What say you?

carliealissa

lvgirl1000 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Ok. So they didn't include you in the catering count, right? They didn't save a seat for you at the reception? Didn't prepare for you to attend? Because when you RSVPed you told then you were only going to the ceremony? Wedding invites that have only one RSVP are understood to be for the reception, because you don't typically need an accurate head count for the ceremony. Skipping the ceremony would have been fine. Skipping the reception was not. Having a gap is rude. Being rude in retaliation is still not ok.

I disagree with this.  My guests are my guests because it's important to me for them to be present for my wedding ceremony, I would not consider it rude for guests to leave after the ceremony.  They are not my prisoners and are free to leave whenever they like.  

Yes, I suppose they may have had two extra seats & some extra food at the reception, but that's the breaks kid.  

We were certainly not rude "in retaliation."  If anything, it shows that the reason wedding schedules like this are considered rude is because they are difficult for guests.

I can understand the reasons why you didn't want to go to the reception, but to me that's cold.  At my wedding, "some extra food" if two people don't show up will be about $250 completely down the drain.  I'm trying to host my guests properly with no gap so I really hope none of them are as cavalier about their RSVP's to do that to us. (I realize I can't control whether they do or not).

lvgirl1000

blueeyes90 said:

Just for the record I was trying to defend lvgirl.

I don't think she was rude in retaliation. I think they were tired after a long ceremony and while they originally thought they were going to make it to the reception, it became too exhausting and too much of a hassle.  I don't think that is rude. 

If the bride and groom decided to play jeopardy for 2 hours before food was served and guests were hungry and tired, we would advise them to leave. How is this any different?

They planned on going to the receptions, which is a fucking thank you for the guests. If they decide not to receive their thank you because the b/g have made it difficult/exhausting/stressful, then I give them a pass. It doesn't sound like it was done out of malice or spite, so I'm on the side of "Not rude".

Thanks.  Soooo, one thing I was not sure about etiquette-wise.  Since FI decided not to go to the reception, FI gave our gift to Groom's father before we left the church.  Is this okay?  Should we maybe have given it to them at a later date?

carliealissa

To add, @lvgirl1000, you really don't care whether any or all of your guests RSVP yes and then don't show up to your reception?  I don't follow that.  Are you serving food or drinks?

STARMOON44

lvgirl1000 said:

blueeyes90 said:

Just for the record I was trying to defend lvgirl.

I don't think she was rude in retaliation. I think they were tired after a long ceremony and while they originally thought they were going to make it to the reception, it became too exhausting and too much of a hassle.  I don't think that is rude. 

If the bride and groom decided to play jeopardy for 2 hours before food was served and guests were hungry and tired, we would advise them to leave. How is this any different?

They planned on going to the receptions, which is a fucking thank you for the guests. If they decide not to receive their thank you because the b/g have made it difficult/exhausting/stressful, then I give them a pass. It doesn't sound like it was done out of malice or spite, so I'm on the side of "Not rude".

Thanks.  Soooo, one thing I was not sure about etiquette-wise.  Since FI decided not to go to the reception, FI gave our gift to Groom's father before we left the church.  Is this okay?  Should we maybe have given it to them at a later date?

Yup. Rude. You aren't supposed to bring gifts to the wedding anyway , you're supposed to ship them. You certainly don't pass then off to the groom's father to deal with between the ceremony and reception.

pinkshorts27

STARMOON44 said:

blueeyes90 said:

Just for the record I was trying to defend lvgirl.

I don't think she was rude in retaliation. I think they were tired after a long ceremony and while they originally thought they were going to make it to the reception, it became too exhausting and too much of a hassle.  I don't think that is rude. 

If the bride and groom decided to play jeopardy for 2 hours before food was served and guests were hungry and tired, we would advise them to leave. How is this any different?

They planned on going to the receptions, which is a fucking thank you for the guests. If they decide not to receive their thank you because the b/g have made it difficult/exhausting/stressful, then I give them a pass. It doesn't sound like it was done out of malice or spite, so I'm on the side of "Not rude".

Thanks.  Soooo, one thing I was not sure about etiquette-wise.  Since FI decided not to go to the reception, FI gave our gift to Groom's father before we left the church.  Is this okay?  Should we maybe have given it to them at a later date?

Yup. Rude. You aren't supposed to bring gifts to the wedding anyway , you're supposed to ship them. You certainly don't pass then off to the groom's father to deal with between the ceremony and reception.

So technically you aren't supposed to bring gifts to the wedding itself. But I had to do so once. It happens. I wouldn't have given to the groom's father since he was busy. I would have dropped it off at a later date, but I still think that is low on my list of rude things. 

ladyamanuet

@lvgirl1000 was not rude. You run the risk of people not showing up if you have a massive gap between ceremony and reception. As @HisGirlFriday13 loves to say ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  Their action? Being rude to their guests and having a huge gap between ceremony and reception. The consequence? Some guests were too tired/hungry to wait and hour and a half to be hosted properly.  It's not "retaliation". It's reacting the the circumstances.  They were tired. I suppose you'd think it rude if someone was feeling under the weather (not sick mind you, just not feeling well) and decided not to come?? Way to put your checkbook above your guests' comfort.

carliealissa

@blueeyes90, good points. I do see what you are saying and agree. I guess it's the cavalier attitude that bothers me, because I still think it's extremely rude in general to RSVP and no show. Maybe the circumstances are such that it makes sense/it's more understandable to do so, but I would still regret the whole situation. Rather than "too damn bad they wasted money on me, I do what I want" which is how it's coming across to me.

MGP

lvgirl1000 said:

blueeyes90 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Wow. So you RSVPed "yes" and then skipped the reception because you didn't like the ceremony? That's all kinds of crazy rude.

There was a gap. After 1 hour and 40 minute ceremony and a gap, I think they are okay to go home without us judging them. 

ETA: words

I don't see attending the ceremony & not the reception as being rude in ANY WAY.  FI RSVP'd for the wedding. We attended the wedding. 

So I am confused.  Were you invited to just the ceremony and not the reception and exactly what did you RSVP for?  Saying you RSVP'd for the wedding is kind of unclear.

Because if I was invited (probably B listed) via email in another language for the ceremony only at 3:00 on a Thursday there is no way in hot hell I would be attending ANY of it.  

carliealissa

ladyamanuet said:

@lvgirl1000 was not rude. You run the risk of people not showing up if you have a massive gap between ceremony and reception. As @HisGirlFriday13 loves to say ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  Their action? Being rude to their guests and having a huge gap between ceremony and reception. The consequence? Some guests were too tired/hungry to wait and hour and a half to be hosted properly.  It's not "retaliation". It's reacting the the circumstances.  They were tired. I suppose you'd think it rude if someone was feeling under the weather (not sick mind you, just not feeling well) and decided not to come?? Way to put your checkbook above your guests' comfort.

I would not think that was rude, but way to make assumptions.

lvgirl1000

carliealissa said:

want to go to the reception, but to me that's cold.  At my wedding, "some extra food" if two people don't show up will be about $250 completely down the drain.  I'm trying to host my guests properly with no gap so I really hope none of them are as cavalier about their RSVP's to do that to us. (I realize I can't control whether they do or not).

STARMOON44 said:

blueeyes90 said:

Just for the record I was trying to defend lvgirl.

I don't think she was rude in retaliation. I think they were tired after a long ceremony and while they originally thought they were going to make it to the reception, it became too exhausting and too much of a hassle.  I don't think that is rude. 

If the bride and groom decided to play jeopardy for 2 hours before food was served and guests were hungry and tired, we would advise them to leave. How is this any different?

They planned on going to the receptions, which is a fucking thank you for the guests. If they decide not to receive their thank you because the b/g have made it difficult/exhausting/stressful, then I give them a pass. It doesn't sound like it was done out of malice or spite, so I'm on the side of "Not rude".

Thanks.  Soooo, one thing I was not sure about etiquette-wise.  Since FI decided not to go to the reception, FI gave our gift to Groom's father before we left the church.  Is this okay?  Should we maybe have given it to them at a later date?

Yup. Rude. You aren't supposed to bring gifts to the wedding anyway , you're supposed to ship them. You certainly don't pass then off to the groom's father to deal with between the ceremony and reception.

Shit.  Well, I'm sorry about that then.  My bad yo.  

We didn't bring the gift into the church.  It was in the car and Grooms father was standing outside.  

About shipping gifts in a situation like this, e-mail invite didn't have an address & no registery.  Is it okay to ship to Groom's work?  Just ask for an address?  Am I asking stupid questions?

lvgirl1000

carliealissa said:

@blueeyes90, good points. I do see what you are saying and agree. I guess it's the cavalier attitude that bothers me, because I still think it's extremely rude in general to RSVP and no show. Maybe the circumstances are such that it makes sense/it's more understandable to do so, but I would still regret the whole situation. Rather than "too damn bad they wasted money on me, I do what I want" which is how it's coming across to me.

Not trying to come off as cold.  I guess I just dislike the idea that guests should be concerned about the cost of their attendance in food/drinks or whatever.  & while I don't know the Bride and Groom that well, I don't think they are of that mindset  

ladyamanuet

carliealissa said:

ladyamanuet said:

@lvgirl1000 was not rude. You run the risk of people not showing up if you have a massive gap between ceremony and reception. As @HisGirlFriday13 loves to say ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  Their action? Being rude to their guests and having a huge gap between ceremony and reception. The consequence? Some guests were too tired/hungry to wait and hour and a half to be hosted properly.  It's not "retaliation". It's reacting the the circumstances.  They were tired. I suppose you'd think it rude if someone was feeling under the weather (not sick mind you, just not feeling well) and decided not to come?? Way to put your checkbook above your guests' comfort.

I would not think that was rude, but way to make assumptions.

I was asking a question.  Being tired/hungry is similar to not feeling well - it's not projectile vomiting but it's not being 100% either.  Saying they were being "cold" in leaving is an assumption

STARMOON44

Yeah, you could bring it to work or just ask for an address. The rationale is that you don't want your gift to be a burden to take care of for anyone on their wedding day. It is a really frequently violated rule though so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

ladyamanuet

STARMOON44 said:

Yup. Rude. You aren't supposed to bring gifts to the wedding anyway , you're supposed to ship them. You certainly don't pass then off to the groom's father to deal with between the ceremony and reception.

Shit.  Well, I'm sorry about that then.  My bad yo.  

We didn't bring the gift into the church.  It was in the car and Grooms father was standing outside.  

About shipping gifts in a situation like this, e-mail invite didn't have an address & no registery.  Is it okay to ship to Groom's work?  Just ask for an address?  Am I asking stupid questions?

They got a gift from a couple they didn't host properly, and likely were a B list couple to begin with.  Bringing a gift to a reception (which MANY MANY people do, btw, because that's a rule that almost NO ONE knows) is SOOO low on the etiquette totem pole it is so not worth being snarky to her about.

ladyamanuet

STARMOON44 said:

Yeah, you could bring it to work or just ask for an address. The rationale is that you don't want your gift to be a burden to take care of for anyone on their wedding day. It is a really frequently violated rule though so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

This. Sorry about the snark comment above, @starmoon44, but that's how your original remark about the gift came off

carliealissa

lvgirl1000 said:

Shit.  Well, I'm sorry about that then.  My bad yo.  

We didn't bring the gift into the church.  It was in the car and Grooms father was standing outside.  

About shipping gifts in a situation like this, e-mail invite didn't have an address & no registery.  Is it okay to ship to Groom's work?  Just ask for an address?  Am I asking stupid questions?

Not stupid questions- I have no idea in this situation!  I guess the bride and groom reeeeeaaaally only wanted cash.. lol!

carliealissa

ladyamanuet said:

carliealissa said:

ladyamanuet said:

@lvgirl1000 was not rude. You run the risk of people not showing up if you have a massive gap between ceremony and reception. As @HisGirlFriday13 loves to say ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  Their action? Being rude to their guests and having a huge gap between ceremony and reception. The consequence? Some guests were too tired/hungry to wait and hour and a half to be hosted properly.  It's not "retaliation". It's reacting the the circumstances.  They were tired. I suppose you'd think it rude if someone was feeling under the weather (not sick mind you, just not feeling well) and decided not to come?? Way to put your checkbook above your guests' comfort.

I would not think that was rude, but way to make assumptions.

I was asking a question.  Being tired/hungry is similar to not feeling well - it's not projectile vomiting but it's not being 100% either.  Saying they were being "cold" in leaving is an assumption

I meant that I felt the writing I had bolded above my comment was cold, not that leaving in itself was cold.  Sorry for being unclear!

wrigleyville

Gaps have consequences. In my (Catholic) family. it's common to have a 10:00 or 11:00 ceremony and a 5:00 reception. Not even joking. It's been this way forever. 

So, most people end up skipping the ceremony and going to the reception. Is it rude? Hell yes. Are the B&G rude for forcing a HUGE gap? Definitely yes. In fact, most of my relatives will call each other to coordinate rides and say things like, "Oh, I'm just going to the reception. I don't want to sit around all afternoon."

You would think my relatives would have learned by now, but nope. Generation after generation, we have gaps because the church only holds weddings during certain times, and everyone thinks a lunch reception "isn't as much fun".

lvgirl1000

carliealissa said:

To add, @lvgirl1000, you really don't care whether any or all of your guests RSVP yes and then don't show up to your reception?  I don't follow that.  Are you serving food or drinks?

Certainly I care.  I just don't think it's bad form if guests don't partake of any or all of the reception.  I'm serving food & drinks. They are not required to eat & drink.

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

Yeah, you could bring it to work or just ask for an address. The rationale is that you don't want your gift to be a burden to take care of for anyone on their wedding day. It is a really frequently violated rule though so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

People bring gifts to weddings all of the time.  I don't think this rule is widely known nor do I think it's that big of a deal.

lvgirl1000

carliealissa said:

lvgirl1000 said:

Shit.  Well, I'm sorry about that then.  My bad yo.  

We didn't bring the gift into the church.  It was in the car and Grooms father was standing outside.  

About shipping gifts in a situation like this, e-mail invite didn't have an address & no registery.  Is it okay to ship to Groom's work?  Just ask for an address?  Am I asking stupid questions?

Not stupid questions- I have no idea in this situation!  I guess the bride and groom reeeeeaaaally only wanted cash.. lol!

 Maybely.  I have a difficult time giving cash in western weddings because I don't know how much is appropriate.  In Japan, cash gifts are customary, but there is a guideline for how much, depending on your relationship with the Bride and/or Groom.  Easy peasy

VulgarGirl

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

Yeah, you could bring it to work or just ask for an address. The rationale is that you don't want your gift to be a burden to take care of for anyone on their wedding day. It is a really frequently violated rule though so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

People bring gifts to weddings all of the time.  I don't think this rule is widely known nor do I think it's that big of a deal.

Everyone I know brings gifts to the wedding (well reception portion). Usually only people who are having to travel will ship, or if something is available only on-line they'll have it shipped. But yeah, any local wedding I've been to, the gifts are brought to the reception, placed on the gift table and a family member/wedding party member will collect the gifts and bring them to wear the bride and groom want them. Or the bride and groom will collect them if they are heading straight home.

STARMOON44

@MagicInk yeah it's super common, but officially rude