Chit Chat

S/O question about announcing pregnancies

The answers to the 'Dear Abby' column I posted below got me thinking....

Do you think it's OK to tell some family members of equal degrees of closeness the new before other family members -- I.e., tell your mom but not MIL-- if you know they'll keep your secret and the people you're telling won't?

DH mentioned that we couldn't tell BSC Granny about a pregnancy until we were ready for her to tell EVERY ONE -- her church group and his father (her son) and crazy auntie and etc., so he doesn't want to yell her (when the time comes) until month 7 or so.

I said there was no way I was keeping that a secret from my parents for so long.

He said, 'Well, we'll tell them and not her! '

I'm OK with that,.
Anniversary

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I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

Re: S/O question about announcing pregnancies

  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    I think that's fine. Maybe just because of what you've said on other threads about BSC granny - she hasn't earned that degree of trust or closeness with you.

    ETA: In general, I think it depends on the couple's relationship with the family member - not just how you're related. I wouldn't want to announce it to anyone I wasn't 100% comfortable discussing it with. For me that would mean I would tell FILs because we love them and would want their support (FMIL is a retired labor and delivery nurse) whereas we're just not that close with my family, and I would probably tell them around 6 or 7 months.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • Why wouldn't you tell granny until month 7? 
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  • Don't most women start showing at 4-5? SIL was kind of huge at 6 months, which was how far along she was at our wedding. There would have been no hiding it at that point.
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  • I mean, I realize of course that you may (and I would too in your case) choose to go 7 months without seeing BSC Granny but even if she doesn't have Facebook, someone else you mutually know would surely see and possibly mention it to her.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think it's okay.

    I use to joke that if I ever get pregnant I would tell my sister before my husband.   My husband can't keep a secret to save his live.  

    Honestly if I had gotten pregnant I would have announced it earlier than most.  Not a big old FB announcement, but not going out of my way to hid that I'm pregnant either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    I think it's okay.

    I use to joke that if I ever get pregnant I would tell my sister before my husband.   My husband can't keep a secret to save his live.  

    Honestly if I had gotten pregnant I would have announced it earlier than most.  Not a big old FB announcement, but not going out of my way to hid that I'm pregnant either.
    Yeah I respect people's choices and all but I think I'd tell people almost right away. I don't get the point in hiding it/waiting. Maybe I will when the time actually comes. 

    In BSC granny's case, I'd wait to tell her until, um, never. 
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    chibiyuibeharringtondoeydo
  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    FI and I talked about this before we realized pregnancy wasn't in our future. We figured it would depend on how close to a holiday it was. If it was close we'd tell our parents and siblings and then announce to the rest of our family during the family get together. If it isn't close to a holiday we'd tell our parents and siblings and let our parents spread the news. ETA: this would be our ideal plan. Realistically we aren't good at keeping secrets so everyone would probably know right away.
  • Yep, I think it's fine. People are different and it doesn't always make sense to apply the same rules to everyone. When we finally get pregnant, I'll tell my mom and dad right away because I tell them everything. DH will wait a bit to tell his dad and stepmom because he's just less of a loudmouth than me. And we'll tell his mom last (probably around 12 weeks) because once she knows, everyone will know (she's very active on Facebook for seventy-something).
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    We would most definitely tell some people before others. There are even some Knotties I would tell before some of my IRL friends and family.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    rajahmdHisGirlFriday13
  • I sent my H a pic of the pregnancy test and while he was still asleep I called his sister to tell her, my 2 best friends since high school and then my mom and aunt. We didn't tell his mom for almost a month. Once we had our first ultrasound we told everyone else. I think it depends on each relationship and family dynamics but I agree with waiting to tell those you think will tell others or aren't really close to.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm on good terms with all immediate family besides bio dad, so we'd probably tell everybody around the same time. We might wait to tell the MIL/FIL just so MIL doesn't go crazy overboard for a full 9 months like FI thinks she will.

    I still want to wait till the first trimester is over before announcing though. That will be hard.
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    Anniversary
  • I say you tell BSC Grandma after your move 1500 miles away. Uhg. 

    Because I'm nosy, when are babies going to be in the timeline? 
    HisGirlFriday13
  • FiancB said:
    lyndausvi said:
    I think it's okay.

    I use to joke that if I ever get pregnant I would tell my sister before my husband.   My husband can't keep a secret to save his live.  

    Honestly if I had gotten pregnant I would have announced it earlier than most.  Not a big old FB announcement, but not going out of my way to hid that I'm pregnant either.
    Yeah I respect people's choices and all but I think I'd tell people almost right away. I don't get the point in hiding it/waiting. Maybe I will when the time actually comes. 

    In BSC granny's case, I'd wait to tell her until, um, never. 
    As I understand it (I've never had any kids) the reason why a lot of people wait until they are around 3 months to tell a lot of people is because miscarriage is very common in the first trimester. I have one friend who recently got pregnant. She told a bunch of people, only to go to her first ultrasound and learn that the fetus was not viable. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    SBmini said:
    FiancB said:
    lyndausvi said:
    I think it's okay.

    I use to joke that if I ever get pregnant I would tell my sister before my husband.   My husband can't keep a secret to save his live.  

    Honestly if I had gotten pregnant I would have announced it earlier than most.  Not a big old FB announcement, but not going out of my way to hid that I'm pregnant either.
    Yeah I respect people's choices and all but I think I'd tell people almost right away. I don't get the point in hiding it/waiting. Maybe I will when the time actually comes. 

    In BSC granny's case, I'd wait to tell her until, um, never. 
    As I understand it (I've never had any kids) the reason why a lot of people wait until they are around 3 months to tell a lot of people is because miscarriage is very common in the first trimester. I have one friend who recently got pregnant. She told a bunch of people, only to go to her first ultrasound and learn that the fetus was not viable. 
    I get why people wait.  At the same time I know of a lot of people who have miscarried  A few after 16 weeks.  Meaning,  it often gets out anyway.  I'm just saying for me personally, I would have been okay with that chance.  I would also be okay sharing the pain that many others go through. 

    That said, I totally and completely understand why someone else might not be willing to do so.

    It's a very personal choice that should be respected whatever they decide.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I say you tell BSC Grandma after your move 1500 miles away. Uhg. 


    Because I'm nosy, when are babies going to be in the timeline? 
    Hey, I don't know any of you IRL, I'll totally be telling you when I find out!

    We've been married six months today (!!!), so we are about 12-18 months from TTC.

    So not anytime supersoon. And maybe BSC Granny will.be no longer an issue by then!
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    theartistformerlyknownas
  • I'm with the others. Pregnancy is so personal that you get to tell people on YOUR time line. That said, you need to know some aspect of family dynamics.

    This time around I told SIL second (DH was first), then I told my mom, Godmother and on Christmas Eve, MIL, FIL and BIL were told at the same time. If FIL knew before MIL, she would have gone all BSC so we kept that in mind.

    DD found out at 14 or 15 weeks and we posted the video of her announcing that she was going to be a big sister on FB a day later.

    Showing is different for everyone but I had limited clothing options by 12 weeks. I'm 21 weeks today and there is NO hiding it now. I just keep praying that I have 19 healthy weeks ahead and that we get to bring this little dude home at the end of August.
    OliveOilsMom
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2014
    I plan to wait until 3 months to tell most people. I would tell our immediate families sooner, probably within a couple weeks of finding out.

  • We told both sets of parents/siblings immediately. We told my grandparents around 10 weeks maybe, and we did not tell H's grandmother until about 16 weeks. We knew if we told her then she would tell the rest of his family, and we were not ready for all of that. We didn't put it on FB until 18 weeks.

    This is our first pregnancy, and it happened right away for us so we wanted to be 100% sure that everything was okay with the baby before the whole world knew. I started showing right after 16 weeks, but could hide it with baggier clothing. I will be 22 weeks on Thursday and there is absolutely no hiding it anymore.

    image 
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    SBmini said:
    FiancB said:
    lyndausvi said:
    I think it's okay.

    I use to joke that if I ever get pregnant I would tell my sister before my husband.   My husband can't keep a secret to save his live.  

    Honestly if I had gotten pregnant I would have announced it earlier than most.  Not a big old FB announcement, but not going out of my way to hid that I'm pregnant either.
    Yeah I respect people's choices and all but I think I'd tell people almost right away. I don't get the point in hiding it/waiting. Maybe I will when the time actually comes. 

    In BSC granny's case, I'd wait to tell her until, um, never. 
    As I understand it (I've never had any kids) the reason why a lot of people wait until they are around 3 months to tell a lot of people is because miscarriage is very common in the first trimester. I have one friend who recently got pregnant. She told a bunch of people, only to go to her first ultrasound and learn that the fetus was not viable. 
    Yep. Personally I'd be excited to be pregnant so I'd want to tell people, and if I did end up miscarrying I would need their support. I would think dealing with it by ourselves would be pretty lonely. If it happened more than once I would stop telling people, but at least the first time around I'd be pretty optimistic.

    My mom told random church ladies about one of my sister's miscarriages and she was SUPER pissed. I don't think she's forgiven her yet and it's been years. So maybe my mom would have to wait. So I definitely get telling some people before others. FI's parents would know right away, I'd tell my friends and sister pretty soon after that, and my parents probably only right before announcing on facebook, work and stuff like that. 
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  • I'd prefer to wait to tell people most people at tyhe 3 month mark or so including both of our parents.  It would be hard to keep the secret but I'd want to make sure there was a less chance of a miscarriage before telling everyone

    Anniversary

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