MOB/MOH wearing a white dress!

Kathryncech

I need advice! My mom just texted me a picture of the dress she bought for my wedding and its basically white: Solid beading in cream and white over taupe fabric. The taupe fabric that shows through makes up 5% of the dress, and 95% is a thick, cream beading. She is also my Matron of Honor, so she will be standing next to me during the ceremony. I can't help but be upset about this, am I out of line? My fiance and my sister say that I should let it go and let someone else hint that it may be inappropriate. Are they right? I feel like I should tell her that it's not her wedding, so a white dress is not appropriate.

My mom asked me what I thought of the dress and I just said that I was surprised by her choice...that I was used to seeing her in a more talored/classic look. I think she was a little hurt that I wasn't gushing over it, and she kept pushing, asking what I didn't like about it. I was on the spot, and didn't know what to do, so I said that if she liked it/felt good in it, then that was all that mattered. She still seemed upset at the end of our conversation, and now I'm not sure how to handle things. Do I tell her what I really think or let her wear what she wants?

artbyallie

Kathryncech said:

I need advice! My mom just texted me a picture of the dress she bought for my wedding and its basically white: Solid beading in cream and white over taupe fabric. The taupe fabric that shows through makes up 5% of the dress, and 95% is a thick, cream beading. She is also my Matron of Honor, so she will be standing next to me during the ceremony. I can't help but be upset about this, am I out of line? My fiance and my sister say that I should let it go and let someone else hint that it may be inappropriate. Are they right? I feel like I should tell her that it's not her wedding, so a white dress is not appropriate.

My mom asked me what I thought of the dress and I just said that I was surprised by her choice...that I was used to seeing her in a more talored/classic look. I think she was a little hurt that I wasn't gushing over it, and she kept pushing, asking what I didn't like about it. I was on the spot, and didn't know what to do, so I said that if she liked it/felt good in it, then that was all that mattered. She still seemed upset at the end of our conversation, and now I'm not sure how to handle things. Do I tell her what I really think or let her wear what she wants?

If she's in the wedding, you could have asked her to wear a certain color. If you told her she could pick her own dress, it's too late to complain now. No one will mistake her for the bride since, you know, she's not getting married.

Incidentally, my aunt had her daughter as her MOH and she (my cousin) wore a truly all-white dress. But it was short and my aunt was in an obvious wedding gown.

nlh85

Honestly, I would say it depends somewhat on your relationship with your mom.  I'm a big believer that protecting relationships is more important than having everything perfect (a speech I've had to give myself a few times).  The wedding will only last for a day, but your relationship with your mom is permanent.  And since she's your MOH, I'm guessing it's a pretty good relationship, and certainly one worth protecting.

That being said, if you feel like you can be honest with your mom, I think you should.  She clearly could sense from the conversation that something was off from your reaction.  I think it would be healthy to be honest.  Tell her that you were surprised and your feelings maybe even a little hurt that she would pick a white dress.  Try to acknowledge her side - let her know that you know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, and that it's a beautiful dress, but it makes you uncomfortable to have her up there with you in white.  You're her daughter, and she wants you to feel beautiful and celebrated on your day.  I don't know you and I don't know her, but I suspect that if you explain your feelings, she'll understand.  Be gentle though - acknowledge her side, and maybe emphasize your appreciation for her and your desire for her to be up there with her.  And if it looks like it's coming to a battle, this is one (and this is just my opinion) that I think it might be wiser to back down from.  It's just a dress, and she's your mom and your friend.

ElcaB

Have the two of you ever had a conversation about what she would wear to the wedding prior to her purchasing a dress?

Maggie0829

ElcaB said:

Have the two of you ever had a conversation about what she would wear to the wedding prior to her purchasing a dress?

This.  If you said that she could pick whatever, then you really can't say much at this point.  But if you asked her to buy a certain color then you can certainly speak up.  But in the end, what she wears will have zero effect on you and your wedding day.

Kathryncech

ElcaB:

I never told her she needed to wear the same color as the bridesmaids, and I also didn't say to wear whatever she wanted. I really didn't specify either way.

Once, we looked together online and ordered a beautiful dress from Nordstrom in a camel color, but she ended up returning it, because she didn't like the quality. Before buying the white dress, she didn't talk to me about it at all.

princessleia22

If it really bothers you, I would just be honest with her and tell her that the dress is beautiful, but you are concerned that it is too has too much white. Although, to be honest, nobody is going to mistake her for the bride or anything like that. And it sounds like it's not totally white.  I think you either need to realize that it won't take away from your attention, get over it and let her wear it. Or you need to let her know you are uncomfortable with her wearing it. It sounds like she really wanted you to like her dress and is bothered that you don't. I'm sure she would want you to be comfortable or happy with her outfit. And if she was pestering you to tell her what you don't like about it, if you aren't honest with her, you are the only one to blame if you are unhappy. 

LenaC45

My mother bought herself a basically white sheath dress (knee-length) for my wedding just yesterday. : )

You know what - the more I think about it, the more I like it: I think the MOB should be the only person allowed to wear white at your wedding (unless, of course, you asked your bridesmaids to do so). Why?

1. It's your mother! She (usually) is a very important person both for you and on your wedding day. By wearing (more or less) the same colour you get to 'display' this special relationship. Think of it as a unifier!

2. She is a senior. Sorry to put it that straightforward, but I'd rather be afraid my sexy girlfriend could steal the show (in any colour btw). ; ) A white dress is not a wedding dress! Everybody knows it's your mother - no need to worry she could distract attention away from you.

3. I first thought that other guests might be surprised (some even bewildered) if they saw another woman in white at my wedding. But if it's the MOB, everybody would assume the bride would be okay with that, because she clearly knows what her mother is going to wear.

Maybe this can cheer you up! : )

QueerFemme

I know a lot of people are in the "you shouldn't say anything" camp, but I really do think this is one of the few times you can say something.  I would just tell her that it upsets you that she is wearing a basically white, beaded dress.   She asked your opinion.  Be honest.