How much did you really combine the two families?

afox007

We went to FMIL's for lunch yesterday and even though it's only April was already asking about Christmas plans. I told her that the last few years have seemed to be working with us going to my mom's Christmas Eve and her coming over Christmas day. She started going on and on about how since FI and I are getting married we are joining two families and should start having all holidays together at my mom's and we can start next week with Easter. I told her it was too short notice to get my mom to plan anything for next weekend, but I would look into her suggestion for future holidays. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought FI and I were the ones getting married not our families. Yes, we become part of each others families, but I'm pretty sure us getting married doesn't make our families anymore related to each other than they already are. Right? 

jdluvr06

No your families aren't anymore related to eachother. That being said my FI only has three relatives and when we started talking alternating Thanksgiving my aunt (who has our Thanksgiving at her house) told us that was silly and said if his parents and brother were ok with it they should come to our Thanksgiving. It worked out so well that FI's family just comes to my family's holiday gatherings. That is what works for us but every family is different and I think that married couples need to figure out what works best for them during the holidays.

emmyg65

Right. I have a hard time understanding families that do this. We went out to dinner together with our parents before the wedding so they could meet. They all get along quite well and will probably be friendly at events with mutual attendance, like grandkid stuff. But I can't see them being friends or routinely socializing together.

Your holiday plans are between you and your FI: split them, host at your house, ditch them altogether and head to the Caribbean.

wandajune6

You and FI are getting married, no one else.

I'm not married yet but my sister and her husband take turns on holidays. I met his family for wedding-related activities and lots of baby-related things. I like her in-laws but there's no real need to see each other unless it's related to my niece. And that's fine by everyone.

Once we're married, it will stay pretty separate. There are just too many people for the two families to get together a lot- no one has a home big enough. We still haven't done a "meet the family" because we need to find a restaurant with a huge space or rent tables for the backyard. (FI is the oldest of 4 and everyone has lots of kids though no extended family. I have highly involved extended family who still can't match their numbers!)

afox007

Logistically it wouldn't be too hard it's just his mom and step dad, but FI and I have talked about this and see no good coming from bringing FMIL to my mom's house. She lacks pretty much any social graces necessary to be allowed around polite company. Her brain to mouth filter doesn't work at all and just gets worse when she drinks. 

Fi said he could see my mom asking her to leave because she'd probably make some comment about my family being Catholic explaining why there are so many kids, or giving my mom shit that now she understands why I have such expensive taste. 

lyndausvi

It's different for everyone.     Our families live 5+ hour drive apart.  We live 5+ hour flight for either one.   DH has to work most holidays.   We have never, nor will ever combine families for holidays.  Actually they have only met once (at the wedding),  We will not have kids, so there will never  be a reason outside of maybe one of us dying that they will every need to be together.

I know a couple that hosts both sides of the family for Passover every year.  Both sets of parents fly to the couples home and celebrates with the grandkids.  (She only  has a sister who is handicap and lives with the parents, he is an only child).

There is no right or wrong answer here.  Do what works for you.

ETA  - when my sister first got married my parents lived overseas,  I spent a few xmas eve and t-day with her inlaws.  One year without my sister.   I moved away from them, but it was nice I was included.  

climbingsingle

So she's actually expecting your mom to host them for all holidays? That's crazypants and I don't know anyone that does that. 

afox007

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So she's actually expecting your mom to host them for all holidays? That's crazypants and I don't know anyone that does that. 

Yep, she said she would offer to host occasionally but it wouldn't be fair for her to have to buy that much food since my family is so much bigger. 

Maggie0829

I think it should be up to you and your FI on how you want to and who you want to spend your holidays with.

H and I flip flop families (or try to) each year for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My parents live in Florida and his live near us in MD.  We never once thought to combine both families for holidays because it isn't just the parents it is also siblings and Aunts and Uncles and nieces and cousins and I know that his extended family (and even his immediate family) would much rather spend Christmas with their own families then with mine and vice versa.

In the end you and your FI need to do what works best for your regardless of what either family says or wants.

phira

I mean, there's no RULE. But it's a bit rude for one person to say, "We should start doing holidays together SO your mom has to host!"

ohannabelle

It all depends on the family. My parents were both only children, their parents got along well, so holidays were always blended with both my grandmothers present. Not so much of an issue with a small family. And the grandmas became very good friends, with the exception of the Great Cribbage War of 1970-71.

mbross3

I can see it working for some people, but not for everyone. For example, growing up we went to my aunt and uncle's house for thanksgiving every year (my family actually still goes-but BF and I switch off between family's). My family would be there as well as my aunt's family. They aren't related to us, but we all love each other and see each other once or twice a year. It's fun.

My family all lives in Chicago and BF's family all live in Philadelphia, we go out there a couple times a year, but I doubt our families will ever do anything together. 

selenathegreat

Ditto PPs. We've had my FILs over to my parents' for a couple Thanksgivings, but holidays have enough drama with one side of one person's family. Maybe we'll be able to make everybody travel to see us someday, but for now it's lots of traveling and lots of parental guilt every holiday!

grumbledore

afox007 said:

We went to FMIL's for lunch yesterday and even though it's only April was already asking about Christmas plans. I told her that the last few years have seemed to be working with us going to my mom's Christmas Eve and her coming over Christmas day. She started going on and on about how since FI and I are getting married we are joining two families and should start having all holidays together at my mom's and we can start next week with Easter. I told her it was too short notice to get my mom to plan anything for next weekend, but I would look into her suggestion for future holidays. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought FI and I were the ones getting married not our families. Yes, we become part of each others families, but I'm pretty sure us getting married doesn't make our families anymore related to each other than they already are. Right? 

You're not wrong, I don't know anyone whose in-laws spend holidays together.  Parents are set in their ways, it's up to the kids (the married couple in this situation) to spend time with whatever relatives they want to.

climbingsingle

Honestly, my parents get along so well with my FMIL I could totally see her coming up to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas with us at their house. But your FMIL is just rude and it's making me angry for you. 

mysticl

I have a mom and a step-dad, my dad and all of my grandparents are deceased, and I have no biological siblings that I'm aware of.  We currently live about 800 miles from my parents.  

DH has a mom (dad also deceased), one living grandparent, a sister and her husband and kids.  They all live within 5-10 minutes of each other.  We live about 400 miles from them.  

DH is in the military.  We do Christmas with my mom if he can get leave approved.  My mother's b-day is Christmas Day and mine is a couple of days beforehand so we aren't doing "just" Christmas with them.  We usually stop at his mom's for a couple of days on the way there and back so just before and just after the holiday.  We did Thanksgiving with his extended family (over 30 people) one year. Our mothers met at the rehearsal and the wedding.  That is it.  They even staggered their visits when our son was born so they weren't here at the same time.  The only time I see them possibly being in the same place at the same time again is if DH ever gets our son baptized or when DS graduates high school and that will depend on where we are living at the time.

blabla89

afox007 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So she's actually expecting your mom to host them for all holidays? That's crazypants and I don't know anyone that does that. 

Yep, she said she would offer to host occasionally but it wouldn't be fair for her to have to buy that much food since my family is so much bigger. 

So basically she just invited herself and her family over for future holidays? That's rude and if she brings it up again, I would tell her so.

Relatives on my dad's side always come over and visit at my mom's family's house on the holidays, but I don't think it's weird because they grew up in a small town and their families knew each other for years before they married.

FI's parents have family on both sides over to their house for holidays and birthdays, and they get along really well.

chibiyui

My parents are coming to Easter with my FIL's, but it was FMIL's idea to invite them, not mine nor my mothers.

banana468

Our parents are now friends. To that end, they have spent at least 2 out of the last 3 NYE together without us. My family includes MIL and FIL (along with BIL, SIL and their DD if they're in town for Thanksgiving and Christmas Day) . The only major holidays we spend with DH'S family only are Easter and Christmas Eve.

I will fully admit that this arrangement is NOT the norm though.

Jells2dot0

Our families have never met each other, with the exception of my DH's youngest daughter, who has met both my mom and dad. I'm sure that is strange, but given the way we chose to marry, and the fact that no one lives anywhere near each other, there has never been a time where it made sense for everyone to meet and most likely, there won't be in the future either. 

theartistformerlyknownas

No way. We accidentally ended up having a combined Thanksgiving celebration (technically Brunchgiving - brunch on Saturday instead of a dinner. It was amazing, turkey quiche, etc. But I digress). It was intended to be only my family, since we saw his family for Thanksgiving dinner... but I invited his mom so she could meet my parents (his stepdad was supposed to be hunting), and somehow that spiraled into him inviting entire immediate family plus grandparents, and his stepdad came anyway. I found this out with 1 day's notice. Plus my 5 siblings/4 SOs/4 parents/3 niece/nephews... we had 26 people for brunch in our 1100 square foot house, i.e. ALL STANDING IN MY KITCHEN BECAUSE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHY ARE PEOPLE INCAPABLE OF LEAVING THE KITCHEN IN MY FAMILY? GO SIT DOWN, I WILL CALL YOU WHEN THE FOOD IS DONE. I still have nightmares.

clarke10

The idea of joint holidays sounds so weird to me. We split our holidays between the families, but I don't think I would ever want to combine them. I want my family time to be MY family time. It's not that I don't love FH's family, they just aren't part of mine.

If she was going to suggest a joint holiday she could as least offer to host instead of volunteering your mom!

Cookie Pusher

I have a feeling that, were my dad still alive, he and FFIL would spend a lot of time together without us kids. My family now consists of CrazyMom and my ManipulatedYoungerSisters. We do not do holidays together. I used to always offer to host since CM does not like having company at her house (even just family), but she always declined. After 8 or 9 years, I just stopped asking and we do all holidays with FI's family. Hopefully, we'll have a house in the next few years that will be large enough to host major holidays in. Even then, it's unlikely we'll put the two families together. It'll already be "interesting" (read: drama-filled) when they're all together at the wedding.

KPBM89

My parents are completely opposite from FI's parents, they live 4 hours away from each other, and we live 12 hours away from mine and 16 from his.  They would have no reason to combine anything and we all are content with this, though FMIL always wants to arrange something with my mom (and she never actually does because my mom is far too busy).  I think they've only met once and that was when FI and I were in college and only together for a year at that time, 6 years ago.

FI and I split the holidays between them or we just stay at our home and save money.  Thanksgiving, we went to my parents' and then FI went alone to his parents' so I could go dress shopping that weekend; Christmas we went up a few days before and spent Eve at my parents' and early morning on the day of, then drove to his parents' house and spent Christmas night and a few days after there.  Every other holiday it has just been FI and I.  Easter, which is actually my favorite holiday, will be spent at church and then at home with our pups.  

Edit: spelling

whitney37354

Our families are only together once a year, at DD's birthday party. I am a nervous wreck the entire time. DH & I go together to each families holiday get togethers---we don't do one big thing. However, my sister's husband's family is always at our Thanksgiving lunch at my sister's house. My sister just has one meal & both sides of the family attend.

pinkshorts27

We have FI's family over all the time. We invite them for Christmas and Thanksgiving. We have spend 3 Christmas dinners, 2 Christmas-Eves and 3 Thanksgivings together. That being said, WE invited THEM. They didn't invite themselves. That is rude, even if they were family. 

Fairyjen1

     My fi's family lives in a different state so we probably won't do this. Although his parents and brother generally come here for Christmas. (there is a child in their extended family they don't want to host, so they run away here instead. It's a long story). They have been invited to my families Christmas, but have preferred to stick around fi's apartment. 

     Two of my aunts by marriage have their parents and siblings generally join our family's holidays. My mom has a huge family so a few more aren't noticed. Only one of the aunt's has parents still living and the sibling on the other side never married so not a lot of people and it made sense to have them join us rather than have to celebrate all by themselves. We love all of them and think of them as our extended family just like the relatives who share our DNA. 

    I think it depends on each individual situation. Some of my other cousins just split holidays between the families and FI and I will probably do a bit of that as well. 

KytchynWitche

This would not work for our families, and not just because of the distance. I foresee bloodshed and bitterness if we ever try to stick everyone together for a holiday...

We've spent Easter with my mom and Christmas with the FILs for the past two years, purely because we prefer not to have to travel over Easter - there are more accidents and vehicle related deaths on SA roads around Easter than any other time of year. But now we're not living in the same city as my mom anymore, and we're closer to the FILs, which would mean Easter with them and Christmas with mom. And I have no idea how FMIL is gonna take that one. She takes Christmas pretty seriously. She spent much of last Christmas in a foul mood because FSIL and her FI decided to stay home (8+ hours drive away) instead of coming here for Christmas.

cruffino

We both are close to our families, and they all live relatively close, so they intermingle quite a bit. DH and I agreed to a holiday schedule because we didn't want the stress of deciding every year.

His family is smaller than mine so his parents join my family's events from time to time.

I would be annoyed that your FMIL just invited herself to your mom's holidays. How thoughtless. And why shouldn't she host your family occasionally? Who cares if she has to buy more food? I just think that attitude is so gross. Next time your mom can present her with a bill at the end of the evening.

AddieCake

Our families live in different states. They have met once, and that was at the wedding. I myself didn't even meet my husband's father until a year and a half after our wedding.

beharrington

Your FMIL was wrong for attempting to impose herself.  However, for those that can't understand why families would celebrate together, I don't understand why it's so unbelievable that people do this.

My extended family all lives in the same small town with the exception of my parents and siblings.  On holidays, we would go to one side of the family and the other would join.  Coming from out of town (especially when we lived out of the country), it made sense for everyone as opposed to one side seeing us in the morning and the other side seeing us in the evening.  My paternal grandparents considered my maternal cousins to be their grandkids as well.  It may be a Cajun culture thing, it may be a family thing, I don't know.