Bridesmaid - who pays for things? - money rant

sippiek

I need some advice -- and possibly just someone to listen -- I am a bridesmaid. Here's the situation:
The bridal party got an email a few weeks ago from the MOH giving us a list of dates for the bridal shower and bachelorette party to choose from. I did not respond because they were all after school was out (teacher), so I was flexible. I found out a week ago, from the bride, that the date is going to be on a Sunday, when school is still in session, and I have to go to work the next day.  (No, I will not take a day off of work).  The bride told me they changed the date because of family.  I figured I'd deal with it since I wasn't paying so I shouldn't complain (oh, little did I know.) Why is this a big deal to me?  Because I live 3 hours away.

Next, a few days ago all of us bridesmaids got an email from the MOH with a financial breakdown for the bridal shower, along with the date and time.  We are all expected to chip in for the shower.
Why is this a big deal to me?  Because, I guess I'm old school and didn't know I'd be expected, or it would be assumed, that we would all be paying/hosting.  Years ago (12 years ago-- ack, I'm old!), when I was the MOH, I threw the shower and paid for everything. No bachelorette party since, at that time, I was clueless and barely knew what a BP was and thought you had one or the other.  Plus, she was a bit too innocent for a BP. Anyway, needless to say, I was shocked at the assumption.

Today, I got an email telling us what we would be doing to help with the shower.  Three of us are in charge of decorating and tying ribbons on the favors (that cost $100 that the bride picked out) because we are 'local'.  As long as I don't have to make a special trip, I'm perfectly fine with this. But, now every time I see an email from her, I cringe and brace myself.

But, now I'm wondering what the cost of the bachelorette party will entail.  Right now, I'm looking at having to spend about $600 for this wedding which includes the cost of:
dress,
shoes,
hair & make-up, (which is optional so I will probably not participate in this)
hotel room,
traveling 3 times - 6 hours each round trip (shower, bachelorette party, wedding)
prize for games at the shower
gifts (A few months ago, I "jokingly" told the bride that I wasn't giving her a gift since I would be spending so much money on things for the wedding -- this was BEFORE I knew I'd be responsible for paying for the pre-wedding parties -- and she laughed and said, "yeah, right".)

I have not responded to the MOH or talked to the bride yet because I feel like I will be passive aggressive, so I need to give it some time. I also want to find out from others on here if I'm being irrational.  I just never dreamed I'd be paying so much when I agreed to be a bridesmaid. Any suggestions on where to go from here without sounding like a total jerk? I only met the bride a year and a half ago, but we became instant friends and I do love her (even though it doesn't sound like it right now!)  I'm also cheap and very thrifty.

Thanks for your input and taking the time to read my rant!

AddieCake

All people contributing to the shower should have been consulted about how much it would cost and how much they were interested in contributing. They should never be told "Here is what you owe" or told what they will be doing. You are not wrong to be feeling irritated by how things are going.

nebullama

I agree with Addie. It is disrespectful for the MOH to dictate how you spend your money.

I might also suggest that it would be wise for you to initiate a polite chat about the Bach party before she hands you an invoice for that too. Just what Addie said, if you are interested in contributing let her know up front how much you had in mind. If they insist on something extravagant that you are not okay with, it is perfectly acceptable for you to decline to participate altogether.

huskypuppy14

My sister had a very similar experience to yours. She is in her friend's wedding the week after my wedding. She hadn't heard anything about the bridal shower (also lives 3 hours away from the bride), I think she assumed the bride's family was taking care of it. 

She gets an email from the maid of honor saying the bridesmaids each owes 300 dollars for the bridal shower, that oh just so happens to be the same day as my shower. The MOH also says that this is the gift to the bride and groom, so no need to get an additional gift.

 So my sister emails the MOH and says, that she is not paying for a shower she wasn't even consulted on, and she can't go anyway, because it's the same day as mine. She also says she has never been "invoiced for a shower" and it wasn't appropriate etiquette- go sis! And that she already bought a gift.

You are not wrong at all OP. I wouldn't pay for a shower I had no control over. It's fine for the bridal party to chip in and do it together, but that means everyone has input. It's not cool for someone to plan the whole thing, and then say "ok girls, you all owe x amount." 

Sugargirl1019

I think it is so so rude that she is demanding you pay this and do that without consulting you first.

My MOH is throwing my shower. I would be APPALLED if she sent a message to the other girls demanding x amount of dollars and you need to be here at this time to help do this. I hope the bride doesn't know about this - she should be upset for you about it all.

phira

If you're hosting, then you get to have a say in when the event is, what the event will be like, what you will pay, and what you will do. Basically, the date was picked without your feedback, and you're being told what the event will be like, what you'll pay, and what you have to do. Bullshit, nope.

The only thing I think you should have done differently? You should have replied to the first email with the dates. Just something like, "All of those dates work fine for me!" just to let people know I was in the loop.

However, your lack of reply doesn't make the situation okay.

NYCMercedes

All of what PP's have said and more. How are you going to get out of all that nonsense?

lovesclimbing

I'm the MOH for my sister's upcoming wedding. Myself and a friend are co-hosting a shower. I would never in a million years invoice the other two BMs for the shower. That is incredibly rude.

You would be well within your rights to contact the MOH and say you're afraid you can't spend that much, but you can contribute X. (if you can)

hyechica81

so rude and tacky its the moh job to foot the whole bill.  my baby  sister is throwing mine shes in her last year of college and money is tight but my mom offered to help her out with it and i have a cousin who offered to help with the decorations (shes very crafty).
write them back and say unfortunately i was aware we had to pay for anything for the bridal shower no notice or anything was given to me you just sent me an email and asked that i pay x amount of dollars i can only afford to chip in this amount of money for bridal shower/bach party and moh has to be understanding

then change the subject and say i look forward to the bridal shower cant wait to see everyone

OliveOilsMom

sippiek said:

I need some advice -- and possibly just someone to listen -- I am a bridesmaid. Here's the situation:
The bridal party got an email a few weeks ago from the MOH giving us a list of dates for the bridal shower and bachelorette party to choose from. I did not respond because they were all after school was out (teacher), so I was flexible. I found out a week ago, from the bride, that the date is going to be on a Sunday, when school is still in session, and I have to go to work the next day.  (No, I will not take a day off of work).  The bride told me they changed the date because of family.  I figured I'd deal with it since I wasn't paying so I shouldn't complain (oh, little did I know.) Why is this a big deal to me?  Because I live 3 hours away.

Next, a few days ago all of us bridesmaids got an email from the MOH with a financial breakdown for the bridal shower, along with the date and time.  We are all expected to chip in for the shower.
Why is this a big deal to me?  Because, I guess I'm old school and didn't know I'd be expected, or it would be assumed, that we would all be paying/hosting.  Years ago (12 years ago-- ack, I'm old!), when I was the MOH, I threw the shower and paid for everything. No bachelorette party since, at that time, I was clueless and barely knew what a BP was and thought you had one or the other.  Plus, she was a bit too innocent for a BP. Anyway, needless to say, I was shocked at the assumption.

Today, I got an email telling us what we would be doing to help with the shower.  Three of us are in charge of decorating and tying ribbons on the favors (that cost $100 that the bride picked out) because we are 'local'.  As long as I don't have to make a special trip, I'm perfectly fine with this. But, now every time I see an email from her, I cringe and brace myself.

But, now I'm wondering what the cost of the bachelorette party will entail.  Right now, I'm looking at having to spend about $600 for this wedding which includes the cost of:
dress,
shoes,
hair & make-up, (which is optional so I will probably not participate in this)
hotel room,
traveling 3 times - 6 hours each round trip (shower, bachelorette party, wedding)
prize for games at the shower
gifts (A few months ago, I "jokingly" told the bride that I wasn't giving her a gift since I would be spending so much money on things for the wedding -- this was BEFORE I knew I'd be responsible for paying for the pre-wedding parties -- and she laughed and said, "yeah, right".)

I have not responded to the MOH or talked to the bride yet because I feel like I will be passive aggressive, so I need to give it some time. I also want to find out from others on here if I'm being irrational.  I just never dreamed I'd be paying so much when I agreed to be a bridesmaid. Any suggestions on where to go from here without sounding like a total jerk? I only met the bride a year and a half ago, but we became instant friends and I do love her (even though it doesn't sound like it right now!)  I'm also cheap and very thrifty.

Thanks for your input and taking the time to read my rant!

You need to speak to the MOH now to fix this problem.  Showers are basically done the same way in my area.  So I knew what to expect and told the MOH in the wedding I'm currently in that I can't spend more the $x.  You are not wrong to be shocked at the bill you were just sent.  Some other friends of mine are in a similar situation - the shower date is bad for them and they can't attend, so they have already told the MOH to not expect them or their money for the shower.

You need to email the MOH back immediately and tell them that your budget for the shower is x.  If your budget is $0 for the shower, then just tell her that there was a miscommunication somewhere and that you are unable to help pay for the shower.  I would also consider now, if you would want to even attend the b party.  Being 3 hours one way, I would not be attending both the shower and the b party.  Any bride who is a good friend would completely understand.  If you decide to not attend the b party, then tell the MOH now you won't be able to attend or contribute to the party.

emmyg65

Decide what you're comfortable doing and write back to the MOH: "Thank you so much for planning this! Because I'm busy prepping my classes, I won't be able to participate in everything you suggested. I can do x, y, and z. Looking forward to it!"

Being clear and straightforward about your limits isn't passive aggressive at all, and it's much better than letting your resentment grow.

KickAssMOH

I am in a similar situation where I am a BM and felt like I was just "invoiced" for the shower and jack&jill - higher amounts than I have ever contributed for anyone else's wedding in the past. When I voiced my concerns to the MOH regarding the affordability of the elaborate functions she was planning and how I now think I am now unable to afford the bach party so please leave me out of that one, she IGNORED my email and sent a follow-up to the group including me in the bach party and adding "we are asking that all BM's, regardless of whether or not they can attend this, still contribute to cover the cost of bride to attend/eat/drink"  ...for a 4-day party.

It all unfolded this week and has now left me with a sour taste in my mouth and feelings of regret for thinking that I could afford all of this. I feel your pain, my friend. This situation sucks. I am at the point where I am going to have a convo with the bride and try my best not to throw MOH under the bus (since, other than invoicing me, she is a very nice person). It will be $1000 for me to be a BM, and $2000 for me to attend the actual wedding, so I will see what she'd prefer - me as a BM or for me to be able to afford to come to the actual wedding as an attendant. 

AddieCake

hyechica81 said:

so rude and tacky its the moh job to foot the whole bill.  my baby  sister is throwing mine shes in her last year of college and money is tight but my mom offered to help her out with it and i have a cousin who offered to help with the decorations (shes very crafty).
write them back and say unfortunately i was aware we had to pay for anything for the bridal shower no notice or anything was given to me you just sent me an email and asked that i pay x amount of dollars i can only afford to chip in this amount of money for bridal shower/bach party and moh has to be understanding

then change the subject and say i look forward to the bridal shower cant wait to see everyone

How is it the MOH's job to foot the whole bill?

sippiek

Thank you all for your input! I appreciate it. I am the type that builds up resentment, like a PP mentioned, so I know I have to send out an email. 

But, YIKES to those that are expected to shell out $300 just for the bridal shower, or $1,000-2,000 in total!!! That's just crazy! 

Btw, what is a jack&jill?

Liatris2010

Time to speak up. The MOH is steamrolling you (and everyone else) and sitting and seething isn't helpful. If you don't want to travel to showers and bach parties, don't. Just say no. No one can spend your money but you. MOH needs a reality check.

Jen4948

If there's no possible way you can participate, then I'd tell the MOH, "Had you asked about my budget or schedule in advance, I would have been happy to let you know how I could participate.  I'm sorry, but I'm not able to participate directly or contribute financially to the current plans."

SP29

Yikes! I would definitely say something to the MOH. The only thing you are required to do is show up on the wedding day wearing the agreed upon dress (if the bride picks the dress, she should determine your budget first). 

It is within the bride and hosts' right to pick a day that works best for them- but they should realize that whatever day they pick, some people may not be able to come- and that should be OK!

Giving you an invoice for the shower is crap. The above poster who said this is right- if you are expected to pay for the shower- you are now a host and get input on the date, venue, food and anything else to do with the shower.

I would talk to the MOH and tell her that since you were never consulted on anything to do with the shower, you are not comfortable with what is being planned. You can either say that your budget to contribute is $X, or that you are unable to contribute at all (which is perfectly fine! Since you had no say in the date or choosing the items that cost money). Or, you are unable to contribute funds but you'd be happy to help set up/ prepare food/ prepare favours, or that you are unable to attend at all. 

Get this out in the open now. In fact, I'd probably also say something to the effect that if you are going to be assumed to contribute to any events in future, that you need to be consulted first on the feasibility and budget.

Like c'mon, don't people realize that many people, even if they make good money, live off of a budget and can't just pull a few hundred to a few thousand (seriously!!) out of their pocket at a moments notice?? 

A Jack and Jill/ stag and doe/ buck and doe is an event put on for the bride and groom that involves food, a DJ/band, games and a bar- all proceeds go to the bride and groom for the wedding. I am from a region where these are very popular, and while I get that they aren't etiquette approved, I don't hate them. However, the WP should never be expected to cover the costs for it!! In my experience, it is usually family that puts the event on- but it is family that has offered to do it, not an expectation of the B&G.

MGP

OP you are totally in the right. Tell this MOH exactly what you can afford and what you are willing to do and do it immediately. Putting it off just gives her more time to spend other people's money and plan an event that is out of everyone's budget. Seriously this invoicing for parties needs to stop. Why do so many people think it is ok to do this to others? And then try and make them feel bad when they have the courage to speak up? If we agree on an amount and by the end of the event I owe someone money, that's fine. If I am told I will (and have) completely shut down up to and including the point of pulling out as a host.. No one - other than my husband who is the sole income earner in our family - tells me how and where to spend my money. (Sorry no paragraphs Knot get with the program for iPads!)

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

hyechica81 said:

so rude and tacky its the moh job to foot the whole bill.  my baby  sister is throwing mine shes in her last year of college and money is tight but my mom offered to help her out with it and i have a cousin who offered to help with the decorations (shes very crafty).
write them back and say unfortunately i was aware we had to pay for anything for the bridal shower no notice or anything was given to me you just sent me an email and asked that i pay x amount of dollars i can only afford to chip in this amount of money for bridal shower/bach party and moh has to be understanding

then change the subject and say i look forward to the bridal shower cant wait to see everyone

How is it the MOH's job to foot the whole bill?

I took it as this MOH is planning the shower so she should be footing the bill.  Not that the job of a MOH is to host and pay for a shower.

AddieCake

Ahhh, thank you, Lynda. I was not clear from the OP that the MOH had been the only one putting the shower together, just that the email came from her.

happywiggle

KickAssMOH said:

I am in a similar situation where I am a BM and felt like I was just "invoiced" for the shower and jack&jill - higher amounts than I have ever contributed for anyone else's wedding in the past. When I voiced my concerns to the MOH regarding the affordability of the elaborate functions she was planning and how I now think I am now unable to afford the bach party so please leave me out of that one, she IGNORED my email and sent a follow-up to the group including me in the bach party and adding "we are asking that all BM's, regardless of whether or not they can attend this, still contribute to cover the cost of bride to attend/eat/drink"  ...for a 4-day party.

It all unfolded this week and has now left me with a sour taste in my mouth and feelings of regret for thinking that I could afford all of this. I feel your pain, my friend. This situation sucks. I am at the point where I am going to have a convo with the bride and try my best not to throw MOH under the bus (since, other than invoicing me, she is a very nice person). It will be $1000 for me to be a BM, and $2000 for me to attend the actual wedding, so I will see what she'd prefer - me as a BM or for me to be able to afford to come to the actual wedding as an attendant. 

$1000 and $2000, so $3000 total? That's more than I make in a month! 

countrygirl061513

amrhodes23 said:

KickAssMOH said:

 

$1000 and $2000, so $3000 total? That's more than I make in a month! 

Same here. Plus that would be more than half of what we spent on our whole wedding. We spent in total including my dress, and the honeymoon $5,250ish. No way in hell I would spend $3k on someone else's party and to attend their wedding.

hyechica81

i meant if moh was hosting the shower she should do whats within her budget ex i can afford to pay for x amount of food for x amount of people. then ask the maids if they would contribute something other than money ex can you help with decorations,  i think a sweets table would be nice can any of you contribute cookies, brownies etc.


my mom is doing a lot of the baking for my shower shes baking my cupcakes as the favors but since i am the one who knows how to decorate a cupcake with a piping bag i am going to do that for her then she and my sister will box all of them up

shes also making chocolate lollipops, baklava, and my cousin and aunt have offered to make some Italian cookies.

i have a cousin whose doing all the decorations stuff,  my sister is helping out with the games and paying for some of the shower and my mom is kicking in the rest.

we are also doing it at a local restaurant that has a private room with a buffet option at about 13 pp for 32 people 

abbyj700

I agree with PP's that if you didn't offer to host - you shouldn't be being billed or told what to do. My sister (bridesmaid) and mother are throwing my shower. They would never dream of invoicing my other bridesmaids.

That being said - I don't really see $600 as much for being in a wedding that requires travel and lodging. Being in my sisters wedding cost me around $4k. None of this was her fault by any means. I flew to NYC (where she lives) for her bachelorette, my mother and I hosted her shower in Pittsburgh (where we grew up) and FI and I flew to NYC again for the wedding. Three plane tickets alone was almost $2k. Not to mention hotels, dress, preparties, etc. No one should be obligated to do this and I surely wasn't.

lyndausvi

abbyj700 said:

I agree with PP's that if you didn't offer to host - you shouldn't be being billed or told what to do. My sister (bridesmaid) and mother are throwing my shower. They would never dream of invoicing my other bridesmaids.

That being said - I don't really see $600 as much for being in a wedding that requires travel and lodging. Being in my sisters wedding cost me around $4k. None of this was her fault by any means. I flew to NYC (where she lives) for her bachelorette, my mother and I hosted her shower in Pittsburgh (where we grew up) and FI and I flew to NYC again for the wedding. Three plane tickets alone was almost $2k. Not to mention hotels, dress, preparties, etc. No one should be obligated to do this and I surely wasn't.

Not really being that much is subjective.     I have also spent in the thousands for attending a wedding (will again in the fall), I have the money to do so.  My brother on the other hand needed my parent's help to attend my wedding because the just don't have the money. It's not that they are even bad with money, with 2 kids their financial priorities are different (as they should be).

sippiek

For me, $600 is a lot to spend on someone else's wedding. Four grand on someone else's wedding is absolutely insane...unless you make a ton of money, which I don't.  I'm not sure I would even spend that much for a family member's wedding -- $1,000 at the most.  It's all in your priorities and to each her own, and spending a lot on a wedding is not a priority to me. (II admitIf I were engaged, I'd possibly have a different outlook, though)

Right now, my thoughts are on adoption, which the base cost of that is $20,000.

Inkdancer

abbyj700 said:

I agree with PP's that if you didn't offer to host - you shouldn't be being billed or told what to do. My sister (bridesmaid) and mother are throwing my shower. They would never dream of invoicing my other bridesmaids.

That being said - I don't really see $600 as much for being in a wedding that requires travel and lodging. Being in my sisters wedding cost me around $4k. None of this was her fault by any means. I flew to NYC (where she lives) for her bachelorette, my mother and I hosted her shower in Pittsburgh (where we grew up) and FI and I flew to NYC again for the wedding. Three plane tickets alone was almost $2k. Not to mention hotels, dress, preparties, etc. No one should be obligated to do this and I surely wasn't.

$600 is more than I make in a week. I couldn't spend that much just to attend someone's wedding.

MuppetOverlord

In my social circles and family, people make assumptions about the responsibilities of a bridal party.  People think that someone shouldn't have accepted the bridesmaid position if they weren't willing to chip in.  This is a common mentality that has been passed down for generations. For this reason, I understand why people think this, but I strongly disagree with them and despise the related actions.

What absolutely KILLS me is when people make assumptions without communication.

There should've been a discussion about what, if anything, you are able to contribute so that they could plan a budget. If you are willing to contribute time, they should ask before assigning anything to you.

When my best friend got married, I wasn't consulted about anything.  I found out about the shower via the invitation. It was for a date I had a previous commitment for and they had "assigned" me the cake (I am an amateur cake decorator).... Well, I was already committed to the other event to do a cake and couldn't do both. I was also not consulted for the bach party and was just given a total that included a portion of a hotel room for 2 nights that I wasn't staying at. I was just really hurt about the lack of communication in general. 

KickAssMOH

Every comment in this thread (including the OP) has made me feel alot better about the shitty situation I am in, and standing up for myself. Being able to "afford" something definitely means different things to different people. For me, it's also meant something different at different points in my life. When I was in grad school and digging myself into horrible credit card debt, I was a bridesmaid five times. I would've contributed anything asked of me, and at the end of those years, I was left with the debt from being a pushover and having incorrect assumptions about the role of BM.

I might now be employed, debt-free, hoping to soon purchase the dream home I have worked my ass off to afford, but NO ONE has the right to tell me how to spend my own money or dictate what is "affordable" for me.     

LDay2014

LOL, it just shows you what society is coming to.

You know what I have asked of my bridesmaid and MOH? Show up for the wedding...stand beside me and support me as I'm making one of the most important decisions in my life.  THATS IT.

My MOH recently lost her job and was worried about things like the dress, hair etc.  so you know what? It's important to me that she not be stressed out so I bought her dress. If she pays me back, great.  If she doesn't...I don't care.  She was there for me when I needed her in my life and this is the LEAST I can do to say thank you.

I don't want any parties, I don't want any showers...I just want the people I love and the ones who have supported me to know how much I appreciate them in my life.

Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?

fourtsixand2

Well .... there are two sides to this predicament.  First of all, as you stated in your last paragraph, you AGREED to be a bridesmaid.  That being said, there are the obvious costs that are incurred when being in a bridal party.  Within reason, of course.  

Second side is that you agreed to be a bridesmaid, not an ATM.

Your statement about the role of the MOH is, to my knowledge, correct.  Perhaps the MOH is uninformed of her 'responsibility' that she is traditionally supposed to uphold in the bridal party.  She is to be the primary organizer for the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  That being said, I don't see anything wrong with the MOH reaching out and ASKING for financial help or assistance in preparing for the shower.  But it shouldn't be expected.  It should be more of a "if you are able to pitch in for this or that, feel free, but it is at your discretion."

I see nothing wrong with you sending a polite email, if necessary, and just politely telling the MOH you are honored to be a part of the wedding, you will assist in any way you can, but the finances are reaching the top of your budget.  There are other ways to help out, rather than forking over money.  For the average person, $600 is a huge dent in the wallet.