Mother of the Bride Nightmare

nascar02zp

So I need a bit of advise to handle the Mother of the bride. My fiancee and I are getting married in August and are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My Fiancee's mother has been issue after issue since last August when she wasn't going to go with my fiancee and the rest of her friends/family to go wedding dress shopping. Long story short, I set her in place and she twisted the story around to where she was suddenly a victim in this and that she was coming after all and would sacrifice a weeks worth of not working (shes a long haul truck driver) for us for the day. She loves to guilt trip everybody in the family and blow everything out of proportion.

Now that we are 4 months from the wedding, she has started searching for a dress for the wedding and has settled on two dresses. One of them is all white and the other one is all purple. Our wedding colors are Black, White and Purple. We keep telling her that those are the three colors she needs to stay away from. The bridesmaids are all wearing purple dresses so we dont want her to match them and the bride is the only one who should wear an all white dress. We have had about 6 people now all tell her to pick a new dress and she just laughs and says my fiancee is just being a bridezilla. My question is how much should we continue to press the matter? I mean we should get somewhat of a say that she should respect considering that we are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, right?

Second issue now is with the father of the bride and his guest. The father of the bride is her adoptive father from her mothers second marriage and adopted her legally when she was about 6 years old. The mother of the bride (who by the way is on her 4th marriage now) hates the father of the bride and doesn't want him at the wedding and certainly not walking the bride down the aisle and is demanding that she be walking the bride down the aisle herself. Also she is threateneing that if the father of the bride does come, that he is not allowed to bring his girlfriend to the wedding otherwise the mother of the bride will refuse to come to the wedding at all, although when we questioned that she shouldn't be able to bring her current husband then under the same concept, she got immensely pissed. The mother of the bride hasn't even been told yet that we are also inviting my fiancee's real father, new wife and children (brides half-siblings) to the wedding, where we are sure she will blow her lid when she hears that news. So my main question on this I guess is when and/or how should we tell the Mother that these people are in fact all coming and that the father of the bride will be walking the bride down the aisle and that her job at the wedding is to do nothing more than sit there, look beautiful, and be supportive of the Bride on her wedding day. We have been told by some people, including my mother, that since she can't respect us and/or any of our decisions for the wedding, why stress over telling her anything and let her find out at the wedding. I would like to avoid a conflict AT the wedding if possible so we are planing on telling her beforehand. We were planing to wait until after the Bridal shower in June which would give her about 2 months to get over our decisions. What do you think?

AddieCake

nascar02zp said:

So I need a bit of advise to handle the Mother of the bride. My fiancee and I are getting married in August and are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My Fiancee's mother has been issue after issue since last August when she wasn't going to go with my fiancee and the rest of her friends/family to go wedding dress shopping. Long story short, I set her in place and she twisted the story around to where she was suddenly a victim in this and that she was coming after all and would sacrifice a weeks worth of not working (shes a long haul truck driver) for us for the day. She loves to guilt trip everybody in the family and blow everything out of proportion.

Now that we are 4 months from the wedding, she has started searching for a dress for the wedding and has settled on two dresses. One of them is all white and the other one is all purple. Our wedding colors are Black, White and Purple. We keep telling her that those are the three colors she needs to stay away from. The bridesmaids are all wearing purple dresses so we dont want her to match them and the bride is the only one who should wear an all white dress. We have had about 6 people now all tell her to pick a new dress and she just laughs and says my fiancee is just being a bridezilla. My question is how much should we continue to press the matter? I mean we should get somewhat of a say that she should respect considering that we are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, right?

Second issue now is with the father of the bride and his guest. The father of the bride is her adoptive father from her mothers second marriage and adopted her legally when she was about 6 years old. The mother of the bride (who by the way is on her 4th marriage now) hates the father of the bride and doesn't want him at the wedding and certainly not walking the bride down the aisle and is demanding that she be walking the bride down the aisle herself. Also she is threateneing that if the father of the bride does come, that he is not allowed to bring his girlfriend to the wedding otherwise the mother of the bride will refuse to come to the wedding at all, although when we questioned that she shouldn't be able to bring her current husband then under the same concept, she got immensely pissed. The mother of the bride hasn't even been told yet that we are also inviting my fiancee's real father, new wife and children (brides half-siblings) to the wedding, where we are sure she will blow her lid when she hears that news. So my main question on this I guess is when and/or how should we tell the Mother that these people are in fact all coming and that the father of the bride will be walking the bride down the aisle and that her job at the wedding is to do nothing more than sit there, look beautiful, and be supportive of the Bride on her wedding day. We have been told by some people, including my mother, that since she can't respect us and/or any of our decisions for the wedding, why stress over telling her anything and let her find out at the wedding. I would like to avoid a conflict AT the wedding if possible so we are planing on telling her beforehand. We were planing to wait until after the Bridal shower in June which would give her about 2 months to get over our decisions. What do you think?

Why are you handling her? She is your fiancee's mother, so your fiancee should be handling her. She doesn't need to stay away from any colors. She is not in the wedding party; therefore, she gets to choose whatever she wants to wear. What she wears will not affect you AT ALL. And I say this as someone whose stepmother wore a long, sparkly, ivory gown to my wedding, the same dress she married my father in a few months prior. 

She needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with her ex. If you two are paying for the wedding, she gets no say in who attends or who walks her daughter down the aisle. If she chooses to miss her daughter's wedding b/c she is being petty, then that's on her. 

You tell her this next time she brings it up. 

nascar02zp

I got involved because 1. My fiancee has a difficult time standing up to people, especially her mother and 2. because my fiancee and I are a team and we support each other. We don't just sit by when something happens to the other that they are not able to take care of themselves, we support and assist each other. I set her mother in place because she was informed about the event 3 months in advance so she could make the appropriate arrangements to ensure that she was home for it, at which she kept informing us that she had everything planned and that she would be there no matter what, and then she got lazy two weeks prior to the event and didn't get on the road (long haul trucker mind you) when she should of which was going to put her behind schedule to be home for our event. My Fiancee was heartbroken and cried for 2 hours after she got off the phone with her and got the news that she wasn't going to be there, not because she couldn't but because she didn't want to stay home for a week because she messed up her own schedule. There was much more to this situation that I didn't state above, and still haven't stated because this issue is dead and didn't need to be debated here.

As for the dress colors, take it then that WE don't want her in those colors. Her mother is trying to take the spotlight of her daughter on her daughters wedding day. Eyes should be on the Bride, not the mother of the bride. And it also affects us because we don't want to see the MOB in the same color dress as the bridesmaids in all of our wedding photos.

Jen4948

Thing is, it's really not up to you what colors anyone wears-not even the MOB.  Despite her not acting like an adult in other areas, where her attire is concerned she is an adult.    It's also not up to you what others should look like in the photos.  This is one you need to let go.

As far as your FFIL is concerned, I'd invite him anyway along with his new family and your FMIL will need to suck it up.  You can hire security to escort her out if she makes any inappropriate remarks or scenes.  This is one area your FMIL is not allowed to control.

All that said, I'd stop sharing details of the wedding with your FMIL.  Don't let her pay for anything, because she who pays gets a say.

Maggie0829

nascar02zp said:

So I need a bit of advise to handle the Mother of the bride. My fiancee and I are getting married in August and are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My Fiancee's mother has been issue after issue since last August when she wasn't going to go with my fiancee and the rest of her friends/family to go wedding dress shopping. Long story short, I set her in place and she twisted the story around to where she was suddenly a victim in this and that she was coming after all and would sacrifice a weeks worth of not working (shes a long haul truck driver) for us for the day. She loves to guilt trip everybody in the family and blow everything out of proportion.

Now that we are 4 months from the wedding, she has started searching for a dress for the wedding and has settled on two dresses. One of them is all white and the other one is all purple. Our wedding colors are Black, White and Purple. We keep telling her that those are the three colors she needs to stay away from. The bridesmaids are all wearing purple dresses so we dont want her to match them and the bride is the only one who should wear an all white dress. We have had about 6 people now all tell her to pick a new dress and she just laughs and says my fiancee is just being a bridezilla. My question is how much should we continue to press the matter? I mean we should get somewhat of a say that she should respect considering that we are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, right?

Second issue now is with the father of the bride and his guest. The father of the bride is her adoptive father from her mothers second marriage and adopted her legally when she was about 6 years old. The mother of the bride (who by the way is on her 4th marriage now) hates the father of the bride and doesn't want him at the wedding and certainly not walking the bride down the aisle and is demanding that she be walking the bride down the aisle herself. Also she is threateneing that if the father of the bride does come, that he is not allowed to bring his girlfriend to the wedding otherwise the mother of the bride will refuse to come to the wedding at all, although when we questioned that she shouldn't be able to bring her current husband then under the same concept, she got immensely pissed. The mother of the bride hasn't even been told yet that we are also inviting my fiancee's real father, new wife and children (brides half-siblings) to the wedding, where we are sure she will blow her lid when she hears that news. So my main question on this I guess is when and/or how should we tell the Mother that these people are in fact all coming and that the father of the bride will be walking the bride down the aisle and that her job at the wedding is to do nothing more than sit there, look beautiful, and be supportive of the Bride on her wedding day. We have been told by some people, including my mother, that since she can't respect us and/or any of our decisions for the wedding, why stress over telling her anything and let her find out at the wedding. I would like to avoid a conflict AT the wedding if possible so we are planing on telling her beforehand. We were planing to wait until after the Bridal shower in June which would give her about 2 months to get over our decisions. What do you think?

You set her in her place?  Really?  I can't imagine why that ended badly.  *rolling eyes*

She can wear whatever the hell she wants to wear.  You have ZERO control over her attire.  ZERO. She is a guest at your wedding and she is also an adult.  She can choose what she wants to wear all by herself and does not have to run it by you.

Third bolded - Hello judgmental!

As for the "who will walk the bride down the aisle" drama.  Since you and the bride are paying you have say over the guest list.  If the bride wants her biological father to walk her down the aisle then that is fine.  If her Mother refuses to come because of it, then that is her loss.

I would have the bride tell her Mother that her Father, his wife and his kids are invited to the wedding and that her biological Father will be walking her down the aisle.  I agree that I would not just let her find out at the wedding.  Once the bride tells her Mom this, have your bride tell her Mom that she loves her and wants her there but if she cannot put differences aside for one day then she will be missed.

Finally, YOU should not be dealing with the MOB.  It is your brides Mother, she should be speaking with her.  This person is going to be family whether you like it or not and you "putting her in her place" was beyond rude and insulting so I doubt anything else you do will be well received.

Yes you and the bride are a unit, but you should support your bride in regards to helping her feel comfortable talking to her Mom, not stepping in and doing it for her.

Maggie0829

nascar02zp said:

I got involved because 1. My fiancee has a difficult time standing up to people, especially her mother and 2. because my fiancee and I are a team and we support each other. We don't just sit by when something happens to the other that they are not able to take care of themselves, we support and assist each other. I set her mother in place because she was informed about the event 3 months in advance so she could make the appropriate arrangements to ensure that she was home for it, at which she kept informing us that she had everything planned and that she would be there no matter what, and then she got lazy two weeks prior to the event and didn't get on the road (long haul trucker mind you) when she should of which was going to put her behind schedule to be home for our event. My Fiancee was heartbroken and cried for 2 hours after she got off the phone with her and got the news that she wasn't going to be there, not because she couldn't but because she didn't want to stay home for a week because she messed up her own schedule. There was much more to this situation that I didn't state above, and still haven't stated because this issue is dead and didn't need to be debated here.

As for the dress colors, take it then that WE don't want her in those colors. Her mother is trying to take the spotlight of her daughter on her daughters wedding day. Eyes should be on the Bride, not the mother of the bride. And it also affects us because we don't want to see the MOB in the same color dress as the bridesmaids in all of our wedding photos.

I have ONE picture of my Mom with my MOH and that is only because my MOH was my sister.  The parents were in zero of our wedding party pictures.  Zero.  You need to get the fuck over the dress.

Bubblegum5586

I personally always think its looks so nice when the MOB (and MOG) match the bridal party. The dress is usually a different length or material or cut so everyone clearly knows the difference between the MOB and WP. Although I find it completely annoying and rude when the MOB wears white BUT as PP you can't tell her what to where. I think at this point encourage the purple dress as I think that would look great! And as PP said above the only picture my mom is in with my MOH is because my MOH was my sister!

MairePoppy

First of all, your fi should be dealing with her issues with her mother. You should be encouraging her to stand up for herself and offering support, rather than taking the lead.  At the very least, she should be able to state her opinion and walk away. As an adult, she shouldn't be acting like a helpless creature who needs you to deal with her big, bad mommy.

The mothers, just as all the other guests, get to decide on what they will wear to the wedding.  It's a long held tradition that only the bride wears white. Many of us still hold fast to that rule. If your FMIL shows up in white for her daughter's wedding, she will look like a fool. The guests will sympathize with the bride. But there is no chance that she will steal the spotlight from the bride. There's no rule that the MOB or MOG shouldn't wear the same color as the wedding party. You may not want her to do so, but it's not your right to tell her that she can't wear purple. You also can't restrict the other guests from wearing purple. 

There's no need for anyone to break it to MOB that her daughter's fathers and their partners will be invited to the wedding. MOB should assume that is the case. You should just put them on the guest list and send the invite. If MOB threatens not to attend if so and so is going to be there, tell her she will be missed. Don't discuss it with her.

It sounds like your FMIL is trying to get your goat. Why let her have the satisfaction of knowing that she has succeeded?

Rebl90

This is not your issue and you should not be addressing your FMIL regarding any of this. If your FI is old enough to get married then she is old enough to have a serious conversation with her mother.

kmmssg

I am a 4 time MOB typing on my phone, which i really hate. I am going to be blunt
First, lose the "i put her in her place line". If your FI can't stand up for herself the worst thing you can do is interject yourself like that. She needs to grow up.
Second, it is none of your business what color her dress is. If that is a problem you are worrying about all the wrong things. My mom died when I was 10 and I would kill.for any kind of.picture of her at my wedding. Worry about something that really is problem
Third, WHY do you feed her issues? If she threatens not to come, tell her she will be misssd and end the.conversation.
Stop.playing strongman for your FI and let her fight her own nattles.

lovesclimbing

My BMs were all in eggplant. Every. single. member. of H and my families wore purple. My parents, my brother, three of my four grandparents, H's parents, H's three siblings, H's two grandparents.  It looked great in photos!

singinchick13

Ditto other PP's, you cannot tell her what to wear. BUT if it means that much to you and you will be that upset about it you can tell her that if she chooses to wear one of those colours she will not be in any of your photos. That's what I would do, and keep in mind I have an extremely difficult family as well that will never understand anything on the basis of logic, so ultimatums like this are necessary. Count your blessings that she has actually agreed to attend. My mother has taken herself off of my guestlist due to prioritizing others over her own children.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

My mother is wearing white.  I honestly don't see the big deal.  You can't tell people what to wear.  Support your bride but don't be her voice.  She needs to talk to her own mother, not hide behind you.  Let her wear whatever the heck she wants.