would have made his wife schedule a c-section during the offseason, or told her that he couldn't make it and he'd see her in a couple weeks. Excuse me??? 

UGH I was so upset about this.

pinkcow13

phira said:

jenbaer16 said:

pinkcow13 said:

So many things, but recently what has struck me was how it is expected that women will be the ones to stay at home with the kids while men go out and work. Did you guys hear about the Dan Murphy ( Mets baseball player) thing? He was criticized for taking paternity leave and therefore missing 2 games. If it were a female athlete, no one would bat an eye if she missed an entire season for giving birth.

I heard about this. Ridiculous. Another athlete (can't remember who) commented on the situation saying that if it had been him, he would have made his wife schedule a c-section during the offseason, or told her that he couldn't make it and he'd see her in a couple weeks. Excuse me??? 

UGH I was so upset about this.

Yea it was ridiculous. FI, his cousin, and I got into a discussion over this last week. FI agrees with me, while his cousin felt that as a paid athlete he should not have taken leave. And the fact that someone would make his wife schedule a c section in the off season is disgusting.

flyingfoxes

My siblings and I were raised by my dad, so it still surprises people that when my mother left, there was no question that he would keep all 5 of us.  He cooked, cleaned, worked - did everything.  I wonder if that's part of why I was so attracted to FI - he's divorced and has sole custody of his two kids.  He also will do the majority of the cooking, and probably laundry and cleaning, because when he's not deployed he works much shorter hours than I do.  I just can't wait for him to retire from the Army and get a job in the corporate sector so he feels my misery.  LOL  

People have said "oh - you'll have to cook now?"  Um - nope!  

HisGirlFriday13

DH and I watched 'Kramer v. Kramer' last night and Dustin Hoffman's character is ripped to shreds on the stand for having lost his job because he took time off to be with his sick son.

The expectation of course was that he should work and earn money. But since his WIFE WALKED OUT ON HIM, who was supposed to care for his kid?

And then the court awards custody to the mother based on the idea that mothers are better parents than fathers.

That whole movie infuriated me. And it infuriates me that in 2014, things aren't that different than 1979.

(I realise that it was meant to be social commentary on the American judicial system and American normative standards in 1979. It was brilliant at that. It did a great job of highlighting gender stereotypes.)

Jells2dot0

Simply Fated said:

I read this example in an article or blog awhile back and it really stuck with me...
When a mom takes off from work to care for a sick child it's either what she's supposed to do or people at her job get annoyed because they have to cover for her etc..
When a dad takes off from work to care for a sick child it's all "aww, he's such a great dad!" People at work are more likely to want to cover for him etc


I hate the basic of stereotypes. Women don't know anything about sports, for instance. It's just not true for all women. It hasn't been true for awhile now. Who is telling these men all these lies about women and sports?

Similar to the "taking off of work to care for a sick" child thing:

I have found that because I do not have kids, people get annoyed with me when I can't do something. I don't have kids, so I should just be ready to go, 24/7.

I used to work with this woman who had two young kids. One of them always had something going on, so she would have to take half days a lot or call out. I usually had to pick up the slack, which was fine. But, there were a few times that I had to leave early and she would give me attitude. Since she was there and able to work later or a full day, I should change my plans to accommodate her. Um, no!!

So, while people need to be understanding of those with kids, people also need to be understand that those without kids aren't always going to be there, either.

mysticl

I just did my womanly duty and made dinner.  Well, I pressed "checkout" on the Domino's site.  Rob is preparing my pizza now.  

I am a stay at home mom.  It was important to us that one of us stay home with the baby and DH is in the Navy so there wasn't really a discussion as to which one of us it would be.  I truly wanted to stay home and we moved to area where there aren't a lot of job options for me 2 months before I got pregnant so it worked out well.  I do 95% of the parenting.  I also have a ton of experience with kids and used to teach parenting so it's natural for me to take on that role.  Though it would be nice to have a little more back up sometimes.  

I am a horrible housekeeper, even before the baby.  So we both do our best.  DH is an awesome cook.  He makes breakfast on the weekends.  Dinner is dived oddly.  If we are cooking that day then he does the cooking.  If we are crock potting then it's all me.  Every couple of months I buy a ton of stuff and take a day out of the weekend and prep a bunch of freezer meals while DH baby wrangles.  Then every few days I take one out of the freezer, dump it in the crock pot, and 4-8 hours later we have dinner.  I find prepping dinner with the baby underfoot to be very difficult so we have found this to work well for us.  

Rob just did the quality check on my pizza, I should have food soon.  DH is working for at least another hour.  

NavyBlue143

"I need my brideslaves to help me plan because men don't care about centerpieces and flowers and bedazzling my unicorn!"

Someone in my relationship was Picky McPickPants about centerpieces, stationary, and colors, and it was not me.

Also, H can't wait to be a SAHD. He's excited about mischief and mayhem and giving me grey hair.

HisGirlFriday13

NavyBlue143 said:

"I need my brideslaves to help me plan because men don't care about centerpieces and flowers and bedazzling my unicorn!"

Someone in my relationship was Picky McPickPants about centerpieces, stationary, and colors, and it was not me.

Also, H can't wait to be a SAHD. He's excited about mischief and mayhem and giving me grey hair.

This was me and DH. We had a lovely shouting match over whether the votive holders should be red or orange and was the red more apple or cinnamon and was the orange more amber or orange-y. He cared about a lot of things I didn't. A LOT OF THINGS.

Aray82

phira said:

Everyone just kind of gives us blank stares when we say that if one of us stays home with the future kids, it'll be my partner. I don't understand why everyone thinks that's so weird. He hates his job, there's very little advancement, he wants to stay home and write, he desperately wants to be a parent ... and I'm working towards a PhD and haven't ever been OMG KIDS. How is this weird if you know us?

FI and I are both getting PhDs and one thing I notice when we meet people, make small talk, etc. is that he's most likely to get asked about his reaserch and I'm most likely to get asked about wedding plans. I mean, I'm excited about the wedding plans and it's nice to get a break from thinking about my research, but sometimes I just want to say, "hey! I'm doing interesting intellectual work too! My life is not just about colors and dress styles!" Even yesterday, when I was groggy on pain meds and in no shape to answer any questions about my research, I was still annoyed that the nurse kept asking FI about his work and gushing about how interesting it was while asking me nothing about mine! And she was probably just trying to let me rest and not have to talk so much :P

JCbride2015

So many things.  A few that are bothering me lately:

During job interviews, every office told me about their maternity leave and part-time work plans (but my male friends did not get this info).  I'm a 26-year-old woman, not a breeding machine.  I wasn't even engaged at the time.

+1 on the SAHD thing.  Our plan is for Fi to stay home and he's super excited about that.  I keep getting comments like, "When it's your baby you'll feel differently," or, "Are you sure you're okay with him staying at home and you being the breadwinner?"  These are things that would not be asked it the gender roles were reversed.

Double standards on professional dress for women, specifically in the law field.  You're expected to look professional, but not masculine; pretty, but not sexy; put-together but if you're too made up or coiffed, you look like you care more about your makeup than your work.

AND, double standards for professional behavior.  I am a dominant, take-charge leader.  Or at least, I would be if I were a man.  Apparently for a woman, that translates into bitchy, intimidating, and somebody who needs to be "humanized."

LadyMillil

Aray82 said:

Everyone just kind of gives us blank stares when we say that if one of us stays home with the future kids, it'll be my partner. I don't understand why everyone thinks that's so weird. He hates his job, there's very little advancement, he wants to stay home and write, he desperately wants to be a parent ... and I'm working towards a PhD and haven't ever been OMG KIDS. How is this weird if you know us?

FI and I are both getting PhDs and one thing I notice when we meet people, make small talk, etc. is that he's most likely to get asked about his reaserch and I'm most likely to get asked about wedding plans. I mean, I'm excited about the wedding plans and it's nice to get a break from thinking about my research, but sometimes I just want to say, "hey! I'm doing interesting intellectual work too! My life is not just about colors and dress styles!" Even yesterday, when I was groggy on pain meds and in no shape to answer any questions about my research, I was still annoyed that the nurse kept asking FI about his work and gushing about how interesting it was while asking me nothing about mine! And she was probably just trying to let me rest and not have to talk so much :P

I'm getting my PhD as well. Whenever I'm invited to lab or school social events, all the new people we meet assume DH is the scientist and ask about his research. Clearly a young women, wearing heels and a fashionable outfit, can not be the scientist.