Clarification re: "tiered receptions"

mollybarker11

Hey Knotties,

I've been lurking for a while as I help plan my sister's wedding. You guys have been such a great source of information! One of the many things I've learned about here is the concept of tiered receptions. I've read conflicting definitions among the threads I've read so I'd love your input on the following idea being bounced around:

- the wedding ceremony, drinks, and dinner in Bride & Groom's backyard for close family and WP only (~75 guests)

- later that night a dance/party with dj and hosted bar for all their friends and relatives (~250 guests). this would have no announced entrance, special slow-dances, bouquet toss, or other "wedding"y things.

Would that be considered a tiered reception or an after party? Thanks so much for your help!

Maggie0829

I would consider that a tiered reception.

MNVegas

An after party is basically an extension of the reception, just moved to another location. When you start adding people who were not invited to ceremon/reception then it seems tiered to me and not appropriate.

Maggie0829

I would also like to add that it basically seems like you don't feel like paying for all the people that you actually want to party with so you thought that a later dance party would be a good option.  It's not.  For those that got invited to the ceremony and dinner and then came for the dance portion start talking to those that didn't get invited to everything, hurt feelings can arise.

AddieCake

I would consider that a tiered reception, too.

ei34

Ditto PPs this sounds more like a tiered reception. The two glaring points IMO are the fact that it's the very same day, and the fact that part 1 includes ~75 guests, so it's not like we're talking an intimate, immediate-family-only 10 person ceremony.

grumbledore

mollybarker11 said:

Hey Knotties,

I've been lurking for a while as I help plan my sister's wedding. You guys have been such a great source of information! One of the many things I've learned about here is the concept of tiered receptions. I've read conflicting definitions among the threads I've read so I'd love your input on the following idea being bounced around:

- the wedding ceremony, drinks, and dinner in Bride & Groom's backyard for close family and WP only (~75 guests)

- later that night a dance/party with dj and hosted bar for all their friends and relatives (~250 guests). this would have no announced entrance, special slow-dances, bouquet toss, or other "wedding"y things.

Would that be considered a tiered reception or an after party? Thanks so much for your help!

This is a tiered reception.  The hosts avoid having to fees the bulk of the guests, which saves tons of money, and they still get the huge party atmosphere they really want.  It's very impolite.

A true after party would be open to everyone who attended the ceremony & reception, not them plus 175 additional guests.

If your sister wants to have a wedding for 300 people, I would suggest that she either save the money to host all 300 for the full wedding, or adjust her expectations.

mollybarker11

Thank you all for clearing that up for me

We're from a region where newspaper announcements invite entire communities to wedding dances, cash bars are the norm, and a dry reception would get major side-eye haha. Needless to say I've been learning a lot from you ladies!

LondonLisa

A good way to think about hosting a wedding is how you would host a dinner party. Would you invite people to your house to join for dessert only after you had hosted others for a full meal? Of course not.

RebeccaB88

Yes, I would take this as tiered as well. 

Take the money you'd spend on the dance party and add it to your reception budget, and invite all the people you'd really like to celebrate with. Then after that, pass the word that you and Groom are going dancing at Dance Place or going to hang out at This Bar, and anyone who would like to join you is welcome. Then you aren't tiering anyone, you aren't on the hook for hosting anyone, and you still get to go party with your friends after. Plus, you'll probably drink free all night if you still feel like wearing your dress. 

climbingsingle

I would consider that a tiered reception. 

sofakingmad

Why do people think 75 guests is small?

That's more people than I had at my wedding (I had 45) and I thought that was still pretty big.

lyndausvi

I would also consider it tiered.   Although for 75 of them, it's also an after-party. 

  I do not understand why someone would want to plan something like that?   The ceremony and reception was enough events in terms of planning and attending for one day, why add another event with even more people?

75 people is a good amount of people.  Just end it there or figure out how to plan for the larger reception.    If I planned that way I think I would be confused on who is going to what.   

grumbledore

Idk how anyone has 100s of people - I'd have an aneurysm.  And I LIKE being around a lot of people.

We're inviting just under 100 and anticipating 70-80 will be in attendance, and that feels like a lot of people to me.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

I would also consider it tiered.   Although for 75 of them, it's also an after-party. 

  I do not understand why someone would want to plan something like that?   The ceremony and reception was enough events in terms of planning and attending for one day, why add another event with even more people?

75 people is a good amount of people.  Just end it there or figure out how to plan for the larger reception.    If I planned that way I think I would be confused on who is going to what.   

And don't forget paying for.

Inkdancer

Just something to think about:

It is very unlikely that all the B&G's friends and extended family are local. So they'd be asking people to drive or fly in, but these people wouldn't be invited to the ceremony or reception. They wouldn't be fed or hosted very much at all. If I came in from out of town and found out I was expected just to attend a dance party with free drinks, I'd be pissed off.

alphabridesmaid

A solution to this would possibly be having the events on different days. It is not ideal and still not the most polite, but it would be more like 2 separate events. 

Would the larger event be at a venue? It MUST be hosted.

There should be absolutely no wedding-y things at the larger event, however. It would be similar to what couples who have DW weddings and at home celebrations (NOT PPDs with gowns and first dances).

mbross3

I think it's only an after-party for the people who were at the reception (what is it "after" for the people that weren't invited to the ceremony or reception?). It's perfectly fine to have an afterparty, but you can only invite the guests who were also invited to the reception and ceremony. Inviting a new list of people is basically telling them they didn't make the cut for the rest of the activities, but they're good enough to warrant an invite to a bar and perhaps bring a gift to the couple (could definitely cause hurt feelings). 

s-aries8990

Why not just have an awesome other-holiday non-wedding party at some other time and invite everyone to that?

Like Memorial Day? Fourth of July/Independence Day? (if you're American) Rando Summer Weekend? Labor Day? Halloween? Holiday/Christmas?

ETA: You can still have an open bar, appetizers and DJ!

melbelleup

grumbledore said:

Idk how anyone has 100s of people - I'd have an aneurysm.  And I LIKE being around a lot of people.

We're inviting just under 100 and anticipating 70-80 will be in attendance, and that feels like a lot of people to me.

@grumbledore my brother and SIL invited 350 people, ours is 274. We have a big family plus people who have watched me grow up (neighbors, dog friends, car friends) my FI actually has a small amount of family, but tons of friends he wants invited. His friends for him is his family. I had to work hard to manage to have my list under 300 because my dad feels that everyone should be invited and let them decline if so choosing.

ETA: my dad is paying though, so he gets a say.

kaitlynmichelle

DragonBlood13 said:

Why do people think 75 guests is small?

That's more people than I had at my wedding (I had 45) and I thought that was still pretty big.

We will have at most 14 people at our wedding, including us. Most likely only 12. When I see 75 people as small I always think wow, my wedding is teeny tiny!

scb2471

Just throwing my 2 cents in - that while a "tiered reception" is considered a huge no-no in the states, it is what is the norm in the UK.  Not sure about other parts of Europe...

thisismynickname2

Let me just offer a story as someone who was actually invited to a tiered reception without realizing it. 

FI has this couple in his extended social circle that he really only sees at the odd outing to bars.  They're not super close, but get along great when they do see each other.  So, he received an invite to "celebrate their marriage" at a bar here in the city, around 8pm on a Saturday night.

So we thought, hey, nice, we'll go. FI knows enough about them to know that they wouldn't have been able to afford a more traditional blow-out affair. We assumed it was just a party with the larger group of friends.  We bought a gift card, wore regular night-out clothes, and off we went. 

Well, turns out it was a very upscale bar with private banquet facilities, and the wedding had actually taken place earlier, as well as the dinner reception. Everyone but us was dressed to the nines.  We had to pay for our drinks, whereas others weren't.

Now don't get me wrong, we still had a great time because we like these people, but we felt very awkward for being so under-dressed and underestimating the situation. Also, FI learned that at least 40 people had been invited to the after-party, but including us, perhaps six people showed. 

We weren't offended, because we're not super close. We didn't feel we warranted a invitation to the whole she-bang. We just wished we were better prepared for the night, that's all. 

So.... take whatever lessons you want from that.  

mollybarker11

Great advice everyone! The wedding is over a year away so she's still in the "what if we _____" phase of planning, I'm glad to be able to share your thoughts with her.

DragonBlood13 & kaitlynmichelle: I haven't been to many weddings but I agree, 75 doesn't seem small to me either! That's just the number of WP + family members [incl. first cousins] as a suggested cut-off

scb2471: They're the norm where I'm from in Canada as well. It's so interesting to see the differences in regional traditions

crunchymamaof2

mollybarker11 said:

Great advice everyone! The wedding is over a year away so she's still in the "what if we _____" phase of planning, I'm glad to be able to share your thoughts with her.

DragonBlood13 & kaitlynmichelle: I haven't been to many weddings but I agree, 75 doesn't seem small to me either! That's just the number of WP + family members [incl. first cousins] as a suggested cut-off

scb2471: They're the norm where I'm from in Canada as well. It's so interesting to see the differences in regional traditions

Something being common or traditional doesn't make it polite or good etiquette. But good for you for being proactive and trying to help her

FTR I also consider it tiered. She can always start at 8pm and just serve finger foods or cake and punch if she can't afford a full meal for everyone. Or cut the guest list. Good luck

LondonLisa

scb2471 said:

Just throwing my 2 cents in - that while a "tiered reception" is considered a huge no-no in the states, it is what is the norm in the UK.  Not sure about other parts of Europe...

This is absolutely not true, I'm from the UK. It is a vocal minority of rude people that are doing this. It is like a honeymoon registry in North America. A few people picked up on it and now it is snowballing. 

I have unfortunately been to a few "tiered" weddings and let me tell you, I have always heard a lot comments about how rude it is. 

kitty8403

grumbledore said:

Idk how anyone has 100s of people - I'd have an aneurysm.  And I LIKE being around a lot of people.

We're inviting just under 100 and anticipating 70-80 will be in attendance, and that feels like a lot of people to me.

For us, it's large families. If all of my side showed, we'd be well over 100, without anyone from the groom's side or any of our friends. They can't all be there, in reality, but we still have to plan for them till the RSVPs come in. On paper, our list is about 325, and that's after serious cuts. (And I despise dealing with large crowds. About 40 people sounds perfect to me!)

jalyndani

I can't even think of 325 people that I would want to witness and celebrate my nuptials. Our mothers had more friends that they wanted to invite than FI & I did. We ended up with a final invited guest count of 90, and we're expecting about 70 when we really only wanted no more than 50. 

325? I'd have a panic attack and would be irritated that so many strangers were in the room.

Cookie Pusher

Traditionally, for Chinese weddings, guests are invited with their entire families. If I invited my friend Sally, I would have to invite her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Otherwise, it would be looked at as insulting the family. I am the oldest of 6 and my mother is 11th of 12 children, just inviting out to cousins would lead to nearly 100 guests - and that's not accounting for my dad's family or my bio father's family. Add in FI's family, our college friends, coworkers, we're over 200. That's before we even get into family friends - which, with the Chinese invitation system, would put us easily over 300 guests just by inviting a handful of families.

We opted for what is considered a small wedding in my culture - around 100 guests. Giant weddings are just the norm for me, so 100 seems really, really small!