HELP! Getting pressure from mom to include ALL of my cousins in the wedding party...

ashley8918

So, here is the situation. FI and I have already chosen our respective wedding parties which are as follows:

Him:

Best Man: Best Friend from HS

GM1: Cousin

GM2: Cousin

GM3: HS Friend

GM4: HS Friend

GM5: HS Friend

Me:

Man of Honor: Best Friend since... forever

BM1: My sister

BM2: FI's Sister

BM3: HS Friend

BM4: HS Friend

BM5: Family friend

Ring Bearer: My son

Flower Girls: My daughter and FI's second cousin (both 4 y.o.)

My mom asked me  about my plans for the wedding party and I laid this all out for her. She expressed that it was incredibly rude of me to include FI's second cousin in the WP without even including my first cousins. Um, why? They are alll invited. I don't think this is rude at all. She is now pressuring me to include ALL of my cousins (4 girls and 2 boys ranging from ages 11-18) in the WP so as not to come off as rude. Apparently, if I don't there will definitely be hurt feelings.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong, but I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I also don't want to argue with my mom. On the other hand, I don't want that large of a wedding party, nor can I afford as much.

ashley8918

I guess my question is, what is the best way to tell my mom that I wont be doing this without causing major waves?

MyNameIsNot

Mom, we've already selected our wedding party.  The subject is closed.  Have you tried this bean dip?

ashley8918

MyNameIsNot said:

Mom, we've already selected our wedding party.  The subject is closed.  Have you tried this bean dip?

That's sort of been my strategy so far, but she is still pressuring. HARD.

MyNameIsNot

Tell her the subject is closed and that you aren't discussing it again.  If she mentions it, hang up the phone or walk out of the room.  She can't discuss it with you if you aren't there.  

Jen4948

Be firmer: "Mom, FI and I have chosen our attendants.  We're sorry you're not happy with our choices, but the subject is now and forever closed."  Then walk away, hang up, or delete the email.  And keep doing it each time she tries to bring it up.

HisGirlFriday13

Jen4948 said:

Be firmer: "Mom, FI and I have chosen our attendants.  We're sorry you're not happy with our choices, but the subject is now and forever closed."  Then walk away, hang up, or delete the email.  And keep doing it each time she tries to bring it up.

This. Be firm and escalate if necessary: 'Mom, we have chosen the wedding party, and the subject is closed. That means let.it.go. Drop it. If you don't, I will walk away/hang up the phone/stop talking to you about the wedding until you agree to honour our wishes. Do I make myself clear?'

MuppetOverlord

I would just say tell her it's not up for discussion and talk about something else.

cambryn

They above ladies gave great advice. I have some pushy a-types in my family, and it's important to just distance yourself from them when they turn petty/intimidating.

Sometimes people just don't know how to get perspective. There is absolutely no reason to even consider her claim as valid. There is no reason to include a bunch of children in your bridal party- it's your wedding, not hers, not theirs.

Stand tall- you can do this! Just take a step back and cut off contact for a bit when she presses. After a while, hopefully she'll stop. If not, communicate why you are distancing yourself from her, and hopefully she can gain some perspective.

ashley8918

Thanks ladies! I have tried changing the subject to no avail, so I think you are right in that I need to be a little more firm about it. I think I was just letting her get to me with the "you will hurt their feelings" business.

Lauderdale Pink

I get that you are happy with your bridal party as is, and you should be, it is your wedding.  But my question is: why don't you want your cousins in the bridal party?  Who cares how many people go down the aisle?  I see it as spreading the love/joy.  I know it is hard to give in, and once you do, it will be almost impossible to stand up to mom on the next issue. But, and I am not dismissing your feelings, is this really the issue you want to stand firm on?

HisGirlFriday13

ashley8918 said:

Thanks ladies! I have tried changing the subject to no avail, so I think you are right in that I need to be a little more firm about it. I think I was just letting her get to me with the "you will hurt their feelings" business.

Highly unlikely. I have never had my feelings hurt by not being asked to be in someone's wedding, and I don't know anyone else who has.

Also, given the ages of the kids, many of them are very unlikely to have any clear idea of what being in the wedding means or why it's an honour or anything else.

Lauderdale Pink said:

I get that you are happy with your bridal party as is, and you should be, it is your wedding.  But my question is: why don't you want your cousins in the bridal party?  Who cares how many people go down the aisle?  I see it as spreading the love/joy.  I know it is hard to give in, and once you do, it will be almost impossible to stand up to mom on the next issue. But, and I am not dismissing your feelings, is this really the issue you want to stand firm on?

It's not just a question of them walking down the aisle -- it's that many more people (six, according to OP) for whom the B/G must buy gifts, it's that many more people to be accommodated at the RD, it's that many more people who need flowers, etc. 

You are right in that it will be almost if not entirely impossible for OP to stand up to her mother on any other issue if she gives in on this one. 

abbyj700

Be strong. Be firm. Say no.

You're an adult. She needs to treat you like one. You've made your decision now she needs to respect it.

kitty8403

This is ridiculous.
I have 22 first cousins, plus, I think, a couple others gained through an aunt's relatively recent marriage. Shall I ask them all to join my wedding party? If so, FI better get cracking on adding groomsmen.

kitty8403

HisGirlFriday13 said:

ashley8918 said:

Thanks ladies! I have tried changing the subject to no avail, so I think you are right in that I need to be a little more firm about it. I think I was just letting her get to me with the "you will hurt their feelings" business.

Highly unlikely. I have never had my feelings hurt by not being asked to be in someone's wedding, and I don't know anyone else who has.

Also, given the ages of the kids, many of them are very unlikely to have any clear idea of what being in the wedding means or why it's an honour or anything else.

Lauderdale Pink said:

I get that you are happy with your bridal party as is, and you should be, it is your wedding.  But my question is: why don't you want your cousins in the bridal party?  Who cares how many people go down the aisle?  I see it as spreading the love/joy.  I know it is hard to give in, and once you do, it will be almost impossible to stand up to mom on the next issue. But, and I am not dismissing your feelings, is this really the issue you want to stand firm on?

It's not just a question of them walking down the aisle -- it's that many more people (six, according to OP) for whom the B/G must buy gifts, it's that many more people to be accommodated at the RD, it's that many more people who need flowers, etc. 

You are right in that it will be almost if not entirely impossible for OP to stand up to her mother on any other issue if she gives in on this one. 

---
These cousins are 11-18. Seriously? You think playing flower girl or ring bearer is still cool at those ages? It would be embarrassing for them and confusing to guests. Traditionally, these are roles for much younger children.
I could see possibly offering positions as "junior" maids/men, but for what purpose? OP and her FI have chosen people they feel are close to them for the purpose of supporting and witnessing their marriage. Honestly, that should be an adult's responsibility. 18? Sure. 16? Pushing it, but maybe. 11-12? No.

Jen4948

ashley8918 said:

Thanks ladies! I have tried changing the subject to no avail, so I think you are right in that I need to be a little more firm about it. I think I was just letting her get to me with the "you will hurt their feelings" business.

Threats of hurt feelings are lousy reasons to choose attendants.  The reason you choose anyone should be because you love them and it isn't possible for you to marry the person you love without them standing beside you-not because you share DNA.  Maybe your mother has to hear this.

weddingmcgee

I had similar problems with my sister about a different issue and she was being so insistent on a subject we didn't agree upon. It's hard when you love someone and you don't want to argue, so I get why you may be having a hard time being firm. But even if your mom's feelings are hurt initially, she will get over it. It sounds bad, but she will. My sister is my MOH and best friend and I HATE arguing and fighting with her. But I had to just be firm and tell her that I appreciate that she wants to be involved and that she cares about how the wedding goes, but that my fiance and I have made our decision and we aren't going to change our minds, so there will be no more discussion about the topic. She was pissed for like a week and then apologized for being an asshole. We're past it now. Thank God.