Is This Weird?? (NWR)

Sammyantha13

Hi Knotties!  I have a situation that I'd like to get your opinion on...FI is a sweetheart and loves (mostly) all aspects of me.  He considers me to be way more attractive than him and likes showing me off to his single friends and our couple friends.  (I completely disagree--I think we are the same level of attractiveness, if that even matters...)  Since we started dating six years ago he has liked buying clothes and shoes for me.  He likes to point out other ladies' outfits and comment that he thinks I would look good in something similar.  

A few months ago I had breast augmentation.  Completely my choice, and I feel great and am glad I did it.  And it has noticeably improved our, erm, romantic life.  Haha.  Since my surgery he has been on an even bigger kick about wanting to buy me clothes that accentuate my new girls.  Don't get me wrong, it's not all super sexy things.  A lot of times it's like a tank top and a pair of shorts that I think looks just okay/whatever, but he goes gaga over it for some reason.  I won't pretend to understand his taste.

This past weekend we were at a festival, walking around all day.  About every half an hour he was whipping out his phone and writing things down.  After awhile I did a side-eye peek (I know, bad of me) and realized he was writing down girls' outfits that he was noticing and I'm sure wants to get something similar for me.  I didn't say anything to him about it because I know he would get weird and say I like, ruined a surprise for myself or something silly.  So...would you feel self conscious that he does this, or would you feel flattered that he notices these others ladies looking good and thinks I would look good in that outfit too?  Should I be concerned that he's making too much of a big deal out of my appearance?  Because sometimes in the back of my mind I think, "What's wrong with the clothes I have?  What's wrong with the way I dress myself?"  He does compliment my outfits all the time though.  When we go out on the weekends I usually ask him what I should wear/let him pick it out.  

I know this post probably makes him seem shallow...that's not the case.  I don't think he's a bad guy for wanting to show me off.  I just wonder if any other SO's do this as well?

AprilH81

 

Sammyantha13 said:

Hi Knotties!  I have a situation that I'd like to get your opinion on...FI is a sweetheart and loves (mostly) all aspects of me.  He considers me to be way more attractive than him and likes showing me off to his single friends and our couple friends.  (I completely disagree--I think we are the same level of attractiveness, if that even matters...)  Since we started dating six years ago he has liked buying clothes and shoes for me.  He likes to point out other ladies' outfits and comment that he thinks I would look good in something similar.  

A few months ago I had breast augmentation.  Completely my choice, and I feel great and am glad I did it.  And it has noticeably improved our, erm, romantic life.  Haha.  Since my surgery he has been on an even bigger kick about wanting to buy me clothes that accentuate my new girls.  Don't get me wrong, it's not all super sexy things.  A lot of times it's like a tank top and a pair of shorts that I think looks just okay/whatever, but he goes gaga over it for some reason.  I won't pretend to understand his taste.

This past weekend we were at a festival, walking around all day.  About every half an hour he was whipping out his phone and writing things down.  After awhile I did a side-eye peek (I know, bad of me) and realized he was writing down girls' outfits that he was noticing and I'm sure wants to get something similar for me.  I didn't say anything to him about it because I know he would get weird and say I like, ruined a surprise for myself or something silly.  So...would you feel self conscious that he does this, or would you feel flattered that he notices these others ladies looking good and thinks I would look good in that outfit too?  Should I be concerned that he's making too much of a big deal out of my appearance?  Because sometimes in the back of my mind I think, "What's wrong with the clothes I have?  What's wrong with the way I dress myself?"  He does compliment my outfits all the time though.  When we go out on the weekends I usually ask him what I should wear/let him pick it out.  

I know this post probably makes him seem shallow...that's not the case.  I don't think he's a bad guy for wanting to show me off.  I just wonder if any other SO's do this as well?

Honestly?  I find this odd.

Why does he spend so much time looking at other women close enough to 1) pay attention to what they are wearing and 2) close enough to decifer if a similar look would work on you? 

For me (only based on the information you just gave) he seems overly fixated on appearance and showing you off.  You are more than the sum of your body parts.  He should be proud of the hard work you do at work, your brain, your loving nature...  One day you will get old, wrinkled and possibly fat, will he love you less once he can't show you off?

Most guys I know barely notice what color a woman is wearing and for him to be taking copious notes to show you later is worrisome.  I'm sure you can dress yourself.

 

ElcaB

I'm with April on this one. It's great that FI has the hots for you, but I agree with all the points she made. 

grumbledore

Sammyantha13 said:

Hi Knotties!  I have a situation that I'd like to get your opinion on...FI is a sweetheart and loves (mostly) all aspects of me.  He considers me to be way more attractive than him and likes showing me off to his single friends and our couple friends.  (I completely disagree--I think we are the same level of attractiveness, if that even matters...)  Since we started dating six years ago he has liked buying clothes and shoes for me.  He likes to point out other ladies' outfits and comment that he thinks I would look good in something similar.  

A few months ago I had breast augmentation.  Completely my choice, and I feel great and am glad I did it.  And it has noticeably improved our, erm, romantic life.  Haha.  Since my surgery he has been on an even bigger kick about wanting to buy me clothes that accentuate my new girls.  Don't get me wrong, it's not all super sexy things.  A lot of times it's like a tank top and a pair of shorts that I think looks just okay/whatever, but he goes gaga over it for some reason.  I won't pretend to understand his taste.

This past weekend we were at a festival, walking around all day.  About every half an hour he was whipping out his phone and writing things down.  After awhile I did a side-eye peek (I know, bad of me) and realized he was writing down girls' outfits that he was noticing and I'm sure wants to get something similar for me.  I didn't say anything to him about it because I know he would get weird and say I like, ruined a surprise for myself or something silly.  So...would you feel self conscious that he does this, or would you feel flattered that he notices these others ladies looking good and thinks I would look good in that outfit too?  Should I be concerned that he's making too much of a big deal out of my appearance?  Because sometimes in the back of my mind I think, "What's wrong with the clothes I have?  What's wrong with the way I dress myself?"  He does compliment my outfits all the time though.  When we go out on the weekends I usually ask him what I should wear/let him pick it out.  

I know this post probably makes him seem shallow...that's not the case.  I don't think he's a bad guy for wanting to show me off.  I just wonder if any other SO's do this as well?

Honestly, I think that's bananas, but as long as it doesn't bother you I guess it's fine?  IMO, I would feel like my FI was fixating waaaaaay too much on my physical appearance if I were in this situation.

smalfrie19

Than would squick me out. I like when my FI says something nice about what I put on and I wouldn't mind him voicing an opinion if I asked about a piece of clothing...but I would be seriously running for the hills if I were in your situation. He seems shallow to me...and treating you like you are a prize

pinkshorts27

Agree with PPs. And also, my FI couldn't remember what I wore let alone what other girls wear, so in my perspective that is odd.

Sammyantha13

@AprilH81, those are good points, thanks.  Yes I have brought up the same conversation of "you know I'm not always going to look like this..." and he always says that it doesn't matter how much weight I could gain or what I could look like, he'd love me the same.  I know he loves me for much more than my physical appearance, so I'm not worried about that.  I think my issue in the beginning (a few years ago) was more of, "why is he checking out all of these girls and telling me about it?"  But I know now that it's sincerely because of the clothes.  

We have studied the love languages together and the way he expresses his love to me is definitely through gifts and quality time.  So gifts...that makes sense why he likes buying those things for me.

He is also an officer in the military.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to other people, but I feel like it could have something to do with this.  We have gone to, and will be going to, a lot of squadron parties and balls and such where the military spouses/SO's are always looking each other up and down...

ShallowSeas

Very weird...

I want FI to think I'm attractive and I'm glad that he does...but I would be completely weirded out..and maybe even grossed out..if that's all he fixated on. He tells me daily that I'm beautiful and gives me compliments on my outfit, hair, jewelry, etc. and that's all the confirmation I need.

I think it's completely normal for a SO to buy the other one lingerie, or a sexy outfit that they like, but when they're looking at other females and taking notes on their clothing style...that crosses a line for me and becomes creepy.

littlemushroom

I think if he is otherwise interested in clothes and fashion, then I wouldn't worry about it.  Does he make suggestions on outfits to other women in his life, like his mom, sister, etc?  Do they ask him for clothes advice?  Is he really conscious about the clothes he wears and strives to always look nice?  If any of that is true, then I don't see a problem that he does the same for you.

If you are the only person he does it for, then you need to ask yourself if you have done anything to make it seem like a good idea for him to continue.  Some people have a hard time coming up with gift ideas or ways to shower their SO with affection.  He may have latched onto the clothing thing because you seem to genuinely like that he buys you outfits.  The fact that you ask him what to wear when you go out weekends would also tell him that you like him picking out outfits for you.  He needs ideas of outfits to get you because you like it when buys them for you, so if he isn't otherwise into fashion the only way to get ideas is to look around him and what other people are wearing.

However, if it is starting to make you uncomfortable or self conscious, then you need to tell him.  You can't see if it is really all about him wanting to make you happy or about him wanting you to look a certain way if you don't explain that you want him to stop buying you outfits.  If he stops after you tell him you are uncomfortable, then there isn't a problem.  If he doesn't, then maybe there are some things to be concerned about.

From what you posted though, I really think it is more that he has fallen into a habit because you seem to like him doing it. He found something that works, so that is his default. Especially since this has gone on for SIX YEARS and you apparently haven't expressed having an issue with it yet.

sarawifenow

I also agree with PPs. I would have a major problem if my FI was  always looking at other girls to see what he finds attractive and then try to duplicate it with me. I would question whether or not FI thought I was attractive or if the way he made me was attractive.

grumbledore

Sammyantha13 said:

@AprilH81, those are good points, thanks.  Yes I have brought up the same conversation of "you know I'm not always going to look like this..." and he always says that it doesn't matter how much weight I could gain or what I could look like, he'd love me the same.  I know he loves me for much more than my physical appearance, so I'm not worried about that.  I think my issue in the beginning (a few years ago) was more of, "why is he checking out all of these girls and telling me about it?"  But I know now that it's sincerely because of the clothes.  

We have studied the love languages together and the way he expresses his love to me is definitely through gifts and quality time.  So gifts...that makes sense why he likes buying those things for me.

He is also an officer in the military.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to other people, but I feel like it could have something to do with this.  We have gone to, and will be going to, a lot of squadron parties and balls and such where the military spouses/SO's are always looking each other up and down...

Ew to the bolded.

Listen, if you are okay with him acting this way, then it's fine, but I don't think you are 100% okay with it or you wouldn't be asking us if we thought it was weird, which we do.

DaisyMaeMommy

It's weird, completely.

Maggie0829

I think this is weird.  There is one thing for him to say that you look great in an outfit or even buy you a pretty dress or nice top every now and then but for him to be 100% fixated on your clothes and your appearance is not normal.

Also, do you even like the clothes that he buys you?  Is it even your style or taste?  Or are you only wearing them because he likes that style?

Swazzle

I think it's great that your FI is so attracted to you but the fact that he's TAKING NOTES on what other women are wearing so that you can dress the same way is really, really weird to me. I would probably be a little offended and definitely freaked out by this.

mbross3

Honestly, this would maybe make me feel a little weird. Does he do this a lot? It's not clear from your post whether this is common occurrence or more of a situational thing.

For example, BF and I went to C2E2 in Chicago this weekend (it's like Comic con for the midwest) and he was pointing out outfits left and right! Of course, everyone was in super crazy/cool costumes...He definitely doesn't do this on a normal day. In fact, he barely notices what I'm wearing. We went on a weekend trip a couple weeks ago and my shampoo exploded in my suitcase and totally ruined a dress I had packed. Which meant I had to wear the same dress for 2.5 days. BF did.not.notice. I mean he even told me how cute I looked on the second day-not realizing I had already worn the dress for the entire day before! 

Anyway, my point is that all men are different and they're going to notice/comment on different things. The important thing is how it's making you feel. You are obviously not completely comfortable with this, and so I think you need to talk to your FI about how this makes you feel. 

Maybe you can let him know that you like when he tells you he thinks you look nice, and it's sweet to get gifts, but that maybe he can try expressing his feelings about other aspects of who you are (aside from your appearance). If this is his "language of love" that's totally fine, but yours might be different and so you both have to make the effort to meet in the middle.

ETA: I think part of what would make me feel weird is that sometimes I know I just look gross: hungover, sick, tired/however I look during finals, but I know that BF doesn't really care how I look. Are you comfortable around him on the days that you just don't feel as attractive? Because hey, it happens!

larrygaga

My first thought is that maybe he just likes clothes and has his very own doll to dress up. It's a little weird, but not a bad thing. As long as you don't mind and as long as it doesn't interfere with real life, who cares? 

EDIT: Perhaps he is focusing too much on your appearance. 

vk2204

I think it is too much. It is one thing to see something, buy it and say he thought it would look good on you (every once and a while). But to actually make notes of what other people are wearing and wanting you to look like them is something different.

He seems to be very concerned with appearance and it is awesome how he wants to show you off, but it just seems too controlling for me. What if you don't like it? Does he get upset?

AddieCake

I think it's very bizarre. He's checking out other women with what he believes are similar sized boobs to yours and that he likes certain outfits on. It doesn't bother me that he is looking at the women and their boobs, but it just seems so weird that he is playing dress up doll in his head thinking about how he can show off your boobs.

ScoutF

I think it goes past the point of being odd. This is so creepy to me. H will point out an outfit every now and then, but to go so far as to write it down? That's so strange. 

emmyg65

This is not a dynamic that I'd accept in a relationship, partly because I don't like such a focus on appearances and partly because you seem like an accessory to be dressed up and shown off, not a person. And mostly because he's paying way too much attention to what other people think. That kind of intense need for external validation is no good.

But different strokes for different folks and all that jazz. If you're happy together, keep on keepin' on.

Blergbot

Actually, OP, I think what he's doing shows signs that he's really controlling. Add that with being overly fixated on appearance, and I think you've got a big problem on your hands. I would get yourselves to couples counselling right away and discuss this fetish he's got and how it's going to effect your relationship down the line.

Sammyantha13

Thanks for all the responses, everyone!  Okay, let me clarify some things.

It's not like he's going out every week and buying me an article of clothing.  In the past year and a half, I recall him buying three outfits for me (one was lingerie).  So he doesn't do this all the time.  Sometimes it's a surprise and other times he likes taking me to the store and seeing me try things on.  

He doesn't have any sisters but he is VERY close to his mom, though I can't say if he's ever given her fashion advice, lol.  (His mom also likes to buy me clothes, so maybe it runs in the family, lol.)  But he does also care about his appearance is always asking my opinion, and usually asks me to pick out his clothes when we go out together.  

@Maggie0829, our styles are very similar.  We tend to like the same things on myself.  

Part of this is brought on by me...a few years ago around the time that I lost my dad, I started having some self-esteem issues.  So I think FI just tries to go above and beyond now to make me feel special.  I do like looking good and making him happy, and we do have fun dressing each other up, as @larrygaga said.  Haha.  

I guess it's just happened all of a sudden because of my surgery and he's more excited about finding something for me.  I think he may be planning to buy something soon which is why he's compiling this list to remember what he likes.  The only thing that irks me is what he was doing on Saturday while we were out together...

Maggie0829

I still think him making notes on his phone while you two are out at an event about other women's clothing is super weird.  There is one thing about going shopping together but him continuously checking out what other women are wearing and making notes in his phone is crossing the obsession line.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with other PPs in thinking it's very, very weird.

DH tells me every day he thinks I'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous, and he compliments my outfits a lot, but he never goes out and buys clothes for me, or suggests that I'd look good in something someone else is wearing. 

He will sometimes say, 'Will you wear X dress to Y event this weekend? I really love the way you look in it,' but that's as far as it goes.

I ditto @grumbledore -- if you were truly OK with this, you wouldn't be asking our opinions.

LadyMillil

While I think the whole notebook thing is very odd, my DH will sometimes say things like "you'd look good in the dress that girl is wearing", so I don't find it too weird that he is buying clothes for you because he likes the way they look on other women. I think DH would do the same for me if he could figure out what size to buy. DH doesn't make comments like this very often, though.

theartistformerlyknownas

I definitely think it's strange. He's in the military - does he wear a uniform daily? Maybe you're his outlet for fashion choices since he doesn't get to make them for himself. (Reason =/= excuse. Weird however you look at it, and I'd likely ask him to cool it.)

IDK that I would necessarily call it controlling with just this much info... maybe you can just suggest something like "I have enough outfits, but I'd really love if you put that energy into finding a book I'd love" (or recipe or something of interest besides your physical appearance).

JCbride2015

Yeah, I think it's a bit weird and sort of controlling.  I'd be very concerned if my SO was so focused on appearances.  It's great that your Fi is physically attracted to you, but the taking notes and dressing you up thing is really strange.

bellaluna290

Sammyantha13 said:

Hi Knotties!  I have a situation that I'd like to get your opinion on...FI is a sweetheart and loves (mostly) all aspects of me.  He considers me to be way more attractive than him and likes showing me off to his single friends and our couple friends.  (I completely disagree--I think we are the same level of attractiveness, if that even matters...)  Since we started dating six years ago he has liked buying clothes and shoes for me.  He likes to point out other ladies' outfits and comment that he thinks I would look good in something similar.  

A few months ago I had breast augmentation.  Completely my choice, and I feel great and am glad I did it.  And it has noticeably improved our, erm, romantic life.  Haha.  Since my surgery he has been on an even bigger kick about wanting to buy me clothes that accentuate my new girls.  Don't get me wrong, it's not all super sexy things.  A lot of times it's like a tank top and a pair of shorts that I think looks just okay/whatever, but he goes gaga over it for some reason.  I won't pretend to understand his taste.

This past weekend we were at a festival, walking around all day.  About every half an hour he was whipping out his phone and writing things down.  After awhile I did a side-eye peek (I know, bad of me) and realized he was writing down girls' outfits that he was noticing and I'm sure wants to get something similar for me.  I didn't say anything to him about it because I know he would get weird and say I like, ruined a surprise for myself or something silly.  So...would you feel self conscious that he does this, or would you feel flattered that he notices these others ladies looking good and thinks I would look good in that outfit too?  Should I be concerned that he's making too much of a big deal out of my appearance?  Because sometimes in the back of my mind I think, "What's wrong with the clothes I have?  What's wrong with the way I dress myself?"  He does compliment my outfits all the time though.  When we go out on the weekends I usually ask him what I should wear/let him pick it out.  

I know this post probably makes him seem shallow...that's not the case.  I don't think he's a bad guy for wanting to show me off.  I just wonder if any other SO's do this as well?

Ditto what PP have said, especially April.

I do find it telling that he never wanted you to dress this way until after your breast augmentation. It's not only controlling, but shallow as well.

mbross3

Can you just talk to your FI about this? I mean I've been with BF for about 2 years and we've gone shopping (for clothes) together twice. And once for a wedding BF was in. Those times BF and I picked out some stuff and he tried them on and I told him what looked good (he really has no idea and he's also partially color blind which makes it hard for him). 

However, appearance and clothing just isn't a huge part of BF and my relationship so I guess I'm struggling with this a little. BF tells me I'm beautiful and I tell him he looks handsome, but it's rarely related to specific clothing. 

I think it's important to note that if this behavior makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to justify that feeling or validate the rest of your relationship with your FI. No one is saying you have a bad relationship, we're just commenting on the information you've made available to us and the fact that it sounds like you're at least partially uncomfortable with this. You've been with your FI for 6 years. Talk to him about it!

manateehugger

Sammyantha13 said:

@AprilH81, those are good points, thanks.  Yes I have brought up the same conversation of "you know I'm not always going to look like this..." and he always says that it doesn't matter how much weight I could gain or what I could look like, he'd love me the same.  I know he loves me for much more than my physical appearance, so I'm not worried about that.  I think my issue in the beginning (a few years ago) was more of, "why is he checking out all of these girls and telling me about it?"  But I know now that it's sincerely because of the clothes.  

We have studied the love languages together and the way he expresses his love to me is definitely through gifts and quality time.  So gifts...that makes sense why he likes buying those things for me.

He is also an officer in the military.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to other people, but I feel like it could have something to do with this.  We have gone to, and will be going to, a lot of squadron parties and balls and such where the military spouses/SO's are always looking each other up and down...

Stuck 

Also marrying a military officer. Ignore this bullshit. These people have nothing better to do. I'm stereotyping horribly (apologies to military spouses out there), but a lot of the spouses LIVE for the gossip and the judgement. You're better off not caring. 

I'm with April on everything else. 

ETA: I would not allow the fact that your FI is military to excuse this behavior. He needs to care more about you as a person than you being arm candy in front of the Colonel. My FI trusts me to clean up well when I need to. It wouldn't be a whole lot different than if I had to show up looking good at a civilian company Christmas party with the boss' boss and CEO in attendance. 

Maggie0829

PDKH said:

Sammyantha13 said:

@AprilH81, those are good points, thanks.  Yes I have brought up the same conversation of "you know I'm not always going to look like this..." and he always says that it doesn't matter how much weight I could gain or what I could look like, he'd love me the same.  I know he loves me for much more than my physical appearance, so I'm not worried about that.  I think my issue in the beginning (a few years ago) was more of, "why is he checking out all of these girls and telling me about it?"  But I know now that it's sincerely because of the clothes.  

We have studied the love languages together and the way he expresses his love to me is definitely through gifts and quality time.  So gifts...that makes sense why he likes buying those things for me.

He is also an officer in the military.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to other people, but I feel like it could have something to do with this.  We have gone to, and will be going to, a lot of squadron parties and balls and such where the military spouses/SO's are always looking each other up and down...

Stuck 

Also marrying a military officer. Ignore this bullshit. These people have nothing better to do. I'm stereotyping horribly (apologies to military spouses out there), but a lot of the spouses LIVE for the gossip and the judgement. You're better off not caring. 

I'm with April on everything else. 

@PDKH - I am sure that is true with regards to military spouses (have heard rumblings from friends in the military about this), but it is also true in the general public.  There are just some groups or friends that love to gossip and judge regardless if they are in the military or in the circus.