FMIL flip-flopping on guest list - ARGH

Marzipan13

Back in September of last year, FMIL gave FI and I the list of his extended family's names, addresses, etc. FMIL categorized them by "immediate" extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.), and "extended" extended family (great aunts, great uncles, cousins, step-cousins, etc). She told us to cut who we wished to. And we did! Except for one or two "extended" extended family members (who are close to us and see us regularly), we chose to cut all great aunts, great uncles, FMIL/FFIL's cousins, my parents' cousins, etc. Our families are big enough as it is, and these are people we've never even met. We told FMIL who we cut and why, and she seemed fine with our decisions.

Fast forward to today, when FMIL tells my mom that "Aunt Doris" should be invited to the bridal shower, even though she can't make it to the actual wedding. Well, "Aunt Doris" got cut from the list, because she's a great aunt who doesn't even know who we are! FMIL assures us that "Aunt Doris" can't even make it to the wedding because of an already-planned vacation, but that's besides the point. She's not on the list, period. And it seems a bit rude to me to invite her to the shower, but then not invite her to the wedding... 

TL;DR - Do we just suck it up & invite "Aunt Doris", just because FMIL says so? (I don't want to start getting walked all over this early.) Or do we stick to our guns and keep with the original decision?


ETA: paragraphs / text box is dumb

AddieCake

No.

Marzipan13

That's what I was leaning towards, lol.   

Family stuff is weird and messy and dumb.  

huskypuppy14

Does FMIL realize that Aunt Doris isn't on the wedding list? Keep to your original decision. 

HisGirlFriday13

You may not invite to pre-wedding parties anyone who is not invited to the wedding.

Aunt Doris is not invited to the wedding.

Therefore, Aunt Doris may not be invited to the shower.

Marzipan13

Thank you - it seemed obvious to me, but idk why FMIL has to make this difficult (were FMILs put on this earth to make things difficult? I swear they were.)

Jen4948

If Aunt Doris is not invited to the wedding, then she's not invited to the shower-regardless of what your FMIL has to say about it.

2leadsingers

Marzipan13 said:

Thank you - it seemed obvious to me, but idk why FMIL has to make this difficult (were FMILs put on this earth to make things difficult? I swear they were.)

Sorry, TK won't let me respond without quoting.

 Http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5228247?ir=Weddings I would show her the article on Huffington Post today about it. That way she can only argue against someone else. 

Viczaesar

Marzipan13 said:

Back in September of last year, FMIL gave FI and I the list of his extended family's names, addresses, etc. FMIL categorized them by "immediate" extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.), and "extended" extended family (great aunts, great uncles, cousins, step-cousins, etc). She told us to cut who we wished to. And we did! Except for one or two "extended" extended family members (who are close to us and see us regularly), we chose to cut all great aunts, great uncles, FMIL/FFIL's cousins, my parents' cousins, etc. Our families are big enough as it is, and these are people we've never even met. We told FMIL who we cut and why, and she seemed fine with our decisions.

Fast forward to today, when FMIL tells my mom that "Aunt Doris" should be invited to the bridal shower, even though she can't make it to the actual wedding. Well, "Aunt Doris" got cut from the list, because she's a great aunt who doesn't even know who we are! FMIL assures us that "Aunt Doris" can't even make it to the wedding because of an already-planned vacation, but that's besides the point. She's not on the list, period. And it seems a bit rude to me to invite her to the shower, but then not invite her to the wedding... 

TL;DR - Do we just suck it up & invite "Aunt Doris", just because FMIL says so? (I don't want to start getting walked all over this early.) Or do we stick to our guns and keep with the original decision?


ETA: paragraphs / text box is dumb

It's not "a bit rude," it's extremely rude.  Only people who are invited to the actual wedding ceremony and reception can be invited to pre-wedding events, so if you decide to give in and invite her to the shower you need to also send her an invitation to the wedding itself.

Viczaesar

2leadsingers said:

Marzipan13 said:

Thank you - it seemed obvious to me, but idk why FMIL has to make this difficult (were FMILs put on this earth to make things difficult? I swear they were.)

Sorry, TK won't let me respond without quoting.

 Http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5228247?ir=Weddings I would show her the article on Huffington Post today about it. That way she can only argue against someone else. 

Some of those "ironclad rules" are complete bullshit, but at least they're right about this one.

Marzipan13

I guess I could've phrased this differently... obviously it's very rude to invite her to the shower, but not the wedding.  

I'm confused as to how to handle FMIL's request - do FI and I just invite Aunt Doris to the wedding, per FMIL's request, because FMIL/FFIL are paying for some of the wedding, even though we already told FMIL we're cutting Aunt Doris?  Or do we stand firm and stick it to the original plan of not inviting her?    

HisGirlFriday13

Marzipan13 said:

I guess I could've phrased this differently... obviously it's very rude to invite her to the shower, but not the wedding.  

I'm confused as to how to handle FMIL's request - do FI and I just invite Aunt Doris to the wedding, per FMIL's request, because FMIL/FFIL are paying for some of the wedding, even though we already told FMIL we're cutting Aunt Doris?  Or do we stand firm and stick it to the original plan of not inviting her?    

Stick to the original plan. Do not open the flood gates.

Marzipan13

Aaaaaaand this morning, before either of us could talk to her, she asked Aunt Doris if she'd be offended by getting invited only to the shower & not the wedding itself.  
I found this out because she told me that she did this.    

I just... I don't even....   

Edited: spelling

HisGirlFriday13

Oh mother of God.

If FMIL isn't paying, tell her, 'FMIL, I wish you had consulted us because you really spoke out of turn and whether Aunt Doris is OK with being invited to the shower only is irrelevant because we are not OK with this etiquette faux pas and having her invites to the shower without being invited to the wedding and we are not changing our position on inviting her to the wedding.'

[Deleted User]

This is my nightmare.  The day I get engaged, and I mean the minute, I'm going to have to go over all wedding etiquette rules with my mother.  Don't talk about the wedding with anybody.  Don't talk about a wedding shower with anybody.  You may mention that I'm engaged, but if asked for additional details, you don't know anything.  And I will tell her this once a week.

SP29

Yikes!

Stick to your guns. You let the gate open for one person, and before you know you've got an extra 10 people on your guest list.

I would tell her what HGF13 said. Let her know you are not comfortable inviting anyone to any pre-wedding parties who is not also being invited to the wedding. And on that matter, you have established the guest list already based on your budget and your wants and the list is closed for discussion. 

Marzipan13

Ugh.  Thanks guys, we plan on talking to her about this tonight.

(Why, for God's sake, would you ask someone if they'll be offended if you do something they could be offended by?  I wasn't raised by royalty, but I wasn't raised in a barn either - I'd like to think I have a good grasp of what's in poor form and what isn't.  I just can't wrap my head around FMIL's courses of action.)

[Deleted User]

Marzipan13 said:

Ugh.  Thanks guys, we plan on talking to her about this tonight.

(Why, for God's sake, would you ask someone if they'll be offended if you do something they could be offended by?  I wasn't raised by royalty, but I wasn't raised in a barn either - I'd like to think I have a good grasp of what's in poor form and what isn't.  I just can't wrap my head around FMIL's courses of action.)

I was raised by a woman who would do exactly that, ask someone if they'd be offended.  Her reasoning is that if she's not offended, nobody else would be either.  Like I said, my nightmare.  Good luck!

Marzipan13

I think she's justifying it because Aunt Doris can't come to the wedding anyway, so she wouldn't be offended if we didn't send her an invite.  Which to me says... she already invited Aunt Doris by word of mouth, prompting Aunt Doris to say "Oh, I have a trip scheduled that weekend, I can't make it".  It's a vicious cycle and I'm sick of it.  SICK OF IT.

PrettyGirlLost

adk19 said:

This is my nightmare.  The day I get engaged, and I mean the minute, I'm going to have to go over all wedding etiquette rules with my mother.  Don't talk about the wedding with anybody.  Don't talk about a wedding shower with anybody.  You may mention that I'm engaged, but if asked for additional details, you don't know anything.  And I will tell her this once a week.

Lol it's Fight Club!

First rule about the Wedding, you don't talk about the Wedding!