Vent: Groomsman quit, bigger problems ensued UPDATE in comments

IMathlete

Yesterday, one of the groomsmen was chatting with my fiance, and he clued FI in to the fact that another groomsman (they work together) had mentioned that he would not be attending the wedding. FI sent the questionable groomsman a generic text, to which the GM responded that he "had a lot on his plate and wouldn't be able to be there."

Grr. Fine, whatever. I won't go into much detail about how upset I am that he made a commitment 5 months ago that he is now unable to follow through on. Things happen. I'm more upset that FI feels disappointed and abandoned. Still, no big deal.

Except that his declining puts a huge financial strain on us. The tux rental shop offers a deal that if you rent 5 tuxes, you get the 6th rental free OR a huge credit toward the purchase of a tux. FI has very wide shoulders, and the only way a tux will really look good on him is if it is tailored, for which we'd have to purchase. FI has some credit at the store as well, so a purchase would cost us less than $100. With the GM dropping out, we lose the 5th rental, and the huge credit. Now we have to come out of pocket for his tux, a cost we definitely did not plan for. Even renting would cost more at this point.

There's not much we can do about it. I've talked to the rental shop to see if they will make any exceptions; they won't. I'm just frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent!

HisGirlFriday13

What's the cost of the rental for the tux? Would it be feasible to rent the tux for the now-not-in-the-wedding GM, and still get the credit?

If the cost to rent the fifth ghost tux is less than the huge credit, I'd rent the tux even if I didn't need it, just to get the credit. Does that make sense?

larrygaga

I wonder if you could just rent the tux anyway for nobody? Would that be cheaper with the deal?

I'm sorry, that really sucks. I almost wonder if you could still ask for him to pay because he committed and now it's hurting you financially? You could do that with a dress. If someone drops out, you shouldn't be paying for it unless it was your fault they dropped. Maybe not in this case, though.

IMathlete

@HisGirlFriday13 That was my thought as well. It would be cheaper, theoretically, to do it that way, but still more expensive than we planned. Good idea, though!

larrygaga

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

IMathlete

larrygaga said:

I wonder if you could just rent the tux anyway for nobody? Would that be cheaper with the deal?

I'm sorry, that really sucks. I almost wonder if you could still ask for him to pay because he committed and now it's hurting you financially? You could do that with a dress. If someone drops out, you shouldn't be paying for it unless it was your fault they dropped. Maybe not in this case, though.

I wouldn't feel completely comfortable asking him to spend the money, though I bet FI wouldn't feel too bad about it. I'll see if that's an option! He never placed his deposit, though, which we both assumed/were told he had.

IMathlete

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

sarahufl

That sucks, I am sorry to hear that. But PPs are right- anyone else need one? Even a guest you are particularly close to?

pinkcow13

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope that it works out, and who knows? He may have a change of heart.

HisGirlFriday13

IMathlete said:

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

If your FI's dad is renting a tux, does your father need a tux? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like your dad is going to be in a suit, but your FFIL is going to be in a tux?

wandajune6

We actually priced out the same scenario when we thought one GM wouldn't be able to attend. Men's Wearhouse offered the groom's tux free or a $500 g/c. We decided to go with the g/c because the tux was less than $200. FI and his son need new suits so this made more sense.

Check on the rules though- we were told that we can't get the g/c until after all suits have been paid for. If that's the case, you might not get the g/c in time to buy FI's. Although hopefully they're more flexible with you!

IMathlete

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

If your FI's dad is renting a tux, does your father need a tux? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like your dad is going to be in a suit, but your FFIL is going to be in a tux?

Ugh, yeah. My mom took my dad to the shop with the intent of purchasing a tux for my dad. I didn't find out until the next day that my dad bought a suit instead. FI's dad will not be happy to hear that; I am not happy to hear it. My dad is paying for the majority of the wedding, though, and regardless it's not my place to tell him what to wear. So yes, FFIL will be in a tux, my dad will be in a suit.

IMathlete

wandajune6 said:

We actually priced out the same scenario when we thought one GM wouldn't be able to attend. Men's Wearhouse offered the groom's tux free or a $500 g/c. We decided to go with the g/c because the tux was less than $200. FI and his son need new suits so this made more sense.

Check on the rules though- we were told that we can't get the g/c until after all suits have been paid for. If that's the case, you might not get the g/c in time to buy FI's. Although hopefully they're more flexible with you!

Exactly that. I think part of how we found out the GM quit was because FI sent the guys a message to follow up about paying for the rentals. Men's Wearhouse told FI it would only take a week to order/tailor his tux, so we thought we'd have time. Alas, it's turning into a comedy of errors.

Better to find out now, though, I guess.

HisGirlFriday13

IMathlete said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

If your FI's dad is renting a tux, does your father need a tux? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like your dad is going to be in a suit, but your FFIL is going to be in a tux?

Ugh, yeah. My mom took my dad to the shop with the intent of purchasing a tux for my dad. I didn't find out until the next day that my dad bought a suit instead. FI's dad will not be happy to hear that; I am not happy to hear it. My dad is paying for the majority of the wedding, though, and regardless it's not my place to tell him what to wear. So yes, FFIL will be in a tux, my dad will be in a suit.

Could you frame it to him like this, 'Dad, I know you bought a suit already, but FI and I need to rent five tuxes to get the big discount for his tux, so can we pay to rent you a tux? It'll help us out a lot.'

He might me more amenable to it if he feels like he's doing you a favour than if he feels like you're telling him what to wear.

IMathlete

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

If your FI's dad is renting a tux, does your father need a tux? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like your dad is going to be in a suit, but your FFIL is going to be in a tux?

Ugh, yeah. My mom took my dad to the shop with the intent of purchasing a tux for my dad. I didn't find out until the next day that my dad bought a suit instead. FI's dad will not be happy to hear that; I am not happy to hear it. My dad is paying for the majority of the wedding, though, and regardless it's not my place to tell him what to wear. So yes, FFIL will be in a tux, my dad will be in a suit.

Could you frame it to him like this, 'Dad, I know you bought a suit already, but FI and I need to rent five tuxes to get the big discount for his tux, so can we pay to rent you a tux? It'll help us out a lot.'

He might me more amenable to it if he feels like he's doing you a favour than if he feels like you're telling him what to wear.

I'll broach the subject to my mom; she was there with him and may be able to give me some insight to his decision before talking to him about it.

princessleia22

IMathlete said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

IMathlete said:

larrygaga said:

Does anyone's dad, grandpa or uncle need a tux? 

I am exploring that, too. My dad purchased a suit from that shop, so I tried to use that as a bartering chip. They said no. :-(

FI's dad is already renting, so he's one of the 5 (now 4). We don't have grandparents, but I have asked both of my brothers.

If your FI's dad is renting a tux, does your father need a tux? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like your dad is going to be in a suit, but your FFIL is going to be in a tux?

Ugh, yeah. My mom took my dad to the shop with the intent of purchasing a tux for my dad. I didn't find out until the next day that my dad bought a suit instead. FI's dad will not be happy to hear that; I am not happy to hear it. My dad is paying for the majority of the wedding, though, and regardless it's not my place to tell him what to wear. So yes, FFIL will be in a tux, my dad will be in a suit.

Could you frame it to him like this, 'Dad, I know you bought a suit already, but FI and I need to rent five tuxes to get the big discount for his tux, so can we pay to rent you a tux? It'll help us out a lot.'

He might me more amenable to it if he feels like he's doing you a favour than if he feels like you're telling him what to wear.

I'll broach the subject to my mom; she was there with him and may be able to give me some insight to his decision before talking to him about it.

Is it too late for dad to return the suit he bought?  If he knows you are in a pinch and have to rent another tux, he may be more willing to help you out.  Even if you end up paying for it, it may still be nice to have him in a tux, like all the other guys.

pinkshorts27

I think I'm against trying to get your dad in a tux. I feel like this is pushing the line on telling grown men how to dress. I think if he wanted to rent a tux, he would have done so. He knew all the other men were going to be in tuxes and he still opted to buy a suite. I feel like that means something. 

Clearly you can do what you want, but if it was my family I wouldn't bring it up with him. Basically it shouldn't matter what dad wears and the only reason you are trying to get him to return a suit he bought and can re-wear, is to save you money. IMHO that seems a little selfish. 

ETA: also this is the GM fault, not your dads 

HisGirlFriday13

blueeyes90 said:

I think I'm against trying to get your dad in a tux. I feel like this is pushing the line on telling grown men how to dress. I think if he wanted to rent a tux, he would have done so. He knew all the other men were going to be in tuxes and he still opted to buy a suite. I feel like that means something. 

Clearly you can do what you want, but if it was my family I wouldn't bring it up with him. Basically it shouldn't matter what dad wears and the only reason you are trying to get him to return a suit he bought and can re-wear, is to save you money. IMHO that seems a little selfish. 

ETA: also this is the GM fault, not your dads 

Just to be clear, I don't advocate having him return the suit. I advocate renting him the tux, having OP and her FI pay for that rental, and THEN asking Dad if he'll wear it to help them out. 

pinkshorts27

HisGirlFriday13 said:

blueeyes90 said:

I think I'm against trying to get your dad in a tux. I feel like this is pushing the line on telling grown men how to dress. I think if he wanted to rent a tux, he would have done so. He knew all the other men were going to be in tuxes and he still opted to buy a suite. I feel like that means something. 

Clearly you can do what you want, but if it was my family I wouldn't bring it up with him. Basically it shouldn't matter what dad wears and the only reason you are trying to get him to return a suit he bought and can re-wear, is to save you money. IMHO that seems a little selfish. 

ETA: also this is the GM fault, not your dads 

Just to be clear, I don't advocate having him return the suit. I advocate renting him the tux, having OP and her FI pay for that rental, and THEN asking Dad if he'll wear it to help them out. 

I was more saying that in response to other people who asked if it was too late for him to return the suit. I like your response. That is probably the way I would go. 

lyndausvi

blueeyes90 said:

I think I'm against trying to get your dad in a tux. I feel like this is pushing the line on telling grown men how to dress. I think if he wanted to rent a tux, he would have done so. He knew all the other men were going to be in tuxes and he still opted to buy a suite. I feel like that means something. 

Clearly you can do what you want, but if it was my family I wouldn't bring it up with him. Basically it shouldn't matter what dad wears and the only reason you are trying to get him to return a suit he bought and can re-wear, is to save you money. IMHO that seems a little selfish. 

ETA: also this is the GM fault, not your dads 

Thank you.  I was about to post something similar.

I also don't like the idea of shopping around for someone to pay for something so you can get a discount.     Maybe that's why I never seem to refer people to Direct TV in order to get $10 off a month?

Anyway, I get it sucks that the GM dropped out, but I would just suck it up and pay for the whatever.

IMathlete

UPDATE:

So, I was wrong. My My dad did in fact BUY a tux, but there was some miscommunication. They have a deal that if you buy one tux, you get a second tux or suit for $100. His second purchase was a suit. I would NOT have insisted that he wear a tux, but I am relieved that he has chosen to.

I did ask him (because he indicated that he did not need nor want the second suit) if he could return the unnecessary suit and let me buy FI's tux for $100. He was very happy with the plan, and didn't want the money, so we are all settled. Best outcome possible. Dad is happy, FI is happy, and I am happy.

phira

IMathlete said:

UPDATE:

So, I was wrong. My My dad did in fact BUY a tux, but there was some miscommunication. They have a deal that if you buy one tux, you get a second tux or suit for $100. His second purchase was a suit. I would NOT have insisted that he wear a tux, but I am relieved that he has chosen to.

I did ask him (because he indicated that he did not need nor want the second suit) if he could return the unnecessary suit and let me buy FI's tux for $100. He was very happy with the plan, and didn't want the money, so we are all settled. Best outcome possible. Dad is happy, FI is happy, and I am happy.

That's great! Very nice of your dad. I'm glad this worked out.

I'm really not sure why the groomsman waited so long to let you know he wasn't coming to the wedding. As someone who's dropped out of a wedding party (I couldn't afford to attend the wedding, and didn't realize it until about 3 months in advance), I know how important it is to be straight-forward about it and let the couple know ASAP.

IMathlete

Yeah, we would have appreciated some advance notice. I don't fault him for dropping out; I am sure he has his reasons, but the guys put the deposit down on tuxes in January, so we feel like he had to have known then that he was wavering.

We received his RSVP card yesterday with the decline and a short note, just saying that he had too much going on. I feel pretty sure that had FI not texted him yesterday, that's the only notice we would have received. Disappointing.