Wedding Woes

Evil Step Mom?

 My fiance and I have been together for about a year and a half now and engaged for a little over two months.  We both have kids - my daughter is 9 and his son is 15.  My daughter has a wonderful relationship with my fiance.  I have a so so relationship with his son, which is to be expected because of gender and age.  I have stayed out of the way when it comes to discipline and don't ask him to do much around the house.  I leave all of the "dirty work" to his dad, however lately he has been very disrespectful to me and I've had to address it.  Before we got engaged he told his dad he didn't like me.  His dad acknowledged it but said this is about my happiness as well as yours and the reasons he didn't like me were very picky.  This weekend the poo hit the fan.   He told his dad he's been difficult and disrespectful in hopes that I would give up and leave his dad or that his dad would kick my daughter and I out.  He told his dad he will not be in the wedding and he wont even go to the wedding.  My fiance is devastated.  A part of me is relieved because I have a bad feeling he would go out of his way to screw up parts of the wedding, but I also know how sad my fiance will be if he's not there.  Do we make him stand up in the ceremony as his best man or do we let him skip out and not even go to the wedding?  

Re: Evil Step Mom?

  •  My fiance and I have been together for about a year and a half now and engaged for a little over two months.  We both have kids - my daughter is 9 and his son is 15.  My daughter has a wonderful relationship with my fiance.  I have a so so relationship with his son, which is to be expected because of gender and age.  I have stayed out of the way when it comes to discipline and don't ask him to do much around the house.  I leave all of the "dirty work" to his dad, however lately he has been very disrespectful to me and I've had to address it.  Before we got engaged he told his dad he didn't like me.  His dad acknowledged it but said this is about my happiness as well as yours and the reasons he didn't like me were very picky.  This weekend the poo hit the fan.   He told his dad he's been difficult and disrespectful in hopes that I would give up and leave his dad or that his dad would kick my daughter and I out.  He told his dad he will not be in the wedding and he wont even go to the wedding.  My fiance is devastated.  A part of me is relieved because I have a bad feeling he would go out of his way to screw up parts of the wedding, but I also know how sad my fiance will be if he's not there.  Do we make him stand up in the ceremony as his best man or do we let him skip out and not even go to the wedding?  
    No. You do not make him be his father's BM or attend the wedding if he doesn't want to. 

    I'm sorry he's being an ass to you, but the harder you try to force the relationship, the more likely the kid is to act out. I know your FI must be devastated -- and years from now, your FSS is going to look back on this and think, 'Wow! I was a giant fucking prick!' when he remembers he skipped his father's wedding -- but there's nothing you two can do right now.

    I don't know when your wedding is, or how far off it is, but your FI should say, 'Son, I appreciate your honesty in telling me about your actions, but they're not going to change anything. I'm marrying PinkWarrrio, and nothing's going to change that. I would love for you to be a part of our special day, but I'll understand if you don't want to be. I will be sad, and hurt, but I won't force it.'

    And then stop talking about the wedding with him. 
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    MNNEBridekmmssgVarunaTTOliveOilsMom
  • Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  Very good advice.  Lucky for my daughter and I my FI did say those things to him - almost word for word.  I haven't had an opportunity to say anything to him and I doubt I will.  I don't even know what to say.  There's nothing that I can think of other than just treat him with kindness and ignore his behavior as it will just give him what he wants - a reaction.  I just don't want my FI to be sad.  I'm choking back tears just thinking about it :(
    HisGirlFriday13
  • @HisGirlFriday for the win.  Excellent advice.

    OP - I am a mom and a wicked stepmom.  I have introduced myself to my stepDD's friends that way for years.

    I really encourage you to consider counseling.  Get behind FSS's eyes for a minute.  He did not sign up to have parents in different homes, marrying different people.  He is 15 and that is a tough time for any kid.

    My DD gets married in June and will be 32 at the time.  When I married her stepfather in 1996 she hated him and did not want us to get married.  Today she will tell you how badly she feels about that and how much she truly thinks of him.  She was 14 at the time and she didn't sign up for a bunch of stepparents, etc.  She was going to her dad's every other weekend, splitting holidays, etc.  Kids don't sign up for that stuff.  We create that situation for them sometimes.  The don't have to like it.

    I strongly encourage you to follow @HisGirlFriday advice.  Respect his feelings right now - they sound pretty desperate. This kid needs your support right now far more than you and FI need his.  Get some family counseling going.  You guys need to invest in this kid right now.
    HisGirlFriday13OliveOilsMom
  • I've been begging for family counseling for months now.  My FI and go to premarital counseling just to get a grasp on what to do/say with the kids and each other as we blend our family.  My FSS's mom is against his participation with counseling.  Because of the divorce decree we can't take him to counseling. We have to get it approved by court before we can go over his mother's head. I've sat down with my FSS a few times and asked him what I can do to make the transition smooth.  He gives me a blank stare, a shrug and says he's fine. 

    I'm glad to hear that your situation cleared up.  It gives me hope.  I do care about his well being, and will do anything to help short of ending my relationship.  He's saying he doesn't want to come to the house anymore, and that breaks my heart. I'm looking for literature that I can read to help me through this.  Have you come across any good help books covering this topic?  How did your daughter eventually come around?  Did you do anything or just let it run it's course?
  • I don't have any good recommendations for books or resources, and to be honest, DD just had to grow up.

    Can you guys go to the Friend of the Court and see if you can get court appointed counseling?  A friend of mine had to do that because her ex was playing crazy mind games with their kids.  He wouldn't agree to let the kids do counseling so they went to the Friend of the Court, stated their case and why it was necessary and the courts agreed.
  • kmmssg said:
    I don't have any good recommendations for books or resources, and to be honest, DD just had to grow up.

    Can you guys go to the Friend of the Court and see if you can get court appointed counseling?  A friend of mine had to do that because her ex was playing crazy mind games with their kids.  He wouldn't agree to let the kids do counseling so they went to the Friend of the Court, stated their case and why it was necessary and the courts agreed.
    @kmmssg is wise -- listen to her. I strongly recommend going to the court and going over the mother's head. 

    I have friends who are in this situation -- the bio-mom is playing horrible mind-games with the kids, and it's SERIOUSLY effing them up emotionally, but then she refuses to agree to counselling, even though the bio-dad (my friend) has said he'll pay for it (kids are on his insurance.)

    He and his wife finally went to their lawyer and went to the court and got a court order that the kids have to go to counselling and cannot be removed from it until the counsellor says so. Bio-mom is pissed about it, but she can't refuse without violating the court order and being held in contempt.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    kmmssg
  • Am I selfish because I'm angry and this whole situation is taking the fun/joy out of the wedding and the idea of the wedding day?  I realize the wedding is the tiniest part of the big picture.  I'm actually kind of weirded out by this whole thing to the point I don't want to stand up in front of people knowing his son doesn't approve of our relationship.  Is it bad that I feel like I shouldn't go through with a wedding and I feel more inclined to go through a JP wedding now?  My FI doesn't want the JP wedding. I'm so confused.
  • Whew!  Take a breath...

    You know, I get that it is being a fun-sucker for your wedding and I get how that would make you angry.  Your wedding  and your stepson are two different topics in all of this and you can still care about him and be upset about the effect it is having on the wedding.  '

    If you guys are going to get married, do what you have planned.  There are a lot of us out  here with stepkids who understand a teenager not being happy with the new family deal.  Keep your plans.

    Respect that he may not come.  Your FI should tell him he is wanted at the wedding and that you both love him, but if he feels he can't attend, you still love him and  you understand.

    I can't encourage counseling enough.  He is still a kid trying to navigate a grown up situation here.  I wish you the best.

  • Thank you for the words of clarity and wisdom.  I have a hard time talking about this to family/friends as I don't want them to be stressed.  I'm still pushing for counseling, but it's not going to come with out a court mandate.  At least I feel like I have a direction on this.  Before today I felt more confused.
    kmmssg
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