Is it really that bad that I am young? I need motivation.

aviyah95

I have been dating my fiancé since I was 14 years old. He has been my best friend since middle school and we have gone through every big milestone together. He is two years older than me and when he went off to college I graduated early and followed him. During college we broke up and dated other people, but we still were completely in love with each other. We got back together and on Christmas Eve 2013, we were engaged. I am 19 years old and he is 21. I am starting nursing school in August and we are planning a wedding for May 28, 2016. We have already found the perfect venue and booked it due to constant booking there. However, when I talk to people about my wedding all I ever get from them is, you are way to young, you should not be engaged yet. Why are you having a two year engagement? So much could happen, you never know.. I am honestly just sick of it. Is it really that bad that I am so young? I will be 21 when I get married, but my family won't stop bothering me about finishing school first.. My mother is hosting an engagement party for us next month, and it will be 5 months after the actual engagement but be nearly exactly two years from the wedding. My family keeps calling her asking why we are having one, because they think it is unnecessary because nobody in my family has ever had one and the wedding is so far away... Can I not just enjoy this time because I'm so young?!

Emmy1493

Well, the only concern I am really seeing from other's perspective is that your engagement might just be very long and a little to do with age... but that is okay! I was barely 20 when FI proposed. I don't think age matters as much. I mean, some people make assumptions that because you are young, that automatically makes you immature, or that you have yet to really experience life as you are still growing up.

I do not always agree with all of those reasons because I am actually more mature than some adults in their 40's. I think what really does matter is what you feel about it. Both you and your FI. If you both feel your old and mature enough for what marriage brings, then all the best to you. About the length of your engagement, there isn't anything to side eye about that. There are many ladies on here who have had long engagements. I think if that's what works for you both, then do it. No one can tell you how to feel, or what is right for you, or your FI.

Just take this time to really cherish each other through wedding planning, and remember life will still continue while planning. Remember you will always have people who do not see things from your POV. I just would not allow yourself to get caught up in it. Enjoy this time and good luck with all of the planning. You have plenty of time, so don't stress. You can always come here too if you ever need help or suggestions! 

P.S (Our Wedding Etiquette Squad is the best around. Spread the word! ;D)

lyndausvi

aviyah95 said:

I have been dating my fiancé since I was 14 years old. He has been my best friend since middle school and we have gone through every big milestone together. He is two years older than me and when he went off to college I graduated early and followed him. During college we broke up and dated other people, but we still were completely in love with each other. We got back together and on Christmas Eve 2013, we were engaged. I am 19 years old and he is 21. I am starting nursing school in August and we are planning a wedding for May 28, 2016. We have already found the perfect venue and booked it due to constant booking there. However, when I talk to people about my wedding all I ever get from them is, you are way to young, you should not be engaged yet. Why are you having a two year engagement? So much could happen, you never know.. I am honestly just sick of it. Is it really that bad that I am so young? I will be 21 when I get married, but my family won't stop bothering me about finishing school first.. My mother is hosting an engagement party for us next month, and it will be 5 months after the actual engagement but be nearly exactly two years from the wedding. My family keeps calling her asking why we are having one, because they think it is unnecessary because nobody in my family has ever had one and the wedding is so far away... Can I not just enjoy this time because I'm so young?!

My family feels that way regardless of your age.   E-parties are just not done in my social group.

Anyway, I'm sure it's frustrating, but all you can do is ignore them.   I get why they think that way, you broke up, then just got back together, now engaged, not finished school yet.     They are right a lot can happen between then and now, especially since you have already broken up.

 I'm not going to say you are domed, it's just life is not all puppies and rainbows.  My brother got married at 21, his wife was 20, they had a 6 month old and both were in college.   19 years later they are still together.  Their own daughter is 19 and  has been dating the same guy since age 14 like you.  Even though they got married at a young age and it has been successful they are not encouraging any engagements until after they finish college and on their own for a while.     Niece and her BF are also on the same page.  They are very much together (different schools), but want to wait until after they get their degree to get engaged.  They are not in any rush.  If it's truly the "one" they can't wait.

grumbledore

aviyah95 said:

I have been dating my fiancé since I was 14 years old. He has been my best friend since middle school and we have gone through every big milestone together. He is two years older than me and when he went off to college I graduated early and followed him. During college we broke up and dated other people, but we still were completely in love with each other. We got back together and on Christmas Eve 2013, we were engaged. I am 19 years old and he is 21. I am starting nursing school in August and we are planning a wedding for May 28, 2016. We have already found the perfect venue and booked it due to constant booking there. However, when I talk to people about my wedding all I ever get from them is, you are way to young, you should not be engaged yet. Why are you having a two year engagement? So much could happen, you never know.. I am honestly just sick of it. Is it really that bad that I am so young? I will be 21 when I get married, but my family won't stop bothering me about finishing school first.. My mother is hosting an engagement party for us next month, and it will be 5 months after the actual engagement but be nearly exactly two years from the wedding. My family keeps calling her asking why we are having one, because they think it is unnecessary because nobody in my family has ever had one and the wedding is so far away... Can I not just enjoy this time because I'm so young?!

Ya know, I thought my XH's brother was nuts for getting married when he was 20 and she was 19, but here we are, 8 years later, and they are still married and we're divorced so who knows.

If you are sure, then you should move forward and not worry about what anyone else thinks imo.  And if it's really bothering you, tell them to stop.  

climbingsingle

To me, 21 seems really young to marry. 

I got married when I was 23. At that point, I had a full time job and owned a house. But I was no where near mature enough to be married. The marriage lasted a year. And we had been together at that point for 5 years. I had 10 other friends that also married in their early 20s. Not one marriage lasted. Most of them are remarried and in their mid 30s now, like me (well, I'll getting married in 5 months). 

I think the reason so many people have opinions on this is because you do a lot of growing up and maturing in your early 20s. And obviously, you won't know that until you've gone through it. I personally don't see the rush in getting married so young. 

whitney37354

DH & I started dating when we were 15, engaged at 19, married at 20.  We've been married for 20 years now.  We were young & clueless about the ways of the world, but we did get our associates degrees just before (me) & just after (DH) the wedding. We bought our first house at 21 years old. We waited 11 years to have our one & only child.  Our home is paid for & we have good jobs.  We are best friends.

However, I know that we are the exception rather than the rule.  My mother was always concerned that I only had one date with someone else before DH.  She wanted me to date other people.  There was no line of people waiting to date me, so I don't know who she thought I was going to go out with!  I do appreciate the fact that since we've been together so long, we've grown up together & know each others background.  We have no other partners to compare with, because we've never had another.  We know that divorce is not an option for us, barring an affair or physical abuse.  Unless I get blindsided by either of those, we're together until one of us dies. 

If our daughter should find a potential mate while she is still young, I would just counsel her that this is a lifetime commitment & a lifetime can be many years.  Be sure that you want to live with this person forever. No one is perfect & there will be things that drive you crazy.  Don't just be able to live with them, feel as if you can't live life without them!

As long as you've weighed all the pros & cons, just be happy & don't let others get you down.  Do listen to the opinions given, but don't let others get you down either.

Good luck to you!

 

emmyg65

I guess I just don't see what the rush is. Keep dating, finish school, move in together, whatever, but why not wait a few years to get married? 

Of course, what I think doesn't matter. But what does matter is that you're seeking external validation for your choices. Own your decision to get engaged at 19, to have a two-year engagement, to accept your mom's engagement party offer. You don't need anyone else's permission to enjoy this time.

wandajune6

That's a tough one. My instinct is to tell you to slow down, take your time, and wait a few more years to get married. At the same time, I know that everyone is different and takes different paths.

FI got married at 21 and separated almost immediately after. I've been in a few long relationships. We both learned the hard way that the people we loved when we were younger were not the people we should spend the rest of our lives with.

My biggest concern is your need for validation. If you're 100% confident about your decision, go with it. But if you there's any part of you with doubts, wait. If you need approval, it means that there's something inside that makes you question your decision.

I'm wishing you a lifetime of happiness- and reminding you that you have all the time in the world!

jenna8984

Everyone is ready at different times in their life. I dated my first love from 17-21 and to me it was more just an "at the time" boyfriend. I loved him but I never looked at him and thought we were going to get married. I don't know why, I always looked at him as a stepping stone to teach me about relationships and what to do better in the future when I did find "the one". When I was 22, I graduated college and moved across the country by myself to live some dreams and try something new. It was so much fun and such a learned period for me to grow. I was in love again from 22-25. I thought maybe I could spend my life with him, but the unsurity won me over and I broke up with him to spare us both. I figured if he were "the one" I would know and I wouldn't be so hot & cold about it. I was able to do a lot of things on my own, focus on my career, buy a house, get my finances on solid ground, experience living with roommates. My 20's were amazing and now at 29 I finally have the perfect man that I can't wait to marry. But that's MY story and no one else's.

My friend has been with her husband since they were in 10th grade. They were prom king & queen. They stayed together through college (at different schools), and stuck through his PA schooling a few states away. They never dated anyone else in between, they are absolutely perfect for each other. They got engaged at 21, married at 23, adorable babies at 26. Knowing who they were and how great they are together and the love they have, I would never in a million years say that she was too young or that she should have dated other people.

I was lucky that I experienced my experiences/ ex boyfriends/ single time and she was lucky that she found the one in 10th grade. It's not the same for everyone so if you know deep down that he's the only one for you- don't let anyone change your mind. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. You should be a million percent sure and on the same page with everything you want in life because people do change a lot and grow apart in their 20's so as long as you are prepared for that and to grow together.

mbross3

Honestly, you and your FI are the only people that can decide what is right for your relationship. Your need to have other people validate the pace of your relationship is a little troubling, but I understand it can be hard when everyone around you seems set against your timeline. 

The biggest flag for me, based solely on what you've shared with us of course, is not that you two broke up, but that it doesn't sound like either of you have ever been on your own. You even talked about graduating high school early and following your BF to school! I really hope you chose a school for yourself, and not for him, but that's beside the point. I think everyone should live on their own and rely on themselves for at least a short period of their lives (I don't mean in a dorm or at home but helping to pay bills). I think this can be hugely liberating and help you see what it requires to live an adult life. 

So, if I could recommend one thing to both of you--take some time to live on your own and explore your own interests before getting married. I'm not saying you can't do things together and have adventures once you are married (obviously!) I just mean that sometimes the most powerful thing is knowing that, whatever else happens, you can take care of yourself.

FiancB

Part of it is that people like to poop on parades, period. See the "rudest hthing someone's said to you" thread. You would probably still get the "you're too young" thing up until at least 25 and then it would immediately transition into "you're getting old, hurry up" or "you're too old to throw a fancy wedding". 

But part of it is also genuine concern. Not all of us are lucky enough to meet our Hs at a young age, and most of us were also madly in love at a young age only to not have it work out, and 20/20 hindsight shows how stupid and naive we were. I almost married my boyfriend I had at 19 and it would've been awful. Not due to age though, just the fact that he's a dbag. 

And the important part of that was that I didn't know better. He was also my first and only for everything. That's not necessarily a bad thing but it can also make it really hard to see things objectively. 

But only the two of you know what's best. I do have friends that married their hs sweethearts and they are doing better than fine, so it's not unheard of by any means. Just trying to show where people may be coming from. 

grumbledore

Trust me, it's either "you're too young!" or "why all the fuss at your age!" if you wait until you're in your 30s.  People always have something to say.

I would say, definitely do pre-marital counseling.  But I'd say that to anyone, no matter the age.  But especially for younger couples - there are so many things that happen in life that I know I didn't have a clue about when I was 19 and wouldn't have been prepared to face.

gmcr78

I don't have much to add on the age thing except to say you guys know what is right for you.
I will add that I had exactly a 2.5 year engagement.  That was so we could save for the wedding and do it exactly the way we wanted.  People got engaged and married during our engagement, but we didn't care. 
I find it funny that people are telling you you're too young, but then saying your engagement is too long. 

AddieCake

I think it varies by people. For me, 19 would have been way too young, but that doesn't mean it's too young for you.

HaileyDancingbear

Whatever floats your boat.  And I mean that in a completely non-snarky way.  I think judging people by age is stupid, just because that number really has nothing to do with maturity.  I have relatives twice my age that still act like high schoolers.  I know people my age who are still fucking around and have no life goals yet, and people my age who are in the friggin marines, giving speeches at large conferences about LGBT rights etc. and just being generally awesome. 

Although to the PP's saying why not wait to get married- isn't that what the long engagement is for?  I personally view an engagement as just a couple saying "Yes, we definitely want to get married" (sort of like when a couple "Makes it official" that they are boyfriend and girlfriend as opposed to just seeing each other) so what's wrong with them saying they WANT to get married now, and waiting a while to sign the actual document? 

As for dealing with comments, there isn't much you can do, it's just one of those things where trying to explain yourself gets twisted around into "See, you're being defensive, that's a sign of immaturity!"  So just smile, and remember that they don't know what they're talking about, and their words mean nothing in terms of how your life will turn out.  If being engaged to your FI truly makes you happy, then just be happy and don't let people drag you down. 

It's your life, live it the way you see fit, do what makes you happy. 

ktjanesmom

My cousin was 18 when she got married, he was 20.  More than 30 years later they still have one of the best marriages I know of. 

pinkshorts27

My mom was 20 when she got married, my dad 21. My great-grandparents were 17.  Both marriages have lasted (great-grandparents for 66 years, parents for 30). They both recognized that marriage was hard work and worked hard to grow together.

That being said my grandma was married at 16 to an abusive ass-hat who left her with 4 children. She then married a second abusive ass-hat who brought 5 more children into the mix.

At 19-20, I was no-where near ready to marry, but at 23 I feel much more comfortable. I am dating the same guy I was dating 16, we just waited. 

jenna8984

@addiecake name change! You really do love cake haha

JCbride2015

OP, I'm pretty much in your boat minus the breakup and plus several years of age.  Fi and I were 15 and 17 when we started dating.  We'll be 27 and 30 on our wedding day.  We've been together since high school (different schools), through college (different schools), multiple jobs, a year of long-distance, losses in the family, a very traumatic natural disaster, the list goes on.

Fi and I have been very sure, for many years now, that we are going to be together our whole lives.  Marriage was always the plan for us, at least since college.  But we waited until we felt established in our careers and can responsibly afford to host the party we really want to throw.  

We're also having a 2.5 year engagement to save up money and have gotten a few of the "long engagement" comments.  But it makes sense for us because we're waiting until I graduate law school and start a new job, so it's just easy to say, "We're getting married once I'm done with school" and shut it down.  You don't have to give people more information than you're comfortable with.

I'm pretty much in the "why rush?" camp, as you can see from our own relationship timeline.  These years of living together and going through what we've been through have deepened our relationship.  Living apart helped us each strengthen our individual identities and develop ourselves.  

I strongly encourage you to move out of your parents' homes during this engagement, either together or separately.  I found that moving out and taking on adult responsibilities was a big turning point in our lives and our relationship, and doing that at the same time as starting marriage could be really rocky.

But in the end, I'm with EmmyG.  Own your own decisions.  You don't need our validation or permission.  You're an adult.  Just be prepared for people's reactions, and have a few responses handy so you can shut down questions you don't want to answer.

larrygaga

It really isn't the business of most people to comment on that. However, if it is close family members saying those things, they are most likely very concerned and maybe you should take a step back and think about it objectively. I recommend going to individual and marriage counseling. It's important for even the healthiest relationships. 

Personally, I worry about those who marry young. 19 and 21 are very big times of change. You are learning to live and survive on your own, you are gaining new experiences in school and all that. You will become a different person in the next few years. It happens to everyone. I changed completely when I was at that stage, and I'm still changing! You change throughout your life, of course, but I think you are at the age where the most drastic changes occur for most people. What if your FI changes in a way you don't like and divorce is very hard. I believe that you can be very mature and ready for marriage at 19, but I also think that it really isn't a very good idea. Marriage is something that can wait. You can continue dating and being engaged for many years before you finally commit to marriage. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up and move on.

But I'm about to contradict myself, because it's your life to made good and bad choices, and to learn from them. If the relationship (god forbid) doesn't work out, you will have learned something and you can move on. That's life. You never know for sure what is going to happen, so take a risk. If the relationship works out, than you can tell everyone I TOLD YOU SOOOO

aviyah95

Thank you for the motivation from a lot of you! It really helped. And to the people who think I am still to young, just because you were not ready at my age, that doesn't mean I'm not. My family isn't the ones who have a problem, its just acquaintances, my family just doesn't like the E-P idea because of the long engagement, I probably should have added that. We are taking two years to "wait" and for us that is still to long. I would marry my FI tomorrow if I could. But I appreciate the input. 

bride2b71614

According to US law, a person who is eighteen years old is considered an adult.  You are adults now, this is your relationship, this is the choice you have made as a couple, and you have to be comfortable with this decision even when people make obnoxious comments. Own it, and prove them wrong.

I suggest pre-marital counseling, learning more about yourself, getting your financial ducks in a row, and really establishing a plan before you get married (honestly all couples should do this regardless of their age). 

Although, I am a little confused, why is your family concerned about you finishing your education? Many couples have planned weddings while in school, so its not that uncommon. HOWEVER if you are considering dropping out to plan your wedding, I stand by your family's advice in terms of finishing up your education. Worst case scenario, if you and the FI do not work out, at least you'll have your education to fall back on. 

phira

You're going to do what you want, so whatever. I don't think any advice I could offer is going to matter.

I do agree with previous posters who stress the importance of living on your own. My mom married straight out of college, and after she and my dad split, she told me that her one requirement for my future relationships was: I had to live on my own for at least one lease year before I could live with a significant other.

I took a while to grow up. Not that I'm immature, but it took me a while to get the hang of a lot of "grown-up" crap. Like, "How do I set up electric at my new apartment?" or, "Who's responsible for fixing the heating system--me or the landlord?" I'm glad I had to work through this stuff without a partner. Not without help--Google and my mom were both helpful--but without relying on a (dude) partner to take care of things.

Finally, if he's the right person for you (with the reminder that some of us believe there can be more than one right person), then I do wonder what the rush is. The answer to, "Why not wait?" is usually not actually answering the question. "We're mature for our age," or, "I just know he/she is the right one," are both things that might be true, but that's not answering the question.

emmaaa

My opinion is that if you think y'all will be ready and mature enough at that time, then go for it. This mean being emotionally, psychologically, and financially ready. FI and I  have been friends since we were 5 years old. Started dating at 17. He wanted to wait until I finished school to propose and he would be pretty much done with school by the time we get married. We got engaged when I was 23, he was 22. By the time we get married I will be 24, have been working full time for one year, we will have been living together close to 3 years, and FI will have 6 months left of school.

The thing we realized about dating in your late teens and early twenties is that you change a lot. Your world is completely different when you are 21 than it was at 14. It is different now at 23 than 21 and will be different at 30 than 23. The thing is, you have to grow up together instead of growing apart. You have to accept the changes your partner is making and that this is who they are becoming. You can't expect the two of you to be the same people by the time you get married as you were when you started dating.

There are always stories of failed and successful marriages at any age. My brother and his wife were 22 and 20 (respectively) when they got married. He was in the Army and they had literally only known each other for 8 months. Now, 9 years later and they are still together and happy. On the other hand, one of my BM was married and divorced by 22. She now dates FI's best friend. So there are many ways to look at it. You really are the only one who knows what is right for you.