Kind-of WR: changing last names when you have kids

countrygirl061513

My daughter's last name has been different than mine since 2008. Now I kept her dad's name when we divorced so her and I had the same last name, but once I re-married I took his name. But after that divorce I went back to my maiden name because of the bad things that had happened during that marriage. Now that I have married again, I have his last name and my daughter still has her dad's last name. My son of course will have mine and my husband's last name once he is born. Maybe I don't see a big deal with this because my mom's last name was always different than mine since she re-married my brother's dad when I was too little to even know my last name.

But as a parent, there are times when I make decisions that I don't consult my daughter about because she is the child and honestly has no say in it. I would say that my last name is my choice and not my child's choice. I have always put her feelings first, but there are times when she gets no say in the situation. When choosing my husband, I took the way she felt about him into my decision. But again you can't go around always letting your child make the decisions because it will teach them that they will only have to do what they want. It is setting them up for major disappointments later in life. But that is just my opinion on what my job is as a parent and that involves making some hard choices sometimes that might upset them. 

singinchick13

That is a tricky situation. I have to admit, when I was a kid my parents divorced before I was 3, and my dad remarried within a year (they had been separated LONG before). He and his new wife were Mr. and Mrs. DadsLastname which is also my last name. When I was about 8 my mom told my younger sister and I that she wanted to change her name back to her maiden name and wanted to see how we would feel about it. I got upset and told her I didn't want her to have a different last name than me. We only saw her every other weekend and somehow that made it seem even worse. She decided not to change her name back.

Personally, FI and I are getting married next year. DS has his last name, as will I soon enough. We have discussed before if (God forbid) anything happened to FI or we were to separate and I was to remarry would I take another last name and if FI was no longer here would DS get my new husband's last name. I don't really know why, but I guess it's something to wonder about. I said I would never take another name or give my and his son another man's last name. I fully support this and can't see ever changing my mind. The only thing I may consider is hyphenating to keep both as my own, but I personally hate hyphenated names and would never give one to a child.

lalalorelai

I was 6 when my mom separated from my dad, and my sister was 8. My mom decided that she would keep her married name (the last name we all shared) unless all three of us decided to change our last names to her birth name, because it really mattered to her that we shared a last name. Looking back, it was mind-blowing to me that she cared that much what two young girls thought, but that's really how close we were, and still are. In the end, Mom and I both voted for changing our names back to Mom's birth last name, but my sister wanted to keep it. So we did. To this day, the fact that my mom checked in with me and took into account how I was feeling means so much. But, she never got remarried, so this particular issue never came into play with us. 

LDay: I never changed my last name when I got older, even though I wanted to, because it is a big freaking hastle. If I wanted to change it as a minor, I would need a court order. As an adult, at least where I grew up, it's very difficult to change your name "just because". It's not the same as taking a marriage license to the DMV and showing why you need to change your name. I have had the same name my whole life, and changing it would mean great difficulty for school records, employment, social security... But the fact that I have no attachment to my current last name makes it much easier (emotionally)  for me to be okay with changing my name when I get married next year. If I had changed my name to my mom's birth name, I probably would not be okay with taking my future husband's last name. 

Fran1985

Sounds like Adam is really controlling. I don't get the idea behind not telling a friend something unless its what they want to hear. That works for like coworkers maybe or distant cousins, but if its your friend? What's the point of being friends with someone that you have to tiptoe around like that, even if they are being a jerk? I'm glad your DH said something. 

DaisyMaeMommy

When FH and I get married, I'll have his last name and our daughter has his name as well. My son has Ex's last name because that's his Dad. So my son will be the "odd man out", so to speak, in our family.

If he asks questions about it when he's older, (he's 3) I will simply explain it to him.

Seems to me she needs to stop worrying about how everyone else feels and worry about what SHE feels. It's her name. She can either change it or not.

[Deleted User]

I plan on keeping my last name, mostly because in my family initials are kind of a big deal and I like mine.  I don't plan on birthing a child, but if I did, I have names picked out in my head that work better with my last name, others that work better with his, and others that might work with a hyphenate.  I do hope to someday adopt.  I will probably choose to adopt an older child or two, and depending on why they need to be adopted (are parents dead or in prison or too sick to take care of them), I plan on giving the kids the choice of changing their names in the adoption process.  They can keep their last name, take mine, take my husband's, take their dead biological mother's maiden name, take their living biological grandmother's last name, or we can as a family come up with something else that works.  I'm open to the possibilities.

trulymarvelous

MandyMost said:

Personally, I believe that there are lot of "traditions" that you can choose to do or not do however you want. Changing or not changing your name is one of these. It's a totally personal decision. 

However, more importantly, I believe that once you have children then choices you make need to take them into account first. You no longer have the leeway to just do whatever you want. Some women spend their lives daydreaming about being able to take their husbands names...but if doing so affects your children then I believe you should accept the fact that you had kids before you were married, had a failed marriage, or whatever, and that life is not all rainbows and puppies, and you can't have everything you want. 

I guess that above paragraph would be directed at Adam. He's marrying a woman with children. Life is not all puppies and rainbows. Suck it up and realize that you're not going to have the "perfect situation" you always dreamed of. Life's not perfect. 

Exactly. So why raise a child to think the world revolves around them? It's not a child's decision as to whether or not their mother changes her last name once she's found a different, more suitable partner. Their mother is still their mother whether she's Eve Smith or Eve Johnson.

She shouldn't have to sacrifice her desire to change her last name because her children don't like it. This is not a change or a sacrifice that is going to hurt them. The problem these kids seem to have is their sorry bio-dad. Mom needs to just reassure them the name change doesn't change how much they mean to her. Children need to be taught selflessness and mothers need to love themselves too.