change in plans

radiatein

We have planned our wedding 3 times now, and it is a month away. I was already married once and didn't want anything big this time around. My dream wedding was a secluded spot on our local coast, the best man, the MOH, us and the officiant. My FI on the other hand wanted everything from a sit down served meal to dancing. I love him dearly and I have built his dream wedding.
We bought the rings, and 3 days later his sister announced her engagement. We put our plans on hold to announce out of respect for her time to shine. After she was married we waited a couple of months and officially got engaged. Within a month my future family tore apart our decision so desperately that we were forced to post pone our wedding. (keep in mind we have already paid deposits on everything but flowers). Their attempts were texts, hateful emails, even an attempt by the father in law at talking with his lawyer to have me removed from the home my FI and I purchased together. After the in laws saw our "relationship was on the rocks" they quieted down (they thought we were breaking up, we weren't). About 2 months later we set a new date. That started a new avalanche of hate mail but we stood strong.
It has been non stop like this since they found out their son was moving on with his life. Everything from criticizing the table decor, our menu, the BM dresses ect ect... the RSVP's are due in two days and I just got his families yesterday... 11 months of hell.
So long story even shorter they hate me.
They have basically sucked every last moment of joy out of our union and we are ready to elope just to have that 10 minutes to ourselves where we can actually feel the love between us without the paparazzi of pain hounding us and then forever associate our wedding day with their disdain and hate.
I have read the msg board about the PPD and how it is just wrong to do if you are already married... but what if the only way to have your ceremony with love is to do it without the monsters in your life and then pretend later with them when they can no longer hurt you?
Please understand that we don't want to cancel spending time with those that we love and long to see because of a few bad apples but how else can we at least keep hold of our moment when anytime the in laws are invited they crush it. (everyone in my family has advised us to elope now, and then do the "wedding" in may for the in law's)
If we elope now, are we still greedy jerks because we have the PPD in a month that we already paid for? 

grumbledore

radiatein said:

We have planned our wedding 3 times now, and it is a month away. I was already married once and didn't want anything big this time around. My dream wedding was a secluded spot on our local coast, the best man, the MOH, us and the officiant. My FI on the other hand wanted everything from a sit down served meal to dancing. I love him dearly and I have built his dream wedding.
We bought the rings, and 3 days later his sister announced her engagement. We put our plans on hold to announce out of respect for her time to shine. After she was married we waited a couple of months and officially got engaged. Within a month my future family tore apart our decision so desperately that we were forced to post pone our wedding. (keep in mind we have already paid deposits on everything but flowers). Their attempts were texts, hateful emails, even an attempt by the father in law at talking with his lawyer to have me removed from the home my FI and I purchased together. After the in laws saw our "relationship was on the rocks" they quieted down (they thought we were breaking up, we weren't). About 2 months later we set a new date. That started a new avalanche of hate mail but we stood strong.
It has been non stop like this since they found out their son was moving on with his life. Everything from criticizing the table decor, our menu, the BM dresses ect ect... the RSVP's are due in two days and I just got his families yesterday... 11 months of hell.
So long story even shorter they hate me.
They have basically sucked every last moment of joy out of our union and we are ready to elope just to have that 10 minutes to ourselves where we can actually feel the love between us without the paparazzi of pain hounding us and then forever associate our wedding day with their disdain and hate.
I have read the msg board about the PPD and how it is just wrong to do if you are already married... but what if the only way to have your ceremony with love is to do it without the monsters in your life and then pretend later with them when they can no longer hurt you?
Please understand that we don't want to cancel spending time with those that we love and long to see because of a few bad apples but how else can we at least keep hold of our moment when anytime the in laws are invited they crush it. (everyone in my family has advised us to elope now, and then do the "wedding" in may for the in law's)
If we elope now, are we still greedy jerks because we have the PPD in a month that we already paid for?

Why on earth would you invite these hateful people to your wedding?  Is your FI standing up for you in this?

Forget the PPD, why even have them there in the first place?

manateehugger

radiatein said:

We have planned our wedding 3 times now, and it is a month away. I was already married once and didn't want anything big this time around. My dream wedding was a secluded spot on our local coast, the best man, the MOH, us and the officiant. My FI on the other hand wanted everything from a sit down served meal to dancing. I love him dearly and I have built his dream wedding.
We bought the rings, and 3 days later his sister announced her engagement. We put our plans on hold to announce out of respect for her time to shine. After she was married we waited a couple of months and officially got engaged. Within a month my future family tore apart our decision so desperately that we were forced to post pone our wedding. (keep in mind we have already paid deposits on everything but flowers). Their attempts were texts, hateful emails, even an attempt by the father in law at talking with his lawyer to have me removed from the home my FI and I purchased together. After the in laws saw our "relationship was on the rocks" they quieted down (they thought we were breaking up, we weren't). About 2 months later we set a new date. That started a new avalanche of hate mail but we stood strong.
It has been non stop like this since they found out their son was moving on with his life. Everything from criticizing the table decor, our menu, the BM dresses ect ect... the RSVP's are due in two days and I just got his families yesterday... 11 months of hell.
So long story even shorter they hate me.
They have basically sucked every last moment of joy out of our union and we are ready to elope just to have that 10 minutes to ourselves where we can actually feel the love between us without the paparazzi of pain hounding us and then forever associate our wedding day with their disdain and hate.
I have read the msg board about the PPD and how it is just wrong to do if you are already married... but what if the only way to have your ceremony with love is to do it without the monsters in your life and then pretend later with them when they can no longer hurt you?
Please understand that we don't want to cancel spending time with those that we love and long to see because of a few bad apples but how else can we at least keep hold of our moment when anytime the in laws are invited they crush it. (everyone in my family has advised us to elope now, and then do the "wedding" in may for the in law's)
If we elope now, are we still greedy jerks because we have the PPD in a month that we already paid for?

First of all, I know it's too late, but I think there was ZERO reason to delay your engagement because his sister. No one gets a monopoly on "shining time."

Second of all, where the hell is your FI in all of this? Why isn't he standing up to his family - or even cutting off contact after all this? 

Third, a PPD WILL NOT solve your problems. Your problem is that you have a FI who will not stand up for your and your relationship. They will still be hateful to you, and even worse, imagine the horrific fallout when it (inevitably) comes out that you were already married. His family would have a hay day trashing you. The PPD is not the answer here - you've got bigger problems at stake. 

Have a conversation with your FI NOW about how you feel like his family is removing your desire to have the wedding you have planned, how they have made you miserable, unwelcome, depressed, hopeless. What does he say when you say these things to him? Have you met with a counselor together?

radiatein

Yes he is. But they choose not to listen. It was never about me. I thought it was at one point but really isn't. In fact I am the kind of person that my ex husband said he would marry me and my FI. If we un-invite them then we are the bad guys.

CMGragain

You may certainly elope if you wish.  You should send out wedding announcements after the ceremony to all people invited to the wedding.

Brides Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date of ceremony
City, State

You should NOT have a PPD!  You can have a party to celebrate your marriage.  No wedding dress, no wedding party, no "first dance", no cake cutting ceremony, no bouquet tossing.  Everything else - food, drink, venue, speeches, toasts, dancing - can remain the same.  Send out notes to your invited guests that the previously announced wedding on (date) will be a party to celebrate your marriage, instead.
If you expect to avoid drama, you won't.  If anything, this will mean more drama within the family.  It is completely up to the two of you.  It is your decision.
Lots of ladies have difficult weddings due to family issues.  Mine was hell.  It didn't matter, because my expectations were low to begin with.  I knew that our mothers hated each other, and that my FMIL was a fruitcake.  End result - we moved 1100 miles away from them, and we have been happily married for 37 years  Good luck to you.  It is your wedding.  Do what you want, but do not follow your real wedding with a phoney PPD!.

manateehugger

radiatein said:

Yes he is. But they choose not to listen. It was never about me. I thought it was at one point but really isn't. In fact I am the kind of person that my ex husband said he would marry me and my FI. If we un-invite them then we are the bad guys.

Then he needs to either try harder or to cut off contact with them if it doesn't stop. You are not a bad person for refusing to be emotionally abused by someone else.

What does he say to them? What does he say to you when you say they are making you miserable? 

Honestly, I would have him give them an ultimatum - either the emails/texts/phone calls with any commentary stop NOW, or their invitations will have to be revoked. You will not be the bad guy, you will be the guy refusing to be walked all over. 

ETA: Your other option is to elope now, send out announcements, and just have a big party on your original date, but I don't think that will solve the problem of him having no boundaries with his parents. 

Jen4948

radiatein said:

Yes he is. But they choose not to listen. It was never about me. I thought it was at one point but really isn't. In fact I am the kind of person that my ex husband said he would marry me and my FI. If we un-invite them then we are the bad guys.

I think you need 2 things:
1) Couples counseling and
2) Setting boundaries with your FILs.

Your FI needs to do both with you.

If you haven't already sent invitations to your FILs, then don't do so.  That doesn't make you "the bad guys."  They earned that distinction with their bad behavior to you.

And remember, all their shit won't go away after the wedding.  You and your FI will have to deal with it throughout your lives.  Don't deprive yourself of the wedding or the marriage you really want because they're being so nasty to you.  But do make very clear that there will be negative consequences to them for their bad behavior, and then enforce those consequences.  Walk away, hang up the phone, delete the email if they start dissing or attacking you.  Exclude them as much as possible from your future lives if you have to.

radiatein

it isn't that we want to have a PPD we just already have the whole wedding ready to go its just lost its luster due to the negativity. I have sat there with him while he tells them he is done with their hurtful ways. They just don't care. I didn't know people were really like this until I met his family.

manateehugger

radiatein said:

it isn't that we want to have a PPD we just already have the whole wedding ready to go its just lost its luster due to the negativity. I have sat there with him while he tells them he is done with their hurtful ways. They just don't care. I didn't know people were really like this until I met his family.

Then honestly, I think it would be time to just not invite them. If he tells them he's done, he needs to follow through. Is he prepared to do that? 

I would also strongly recommend you guys get yourself to a counselor who can help you, better than us, learn how to deal with these people?

lyndausvi

At this point you are a month out. I would either just cancel everything and elope or just stay on course. Getting married now and having the PPD isn't going to help anything. If anything continuing with the currents plans allows those who do support you to see a real wedding and lets the in-laws know you can not be broken.

KatWAG

I also dont see how eloping and having a PPD would fix anything. And why are you sharing all your wedding details with such horrible people? You are just giving them a reason to voice their opinions.

Are FILs paying for the wedding? Adn what is their reason for hating you?

CMGragain

Agree!  You need counseling!
My DH and I understood each other because we BOTH has crazy, hurtful families.  I helped protect him from his crazy, controlling mother, and he helped me with my destructive narcissistic mother.  We are well matched.
If you have never been around people like this, you need counseling to understand your FI and his family dynamics.  It will help you to have realistic expectations in the future.  My biggest hurt was when my mother behaved hurtfully to my children.  I should have expected it, but I was surprised.  Do go for counseling, regardless of what you decide to do about the wedding.
My personal opinion:  If you elope, you are letting them win.

radiatein

We have done both, we aren't having issues between the two of us.
The In Laws have "respected" the boundaries but then find new ways to antagonize us.

radiatein

that is a good point

Jen4948

radiatein said:

We have done both, we aren't having issues between the two of us.
The In Laws have "respected" the boundaries but then find new ways to antagonize us.

Then you just have to keep setting and maintaining your boundaries.  Some ILs are like that.  No matter what, they will not stop testing you.

radiatein

They aren't paying for the wedding, and they say that they don't hate me. They just treat us both like we are scum.
they said we weren't including them, so we shared wedding stuff with them and then they tore it apart. We say "this is hurtful." they say "grow thicker skin" FI "that is rude, you need to stop hurting us. We don't need to grow thicker skin, you need to be nicer." them "you are a horrible son, you never come around" me "maybe if you weren't so mean he would." them "this doesn't involve you." just around and around and around.

radiatein

thank you so much for all the advice.

HisGirlFriday13

radiatein said:

it isn't that we want to have a PPD we just already have the whole wedding ready to go its just lost its luster due to the negativity. I have sat there with him while he tells them he is done with their hurtful ways. They just don't care. I didn't know people were really like this until I met his family.

Then he needs to cut contact with them. Full-stop, no discussion, just DONE. If they don't care, then he has to not care. 

I ditto PPs -- why are you inviting these people at all?

I would either cancel what plans you have now and re-schedule without these people or just uninvite them (yes, I know it's a relationship-ending move, but I don't see how that's a loss to you). 

I also second the idea of finding a counsellor, STAT.

radiatein

the counselor thinks we should elope.

emmyg65

Sounds like you need to either cut contact with these people or very seriously limiting them.

FWIW, it's useless to tell them they need to be nicer. You can't control other people's behavior; you can only control your reaction. That means that if they start being cruel, you hang up the phone or leave the room. End of conversation. Your FI should be handling this.

Also, you are not the bad one for cutting them off. They are being ridiculous and you don't need to put up with that shit. Seriously.

Couggal12

STIB not sure why. But, what in the hell? Your FFIL went as far as to try to get you REMOVED from your own home you purchased with your FI and he still wants to keep in contact with them? If they treat you both like you are scum then cut off all contact and elope. Do not allow them to even have a part in your wedding.

hyechica81

can you still have the wedding as planed but if they show up have them removed or can you tell them its both yours and fi day and if think of sabotaging it for any reasons you will be removed from the property

KatWAG

@radiatein what is the DD? You were quoted so it really doesnt do any good.

radiatein

DD? what does that mean? I don't know how to remove my post. I got all the answers that i need. 1. it doesn't matter that they have ruined the date for us, if we elope we would need to tell everyone. 2. all the other advice is great but like I said we already are going to counseling, but we can't stop others behavior. All we can do is est. boundaries and keep them. How do I delete my post?

KatWAG

DD= dirt delete. And you cant delete your post, sorry.

Jen4948

radiatein said:

DD? what does that mean? I don't know how to remove my post. I got all the answers that i need. 1. it doesn't matter that they have ruined the date for us, if we elope we would need to tell everyone. 2. all the other advice is great but like I said we already are going to counseling, but we can't stop others behavior. All we can do is est. boundaries and keep them. How do I delete my post?

You don't delete your post.  It's considered very poor form here to delete the text of your original post.  If you want to add an update, you do it by posting a reply at the end of the thread.

radiatein

Dirt Delete? Sorry I am new to the who msg board thing. I don't mean to be rude. Thank you all again.

radiatein

Ok I fixed it.

Couggal12

It's rude to delete your post. People take the time to write a thoughtful response to you and by deleting it's like you're dismissing our advice.

 

ETA: posted this after you fixed it.

jules3964

So, I assume the problem is that your FI still wants to invite his family, or can't/won't tell them they are no longer invited because of their hurtful comments.

There's no way I would want them at my wedding if they're acting this way, even if that wedding was a PPD. And there's no way my FI would want his family there either if they were acting this way. In my opinion your FI is not sticking up for you or your relationship. What will things be like in the future (holidays with his family, etc.)? 

Why does your FI still want them to attend the wedding?

radiatein

It's rude to delete your post. People take the time to write a thoughtful response to you and by deleting it's like you're dismissing our advice.

----I don't know what i am doing on here. It is my first time.