kind of a S/O on cultural differences causing angst, vent

thisismynickname2

I'll try to keep a long story short here...

I'm very much Team Anti-Shower. I've been saying for a long time I don't want a bridal shower. FMIL kept pushing to have one, and finally my own mom gave in and warned me that FMIL wasn't listening-- and that she felt FMIL was full-steam-ahead because the rest of her family would "expect" a shower.  At that point, I was willing to just give in, slap on a smile and a dress and show up, because I actually think my FMIL is wonderful and I want to make her happy.

Well, FI wasn't having any of that.  He knows my views on bridal showers. He got into a long discussion that resulted in FMIL getting very upset because he told her flat-out to stop planning.  She was upset that she'd have to tell her family that a shower wasn't happening (so my mom was right with that perception).

But here was an interesting tid-bit: my mom and I are one culture and she's another. She was like, "Why does everything have to be [Culture A] instead of [Culture B]?"  FI was like, "It's not cultural! It's thisismynickname- SHE does not want a shower."

I'm just SMH on how being a low-key bride gets a gal in trouble with families. So I picked out my dress alone. So I don't want a whole bridesmaid shopping trip. So I don't want a shower. So what? But these mothers, I tells ya!

/vent over

larrygaga

There are many moms who get way overexcited about their children's weddings. Sometimes you gotta give a little to make them happy. I'm not sure what it is about showers and stuff that makes you uncomfortable (I'm sorta thinking it's the gifts?) so maybe you can just have a little tea party or something cute. 

Let your FI know that you just want to make her happy and such.

Ask yourself and ask your FI if your convictions are so important that you might hurt his family, or if it's not so much of a big deal. I think it's pretty important to get into other cultures, especially if you marrying into another culture. 

My FI and I are two complete different ethnic groups, as well as we are both children of immigrants. We both have to have sacrifices. That's what marriage is about!

CMGragain

I am curious why you are so anti-bridal shower?  I have never heard of this before unless it violates etiquette.

Maggie0829

Some people cannot take no as an answer.  They want to do things their way regardless of what the honoree wants.  I am happy to hear that your FI stuck up for you.  Your FMIL will get over it...some day.

thisismynickname2

Interestingly @larrygaga we tried to just do a tea for the moms and bridal party, but that... didn't go over well.

@CMGragain I'm Anti-Shower because I've never, frankly, understood why there had to be a party for the sole purpose of giving gifts for a legal/religious event that already had a ceremony and reception to go along with it. It's superfluous and often needlessly expensive. 

I've heard other people on this board point out that in their circles, it's a time for the experienced women to share marriage advice and whatnot, but that's not how it goes in my circle. In my circle, it's purely to gift gifts and play games. 

If it was a backyard barbecue, I could have handled it. But most people plan these things at expensive restaurants or country clubs. It's just a waste of money to me. FMIL was going the country-club route. Not my style at all whatsoever.  

If someone wants to buy us a boxed gift wedding present they can mail it ahead of time or bring it to the wedding, I wouldn't care. Or don't buy a boxed gift, or don't give any gift, I really don't care. 

My argument has fallen on deaf ears  

jdluvr06

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I made everyone swear to me that they wouldn't throw me a shower. They reluctantly agreed but I have one cousin who will randomly bring it up. I hate getting gifts under normal circumstances so a whole party where the sole purpose would be for me to open gifts in front of others would be mortifying,

CMGragain

I did have a small shower in 1976, but showers were very different then.  The guests (relatives and my mother's friends) met at the hostess' home for cake and punch, games and gift opening.  The big thing was to ooh and ahh over the gifts. Most of the gifts were pretty lingerie at my shower.

My SIL's husband is Indian, and he tells me that in their culture it is considered rude to open a gift in front of the giver.  You are supposed to open the gift privately, and then express your thanks later.

SBmini

As someone else who had to deal with cultural differences in planning- that is down right ridiculous that she would try to plan a shower behind your back simply because she wanted you to have one.

If you have not already, I would call up your FMIL and ask her about wedding cultures and traditions in her culture. Then share with her what is traditional in your culture. I would try to add some elements of her culture into the wedding and if applicable, ask her to help make those things happen. 

Good luck. 

mysticl

I don't like bridal showers either.  Since etiquette dictates everyone invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding those invitees are now expected to give two gifts. I know everyone here says that a gift is not obligatory and the couple should not expect them.  However, it is proper guest etiquette to give a gift and honestly how many of you would actually go to a shower and/or wedding and not give a gift?  Also, I hate the games.  

I'm better with baby showers because I would be giving a gift anyhow so giving it at a specific time is fine.  But I still hate the games.  

FiancB

jdluvr06 said:

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I made everyone swear to me that they wouldn't throw me a shower. They reluctantly agreed but I have one cousin who will randomly bring it up. I hate getting gifts under normal circumstances so a whole party where the sole purpose would be for me to open gifts in front of others would be mortifying,

This is pretty much how I feel about it. The only reason I'm not completely freaking out over it is because it's a dual shower so the focus is taken off me quite a bit. Still, I don't get the point. People are going to give gifts at the wedding so why have a second party for gift giving? Baby showers make much more sense. 

I think how I would handle this depends on how you think the rest of the planning process will go. I would just let it go if this will be the end of it, but it's also possible she may do similar things relating to planning the actual wedding, in which case I'd want to put the kibosh on that.

thisismynickname2

@fiancb actually... she's tried other stuff too, but FI is very good about putting his foot down- on all kinds of things with her over his lifetime- and shields me, lol.