NWR- I feel like such a bitch/vent

Chipmunk415

Bit of Background is necessary here....

For those who didn't see my post on Chit Chat, BIL died one month and 2 days after our wedding. He was 2 months and a few days younger than me. DH was devastated, SMIL, FIL, extended family, and BIL's Fiancee (who found him at their home) are devastated. Service was the Sunday before Easter. He would have gotten married in 5 months, and they'd just booked the honeymoon. Today marks 3 weeks from date of death. That Friday would have been their mother's 54th bday. I say would have been, bc this past Sunday was the 16th anniversary of her death (car accident).

I'm looking into counseling for DH, (he's agreed to sit down with someone; says he's fine, but I know he's feeling big bro guilt, despite the 5 year age difference, since the jerk minister told him at his mother's funeral it was HIS FAULT she died due to his being a problem kid as a 16 year old). Getting info for Compassionate Friends for FIL and SMIL for when they are ready. 

Holding it together myself....but....I feel like a total bitch. Here's why.

BIL was a night shift nurse (as was FSIL). BIL had a known habit of drinking beers then taking Ambien to sleep. All of us commented to him and to FSIL that it was not a good idea to do that, but he did it anyway. From what FSIL and detectives said, there was a whole bunch of medication around BIL (he was in the bathroom when FSIL found him). FSIL, before leaving, mentioned there were other medications in the house. Normally stuff they accidentally bring home in their pockets (an aspirin tab, an extra syringe).

 But when SMIL and I checked everything, we found a number of vials of anesthetics, some anti nausea stuff that's normally given to cancer patients, and a drug that if used incorrectly, will cause the heart to beat too fast and shortly thereafter, stop. That drug was found on the dresser, behind the mirror, and a used syringe and needle were on the dresser. As I've come to find out, BIL might have had a saline bag hooked up to him at time of death. BIL and FSIL apparently regularly gave each other IVs, either for fluids when they were sick, or to help with hangovers. All of these drugs were from the hospital, and none should have left the hospital- or they should have been immediately returned.

I'm furious.

 I can't go into too much detail, but it's becoming clear FSIL knew and/or participated in BIL's use of these medications for assistance in sleep or illicit purposes. I'm angry at BIL for knowing that this behavior was dangerous, but being so stupid/reckless/arrogant that he made a major error and it cost him his life. 

We won't know for a while what the toxicology report will show, but it's looking highly likely that BIL took something he shouldn't have, and died because of it. I know if he could see how much it hurt everyone to lose him, he would never have done such a stupid thing. But I'm angry at him. He knew better, and he did it anyway. I am able to speak calmly and rationally with family (SMIL and DH have admitted they are pissed at him if he did in fact do something this stupid and caused us this much pain) about the matter, but inside, I wish I had him in front of me so I could beat the shit out of him. I'd also like to smack FSIL a few times, as everything shows she KNEW what he was up to, may have used some stuff inappropriately himself, and yet she did nothing to try to stop him, get him treatment, etc. I know she's going to carry guilt and pain over this the rest of her life, but I'm still angry at her.

And that's why I feel like a bitch. I'm angry, but I feel guilty, as there is nothing I can do to change the fact that BIL is gone and it is going to be a long time before I see him again. I feel better having vented this out on the forum, but my in laws have asked for my assistance in finding out what documents still need to be filed with the probate court. I will have to be able to go over everything with them without blowing up about BIL and his completely jackass moronic decision to take something he should not have.

Am I a bitch for being angry? Does this make me a horrible person? I miss BIL, but my whole focus is on taking care of DH- he already lost his mom, and the events that followed messed him up for a long time. I don't want my anger to poison his good memories of good times with his brother, the last of which were celebrating with us at our wedding.

NYCMercedes

I am so very sorry you and your new family are going through this devastating loss. You definitely are not a bitch. If he was messing around, he caused all this pain to you and your loved ones and you have every right to be angry. Anger is one normal part of grief. It's going to take a long time and you're going to be experiencing a multitude of emotions. Take care of yourself.

tortoisebride

:hugs: No, you're not a bitch at all. Of course you're angry. This is a horrible situation all around. There's tragic and then there's stupid. If he died because he was fooling around with stolen medications from a hospital, that's stupid at best and a lot of other things at worst. I am so sorry that you're going through this. People feel angry when people they love die by accident; if your BIL died partly as a result of his own deliberate actions with the full knowledge of your FSIL, then yeah, you have every right to be angry.

While you are looking for therapy for your husband, you need to talk to someone too. Yeah, he's not your brother, but you are clearly every bit as affected by these events as everyone else in the family. You really need to talk to someone besides us, someone who can help you work through this. Even if you weren't feeling absolutely furious along with your grief, you would do well to see someone anyway because you are, as you say, "holding it together" for everyone else. Don't forget to take care of your own grief.

JCbride2015

You have my sympathies.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  From everything you've posted, it sounds like he and FSIL made some bad decisions and he paid with his life.  It sounds stupid and reckless and like you have every right to be angry.  You're sure to feel a huge spectrum of emotions over the next weeks, months, and years.  That doesn't make you a bitch at all.  Just means you are processing what happens.

I know you are going to be working hard to take care of DH and his family during this time.  Just make sure that you take care of yourself, too.

ohannabelle

No, not a bitch at all. It's very very normal to be angry during the grieving process. I was a member of Compassionate Friends for a few years, and some of the deepest anger I've ever witnessed was from parents whose child had died due to his/her own bad choices. It's fine to be angry.

It sounds like you 're taking care of your family, but don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

Simply Fated

Anger is a normal, human emotion. It honestly just means you care enough to BE angry or to feel any emotion, for that matter.


Definitely consider talking to someone, too, if you haven't considered if already.

I'm so sorry for what happened.

chibiyui

You're not a bitch, anger is normal, and I also think you should look into talking with somebody. 

*hugs*

CMGragain

Anger is a normal, healthy reaction.  Sooner or later I hope your DH will experience it, too. 

I am angry at my Mother.  She died in October, expressing love and affection to her nurses and food servers, but not one word of affection to me.  She lied to us for years about the money she had, and kept poor-mouthing about how she couldn't afford anything.  She didn't trust me with the truth - a half million dollar estate.

Considering that my relationship with my mother was always strained (She was a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder.)  it is no wonder that I feel angry.

I have a choice.  Do I turn the anger inward (my usual method of coping) or express it?   People with normal families do not understand. 
Find someone you can confide in.  Keeping it to yourself is very unhealthy.  Your DH cannot deal with it right now.  He has his own feelings to sort out.  I think eventually he will be able to recognize and express anger for what was a needless death.
Don't blame your FFSIL too much.  She may have been his enabler, but she didn't put the pills into his mouth and force him to swallow.  She has her own burden to carry.

HisGirlFriday13

I am so very, very, very sorry.

And I ditto PPs -- you're not a bitch. Anger is a very normal reaction to this kind of situation. It's a lot easier to mourn someone who died through no fault of their own (an elderly relative, the person driving home who was hit by a drunk driver, someone who got cancer, etc.) than it is to mourn someone who killed themselves by being stupid.

Every year on the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death, I get INFURIATED by the 'taken from us too soon,' crap. That man died, and left behind three young children, because he was a selfish jackhole who couldn't be bothered to get clean for his kids' sake.

And I realise that's not the same thing as a relative -- like, not at all the same thing -- but it is completely normal for you to feel what you're feeling.

I think it's good you're going to get your DH into counselling, because he's going to have a whole host of emotions -- anger that his brother was stupid, guilt for feeling angry, sadness that his brother is gone, etc. -- and he's going to need a professional to work through them. 

DH recently did some counselling to deal with some of the bullshit from his family, and it helped ENORMOUSLY because it enabled him to see that it's OK to be fucking furious with people, including people you (at least at one time) loved.

I ditto CMGragain -- you need someone to talk to, your DH needs someone to talk to, and your FFSIL is going to have her own cross to carry in this whole mess.

Again -- I am so, so, so, SO sorry for your loss and these emotions and this burden. (((HUGS)))

grumbledore

I think it's okay to be angry.  I don't think that makes you a bitch or a bad person.  Especially since this is causing your husband so much pain.  I'd be angry too.

doeydo

Just want to say my mom is a nurse, and she never "accidentally" brings home any medication or syringes...  
ETA it is probably normal for people to feel a whole range of emotions after a person passes, especially if it was the person's own fault for doing 'something stupid'.

PrincessOfHavoc

Not a bitch. BIL may have been a lovely person 99% of the time, but he played stupid and lost. FSIL may be facing legal repercussions if she knew and assisted. There's nothing good at all. You miss him because he's family, but there's no one who pisses you off like family.

But I'm the one who called certain family members various vile names at my mother's funeral. DF shouldn't have attended as we aren't married. Then how I willfully deprived her of grandchildren. So I may not be a good judge on character.

Please talk to someone also!

tortoisebride

derp nevermind, I just figured it out. Ignore this post.

B0320

You and your family have my sympathies for you loss *hugs*

And I'll ditto what PP's have said. Anger is a normal and healthy part of the grieving process. Its wonderful that your DH is going to talk to a counselor and I highly recommend you do so as well. Grief isn't an easy emotion because so many other emotions are wrapped up within it and talking to someone will help unravel those emotions in a healthy way.