Univiting a former bridal party person

amcjbb

If you have to tell someone that they are no longer part of your wedding party, because of their constant negativity towards your wedding.  Is it okay, if not understood that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding anymore?  I just don't want to take the risk of them showing up and being openly negative about my wedding on the day of.

princessleia22

 

amcjbb said:

If you have to tell someone that they are no longer part of your wedding party, because of their constant negativity towards your wedding.  Is it okay, if not understood that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding anymore?  I just don't want to take the risk of them showing up and being openly negative about my wedding on the day of.

If you spend any time looking at this forum, you will quickly find that it is not appropriate to kick someone out of bridal party or un-invite from wedding.  Kicking out of bridal party is probably already a friendship ending move and uninviting from wedding would guarantee that.

I would say to just talk to them and tell them to stop it with the negativity. Or, depending on the situation, maybe listen to their point of view and see if they actually have a basis behind their negative opinion. Are they negative from their own experiences? Then they shouldn't be pushing it on you. If they are negative about your wedding because your FI beats you, is unemployed, a drug user, alcoholic, etc., then maybe you need to listen and seriously think about their concerns.  A lot of times if people are being negative about your relationship, there's usually something behind it that people "in love" are too blind to clearly see. 

Maggie0829

If you no longer wish to be friends with this person then uninvite away.  Because that is exactly what will happen when you 1) kick them out of your wedding and 2) uninvite them from your wedding.

I am interested to hear how they are being negative towards your wedding though.

CMGragain

This is a friendship ending move, and will cause people to wonder about you.  There is no polite way to do this, and I recommend that you don't do it.

amcjbb

She is also engaged and wants to have a small, basically civil ceremony wedding which is fine by me, because it is not my wedding.  My fiance and I have big families and are having a big wedding and that bothers her.  She doesn't like big weddings and thinks they are stupid and pointless.  At first she was fine as MOH and at the end of her being in that position she was very negative about my other bridesmaids and rude to them, showed up to appointments late, was negative about every aspect of my wedding.  I tried to explain to her that just like with her wedding I don't care if she does it big or small wedding because it is not my day, and not my life.  I explained that my choices of flowers, and number of guests don't affect her but she was very rude and the only stressful part of my planning.  She was "kicking and screaming" so much that I finally had to say fine, you don't have to do it anymore.

KatWAG

amcjbb said:

She is also engaged and wants to have a small, basically civil ceremony wedding which is fine by me, because it is not my wedding.  My fiance and I have big families and are having a big wedding and that bothers her.  She doesn't like big weddings and thinks they are stupid and pointless.  At first she was fine as MOH and at the end of her being in that position she was very negative about my other bridesmaids and rude to them, showed up to appointments late, was negative about every aspect of my wedding.  I tried to explain to her that just like with her wedding I don't care if she does it big or small wedding because it is not my day, and not my life.  I explained that my choices of flowers, and number of guests don't affect her but she was very rude and the only stressful part of my planning.  She was "kicking and screaming" so much that I finally had to say fine, you don't have to do it anymore.

That doesnt really sound like enough to kick her out of your bridal party. She is/was your MOH, which means she isyour best friend. Adn you two cant get over differing opinions on wedding style? Really? Sounds like there is more to this story.

Maggie0829

amcjbb said:

She is also engaged and wants to have a small, basically civil ceremony wedding which is fine by me, because it is not my wedding.  My fiance and I have big families and are having a big wedding and that bothers her.  She doesn't like big weddings and thinks they are stupid and pointless.  At first she was fine as MOH and at the end of her being in that position she was very negative about my other bridesmaids and rude to them, showed up to appointments late, was negative about every aspect of my wedding.  I tried to explain to her that just like with her wedding I don't care if she does it big or small wedding because it is not my day, and not my life.  I explained that my choices of flowers, and number of guests don't affect her but she was very rude and the only stressful part of my planning.  She was "kicking and screaming" so much that I finally had to say fine, you don't have to do it anymore.

So she doesn't like your wedding plans.  She doesn't have too.  

This all sounds like such immature, high school, bullshit drama to me.

amcjbb

Thanks for the information.  I don't care if someone simply doesn't like what I am doing they don't need to.  It was how opinionated she was about her distaste of everything, even her duties as an MOH.  She didn't want to do ANY MOH duties, even smiling in photos was too much to ask for according to her.  Thanks for the advice.

manateehugger

amcjbb said:

Thanks for the information.  I don't care if someone simply doesn't like what I am doing they don't need to.  It was how opinionated she was about her distaste of everything, even her duties as an MOH.  She didn't want to do ANY MOH duties, even smiling in photos was too much to ask for according to her.  Thanks for the advice.

My guess is she got so sick about you harping on her made-up duties (read: MOH's don't have duties except to show up and stand there), that she started being negative and antagonistic for you. Weddings shouldn't result in ended friendships if people remember that they are friends first, brides second. 

Don't invite her, but expect that your friendship with her will be utterly destroyed and there will likely be all sorts of gossip. 

lyndausvi

CMGragain said:

This is a friendship ending move, and will cause people to wonder about you.  There is no polite way to do this, and I recommend that you don't do it.

yep.

amcjbb

Okay.  I knew when I asked her that she wasn't super girly girl and all WEDDINGS YAY!  We agreed on the few duties she would do, because I cut down the MOH duties significantly because of her feelings.  Then she was negative about those few duties.  At the end her entire duties were stand for pictures and make a speech, because she didn't want to much else.  Either way, in my heart I know I did what was right and that I know it seems crazy that it was just her.  It really was, she even said that in our conversations that she wants to be selfish and asinine in her life towards others.  I am not the bride that harps, nags, or pushes things on my WP that they are not comfortable with.  Everything is a discussion and group decision.   Because you are right, friends first.  It's the fact that she admitted to being a bad friend and not being willing to do anything MOH wise.  I don't believe in kicking someone out of your wedding unless they are being heinous and she was.  

Maggie0829

amcjbb said:

Okay.  I knew when I asked her that she wasn't super girly girl and all WEDDINGS YAY!  We agreed on the few duties she would do, because I cut down the MOH duties significantly because of her feelings.  Then she was negative about those few duties.  At the end her entire duties were stand for pictures and make a speech, because she didn't want to much else.  Either way, in my heart I know I did what was right and that I know it seems crazy that it was just her.  It really was, she even said that in our conversations that she wants to be selfish and asinine in her life towards others.  I am not the bride that harps, nags, or pushes things on my WP that they are not comfortable with.  Everything is a discussion and group decision.   Because you are right, friends first.  It's the fact that she admitted to being a bad friend and not being willing to do anything MOH wise.  I don't believe in kicking someone out of your wedding unless they are being heinous and she was.  

First, I am not sure what other duties you cut out, but all a MOH has to do is buy the dress, smile for pictures and that is it.  She does not have to make a speech and she does not have to do anything else that you may deem a duty.

I am sorry but I still think you were in the wrong.  You apparently had high expectations of this friend and she probably was irritated by you thinking that she had specific duties when in fact she does not.

In the end, it seems like you threw away a friendship because this person didn't want to be the MOH you have always imagined having.  And that is sad.

KatWAG

@amcjbb how old are you?

amcjbb

@Maggie0829 You seem kinda judgy.  Even our mutual friends agree with my decisions.  I don't harp and I don't nag.  I am not some immature and young bride.  If you look on any bridal website, it has a long list of duties for MOH.  Maybe you don't need all that, I don't.  We cut it down to dress, pictures and toast, because she loves giving speeches.  I am not in the wrong here at all.  It was a mutual decision for her to not be in it, I just was the one to say it.  It wasn't about her duties of a MOH.  I let her out of the party, because she made me feel bad about wanting and having a wedding.  She cut me and my choices down at every turn.  I couldn't sleep at night I was so upset by her actions, but I wanted her to be part of my special day.  However, she made it clear that she didn't want to be included and couldn't be there in the most basic way of just being happy and loving toward your friend.  She told me straight up that she couldn't be happy for me and ignore my choice to have a big wedding.   I am happy with my decision and I know in my heart that I did the right thing.  What I strive to do like everyone else should is not judge people and say it must be all your fault.  That is mean.  I don't blame or judge her for who she is, I just can't have the constant negativity at my wedding.  Besides, she told me months ago, when we were fine and she was my MOH that she is doing a small wedding and that I wouldn't be invited because it would only be family.  Which is fine, it was her choice and it wasn't personal.  I just supported what she wanted, even though it was sad to think I wouldn't see her get married at that time. It wasn't my choice.

ANYWAY,  I will no longer be looking here I have the answer I was looking for.  Thank you to all who gave advice and were not judgemental!

Kauris

Since you have clearly decided to kick out your MOH, please don't "appoint" another BM to that "title." It would be rude and inappropriate. You clearly didn't like the answers you got, but they are spot on. BMs don't have duties, regardless of what websites will have you believe. Yes, there are lovely things that they can offer to do, but there is nothing obligatory about being a BM besides wearing the dress, showing up sober and smiling for some photos. 

Please realize that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and for that reason, you are doing this girl a favor by ending your friendship. And yes, people will talk about you. Maybe not to your face, but they will. I've seen it happen more times than I can count. Also, Maggie was not being judgmental, she is simply telling you what your friends are probably actually thinking, but don't want to say, because they don't want to be next on your chopping block.