Wedding Etiquette Forum

I don't think it's a PPD

So, from my lurking, I've learned a PPD is getting legally married and then having another wedding latter. Because...I dunno, whatever reasoning the couple says.

We're basically doing the opposite. First things first, FI and I are both women, so it's a gay wedding. But it'll look a lot like a straight one, just with two chicks. Now, while the federal government has finally realized gay people are a heck of lot like straight people and deserve pretty much all the same rights, the state governments are taking their sweet ass time to catch up. Namely, our state. We do not allow marriage, civil unions, or any other word between two people who are of the same gender. Because...I dunno some really stupid reasons I'm guessing. It scares people or we ruin straight marriage when we get married, something like that.

So FI and I have had talk after talk about this. Our lovely neighbor state does allow gay marriage. Apparently they're much less scared of us. So we ran through the idea of a destination wedding over there. But...we like our state. For the most part at least. This is where our home is. This is where our friends are and our family is. This is where we want to build our family (for now at least). We live here, we work here, we pay taxes here. We don't want to be chased out for our wedding. Plus living in one state and planning a wedding in another, more expensive state, sounds more exhausting then we'd like.

Our next plan, and then we are going with, is to have our wedding in our state. I'll wear a dress, she's wearing a sexy suit, there will be an aisle, all the wedding hoopla. Then sometime after that, either that week or the following weekend (whatever we can work out with our work schedules, we'll know better closer to the date), we'll hop in our car, head over to our yay gays neighbors and get the legal stuff handled so we can have fun federal benefits! 

For us, November 1st is the day we will get married. That is when we become wife and wife. If we could do the legal portion at the exact same time, we would. Trust me, we're lazy, we'd love to do both at once. But, well, our state government says no-no we aren't allowed, we're different. We agree, this is a wedding. Not a commitment ceremony. Most of our guests are aware of the current gay rights laws in our states (I can't think of any who aren't, other then the kids), so I would assume that what they are witnessing isn't legally binding because it can't be, not because we don't want it to be. 

So, given all that, I want to make sure we are in the clear. Not a PPD right? 
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Re: I don't think it's a PPD

  • I don't consider this to be a PPD.  I look at it is a being similar to countries where a religious ceremony is not legally binding so couples who want a religious wedding must have a civil ceremony as well to make it legal.  
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    perdonami[Deleted User]
  • I really don't care about PPDs and therefor I think your celebration and wedding would be beautiful and lovely. I'm just giving my opinion rather than appropriate etiquette. Congrats!!

    starbright2013
  • larrygaga said:
    They still aren't seeing an actual wedding. However, in your case, you aren't doing it because you are buttheads. You are doing it because of how the law is. As long as everyone knows that you won't actually get married until later, and perhaps why you are doing it like that, I don't see any problems with it. The important thing is to not lie to your friends and family.
    We aim not to be buttheads. Some days we succeed! 

    I don't think we'd make like an announcement or anything, but like I said, most everyone on our guest list is aware of the laws. That's ok right? I don't think I'd like having to say "Oh, BTW, what you're seeing isn't real, cause it can't be, because our state government sucks", it'd feel weird, but also I feel like it'd kind of...undermined the ceremony. Which we are taking very seriously. The vows we are making in front of the people we are inviting are very serious and very meaningful. I figure when we go get our legal thing done we'll just say whatever they tell us to say to get the legal thing.
  • I don't see it as a PPD, especially since some couples don't sign the wedding license until after the ceremony (depending on state laws and whatnot). You're signing it a week later, so it's not like you're having the ceremony in November and then signing the license in, say, January.

    Also, my friends like to joke that they weren't married until two days later. Their minister forgot to bring their license with her, so they had to get together the following Monday to sign it and mail it. Oops. :)
  • Yeah, you're definitely in the clear here. You're not doing it for any other reason than "your state sucks" and you're not trying to get extra gifts or lie to anyone.

    Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant of the situation :)
    wrigleyville
  • Is it weird I don't remember signing my marriage license? I mean I did because I have it with the embossed city hall seal.... I just don't remember lol

    I think this sounds great and think it is so lame that you have to go to another state for the legalities! I am so proud to be from MA when I hear things like this!! :)
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    Anniversary

  • Is it weird I don't remember signing my marriage license? I mean I did because I have it with the embossed city hall seal.... I just don't remember lol

    I think this sounds great and think it is so lame that you have to go to another state for the legalities! I am so proud to be from MA when I hear things like this!! :)
    My best friend couldn't remember who signed as the witnesses on her's! They had trouble picking who should sign out of their bridal party (I was her MOH, but didn't care about signing it, I just wanted to be there with her). She was asking me and I couldn't remember either. So she looked at the picture and....it was me and FI! Then we remembered at the last minute her and her husband decided it should be the people with the longest relationship so we could give them good mojo (we might have had some shots while getting ready) so that fell to us! So...nah, not weird you can't remember signing your own!
  • I don't see it as a PPD, especially since some couples don't sign the wedding license until after the ceremony (depending on state laws and whatnot). You're signing it a week later, so it's not like you're having the ceremony in November and then signing the license in, say, January.

    Also, my friends like to joke that they weren't married until two days later. Their minister forgot to bring their license with her, so they had to get together the following Monday to sign it and mail it. Oops. :)
    Haha!! You know, one of our friends is doing our ceremony, and I feel like he'd be the type to forget the license. I mean, he's done weddings before (he's ordained) and according to him nothing has gone wrong but....I'm not so sure.
  • I know a couple who did what you are planning.  I'm pretty sure everyone there was aware that their ceremony was't legal in their state.  Their honeymoon took place in a state where it was legal so they just took a couple hours out of one day and made it legal.  Then they posted it on Facebook so everyone would know they were now official.  
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  • I concur with all the above.  You are not having a PPD.  Your state is super lame (like my state) and that is not your fault. 

    I love what @mysticl said - are you doing your honeymoon after your ceremony? Is it in the states? Could you make signing the license a romantic part of your honeymoon? That sounds so nice to me (as nice as it can when you can't just get married in the stupid state you live in). 

    Have an awesome wedding OP!
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
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  • @ladyamanuet, We actually have not planned our honeymoon yet. We can't figure out what we want to go do! 

    But we're thinking of trying to get a few days off right after the wedding do like a mini-romantic trip over to the other state. So our wedding is on Saturday so maybe leaving Sunday night and staying for a few days. We just have to see what our work is looking like. Usually FI's work slows down that time of year but...we never know. We'll be able to better judge it later this summer. For me it's a little easier, I just don't schedule any clients and boom, I have time off!
    ladyamanuet
  • Awesome! I def think the mini-romantic getaway is a great idea.  Maybe I'm weird, but making it one of many awesome and romantic things you do while in neighbor state makes it less annoying that you have to go to neighbor state to begin with.  Still annoying, but less annoying because of all the great things you are doing as a married couple :)
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
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  • What she ^^^ said times three.
  • That's a great point @ladyamanuet! We'll have to find some place we really like to stay and do some cutesy romantic type things! 
    ladyamanuet
  • You're not being buttheads; your state is.


    hikebikebemerryCrazyCatLady3
  • Full support!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    No, this is not a PPD.

    A PPD is when you invite a bunch of guests to a pretend wedding (because you were already married) with the intent of making your guests believe they are watching you get married. 

    All the best to you and your FI! 
  • Congrats to you! And while your state doesn't let it be legal yet, I'm so glad the neighboring one does! More to follow! I raise my glass to you!
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  • Nope. Not a PPD at all. I'm sorry that your state sucks. Mine does too. And I've had friends do just what you are suggesting. It didn't bother me at all.

    And now, thanks to a federal judge's ruling, my state has to recognize them as legally married. :-P

    Here's hoping the people of your state and mine come to their senses soon. (They say 2016 for us too, but that's too far off.)

    Love makes a family.
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    misscoffeeplease
  • What you're planning is perfectly fine. One of the reasons that many of us on this board don't agree with PPD (which yours is not) is because of situations like yours. Some people in hetero relationships take for granted the legal aspect of marriage, and seem to care more about the wedding than the marriage. 

    I hope you have a a wonderful wedding and marriage!

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    wrigleyville
  • The vows we are making in front of the people we are inviting are very serious and very meaningful. I figure when we go get our legal thing done we'll just say whatever they tell us to say to get the legal thing.

    [delurks] MagicInk, I think that you and your fiance should do exactly what is right for you, and no one ought to try to dictate to you how you respond to your government's oppressive anti-egalitarian marriage laws! But as you can see, even the most anti-PPD people around here appear to be totally in your corner. Yay. And also, congrats on the upcoming nuptials.

    On the other hand, I think your quote above shows exactly why the rabid PPD hatred around here is actually so unreasonable. Shouldn't the "real" wedding be whenever the couple considers themselves to be married, rather than when the state considers them married, precisely because state marriage laws are often silly and complicated not to mention oppressive, and the point of a wedding ceremony, for many people, is to take serious vows in front of the community that will help support the married couple in their life together? Of course, the vows aren't as meaningful if you actively lie to that community (if you already considered yourselves married but pretend to do it again anyway), and they're not meaningful anyway if you make the ceremony all about appearances and clothes and caterers and money, no matter what day it's on. But in my opinion, the day the couple considers themselves truly married is a great day for their community to be happy about supporting their wedding, whether or not they sign the paperwork that day. And the bulls--- things the states are doing to gay couples just proves, in my opinion, that legal marriage is no more real or valid a way to judge the "reality" of a marriage than the wedding-industrial-complex-sanctified white wedding.

    [relurks]
  • QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2014
    We had a big beautiful queer wedding in September of 2012, before DOMA was overturned. We had 130 ish guests and everyone knew it was impossible to be legal. But it was important for us to say our vows in front of our family and friends. When DOMA and prop 8 was overturned, we did a quickie legal ceremony at the court house.

    We did pretty much just say whatever they made us say. We recognized the importance of the legal ceremony, but it wasn't our fault they didn't let us do the "real" wedding and the legal wedding on the same day in the first place.

    Our real wedding was when we stood in front of' 130 people. Our legal wedding is our taxiversary.

    However. This doesn't apply to couples who CAN get legally married on the same day as their wedding. OP, If you have your legal wedding in advance of your "real" wedding because the government is fucking you over, just do it a day or two in advance or the day or two after. And don't make a big deal out of it. Bring one or two witnesses (some states require witnesses).
    AddieCake
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    This wouldn't bother me because it isn't legally possible for you to get married in your home state (which I agree is totally wrong).  If it were, then I'd think that you were having a PPD, but this an exception.

    All the best to you and your FI!
  • Just an honest question on this subject:  in states where same sex marriage is legal, do you think both same and opposite sex weddings should fall under the 'have it all on one day' umbrella, since there's really no reason to do it another way?  Those who already had a commitment ceremony before it was legally allowed to be legal excepted, of course.  

    OP, you're in the clear with me. You could also consider a destination wedding to where it is legal, but I realize that comes with its own set of problems.  
  • Just an honest question on this subject:  in states where same sex marriage is legal, do you think both same and opposite sex weddings should fall under the 'have it all on one day' umbrella, since there's really no reason to do it another way?  Those who already had a commitment ceremony before it was legally allowed to be legal excepted, of course.  

    OP, you're in the clear with me. You could also consider a destination wedding to where it is legal, but I realize that comes with its own set of problems.  
    Well, given how hard same-sex couples have fought for the right to be treated like opposite-sex couples, I think that while they are entitled to the same rights, they should also have the same responsibilities.  If the couples in question live in a state where same-sex marriages are legal, then yes, they should have their legal and any other ceremonies at the same time, just as opposite-sex couples do. 

    If their state does not recognize same-sex marriage or they had a commitment ceremony before they were allowed to legally marry, then that's another story and I'd give their later legal ceremony a pass.
    KeptInStitchesSP29
  • 16maybeless16maybeless member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Just an honest question on this subject:  in states where same sex marriage is legal, do you think both same and opposite sex weddings should fall under the 'have it all on one day' umbrella, since there's really no reason to do it another way?  Those who already had a commitment ceremony before it was legally allowed to be legal excepted, of course.  

    OP, you're in the clear with me. You could also consider a destination wedding to where it is legal, but I realize that comes with its own set of problems.  
    I'm in Massachusetts, where we've had same-sex marriage since 2004. And the fabric of the state hasn't yet been torn asunder. :D

    I have two friends (one a former coworker, the other a former classmate, both men) who got engaged and married early last year. However, I found out later that they had been "courthouse married" since 2012 and had only decided to hold an official wedding a year later at a very swish hotel. It did catch me by surprise that they had been legally married for some time. Considering they got gifts and rings at the second wedding, I did find it strange, but I also know that my classmate had only recently renewed a relationship with his father and wanted him to be a part of the ceremony. Apparently, he hadn't been out to his father until last year. However, they also had a honeymoon registry with "suggested donation amounts." :-/ If it hadn't been for the gifts and registry, I could understand holding a vows ceremony in front of family and friends. But it was all a bit ... strange after the fact. I did get them a gift. Knowing now that they were already legally married, I'm not sure if I would have. And I didn't do the honeymoon registry.

    Oh, and the valet parking at the hotel was $35. I was like, WUT BUT I'M SO POOR.

    Every other same-sex couple I know has done the normal wedding thing here in MA. It's become so normalized in this state, I don't really think about it.

    Also, congratulations, OP!
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