So lost at FMIL's offer.

blabla89

You get one day and FSIL gets one day. You should not have to share that day, nor should you have to plan around her "wedding year."

This sounds like there might be a bigger problem when it comes to family dynamics. Your FI needs to to be the one to talk to FMIL. He needs to explain that both of you are not interested in a joint wedding, and you will proceed with the date that you had planned.

As for a $10k wedding, it's definitely doable and you have plenty of time. Take a deep breath and don't stress too much about it.

grumbledore

nsweare said:

Also, if you do decide to get married this year, it is definitely not too late for dresses. My wedding is in a month. I bought my dress one month ago and bridesmaids purchased their dresses a couple weeks ago. All from David's Bridal and all with a small budget. It can be done. I hope things settle down and you can enjoy wedding planning.

I was thinking the same thing.  You can buy a dress off the rack or order from DB and you shouldn't have a problem.  Since budget is a concern, I assume you're not looking for anything extravagant that would take 6 months to sew by hand in Paris .

I took my dress home from DB the day I bought it because I bought a sample on clearance.  The last time I ordered a BM dress from there, it took 3 weeks to come in.

grumbledore

Hell, I'm getting married in November and my BMs (other than DD) haven't even looked at dresses yet.  It will be fine.  

ladyamanuet

CMGragain said:

Plan your wedding independently of your FMIL.  Do not accept money or offers of help.  Strings will be attached, and it isn't worth it. Your FMIL has made that clear.
My FMIL did everything she could to stop our wedding.  She also threatened to boycott the wedding.  My fiance calmly told her that if she tried to not attend, he would carry her bodily, dressed in her pajamas, into the church.  She came to the wedding - not happily.
You cannot force your FMIL to love you, or to behave herself.  Leave dealing with her to your FI.  She is HIS crazy mom.
Go ahead and plan a simple wedding.  Choose a less expensive date and cut back so you can afford it without help from your FILS.  If your FMIL or FSIL calls and makes demands, just say "Oh, our plans are coming along nicely, thanks!  Have you tried the bean dip?"  DO NOT DISCUSS  YOUR WEDDINGS PLANS WITH THEM.

While I agree with what the consensus of the PPs is, the bolded is ESPECIALLY important.  Do not discuss any of the wedding planning with FMIL or FSIL (simply to make sure FSIL does not get dragged into the middle - you say she is shy and a victim of her mother - do her a favor and keep her out of the middle). 

Because you are concerned with the relationship, I think you and FI need to jointly decline her offer first, together and in person.  Let her know that while you are incredibly grateful for her offer, you want to stick with your original timeline. You understand that her home is not available for the time frame you want to get married in, so you must decline her gracious offer.  Then, any future harping by her can be directed to your FI to handle.

From what you've posted, it sounds like this is a woman that will commandeer your wedding if you allow her any input or to contribute even a dime.  So, as CMGragain said - DO NOT DISCUSS WEDDING PLANS WITH HER.  If she asks, answer vaguely and change the subject. Could this negatively impact your relationship with FMIL? Yes. But as  PP said, so would giving her what she wants - you will likely always hold it against her that she hijacked your day in favor of FSIL.

Though I don't know her, so I might be way off, my guess is if you and FI decline, and remove her from any involvement, she will be very testy at first and very difficult, but as wedding planning for FSIL kicks into gear, I think she will relax in regards to you.  The way she is behaving (offering to have you two live with her, dictating aspects of the wedding, etc) she could be one of two things - 1) a crazy helicopter mom who will always resent you for taking her son away who is trying desperately to maintain some control over and access to him - in which case there will never be any pleasing her. Or 2) she's feeling overwhelmed having 2 kids engaged at the same time, she feels like both days are "her day too" - to show off her kids to her friends, and she doesn't realize how freaking bat-crap crazy she is being.  In this scenario, being firm but polite should eventually bring her back round to normal.

Good luck OP!

short+sassy

Sars06 said:

Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient! 

Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget. 

My grandma had a double wedding with her sister.  They both got engaged around the same time and wanted to get married in the same year.  Great-granddad told them we can either do a double wedding or one of you can get married this year and the other one can get married next year...but I can't afford both weddings in the same year.  Both sisters thought a double wedding sounded great and they both enjoyed it.

Of course, that was in the late 40s.  When almost without exception the bride's parents paid for the whole wedding and a double wedding wasn't as unusual as it is nowadays.

Like a lot of the other PPs, even if your FMIL does a total about-face and welcomes you to have the wedding in her backyard, you all need to back away from any of her help with a 10-foot pole.  She sounds like an unreasonable person who is going to have major strings attached to anything she gives you.  Hopefully, after the wedding is over, you all can have the closer relationship you are looking for.  Weddings do, unfortunately, often bring out the worst in people. 

ashley8918

OnionBreath said:

I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it.  Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick

This doesn't make any sense to me. I got engaged in February 2014 and am planning a wedding for October 2014. I had no problem getting a dress. 

I guess I don't understand why or how it is too late?

PrettyGirlLost

emmyg65 said:

Your FMIL has demonstrated clearly and unequivocally that she's an unreasonable person. In a way, this is a gift to you because now you can throw out your expectations of your relationship with her. It would be lovely to have a close relationship with your in-laws, but with this lady, that ain't gonna happen.

So going forward, it's all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Accept nothing from her. Plan a wedding that you and your FI can afford yourselves. Don't talk about it with his parents. Let him handle all interactions with them. If they insist on discussing it, hang up the phone or leave the room. If she refuses to attend, too bad so sad.

This is a great time for you and your FI to strengthen your little family and become true partners. I highly doubt his mother's behavior is going to end after you get married!

She actually reads to me as a manipulative bitch.

Love everything in this post.

OP, I am so sorry you were brought to tears   Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford, for the time and date that you want it to be, and try to ignore any and all threats and histrionics from your FMIL.

Good luck!

PrettyGirlLost

ashley8918 said:

OnionBreath said:

I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it.  Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick

This doesn't make any sense to me. I got engaged in February 2014 and am planning a wedding for October 2014. I had no problem getting a dress. 

I guess I don't understand why or how it is too late?

It depends on where you are ordering your dresses from. . . @muppetoverlord and I just discussed this very thing the other day!

If you are going through David's Bridal or buying everything off of the rack, yes, it might be doable.  However, if you are going through a bridal salon or boutique, then it might be too late unless you pay the rush fees.

My wedding is October 2014; I ordered my bridal gown in September of 2013 and it arrived in March 2014.  My BM's just went to look at dresses this weekend and were told they need to order no later than May 10th in order for their dresses to be guaranteed to arrive in time.

Emmy1493

I would tell this woman to leave her crazypants at the door. Just kidding, but I would have FI talk to her more about it. She does NOT get to dictate the day of your wedding. Politely decline her offer for the house and find another day in Feb. that you can do it. Saturdays are typically always going to be more, so if you can find a different month and a Sat. that is cheaper, go for it!

Also, her daughter only gets ONE day, just like you. Not a whole friggin' year. The nerve of some people...

jnissa

True Story: My MIL is the ONLY member of my FI's family coming to our wedding because the rest of them are all so pissed off about the date we chose because it's during the school year. Not because it's during the school year and it would be difficult to bring the children (though to my knowledge people do that all the time), but because it's during the school year and his sister is a teacher and how is she supposed to take vacation time during the school year? Why didn't we schedule in the summer (the answer is a)neither of us can get any time off work in the summer, b)our guest list is 70% OOT and it's cheaper for people to fly not in the summer and c)it is hot as hell and awful to get married here in the summer). 

We were upset for a little while, and then decided we just didn't care because having them here and annoyed with us and blighting our day would be worse than not having them here. My point is from your post it sounds like there was nothing you were going to do that would make this woman happy - and her seemingly nice offer was more about control. You are probably ahead of the game if she just isn't there. 

SP29

Oh geez, your FMIL is BSC! {hugs} to you!

You get one day, FSIL gets one day. Plan for the date you want.

Do not accept money from FMIL, even if she decides to play nice, because there are always strings attached. I would not accept to have the wedding at her home, or accept to move in with her.

Establish the budget that you and FI can afford on your own, and then pick accordingly. Choose your venue and figure out how many guests that allows you to have. IF you want to let FMIL invite some guests, once you know your guest limit, you can either a) tell her that you can give her X number of spots to invite whomever she wants (which includes SOs) or b) tell her to give you a list of people she would like to see invited and then you and FI will make the final decision- all or none of the people may be invited. Be sure though if you do ask her for a list, that you give her a date to give you the list by, and once you get the names, get addresses by a specific date so you can send the invites yourself- don't let her take this over or you'll likely have more "invited".

FI really needs to be the one who deals with her. Discuss things first between yourselves, determine your plan, and then let FI be the one to talk to her, not you. Otherwise, in her mind at least, it looks like you're calling all the shots and dragging her "baby" down with you... of course that isn't true . 

As well, although you don't want to step on any toes yet (which is why communication should come from FI), if you let her walk all over you and disrespect you now, what happens when you have your own home and have children!?!? You definitely don't want her walking all over you then, telling you how to keep your house and raise your children. 

As for the dresses- boutiques likely will tell you it's too late to order for fall but you can order a dress from David's in a couple of months. I had a January wedding, ordered my dress at the end of Feb and it came 1 month later. My BM's ordered their dresses late October, one arrived late December, the other arrived in December but we had to put a rush on it. So I would at least give yourself 3 months, but it can still be done. 

Jen4948

Sars06 said:

Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient! 

Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget. 

What if the two couples want two entirely different weddings?  Or each would just like to have one day of their own?

I think you're in a clear minority.

OnionBreath

Thank you everyone!!

I was trying to avoid her but she called to make Easter plans. I tried to avoid talking to her about the wedding and just said we haven't made any decisions and we're considering all of the options. I didn't want to be the one to tell her anything.

She said she had another idea - if we waited until after her daughter's wedding, I could user her dress and centerpieces etc...  

Crap. She IS crazy. Her daughter is size 0-2. Her pants wouldn't make it past my thigh if I tried them on. Why would I want her dress? What if she wanted to keep her own dress? I think she's missing that we don't want to have the same wedding.

So Easter will be fun.... I know it's awful, but i considered going to church with my friend on Easter so I could avoid the family....but I won't do that to my fiance.

ladyamanuet

Holy shit-snacks - your FMIL is CRAZY PANTS!!!

Definitely do not take a dime or any help from this woman.  Do it on your own.  But, like I said before, if you are concerned with your relationship with her, I would have the first conversation with her together - you and your FI telling her you "have decided to go a different direction, but THANK YOU SO MUCH for the offer - really it was so generous, but it's just not in the time frame we were thinking nor does it match our ideas for the wedding".  After that, have FI deal with any crazy pants shit she throws your way.

The reason I suggest telling her together first, is if it's just you, she'll think you are undercutting the FI. If it's just FI, she'll think you don't have the guts to face her yourself.  You need to show a united front - that you and your FI BOTH want to thank her but are BOTH turning her down.

Inkdancer

@OnionBreath I have no words. ***hugs***

RebeccaFlower

She is so freaking crazy. I think you're very wise to let your FI handle her. She is not your problem and can not wedge herself into your relationship. 

As for planning this fall, ModCloth has overnight shipping getting dresses is a complete non-issue. I told my BMs a color and length and let them choose. It was one of the best wedding decisions I made. No guilt over price or style. One paid $200+ and one scored a $7 Gap dress. Both looked gorgeous the day of. 

Kauris

I just want to add my two pennies about dress ordering, you really don't know how long it will take depending on designer, boutique, store, size, location, etc. My dress was ordered from a small boutique in Sept., I had it in Nov. We ordered BM dresses at same place, they came about six weeks later.

Also, hugs and all the wine to deal with your FMIL. Maybe this could be a bonding thing for you and FSIL. Who knows what she (FSIL) is thinking. She might just run away, I know I would.

And remember, when in doubt and you need a beverage, no one ever questions the contents of a Starbucks cup.

ladyamanuet

kasmith1 said:

And remember, when in doubt and you need a beverage, no one ever questions the contents of a Starbucks cup.

^This might be my favorite thing ever