.......But you're already married......(?)

Ndelible

MagicInk said:

CC0805 said:

I think what @Ndelible is trying to get across is that having a second wedding, and lets please not argue semantics, is a choice.  Whether the B&G are choosing to have a vow renewal with a reception, just a reception, or all the bells and whistles of a traditional wedding, it is just that, their choice. 

As long as the couple isn't lying to their guests, there is no reason to judge them so vehemently.  Disagree, find it tacky and rude, express your opinions as is your right.  Aside from that, unless you are a guest and you feel personally that it is wrong for the couple to have a 2nd wedding, there it doesn't affect you and it's unreasonable to take such offense by someone else's choice. 

Also, while here at the Knot everyone finds the idea of the so called PPD incredibly rude and tacky, this isn't the case for everyone.  As I have mentioned two dear friends of mine recently got married at the CH.  They didn't need insurance, they just decided that they didn't want wait until the summer.  They are thrilled with their decision, and I can assure you that none of their friends and family (of those that I've spoken to and know personally) were offended or found it rude.  Everyone was happy for them, and I'm sure anyone who isn't just wont come in the summer. 

My point is, while some people find it rude and tacky, not everyone does.  It's just a matter of personal opinion, something everyone is entitled to without being judged.

Getting married at the courthouse is fine. I personally think courthouse weddings are fantastic.

Getting married at the courthouse and then later having another fucking wedding because the courthouse "isn't good enough" or "doesn't count" or "didn't make you feel like magical special princess with a sparkle wand up her ass" is not ok. Because some of us don't get to be legally protected in our state. So scoffing at the legal protection you get to have as "not good enough" is downright rude and offensive. You get one wedding (unless you get divorced), you don't keep having weddings until you feel special enough. If you don't feel special, seek therapy. Not weddings. 

I think you've got it a bit backwards here.  If recognition by a State (any State), is what you're looking for - the benefits of a union, that the civil part, or the CH, is the most important; being legally recognized.  Already stated, two consenting adults should be able to do this, regardless of sexual orientation, color or creed.  This is why I'm so okay with the two (the legal & the personal)being separated.  There are couples who stay together years without getting married; guess that the practicality of it doesn't work for them.  That's fine too.  I'm just I say that anyone who wants to join together as a legal unit should be able to.  And, if they want a big shindig with all the trappings, more power to them!  And they can do it on any day they want.

Ndelible

flantastic said:

"Hmmm... so many people really vehemently despise 'weddings' for show. I wonder if any of my guests despise it too and just won't tell me?"

Lurkers, please let this thought enter your brain.

We absolutely can judge a person for having a PPD.

So many people find it tacktacular that many are probably among your guests. We are trying to help save people from a) being judged by their guests and b) putting the people they supposedly care about in an awkward-ass position.

Really?  Why bother to judge is my question. It's a personal decision.  If I invited someone and they thought I was an ass for doing it, but still attended, talking about me all the while behind my back (also not something cool or tactful in my book)... well, I would guess I should have better friends.

ohannabelle

I love the "let's not argue semantics," suggestion. Of course not, because that's where your arguments are lost, the very second they begin. And semantics are exactly what you're arguing.

What you're arguing are lexical semantics. The very definitions of wedding and marriage. A lexicologist (or team of lexicologists) researched, studied, and assembled that dictionary definition you're dismissing. They have studied the existence and use of that word for a couple of thousand years. They have gathered all the data on that word, and variations of in multiple languages, throughout history, and rejected anything which cannot be proven.

A lexicologist is not a person of random unfounded opinion, they are scientists. Pretty damned skilled ones. They record fact. Personal opinion doesn't define a word.

They research and assemble dictionaries- that big book of what words really actually mean. You might just as well redefine the periodic table of elements. Go ahead and do that, but it doesn't change the reality.

Fact. You're using the word wedding incorrectly. You don't have the right to rewrite the language, and redefine words. The word wedding means the act of getting married. If you were married, you had a wedding. You were wed. (A nice old Middle English verb.) Joined together. Entered into matrimony. That's not an opinion. It's reality.

I can look at a dog, and call it a cat.  Maybe I prefer to call it a cat. It has four legs, a tail, food goes in one end and crap comes out the other. They are similarly furred. 

So if I walk up to you, holding my dog, and tell you that I call it a cat, and it doesn't matter what you call it, or what the dictionary calls it, it's a cat to me, and as long as I sincerely believe this animal to be a cat, it's a cat, does that work? Is it now a cat?

Nope. I would be delusional. The correct word is dog. I can call it whatever I want, but neither my belief nor intention changes the reality. A dog is a dog. A wedding is a wedding. No rational adult human being is going to believe or accept that my dog is a cat. 

Repeat: Sane, rational adults do not attempt to rewrite language to mean what they want it to mean. It is not an option. 

It's childish pretense.

If someone has been married, they have had a wedding. They have been wed.

They may now may have a celebration of the marriage, or a party to celebrate the wedding of, or vow renewal or whatever. If they want to make up their own word, they can call it a bigfrikkinfestiwed, for all I care. They probably shouldn't call it a cat, because that's the wrong word. It 's already taken, and means something else. Just like the word "wedding." 

A reenactment is not a wedding. Not by any definition of the word. The pretense of the wedding, the pretense of saying vows, even having a roomful of friends pretending along with you, now matter how sincere the feelings or what the intention is, is still false. 

This is why fake weddings look stupid. It is all one big theatrical make-pretend performance, the very act of which defies sincerity. Yes, people have the right to play make-pretend. But that doesn't make it real. It's self-deluding bullshit. 

ohannabelle

FFS. I give up. I have a schizophrenic sister who believes there are tracking devices implanted in her brain. Her logic is no more impaired than many of the previous posters.  And she has a medical excuse for her various delusions and failure to grasp reality. 

OwningAHome1981

I know what a PPD is but what does it actually stand for? Always wondered. It's mentioned a lot on here but never knew what it stood for.

wrigleyville

OwningAHome1981 said:

I know what a PPD is but what does it actually stand for? Always wondered. It's mentioned a lot on here but never knew what it stood for.

Pretty Princess Day

wrigleyville

CC0805 said:

I think what @Ndelible is trying to get across is that having a second wedding, and lets please not argue semantics, is a choice.  Whether the B&G are choosing to have a vow renewal with a reception, just a reception, or all the bells and whistles of a traditional wedding, it is just that, their choice. 

As long as the couple isn't lying to their guests, there is no reason to judge them so vehemently.  Disagree, find it tacky and rude, express your opinions as is your right.  Aside from that, unless you are a guest and you feel personally that it is wrong for the couple to have a 2nd wedding, there it doesn't affect you and it's unreasonable to take such offense by someone else's choice. 

Also, while here at the Knot everyone finds the idea of the so called PPD incredibly rude and tacky, this isn't the case for everyone.  As I have mentioned two dear friends of mine recently got married at the CH.  They didn't need insurance, they just decided that they didn't want wait until the summer.  They are thrilled with their decision, and I can assure you that none of their friends and family (of those that I've spoken to and know personally) were offended or found it rude.  Everyone was happy for them, and I'm sure anyone who isn't just wont come in the summer. 

My point is, while some people find it rude and tacky, not everyone does.  It's just a matter of personal opinion, something everyone is entitled to without being judged.

Yes, because nobody is going to tell a little, white lie when asked.

Come on. If you've been here long enough, you know that NOBODY ever complains about a wedding (or fake wedding) when asked point blank, but they always gripe about it behind the B&Gs back. Take a gander at some of the "worst wedding" threads, and you'll see what I mean.

My MOH had a cash bar at her wedding. I kept my lips zipped because she's my best friend. Internally, though? I judged it HARDCORE.

Another ex-friend of mine had a PPD. Nobody knew she'd gotten married. I saw the marriage license filing date in our local paper. Instead of confronting her, we declined the invitation to her PPD and separated ourselves from her over a period of time.

Another friend didn't have enough seating in her venue because she over-invited. Her solution was to put picnic blankets on the ground outside and ask the people under 40 to sit there. I sucked it up because she's my friend, but I was pissed.

mrs4everhart

wrigleyville said:

CC0805 said:

I think what @Ndelible is trying to get across is that having a second wedding, and lets please not argue semantics, is a choice.  Whether the B&G are choosing to have a vow renewal with a reception, just a reception, or all the bells and whistles of a traditional wedding, it is just that, their choice. 

As long as the couple isn't lying to their guests, there is no reason to judge them so vehemently.  Disagree, find it tacky and rude, express your opinions as is your right.  Aside from that, unless you are a guest and you feel personally that it is wrong for the couple to have a 2nd wedding, there it doesn't affect you and it's unreasonable to take such offense by someone else's choice. 

Also, while here at the Knot everyone finds the idea of the so called PPD incredibly rude and tacky, this isn't the case for everyone.  As I have mentioned two dear friends of mine recently got married at the CH.  They didn't need insurance, they just decided that they didn't want wait until the summer.  They are thrilled with their decision, and I can assure you that none of their friends and family (of those that I've spoken to and know personally) were offended or found it rude.  Everyone was happy for them, and I'm sure anyone who isn't just wont come in the summer. 

My point is, while some people find it rude and tacky, not everyone does.  It's just a matter of personal opinion, something everyone is entitled to without being judged.

Yes, because nobody is going to tell a little, white lie when asked.

Come on. If you've been here long enough, you know that NOBODY ever complains about a wedding (or fake wedding) when asked point blank, but they always gripe about it behind the B&Gs back. Take a gander at some of the "worst wedding" threads, and you'll see what I mean.

My MOH had a cash bar at her wedding. I kept my lips zipped because she's my best friend. Internally, though? I judged it HARDCORE.

Another ex-friend of mine had a PPD. Nobody knew she'd gotten married. I saw the marriage license filing date in our local paper. Instead of confronting her, we declined the invitation to her PPD and separated ourselves from her over a period of time.

Another friend didn't have enough seating in her venue because she over-invited. Her solution was to put picnic blankets on the ground outside and ask the people under 40 to sit there. I sucked it up because she's my friend, but I was pissed.

Oh, so now some lies are okay here in the land of Honesty is the Best Policy? What a joke. 

beethery

@STBMrsEverhart

White lie: I'm so sorry we had to decline your invitation to your PPD because you need attention wedding, I heard it was beautiful! We got booked up so fast that month.

When a couple has already gotten LEGALLY married, and they send out invitations and have a registry and the whole 9 and act like they aren't married and all that shit so they can have a big to-do when it's more convenient. That's not a white lie. That's some bald-faced made up bullshit. It's a damn liiiiieeeeeeeee.

mrs4everhart

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

White lie: I'm so sorry we had to decline your invitation to your PPD because you need attention wedding, I heard it was beautiful! We got booked up so fast that month.

When a couple has already gotten LEGALLY married, and they send out invitations and have a registry and the whole 9 and act like they aren't married and all that shit so they can have a big to-do when it's more convenient. That's not a white lie. That's some bald-faced made up bullshit. It's a damn liiiiieeeeeeeee.

Sorry, if you're going to sit in your judgy pants and judge someone because you think they're lying, lying to them doesn't sound like the appropriate way to deal with the situation. If it were me wearing my judgy pants, I'd tell them exactly why I wasn't attending. Luckily I save my judgy pants for more important things than being invited to parties. 

beethery

@STBMrsEverhart

Well, bully for you! Truly, good job. Excellent, A+, etc. How incredibly super nice for you.

Based on this post, and others you have made, it is super clear that you don't agree that PPDs are sheisty as fuck. That's 100% fine. However, most of us here don't feel that way, and no matter how many times you beat this dead horse, we aren't going to. And that is also fine. We don't have to agree on things, isn't that great? I love it!

wrigleyville

I refuse to be admonished for "lying" by someone having a PPD and crowing about how she doesn't give a fuck about lying to her nearest and dearest.

Dear, grab a mirror and give yourself a good once-over before you judge me.

mrs4everhart

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

Well, bully for you! Truly, good job. Excellent, A+, etc. How incredibly super nice for you.

Based on this post, and others you have made, it is super clear that you don't agree that PPDs are sheisty as fuck. That's 100% fine. However, most of us here don't feel that way, and no matter how many times you beat this dead horse, we aren't going to. And that is also fine. We don't have to agree on things, isn't that great? I love it!

I'm just happy I'm not a giant hypocrite. I don't think what you all call "PPD's" are sheisty, that much is obvious. But if I'm going to judge someone I'm going to open my big mouth and tell them why. Not hide behind some bullshit "I was busy" excuse. Silently judgy I am not. And I'm not going to come on a wedding forum and be all "OMG girls, listen to what this "friend" of mine is doing it is SO GAUCHE" then be all "hey girl" to her face. Eff that. THAT'S sheisty imo.

banana468

STBMrsEverhart said:

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

Well, bully for you! Truly, good job. Excellent, A+, etc. How incredibly super nice for you.

Based on this post, and others you have made, it is super clear that you don't agree that PPDs are sheisty as fuck. That's 100% fine. However, most of us here don't feel that way, and no matter how many times you beat this dead horse, we aren't going to. And that is also fine. We don't have to agree on things, isn't that great? I love it!

I'm just happy I'm not a giant hypocrite. I don't think what you all call "PPD's" are sheisty, that much is obvious. But if I'm going to judge someone I'm going to open my big mouth and tell them why. Not hide behind some bullshit "I was busy" excuse. Silently judgy I am not. And I'm not going to come on a wedding forum and be all "OMG girls, listen to what this "friend" of mine is doing it is SO GAUCHE" then be all "hey girl" to her face. Eff that. THAT'S sheisty imo.

Let me get this straight. You're not going to use a little white lie to your friends to spare their feelings (no honey, I can't see your fat rolls in that dress), but you're going to outright lie to all your guests about the fuckery that they're going to witness?

So basically, YOU get to do what you want when you want and to hell with the consequences as long as you get things your way. Got it.

Ndelible

wrigleyville said:

CC0805 said:

I think what @Ndelible is trying to get across is that having a second wedding, and lets please not argue semantics, is a choice.  Whether the B&G are choosing to have a vow renewal with a reception, just a reception, or all the bells and whistles of a traditional wedding, it is just that, their choice. 

As long as the couple isn't lying to their guests, there is no reason to judge them so vehemently.  Disagree, find it tacky and rude, express your opinions as is your right.  Aside from that, unless you are a guest and you feel personally that it is wrong for the couple to have a 2nd wedding, there it doesn't affect you and it's unreasonable to take such offense by someone else's choice. 

Also, while here at the Knot everyone finds the idea of the so called PPD incredibly rude and tacky, this isn't the case for everyone.  As I have mentioned two dear friends of mine recently got married at the CH.  They didn't need insurance, they just decided that they didn't want wait until the summer.  They are thrilled with their decision, and I can assure you that none of their friends and family (of those that I've spoken to and know personally) were offended or found it rude.  Everyone was happy for them, and I'm sure anyone who isn't just wont come in the summer. 

My point is, while some people find it rude and tacky, not everyone does.  It's just a matter of personal opinion, something everyone is entitled to without being judged.

Yes, because nobody is going to tell a little, white lie when asked.

Come on. If you've been here long enough, you know that NOBODY ever complains about a wedding (or fake wedding) when asked point blank, but they always gripe about it behind the B&Gs back. Take a gander at some of the "worst wedding" threads, and you'll see what I mean.

My MOH had a cash bar at her wedding. I kept my lips zipped because she's my best friend. Internally, though? I judged it HARDCORE.

Another ex-friend of mine had a PPD. Nobody knew she'd gotten married. I saw the marriage license filing date in our local paper. Instead of confronting her, we declined the invitation to her PPD and separated ourselves from her over a period of time.

Another friend didn't have enough seating in her venue because she over-invited. Her solution was to put picnic blankets on the ground outside and ask the people under 40 to sit there. I sucked it up because she's my friend, but I was pissed.

That's gotta suck, knowing such tacky folk and a lot of work having to keep your lips zipped to maintain civility.  On the friend who was lying, did you ask her about it and try to convince her to come clean to everyone?  You say that she's an ex-friend.  Was that the reason for the break?  Or something else?  On the cash bar, while maybe not the way you think a party should be hosted, might there have been extenuating circumstances that forced her hand?  Ouch on the over inviting bride, but sounds like she did so to please people; a little too much love in her heart to un-invite folks, while not enough room in her wallet to provide enough seating.  At least she didn't make the over 50-somethings sit on the blanket.  Did she at least provide coloring books and crayons?

Ndelible

ohannabelle said:

I love the "let's not argue semantics," suggestion. Of course not, because that's where your arguments are lost, the very second they begin. And semantics are exactly what you're arguing.

What you're arguing are lexical semantics. The very definitions of wedding and marriage. A lexicologist (or team of lexicologists) researched, studied, and assembled that dictionary definition you're dismissing. They have studied the existence and use of that word for a couple of thousand years. They have gathered all the data on that word, and variations of in multiple languages, throughout history, and rejected anything which cannot be proven.

A lexicologist is not a person of random unfounded opinion, they are scientists. Pretty damned skilled ones. They record fact. Personal opinion doesn't define a word.

They research and assemble dictionaries- that big book of what words really actually mean. You might just as well redefine the periodic table of elements. Go ahead and do that, but it doesn't change the reality.

Fact. You're using the word wedding incorrectly. You don't have the right to rewrite the language, and redefine words. The word wedding means the act of getting married. If you were married, you had a wedding. You were wed. (A nice old Middle English verb.) Joined together. Entered into matrimony. That's not an opinion. It's reality.

I can look at a dog, and call it a cat.  Maybe I prefer to call it a cat. It has four legs, a tail, food goes in one end and crap comes out the other. They are similarly furred. 

So if I walk up to you, holding my dog, and tell you that I call it a cat, and it doesn't matter what you call it, or what the dictionary calls it, it's a cat to me, and as long as I sincerely believe this animal to be a cat, it's a cat, does that work? Is it now a cat?

Nope. I would be delusional. The correct word is dog. I can call it whatever I want, but neither my belief nor intention changes the reality. A dog is a dog. A wedding is a wedding. No rational adult human being is going to believe or accept that my dog is a cat. 

Repeat: Sane, rational adults do not attempt to rewrite language to mean what they want it to mean. It is not an option. 

It's childish pretense.

If someone has been married, they have had a wedding. They have been wed.

They may now may have a celebration of the marriage, or a party to celebrate the wedding of, or vow renewal or whatever. If they want to make up their own word, they can call it a bigfrikkinfestiwed, for all I care. They probably shouldn't call it a cat, because that's the wrong word. It 's already taken, and means something else. Just like the word "wedding." 

A reenactment is not a wedding. Not by any definition of the word. The pretense of the wedding, the pretense of saying vows, even having a roomful of friends pretending along with you, now matter how sincere the feelings or what the intention is, is still false. 

This is why fake weddings look stupid. It is all one big theatrical make-pretend performance, the very act of which defies sincerity. Yes, people have the right to play make-pretend. But that doesn't make it real. It's self-deluding bullshit. 

Let's not argue.  Bring out the books 

STBMrsEverhart said:

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

White lie: I'm so sorry we had to decline your invitation to your PPD because you need attention wedding, I heard it was beautiful! We got booked up so fast that month.

When a couple has already gotten LEGALLY married, and they send out invitations and have a registry and the whole 9 and act like they aren't married and all that shit so they can have a big to-do when it's more convenient. That's not a white lie. That's some bald-faced made up bullshit. It's a damn liiiiieeeeeeeee.

Sorry, if you're going to sit in your judgy pants and judge someone because you think they're lying, lying to them doesn't sound like the appropriate way to deal with the situation. If it were me wearing my judgy pants, I'd tell them exactly why I wasn't attending. Luckily I save my judgy pants for more important things than being invited to parties. 

Seems like a reasonable approach to me.

Ndelible

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

White lie: I'm so sorry we had to decline your invitation to your PPD because you need attention wedding, I heard it was beautiful! We got booked up so fast that month.

When a couple has already gotten LEGALLY married, and they send out invitations and have a registry and the whole 9 and act like they aren't married and all that shit so they can have a big to-do when it's more convenient. That's not a white lie. That's some bald-faced made up bullshit. It's a damn liiiiieeeeeeeee.

Would the bolded statement be necessary?  Aren't PPDs by (your) definition tacky?

Ndelible

ohannabelle said:

FFS. I give up. I have a schizophrenic sister who believes there are tracking devices implanted in her brain. Her logic is no more impaired than many of the previous posters.  And she has a medical excuse for her various delusions and failure to grasp reality. 

Not sure who are the delusional ones.  More like the easy going ones and the judgmental ones.

Ndelible

Marzipan13 said:

TL;DR of All Our Responses:

Yes, it's true people can "do what they want".  Yes, people have and will continue to do so.
Doesn't make it right / acceptable / special.  We're just backing up the fact that lying & pretending to your friends and family is tacky and, more importantly, wrong.


We could go around in circles until Judgement Day, but we're telling you like it is & defending what it's supposed to be.

Judge much lately?

beethery

PPDs, while still unnecessary and potentially deceitful, can still be pretty. 

My cousin had one, and it was still pretty. She and her H looked great, the venue was gorgeous, etc. Was it necessary for her to do? Nope. She was already married.

mrs4everhart

banana468 said:

beethery said:

@STBMrsEverhart

Well, bully for you! Truly, good job. Excellent, A+, etc. How incredibly super nice for you.

Based on this post, and others you have made, it is super clear that you don't agree that PPDs are sheisty as fuck. That's 100% fine. However, most of us here don't feel that way, and no matter how many times you beat this dead horse, we aren't going to. And that is also fine. We don't have to agree on things, isn't that great? I love it!

I'm just happy I'm not a giant hypocrite. I don't think what you all call "PPD's" are sheisty, that much is obvious. But if I'm going to judge someone I'm going to open my big mouth and tell them why. Not hide behind some bullshit "I was busy" excuse. Silently judgy I am not. And I'm not going to come on a wedding forum and be all "OMG girls, listen to what this "friend" of mine is doing it is SO GAUCHE" then be all "hey girl" to her face. Eff that. THAT'S sheisty imo.

Let me get this straight. You're not going to use a little white lie to your friends to spare their feelings (no honey, I can't see your fat rolls in that dress), but you're going to outright lie to all your guests about the fuckery that they're going to witness? So basically, YOU get to do what you want when you want and to hell with the consequences as long as you get things your way. Got it.

Of course I would tell a friend a little white lie to spare their feelings (in the fat rolls example). But I'm not morally opposed to lying. All lies are lies by definition (I"m sure someone's copied and pasted a definition on here somewhere for reference).  If some people want to separate them into color categories and deem which are appropriate and for which reasons it's ok to lie, sure, they can knock themselves silly. I'd rather look at circumstances and decide for myself what I can live with and what I can't. As for being so bent out of shape that someone lied about the details of their wedding that I would concoct a story to avoid attending, nah, not my style. I'd rather call it on the floor and be done. I can't say that I agree with the OP of this post, being an ass on Facebook to her friend was probably uncalled for, but at least she had the balls to call out what she was opposed to. She didn't lie because she felt lied to, that's just asinine.

And FWIW, I wish everything in life worked like you apparently think my wedding is going to. That is, I get to do what I want when I want it! But alas, it doesn't. Yes, my wedding is going to, because we're paying for it and we decided long ago what was and was not a deal breaker for us. Most other aspects of life aren't quite as cooperative as wedding planning!

LDay2014

beethery said:

PPDs, while still unnecessary and potentially deceitful, can still be pretty. 

My cousin had one, and it was still pretty. She and her H looked great, the venue was gorgeous, etc. Was it necessary for her to do? Nope. She was already married.

If it wasn't pretty, it would probably defeat the purpose.  Otherwise, it would just be a princess day and my 5 & 7 year olds have those all the time , you know they're kids.

Alyssa18o6

I get what people are saying, I really do. But I really think it can go either way. I'm sure that there is a ton of people who do want a "do over wedding", I won't argue that at all. Or people who do get married for benefits, etc. But I don't think that every single person who has a "wedding" after getting married at the CH/etc. is doing it for attention. Recently we had a close family friend who was getting married, about 3 months before her wedding her they found out her father wasn't doing well, and probably wasn't going to make it. They tried to move everything up, and it was just a mess and it wasn't working out. Her mother offered to pay for an entire new wedding, but the father was against it. So they ended up going to the CH, so her father could walk her down the aisle, and witness her get married. She was on an only child, and her father ended up passing a few weeks later. They still have her regularly scheduled wedding as planned, and everyone was aware of the situation. I don't think by ANY means she was being selfish, and I would of never dreamed of not going because she was already married. I see alot of people posting about ladies just wanting to be "attention whores" and it isn't "all about them" but I respectfully disagree. I believe EVERYONE deserves moment, I don't care who you are, straight, gay, transgender, half zebra, an alien. You deserve to put on that dress/or whatever, and have your day in the spotlight. Go be an attention whore for a day! I do believe it is your right! I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices. I wouldn't decline an invitation to a wedding just because I knew that they we're already "married". Now if they're hiding it, thats another case, but i'd still go just because I like to see people be happy. I respect everyone who disagrees, just voicing my opinion on the matter And no, just so everyone knows, I have not gone and gotten married or have any plans to until my wedding day!

MollyandD

Alyssa18o6 said:

I get what people are saying, I really do. But I really think it can go either way. I'm sure that there is a ton of people who do want a "do over wedding", I won't argue that at all. Or people who do get married for benefits, etc. But I don't think that every single person who has a "wedding" after getting married at the CH/etc. is doing it for attention. Recently we had a close family friend who was getting married, about 3 months before her wedding her they found out her father wasn't doing well, and probably wasn't going to make it. They tried to move everything up, and it was just a mess and it wasn't working out. Her mother offered to pay for an entire new wedding, but the father was against it. So they ended up going to the CH, so her father could walk her down the aisle, and witness her get married. She was on an only child, and her father ended up passing a few weeks later. They still have her regularly scheduled wedding as planned, and everyone was aware of the situation. I don't think by ANY means she was being selfish, and I would of never dreamed of not going because she was already married. I see alot of people posting about ladies just wanting to be "attention whores" and it isn't "all about them" but I respectfully disagree. I believe EVERYONE deserves moment, I don't care who you are, straight, gay, transgender, half zebra, an alien. You deserve to put on that dress/or whatever, and have your day in the spotlight. Go be an attention whore for a day! I do believe it is your right! I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices. I wouldn't decline an invitation to a wedding just because I knew that they we're already "married". Now if they're hiding it, thats another case, but i'd still go just because I like to see people be happy. I respect everyone who disagrees, just voicing my opinion on the matter And no, just so everyone knows, I have not gone and gotten married or have any plans to until my wedding day!

I honestly get what you're saying here. I understand your friend's very difficult choice. But... If it were me, and if my father had died right after walking me down the aisle at the courthouse, I would not dream of cheapening that precious moment with a ceremony afterward. That would be the only wedding that would matter to me from that moment on. 

ETA: I would keep the reception as planned and change it to a marriage celebration. I know a lot of people don't like this, but I'd probably even wear the dress I originally planned to wear. I just would be heartbroken at the idea of going through a ceremony when I had already had the one that matters with my father prior to his death. 

SachaBee

I can't help laughing at the posters who are all "EVERY WOMAN WANTS A PRETTY PRINCESS DAY AND NO ONE DREAMS OF GETTING MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE" bullshitbullshitbullshit. Let's get topical, this is #NOTallwomen.

Literally all I want is to be married at a courthouse. Because to me, marriage is about commitment. And love. And vowing (when you sign that document, you are making a written vow. English is actually a language with both written and spoken components) to be with the love of my life, for the rest of my life, forever and ever until we die (or beyond, who knows). This is what a wedding is. Although, yes, I would want my family there, and maybe a couple very close friends. That's it. Maybe 10 people total. And then we'd go out. My child-brain is like, "FOR PIZZA!" Because I honestly get so much more excited for pizza than the thought of planning or "starring in" a princess wedding. And I love weddings--other people's weddings.

I don't care so much what strangers do, but it does really, really piss me off for people to call a "party" a "real wedding" because no. A Real Wedding is where two people who love each other sincerely commit to each other.

(And in case you are curious, my fiance, my parents, and my FMIL all want a big-traditional-party kind of shindig, and would be hurt if this did not happen. So I don't get my wish. But I've accepted that the wishes of others are sometimes more important than me getting EVERYTHING I WANT FOR JUST ONE DAY or whatever.)

LinZ121314

SachaBee said:

I can't help laughing at the posters who are all "EVERY WOMAN WANTS A PRETTY PRINCESS DAY AND NO ONE DREAMS OF GETTING MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE" bullshitbullshitbullshit. Let's get topical, this is #NOTallwomen.

Literally all I want is to be married at a courthouse. Because to me, marriage is about commitment. And love. And vowing (when you sign that document, you are making a written vow. English is actually a language with both written and spoken components) to be with the love of my life, for the rest of my life, forever and ever until we die (or beyond, who knows). This is what a wedding is. Although, yes, I would want my family there, and maybe a couple very close friends. That's it. Maybe 10 people total. And then we'd go out. My child-brain is like, "FOR PIZZA!" Because I honestly get so much more excited for pizza than the thought of planning or "starring in" a princess wedding. And I love weddings--other people's weddings.

I don't care so much what strangers do, but it does really, really piss me off for people to call a "party" a "real wedding" because no. A Real Wedding is where two people who love each other sincerely commit to each other.

(And in case you are curious, my fiance, my parents, and my FMIL all want a big-traditional-party kind of shindig, and would be hurt if this did not happen. So I don't get my wish. But I've accepted that the wishes of others are sometimes more important than me getting EVERYTHING I WANT FOR JUST ONE DAY or whatever.)

I. LOVE. THIS.

amakayeb

I've avoided jumping in to these conversations for a long time, but as I get closer to my own wedding, it just gets harder for me to stay away.

Adults make choices, and those choice have consequences (which can be good, bad, or neutral--consequences are simply the things that occur because of the choice that is made).

My fiance and I are of a religion that does not believe in living together before marriage. We got engaged last summer. He had one year left of graduate school in another state. We DECIDED that we wanted to celebrate our wedding with our family and friends around us (we're pretty traditional), so we scheduled it for this summer. Yes, we (well, more so HE, and my parents, and his parents, and our aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) would like to have the day with the church ceremony, the white dress, and the cake. 

Over the last year, there are many times when it would have been much more convenient for us to have already been married. Like, every school break, when he was sleeping on various friends' couches. However, we never once thought, "Gee, we could just go to the courthouse and get married now and then have our wedding this summer." Because, as others have so clearly explained, we by definition could not do that. And if we wanted to do it anyway, and call the then reenactment a wedding, we would either have to lie to our family and friends, or tell them the truth and have them be very disappointed that they were not at our actual wedding.

You cannot have it both ways. If you want to get married right away, for whatever reason, great! Go to the courthouse by yourselves, bring your parents, or quickly arrange a small ceremony with the people you want there. If you can't afford a huge dinner reception, have cake and punch. If you want to have the ceremony and save up for a huge party later, wonderful! The consequence of choosing to get married is that, however you do it, that was your wedding. 

Are there consequences for choosing to wait? Yes. in our case, the last year has been crazy and inconvenient, and we've gone weeks without seeing each other. In other cases, the consequences are different. 

I realize this adds nothing to the conversation and simply reiterates what has been said numerous times, but I just couldn't keep it in anymore!

abbyj700

Completely agree @amakayeb.

My fiances cousin is very quickly marrying his bride to be - so that they can have the rights of a married couple to the US Army. They had a choice - fast engagement and whatever wedding they could plan in that time frame or long engagement living in different states without the rights of a married couple. They made a choice. We all have to make them and they all have good and bad consequences. 

CMGragain

I planned my wedding in two months.  We had a small church wedding with a cake and punch ceremony.  WHY did I plan it so quickly?  Because we wanted to have SEX.  Things sure were different in 1976!  OK, so DH lived 1100 miles away, and I couldn't wait to join him!  Ha!

lovesclimbing

A good friend of mine married her marine husband in a quicky wedding so they could move together cross country.

They had THREE WEEKS to plan the wedding from engagement to wedding day.  They had a really really gorgeous wedding. She wore a long white gown, they had a beautiful cake and cupcakes, really cute decor and flowers (yes mason jars, but no burlap!) and really great photography.  And on top of having three weeks to plan, she lived on an ISLAND.  No roads in or out. Everything had to be shipped in.  And it was a large town - no bridal or formal shops, no Hobby Lobby/Joanns/Michaels/insert-other-DIY/crafty-store-here.

And it was gorgeous.