Wedding Etiquette Forum

Devastating..devastated!

I know some of you are aware of this incredibly difficult year that I/we have been experiencing, especially the last few months concerning FMIL. She has now gone missing. Completely "vanished." Last seen Sunday evening and last phone conversation was Tues afternoon. The only lead we have is that she was picked up by a taxi and driven to a somewhat remote area where she asked him to just drop her off. There are 2 stores on this island where the parking lot is center. The footage from both stores surveillance cameras were reviewed and she did not enter either store. Neither store has cameras outside so they have no footage of where she went/direction. Basically, this area is surrounded by thick, thick mangroves, deep and shallow canals that lead out to the gulf of Mexico. 3 days of air, foot and marine search and nothing. She has no money, no wallet, no clothes missing from her closet. She took her medications and cell phone but no charger. The last "activity" from her cell was 1.5 hours after she was dropped off and then the phone went "silent." "Silent" meaning when a "ping" was sent it didnt work because  either her phone was in water or because the battery died. Phone was not manually powered off.

Visual from choppers is not possible because the mangroves are so think. By foot, they can not enter deep in the mangroves without the Marines or Navy seals because there are poisonous snakes and alligators. The authorities who have jurisdiction told our local investigating detective that the only way they are alerted to a "body" is by the buzzards that fly overhead.

Media picked the story up yesterday and we are praying someone has seen her somewhere. My fiance is devastated.  she got out of the psych hospital again, Friday. He had a business trip Monday. He now feels that he shouldnt have gone.  Being suicidal (was readmitted this month and they only kept her for 6 days after changing ALL her meds) we fear that she was successful at taking her own life. It seems the only "logical explanation because of her history and because of the area she instructed the driver to take her. Randomly she just gave directions. When he picked her up she had no "destination" she just told him to drive. We still cant figure out how she paid him in cash. The hospital still has her wallet, bank card, credit cards and checks. There is no activity on her bank acct or charge card acct.

I cant tell you the agony we are all feeling. My fiance wont/cant sleep because he feels he shouldnt/its not right while she is out there. The last 2 days he has gotten progressively distant. Out wedding is schedule for May 24, 3 weeks. Tonight, he said that he doesnt know how to feel about it or anything....and if she is alive (and just took off without contacting family) or dead, he just doesnt know what he feels about wedding. He doesnt want this "in the back of his head' and wants it resolved first. He asked me if we would lose money if we postponed. I told him I would call venue and find out.

Please understand I am not heartless and do not mean to sound selfish. This is a horrific situation. Its his mom. His emotions are all over and its understandable. Mine are also and I do understand yet now...I am even more devastated. He wants it resolved but if she is gone, and jumped into a canal (a threat she made hence recent Baker Acted) or over dosed on pills and walked into those mangroves, then they may never find her-so he may never get the closure in the way he says he needs. Then what. We never get married?

And tomorrow, I am moving into our "marital" home. He was suppose to join me after we are married.

16 months engaged..3 WEEKS BEFORE our wedding! I can not believe what is happening and what may not be happening. I can not believe where my/his/our life is right now. I can not believe she did this. If she is alive, I can not believe she would do this to her children/us/family!

I need help. In addition to what I am feeling because she is missing, I am so hurt that he doesnt know what to think about wedding. I know, I really know that this is overwhelming to say the least and most difficult for him.  I am just so so sad and scared. I feel like Im losing him...us. This could change him forever and I dont know how to help him besides loving him. Something I think just isnt enough.

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Re: Devastating..devastated!

  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I am so sorry you both are going thru this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please also find someone you can talk with so that you can handle whatever might come your way in the future. My best to you both.
  • Oh my goodness, I can't imagine how you and FI must be feeling.

    Agree with PPs that this doesn't mean he feels differently about you.  When people go through traumatic things like this, they can sometimes seem distant or even mean, but just keep supporting him and staying by his side.  The wedding will have to be put on hold for an unknown amount of time, but he's still your fiancé.  Just love him during this time (which I'm sure you are!).

    My prayers are with you both in this situation.  I hope they can still find her safe.

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  • I am sorry you're both going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  • Jeebus LAM, I'm so sorry to hear all this. What a nightmare. Sending love and prayers and good mojo and everything else that you all get some resolution and peace soon.

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  • I'm sorry that all of this is happening to you.  Just be supportive of your FI.  He is going through something very traumatic.  Reread what wrigley and kmmssg wrote, they are both wise.  Your FI still loves you, he just cannot focus on a wedding right now because all he can focus on is his missing mom.

    Due to your current circumstances, I'm sure all of your guests will understand why the wedding cannot go forward now.  You and a friend/relative from your side of the family, should call and reach out to your guests to let them know about the wedding.  They don't need to have the full details.  Just say that there is a family emergency occurring and the wedding is being postponed and you are sorry for the last minute notice.  If they ask what is wrong, just say that its not something you want to speak about now, but please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.  Also, with the circumstances you are facing, your venue may be able to keep the money you paid and just move your wedding to a later date when you and FI are ready to move forward again. Try to do all this wedding stuff while your FI is off with his family, he is already feeling guilty about his mom, you don't want to add to his guilt that the wedding postponement is also his fault.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your FI.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am so sorry.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your FI.  I hope things turn out well.
  • God bless you, LAM. @kmmssg wrote beautifully inspired words. Try to find something in there to give you hope and perspective.
  • My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • hugs







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  • Oh God, I'm so sorry. I've got no words of wisdom, only lots of prayers & hugs & positive thoughts floating your way. Hang in there.
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Prayers and hugs your way. Both of you need room for grieving right now, and loving him really is enough for the moment.
  • Awful. Agree with the others, quietly call your vendors and explain the basics of the circumstances and ask about postponing.  Only the most heartless of people won't work something out with you right now.  Ask to let them keep your money, and you will let them know when you can reschedule. Also, family members who must travel should be notified asap, so they can amend travel arrangements and time off work. You don't need to be specific right now unless something happens to be specific about.  

    Also, what kind of responsible cabbie drops a mentally ill woman off in a deserted area alone like that? Payment be damned, who wouldn't consider that concerning? 

    My thoughts and prayers are with you both.  Let him tell you what he needs right now and how you can best support him.  He may not even know right now, but you can leave it open ended so he can tell you when he does know. Try not to take things personally. His saying postpone says to me that he wants and needs you to be with him through this.  I'm the same as @kmmssg in that I cry in private (shower is great) so I can keep the strong face on when I need to.  His mom wasn't thinking about either of you or the wedding, this was her illness talking and acting on her behalf.  I'm so sorry this had to happen right now.  Hugs! 
  • My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Hopefully they find her soon.
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  • It is soooo ok for you to be having these thoughts about your wedding. You're human. If you need to have a friend or counselor to voice your sadness and frustration about this to, it's perfectly ok. Just make sure you take care of yourself so that you can be there for your FI. Remember that he wants to be present that day and going through such turmoil probably wouldn't make for the best celebration of your love. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to marry you. It's also ok for you to be angry. Just make sure you have someone other than FI to talk to.
  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    I am sorry as this is a horrible situation. Think about it this way, if you went ahead with your wedding, your husband would FOREVER associate your wedding day/anniversary with loss and intense sadness, rather than joy. Nobody wants that. He still loves you, but he is going thru one of the most unbelievable form of grief one can imagine. PLease don't question his love for you. I think most of us would feel the same exact way.

    I wish you the best of luck 

    On a side note, I get how it seems "selfish" of his mother to put him through this and I get how it will also be a "grieving process" with how this happened, but please understand that when a mental illness takes over, cognition and rational thought are thrown out the window. It might have been beyond her control, as well.  

  • edited May 2014
    We are all sending you lots of love and many, many prayers. 
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  • I keep checking the news hoping to hear they found her. Sharing the missing persons report on my FB page to have more people in our area on the look out.

    Your FI loves you. He may not know what to think about the wedding but that did not change his feelings about you. *HUGS*
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  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    My mother is bipolar and has attempted suicide several times, so I have a pretty good understanding of what your fiancé is going through right now. During one of my mom's episodes a wedding would be the last thing on my mind and I'm sure that it is magnified by about a thousand times since his mom has actually disappeared. I agree with a previous poster...why the hell would a cabbie drop a woman off in the middle of nowhere!?!?!? Your fiancé is going through a very trying time right now and needs your love and support more than ever. You have every right to mourn the loss of your wedding right now, but rest assured that it will happen when you are both ready. Take the time to yourself to process everything alone and together.

    I can't imagine your vendors not being willing to work with you given the circumstances. They probably won't refund you, but will hopefully allow you to postpone.

    I wish you both the best.

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  • I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. As someone who's brother is suicidal and gone MIA for a week before (scaring the living daylights out of all of us!), I can only imagine what you must be going through. Our thoughts and prayers are with both you and your FI.

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  • IAWPP.  Your FH needs time to cope with his missing mother and what that might mean, and you need time to grieve the postponement of your wedding.

    Call your vendors, explain the circumstances, and ask to let them keep your money but apply it towards a future date.  Ask a dear friend or family member to help you call up each of your guests individually and notify them of the cancellation due to family emergency.  As PP said, just leave it at that and don't discuss specifics until you're comfortable/there's something more concrete to talk about.  I'd let your FI slide on this duty, he's got enough on his place.

    Postponing doesn't mean you're losing your FH or that he loves you less, it just means that he needs time to deal with this so he can be focused on your marriage when the time for the wedding comes, and so he won't have the stress/uncertainty/guilt looming over your wedding day.

    T&P for both of you, and your FI's family.  I can't imagine what you're all going through.
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  • I am so very sorry. For both of you, and for his mom & family. Please reread @wrigleyville's post. It is very wise.
    I agree with PPs who say this is likely the wrong time for a big event, and that the best decision may be to postpone entirely. Your FI is grieving, presumably so is his extended family, and this is going to be a huge test of your relationship. You are all undergoing major stress. Not the best time for major life choices. This is the man you love. He needs your support and understanding right now. The partying can wait. The deposits, if you lose them, are just deposits.
    That does not, however, mean that you don't deserve your own "closure" and a chance to move forward with your life. He/You may not be in a celebratory mood, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore your side of things indefinitely. It's ok for you to have needs and desires, too.
    You could marry quietly, now, but forgo the big wedding, and throw a party down the road, perhaps six months, a year, however long you feel is appropriate. You have the license, witnesses, and officiant, yes? This is an option that depends heavily on the strength of your existing relationship. He may very well not be open to the idea at all.
    You could also agree to postpone the wedding entirely. It might make you more comfortable with this arrangement if you can reach an agreement as to "when" is acceptable. Are you willing to push back six months? A year? Two years? Talk it out with him.
    Remember, this is the man you want to marry and who wants to marry you. If you both want this marriage to happen, it will. It might just be delayed for a little while.
  • This is terrible to be going through for all involved. I will be praying for you and your family.
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The PPs were able to express my feelings much more eloquently than I would have been able to. So I just want to add that my thoughts and love and prayers are going up and out to you, your fi, and the rest of the family.

    I HIGHLY recommend seeking individual counseling to help you process all of the emotions you are going through right now.
  • Oh my gosh. I'm so so sorry.
  • All I can offer is prayers and love. I hope this gets resolved soon.
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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Thank you all for your words, care, concern and prayers. Its been 10 days now and we have nothing. No solid leads...nothing. She has just vanished. Nobody has seen her. Its so unbelievable. We have organized a search party for Sat. with canines and remote cameras that we can operate to fly over areas that cant be reached on foot. Please continue to pray for us. Even worse case would be better then never knowing/finding her.

    As far as the wedding, our venue is extremely empathetic and is giving us all the freedom we need to postpone/change date, even up to the last minute. We havent decided yet.

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  • thanks for the update.  I was thinking of you today.  

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    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I am so sorry that you still have no news. I am very glad to hear that your venue is being so understanding. Worrying about losing a bunch of money is the very last thing you need right now.

    (((Hugs)))
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