Don't you think I know it sucks? (vent)

pinkshorts27

Sorry, just getting very frustrated and instead of exploding in real life, I'm venting here. For those of you that don't know (since I haven't been around super long), I'm at graduate school and FI is at professional school, in different states. We have been dating since HS. And I just got a job offer further away. Initially I was hesitant and even ranted about how frustrated I was about the job, but I dug deeper and it turns out that this is an amazing opportunity for me. It just wasn't what I thought I was looking for, but I had to move outside of that box. So I accepted the job offer. 

So in the next few months I will finish my graduate degree and move to a different state where I only know a few people. I'm nervous about the job. I'm nervous about making friends. I'm nervous about finding an apartment. In December, I will be married to my amazing FI, who I wouldn't give up for the world. Then we separate again. I just can't be jobless in his city just to be with him. He has two more years of school, so we have two more years of long distance. And let me tell you that long distance sucks. But I negotiated for some 4 day weeks so I can go see him every 3-4 weeks! Just longer hours during those 4 days.

But everyone that asks about FI has to ask the same few questions: oh, where is your fi? Why are you long distance? When will you live together again? Oh so you are getting married and living apart? That's stupid/I could never do that. Why would you do that? 

I usually just say something like "yeah, it has been tough, but it is worth it" and then bean dip. But seriously? Do you think you are helping? I know it is tough. I don't need advice. I don't need you to point out how much my life sucks right now. I know my life doesn't suck that much.   Sorry, I'm just frustrated. I miss FI and he really is one of the few people I feel comfortable with, so this has been really hard on me. I try to be social, I'm just the typical awkward engineer and super busy! I'm overwhelmed with so many changes coming up. I'm tired and I'm scared and I'm missing FI, who is currently studying for a test. 

Rebl90

Honestly, yeah, that sounds hard, I don't know if I would be able to deal with that, BUT you sound like two extremely intelligent people who are making educated decisions to better your future and that is so amazing! I'm sorry that other people are bringing you down when they should be building you up for all of the fantastic opportunity ahead of you. I hope you find the right response to shut down all the naysayers because it is truly none of their business!

lc07

That sounds really hard. I know, at least for myself, that when I think about EVERYTHING it gets super overwhelming. You and your FI have chosen this path. You know that it's what's best. 

Have faith in yourself that you can do this. You are strong. 

You might not make a ton of friends right away. That's okay. Don't force it. I just joined a new yoga studio that I love after looking around for the right one for a long time and am starting to make "friends" there and it feels really natural. Though none of it has spanned outside of yoga yet, I know I could do it if I wanted it to.

You will always have your support team even if they are far away. I live in CA, my sister who is my best friend lives in Florida, my other BFFs are in New Jersey, Connecticut and New York. I have one very close friend here which I am grateful for. 

Maybe use this time to be independent and do things on your own that you might not have the time to do when you and your FI live together. Sleep like a starfish in your bed. Eat your favorite foods, volunteer or join a club or organization that you might not try otherwise. Revel in all of the "you" time that you get.

Know that it is temporary. But don't wish your days away. Because this moment right now is your life. You can do this and thrive! And you can always come bitch to us.

lc07

Oh and DUH congrats on the awesome job offer!!! That's amazing!

JCbride2015

I was there with you, although fortunately only for one year.  Fi and I have also been together since high school.  After college, I worked for two years, then went to law school.  The school that made the most sense was in VA, but Fi was established in his job in NJ.  So I lived in VA with a roommate and he stayed up here.

We weren't engaged at the time, and it got frustrating for me when people would sort of roll their eyes or make comments about how "Law school already destroys relationships, oh just try being long distance and you'll see how long that lasts."  Then I would say, "We've been together for 9 years," and they would be like... "Oh."

I got frustrated because people weren't taking our relationship seriously without the status of being engaged or married.  Even though I know what other people think doesn't matter.

It really sucks, and you know it sucks, and people don't need to remind you.  I felt the same way!  But it sounds like you and your Fi are making smart, mature decisions that will pay off in the long term.  Hang in there.

pinkshorts27

Thanks ladies. I just get frustrated. It is hard, but luckily my closest friend (who actually also lives in a different state) and my family have been supportive. I also have some friends where I am that are also supportive.  But I'm sure as you know, it isn't the same as having FI here. 

Most of the time I handle it pretty well. I just have these moments when I'm overwhelmed, especially with so much coming up that is changing. 

pinkshorts27

lc07 said:

That sounds really hard. I know, at least for myself, that when I think about EVERYTHING it gets super overwhelming. You and your FI have chosen this path. You know that it's what's best. 

Have faith in yourself that you can do this. You are strong. 

You might not make a ton of friends right away. That's okay. Don't force it. I just joined a new yoga studio that I love after looking around for the right one for a long time and am starting to make "friends" there and it feels really natural. Though none of it has spanned outside of yoga yet, I know I could do it if I wanted it to.

You will always have your support team even if they are far away. I live in CA, my sister who is my best friend lives in Florida, my other BFFs are in New Jersey, Connecticut and New York. I have one very close friend here which I am grateful for. 

Maybe use this time to be independent and do things on your own that you might not have the time to do when you and your FI live together. Sleep like a starfish in your bed. Eat your favorite foods, volunteer or join a club or organization that you might not try otherwise. Revel in all of the "you" time that you get.

Know that it is temporary. But don't wish your days away. Because this moment right now is your life. You can do this and thrive! And you can always come bitch to us.

I'm pretty good about doing my own thing and I've loved being where I'm at. I've had so many good opportunities and met so many great people! I've already found two indoor soccer places and am signing up for some teams. I'm also hoping to do classes at 24 hour fitness there since I have a membership (got grandfathered in for 70 bucks a year a long time ago). So I've already got plans to do my own thing. Super excited for the soccer teams!

larrygaga

Are you me? Because our stories are practically the same. People can be so mean.

Also, when people are like, yeah I used to live across the city from my boyfriend! I know exactly how that feels!

No, no you don't. I see my FI about every two months. Thanks for trying to compare that, though. 

I'm proud of you for putting your career and education first. Not many people do that. Including me! I'm moving soon to be jobless in his city. We have been long distance by about a 7 hour drive for 6-7 years now. We can't stand it anymore.

It never, ever gets any easier. It sucks. A lot. All you can do is work really hard to be a demand in the job market, then you can move to him and be happy! You just need those qualifications. 

On the bright side, there is nothing hotter than not seeing him for a long, long time and then finally getting to do it.

At least our loves aren't deployed. I couldn't handle that, at all. That takes another type of strength. 

pinkshorts27

Are you me? Because our stories are practically the same. People can be so mean.

Also, when people are like, yeah I used to live across the city from my boyfriend! I know exactly how that feels!

No, no you don't. I see my FI about every two months. Thanks for trying to compare that, though. 

I'm proud of you for putting your career and education first. Not many people do that. Including me! I'm moving soon to be jobless in his city. We have been long distance by about a 7 hour drive for 6-7 years now. We can't stand it anymore.

It never, ever gets any easier. It sucks. A lot. All you can do is work really hard to be a demand in the job market, then you can move to him and be happy! You just need those qualifications. 

On the bright side, there is nothing hotter than not seeing him for a long, long time and then finally getting to do it.

At least our loves aren't deployed. I couldn't handle that, at all. That takes another type of strength. 

Yeah, I can tell you that I don't have the strength to be a military wife. At least not right now. I adore FI, but in Engineering (especially circuit design) there is a sort of "use it or lose it". If I don't have a job keeping my knowledge up and skills sharp, my degree becomes less important. I will not sacrifice my career at this point in my life, when he is taking out loans and not earning money. But I do have an urge to. I would love to be there with him. And because I needed it, I scheduled a flight out to see him next weekend. I decided that everything else can wait, be rearranged. I needed some alone time with my man.

pinkshorts27

@kimches

My parents actually did long distance in their first year of marriage too. They got married in Idaho, were together for two months and then were apart for a year. I just keep reminding myself that it is easier now with texting, phones, and skype. 

I will have to check it out! I am moving to Scottsdale.

larrygaga

I think long distance either breaks a relationship or makes it way strong. If your relationship withstands it, you make it out with better appreciation for each other and a will to make it work. FI and I rarely fight because frankly, we don't have the time for it. It helped us to learn to talk things through and have lots and lots of patience. When we see other couples fighting over minor things around the house, we see it as a waste of time. 

Fran1985

The thing is most people could not handle it. Its rude and insensitive to pile on with the oh that sucks, but I think you should try to take it in your mind as "most relationships could not handle this. We must have something very special to be able to"

pinkshorts27

I think long distance either breaks a relationship or makes it way strong. If your relationship withstands it, you make it out with better appreciation for each other and a will to make it work. FI and I rarely fight because frankly, we don't have the time for it. It helped us to learn to talk things through and have lots and lots of patience. When we see other couples fighting over minor things around the house, we see it as a waste of time. 

Yea, when I'm around him I am much more appreciative of him.  We rarely take our time together for granted anymore. 

pinkshorts27

Fran1985 said:

The thing is most people could not handle it. Its rude and insensitive to pile on with the oh that sucks, but I think you should try to take it in your mind as "most relationships could not handle this. We must have something very special to be able to"

It is hard, but totally worth it. He is the guy for me, so why would I abandon that for an easier path? I know most people couldn't handle it, hell I can barely handle it. I just wish people would be a little more tactful. But I'm just being sensitive today. Been one of those weeks.

natswild

@blueeyes, I definitely feel your pain.  My FI and I both work in the oil patch in Alberta, but with different companies, so very often, we don't get to see each other much.  As an example, last year, from June to October, we saw each other for a total of a week, four of which were taking him to the airport for his flight to Africa, and picking him up afterwards.

 Right now, he's in the Grand Canyon with his mother and daughter; I'd planned to go as well, but decided that school was more important, and couldn't justify the 3 weeks off.  I miss him so, bad it hurts, particularly because of not being able to communicate.

As PPs have said, we pretty much never fight, we haven't got the time, or need, to fight, we totally appreciate each other, and don't take the other for granted.

Enjoy your time with FI next week, and the time will go by faster than you think, especially if you think of it as each day, rather than a big chunk of time.  (Jeez, now I need to do that myself, only got one more week before I see FI)

KatWAG

I bet @jells2dot0 would be your friend! She is in AZ.

princessleia22

blueeyes90 said:

@kimches

My parents actually did long distance in their first year of marriage too. They got married in Idaho, were together for two months and then were apart for a year. I just keep reminding myself that it is easier now with texting, phones, and skype. 

I will have to check it out! I am moving to Scottsdale.

I live in Tempe, AZ, so when you get here, feel free to message me if you need any advice or need someone to go have coffee with or something. I moved out here 10 years ago and didn't know anyone, and I'm not generally an outgoing person, so I can relate. Luckily, I was in college so that made it a bit easier to meet people.

Check out meetup.com for activities in AZ, especially since you seem to be active.  There are some great groups out here.  Also, if you are into physical activities, definitely look into hiking or rock climbing, because there are some awesome places for that. There are groups that meet pretty regularly to hike Camelback Mountain, Piestawa Peak, and South Mountain.  Also, biking is very popular out here and there are also a lot of biking groups that get together every weekend. Although, for all the outdoors activities, unfortunately summer isn't the best time for it, unless you get up REALLY early.

But, Phoenix area is so diverse that you should be able to find people that share whatever interests or activities you are into. And it's a big enough city that we really do have nearly everything here.

flyingfoxes

You can do it!  FI and I survived a 10-month deployment, where we only got to be together for 2 weeks on his R&R in December (when we got engaged).  It's tough, but it's completely do-able, as you already know.  Don't let the haters get you down. 

AuroraRose41

My BF and I are also EE's, and I got a job offer on the opposite side of the country from where he worked (literally, he was in Vermont, I was moving to California). He tried to apply to jobs out here before my move, but nothing panned out. I got on that plane not knowing when I would see him next, and had people ask me if we were going to break up because of it. It was really difficult, so I understand.

Fortunately a few months later, a job offer came through for him (and it happened to be at my company, but different departments).  It was much better then his job in Vermont and he moved in with me.

Also, the professor who I TA'ed for in college lived apart from his wife, and they lived in seperate countries (!!!). He lived in NY near the college, and she lived near Montreal, so it was a few hours drive each way. They had been living apart for their entire marriage of 30+ years, had adult children by the point I was a TA, and would sometimes visit on the weekends once or twice a month.

Just wanted to share some anecdotes to give you hope for the future, and not let anyone discourage you. Also, Congrats on the new job! And yay for another electrical engineer on TK!

thesummersky

I'm sorry to hear people treating you like that. I think that your relationship and marriage will have such a strong foundation because of this. You both seem like driven, practical people, so I'm sure you will do better in the end because of this.

I also really admire you for pursuing your career right now; part of me wishes I could be that strong and patient. I'm taking a bit of a leap into the unknown by moving from the bay area (where I know there are many jobs in my field, that even provide food and housing) to live in an apartment with my FI in Tempe this September. I have experience and coursework in hospitality, parks management and student affairs, so I should be able to find a job relatively quickly - but this is the first time I'll really be relying on FI until I can find a job. I could choose to stay here, but we both agree that we need to be together. Every couple has to make those decisions for themselves, and it's hard to even know which path will be easier until you take it.

I also agree that being a military wife takes a special kind of strength of patience.