Did I handle this wrong?

tammym1001

I hired a friend to be my DOC. Our wedding is small so she wouldn't have been invited otherwise. We are paying her very well and I didn't send her an invitation because I considered her a vendor. She is going to have some down time during the dancing portion of the reception and she asked if her husband could come after dinner to keep her company (we know him as well). I felt weird about having someone just show up towards the end of the wedding so I told her to just bring him for the entire wedding. Should I have invited him in the first place?

Second question: We do not have a relationship at all with the minister performing our ceremony. He was referred to us by someone else and we are paying him to perform our ceremony. Our ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception are all taking place in the same room. When we met I told him he was more than welcome to stay and enjoy the reception after the ceremony. Should I have invited his wife as well? 

emmaaa

I think it was fine to invite your DOC's husband for the entire event. Normally, I would be put off for a vendor to ask to bring a guest since they should be working, however, since she is your friend this would be an exception.

As far as the minister: If you invite him to stay for the reception I would also invite his wife since they are a social unit.

Edited because spelling is hard.

PrettyGirlLost

What Eg said!

sarahufl

One of my best friends from college has a little sister who lives in my hometown. I have a very casual relationship with her, but she would not have been invited to the wedding.

We have a number of babies who will be attending, so we want a baby sitter on site to watch them once they decide to go to sleep. We have a back room where we will put some cribs for the babies and offered to pay her and her roommate to babysit. I told her she is welcome to come to the reception, have some food, dance and spend time with her sister until the babies get sleepy. My only rule is she isn't allowed to consume any alcohol.

My friend and her sister are both thrilled with the arrangement- friend gets to see her sister, and sister gets to earn some extra money at the same time. I think these things are all very specific to the vendor.

tammym1001

eg72 said:

I think it was fine to invite your DOC's husband for the entire event. Normally, I would be put off for a vendor to ask to bring a guest since they should be working, however, since she is your friend this woudl be an exception.

As far as the minister: If you invite him to stay for the reception I would also invite hi wife since they are a social unit.

For the minister, should I send him an invitation then? The invite we extended was kind of a casual you can stay if you want and I'm not even sure he is. I don't know his wife's name and the wedding is in one month so all the other invites already went out. Would it be ok to call him and extend the invitation to her?

ETA: I guess I should have thought about this sooner, but it didn't even occur to me that a vendor's spouse would want to come to the wedding until my DOC asked about her husband.

RebeccaFlower

sarahufl said:

One of my best friends from college has a little sister who lives in my hometown. I have a very casual relationship with her, but she would not have been invited to the wedding.

We have a number of babies who will be attending, so we want a baby sitter on site to watch them once they decide to go to sleep. We have a back room where we will put some cribs for the babies and offered to pay her and her roommate to babysit. I told her she is welcome to come to the reception, have some food, dance and spend time with her sister until the babies get sleepy. My only rule is she isn't allowed to consume any alcohol.

My friend and her sister are both thrilled with the arrangement- friend gets to see her sister, and sister gets to earn some extra money at the same time. I think these things are all very specific to the vendor.

What exactly does this have anything to do with the OP?

sarahufl

RebeccaFlower said:

sarahufl said:

One of my best friends from college has a little sister who lives in my hometown. I have a very casual relationship with her, but she would not have been invited to the wedding.

We have a number of babies who will be attending, so we want a baby sitter on site to watch them once they decide to go to sleep. We have a back room where we will put some cribs for the babies and offered to pay her and her roommate to babysit. I told her she is welcome to come to the reception, have some food, dance and spend time with her sister until the babies get sleepy. My only rule is she isn't allowed to consume any alcohol.

My friend and her sister are both thrilled with the arrangement- friend gets to see her sister, and sister gets to earn some extra money at the same time. I think these things are all very specific to the vendor.

What exactly does this have anything to do with the OP?

Just sharing my plans for making various exceptions for vendors, etc. It doesn't seem that random to me.

ElcaB

I probably wouldn't have invited DOC's H, but if you're okay with it it doesn't really matter. My reasoning would be since she's being paid, she's there to work and not play (excluding down time during the reception). 

If the minister is getting an official invite, yes, his wife should be invited as well. 

theartistformerlyknownas

tammym1001 said:

eg72 said:

I think it was fine to invite your DOC's husband for the entire event. Normally, I would be put off for a vendor to ask to bring a guest since they should be working, however, since she is your friend this woudl be an exception.

As far as the minister: If you invite him to stay for the reception I would also invite hi wife since they are a social unit.

For the minister, should I send him an invitation then? The invite we extended was kind of a casual you can stay if you want and I'm not even sure he is. I don't know his wife's name and the wedding is in one month so all the other invites already went out. Would it be ok to call him and extend the invitation to her?

ETA: I guess I should have thought about this sooner, but it didn't even occur to me that a vendor's spouse would want to come to the wedding until my DOC asked about her husband.

I am inviting my pastor and his wife. They'll be sent their own invitation when the rest go out. He actually required this just as more of a final confirmation to him of what the date and address are, but I see this as part of the "thank you" for him performing our ceremony, and made it clear that he and his wife are truly invited to stay. Typically though, vendors' spouses do not get to come. You don't bring your own FI to work, do you? It's a nice gesture for you to invite your DOC's husband, but she was kind of rude to ask since she's being paid to be there.

Will The Googles help you figure out your pastor's wife's name? 

tammym1001

lolo883 said:

tammym1001 said:

eg72 said:

I think it was fine to invite your DOC's husband for the entire event. Normally, I would be put off for a vendor to ask to bring a guest since they should be working, however, since she is your friend this woudl be an exception.

As far as the minister: If you invite him to stay for the reception I would also invite hi wife since they are a social unit.

For the minister, should I send him an invitation then? The invite we extended was kind of a casual you can stay if you want and I'm not even sure he is. I don't know his wife's name and the wedding is in one month so all the other invites already went out. Would it be ok to call him and extend the invitation to her?

ETA: I guess I should have thought about this sooner, but it didn't even occur to me that a vendor's spouse would want to come to the wedding until my DOC asked about her husband.

I am inviting my pastor and his wife. They'll be sent their own invitation when the rest go out. He actually required this just as more of a final confirmation to him of what the date and address are, but I see this as part of the "thank you" for him performing our ceremony, and made it clear that he and his wife are truly invited to stay. Typically though, vendors' spouses do not get to come. You don't bring your own FI to work, do you? It's a nice gesture for you to invite your DOC's husband, but she was kind of rude to ask since she's being paid to be there.

Will The Googles help you figure out your pastor's wife's name? 

To the bolded, yes I do but we work together. LOL 

That was kind of what I was thinking though. I mean I didn't invite my photographers wife, but he will still be eating dinner with everyone. The minister has a really really common name and his church website doesn't list spouses so I'm not sure I would be able to find her and if I did I may not have the right person. I guess I could ask the person that referred him to us if he knows her name, but my RSVP date is in two weeks. Do you think it's too late to send them an invite in the mail?

LondonLisa

1.) yes, invite the minister and their partner/spouse with a formal invitation.

2.) I think it is fine to invite DOC's H, but I would also sit and draw up a contract. I mean, during dinner, she'll prob be running around setting up the cake or whatever, and H will be left alone. She IS a vendor, so just say that you think it would be good to outline the duties you want her to take care of since you are paying her. She may decide that H is in the way of this. If I was the DOC, I would prefer this, as it outlines exactly what I am responsible for. 

jphil0790

One of my friends from high school is going to be our photographer and I am the one that brought up if she was going to bring her BF around. My reasoning is that she should would have someone to drive with her (wedding is over two hours away from where she lives) and also he can kind of act like her assistant (she currently doesn't have one) I was able to get the BF listed as a vendor meal instead of full blown guest price.

Long story short is do what feels right to you, if you are comfortable having her husband there and she understands that she is still "on the clock" then why not?

tammym1001

jphil0790 said:

One of my friends from high school is going to be our photographer and I am the one that brought up if she was going to bring her BF around. My reasoning is that she should would have someone to drive with her (wedding is over two hours away from where she lives) and also he can kind of act like her assistant (she currently doesn't have one) I was able to get the BF listed as a vendor meal instead of full blown guest price.

Long story short is do what feels right to you, if you are comfortable having her husband there and she understands that she is still "on the clock" then why not?

Our venue doesn't do vendor meals so it's full price for everyone. That part wasn't really a big deal though. I just didn't want to offend anyone by not inviting their SO even though they are a vendor. 

emmaaa

tammym1001 said:

eg72 said:

I think it was fine to invite your DOC's husband for the entire event. Normally, I would be put off for a vendor to ask to bring a guest since they should be working, however, since she is your friend this woudl be an exception.

As far as the minister: If you invite him to stay for the reception I would also invite hi wife since they are a social unit.

For the minister, should I send him an invitation then? The invite we extended was kind of a casual you can stay if you want and I'm not even sure he is. I don't know his wife's name and the wedding is in one month so all the other invites already went out. Would it be ok to call him and extend the invitation to her?

ETA: I guess I should have thought about this sooner, but it didn't even occur to me that a vendor's spouse would want to come to the wedding until my DOC asked about her husband.

I will be sending a formal invite to our minister and his wife. You should call and say, "Hey minitser. I wanted to send you and your wife a formal invite for our wedding. Could you tell me her name? Again, please feel free to come and enjoy the reception!"

I would explain that you didn't think to send one earlier and apologize for it being a little behind. It is an honest mistake and some people may not think to do that. I'm sure he would appreciate the gesture.

CMGragain

Generally ministers do not stay for the reception unless they know the family well, but since you should invite the minister, you must also include his wife.  You don't need her name.  Reverend and Mrs. John Doe.  (This is for other brides who might read your post.)

Jen4948

Obviously had you invited her to the wedding as a guest you would have had to invite her husband as well, but there is no etiquette requirement that vendors be invited with their SOs.  It seems to me that your DOC friend is, perhaps without realizing it, blurring the line between being a paid vendor and being a guest. 

While your agreeing to invite him is not wrong, you would have been in the right to tell your DOC, "I'm sorry, but since you're going to be there in a professional and not a personal capacity, I'm afraid I can't invite your husband."

All that said, officiants often do get invited with their SOs, but your friend isn't officiating.

SP29

I would send a formal invitation to the officiant and his wife. You technically do not need to invite him to the reception, but I think it is a nice gesture. He may very well decline if he does not know you well. I also assume you need to include him (and wife) in the head count for food, right? How would you do that without an RSVP?

We invited our officiant and his wife to the reception (same venue, same room)- they declined. 

You do not have to invite the SO of a vendor, but it was nice of you to extend the invite to a friend. I think in this particular case, it would be A-OK to tell her that he can come after dinner (when she has her down time), opposed to inviting him to the entire event. 

lc07

I believe inviting the minister and his wife follows etiquette. Other PPs have given great advice as to how to address finding out her name.

As for your friend, I think you need to follow your gut. My wedding photographer was one of my best friends who is a professional wedding photographer. I invited her husband to attend with her. She did her job extremely well and I know from our second shooter's photos that she got a few dances in with him. WIth that said, I know she is incredibly professional and would have put her work before her social life at my wedding. So I was happy to invite her husband to come. I can absolutely see it being a horror story of the photographer neglecting important parts of the wedding because she was being a "guest" at the same time, though. It's a risk you take when hiring a friend.