Can a peice of paper change things?

Lowell14

I was wondering how couples can be together unmarried for YEARS and separate or divorce within a few months or years after getting married. FI have been together for 5 years and living together for 3.5. He says that he feels married already. Hopefully after we marry in October, it wont change too much...

Do any ladies here feel that things changed after getting married? Do you think there are valid reasons why people stay happily unmarried and divorce so soon after the wedding?

monkeysip

It's different for every couple.

For us, marriage changed a lot of things.  We moved in together, had sex for the first time, etc.  And for us, it's not just a "piece of paper" but a sacramental bond that unites us in Christ.  After saying our vows, we believe we are actually different.

Even for non-religious couples, I'm sure it's not just a piece of paper, but a deep symbol of their commitment and unity.

I can't say for sure, but I have a feeling that a lot of couples are happy while dating, but once the commitment is "set in stone" so to speak, they start having doubts about whether this person really is the person they want to spend their life with.  I think it may be a mental thing for some couples.

Also, marriage can bring up bigger issues that were ignored during dating, like religion or children.  If couples don't agree on those big issues, it can cause problems.

HaileyDancingbear

Being together for a long time doesn't always mean happiness.  Some people just drag out a terrible relationship for far too long.  Fear of being alone makes people stay in some shitty situations.

Some people get married thinking it will "fix" things.  Yeah, there are issues now, but when they're MARRIED it will be different!  Then when nothing is fixed (Because just like a piece of paper won't make you fall out of love or ruin things, it won't make you fall in love or fix anything) and none of their problems magically vanish, they're now stuck facing issues they've been brushing aside and refusing to acknowledge before.  So it all goes to shit. 

Lowell14

Im sorry for referring to it as 'a piece of paper'. I should have thought a bit more about how to phrase it. Thank you for your reply. It put a few things into perspective that I may not have considered.

monkeysip

Yup, Hailey's got a good point too.  Marriage doesn't fix things.  And marriage isn't going to "change" your spouse the way you want it to.

OliveOilsMom

I don't feel like much has changed. We lived together a year before our wedding and have now been married for 2 years.  

I think the people who are together for years, get married, then divorce quickly after are people who had problems in their relationship and tried to fix them by getting married.  

If you start out your marriage with a strong relationship, great communication, have the money, kids, and religious talks you are the right steps towards a long and happy marriage. 

doeydo

My FI already refers to me as "the wife" sometimes when talking to people, ie. "The wife's going to meet up with us after she's finished work".  We already live together and have been together for years.  I guess that when some people get married they aren't 100%, but they push down that little voice that is telling them they shouldn't go through with it and the relationship is wrong.

FiancB

I think in a lot of those cases, probably one person pushed the other to commit when they didn't want to. That's kind of how it went down with my ex fiancee at least. We were together for 5 years and I'm sure if we'd gone through with it, we would've been forced to really face our issues and would've divorced shortly thereafter. 

It was very much a "he's just not that into you" kind of thing.

APDSS22

There was a couple I knew that had been together forever.  It was pretty much set in stone they'd marry one day soon (they were still in college) and start their life together.  I think he'd even already purchased the perfect ring.  They moved in together and within a month they were broken up.  They just couldn't stand living together with completely opposite lifestyles and it forced them to look at big issues they hadn't even considered while dating.  Luckily they hadn't gone through with the marriage before moving in together so they didn't have to go through a divorce. 

A lot of couples (especially ones that don't do premarital counseling) just don't know what all they need to discuss and don't realize their views conflict on things that become big things.  Some of them can overcome the differences and remain a strong couple and some can't, so they divorce.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with monkey in that, for us, marriage was a sacrament that united us to Christ in a covenantal relationship.

I do think some people think marriage will change things or fix problems and that's not the case.

emmyg65

Marriage is a huge, legally binding, public commitment. For us, we view that as much more profound than dating or living together. It's a sacred bond. While nothing really changed in our relationship, we have a sense of permanence that could scare some people. 

We believe that we have to nurture and maintain this marriage, and we understand that that will take hard work. Some people don't want to put in that work. We are a team now and he is my number one. I have to say that's been the hardest part for me, because previously, my family was number one. Obviously, they're still a high priority (1a?), but my husband comes first, and same for him. Some people have a hard time making that transition.

I think some people don't really understand what marriage entails till they're in it, and then sometimes they can't handle it. There's so much focus on the wedding in our culture, especially for women, and not nearly enough focus on what happens after. That's why I really like the website A Practical Wedding. They talk about the whole kit and caboodle.

KGold80

For some people marriage is the logical next step to take and they go into it because it is what is expected after you have been together for x amount of time. For others, they get married thinking it will save a failing relationship. I attempted to push my FI into getting engaged when we bought our house because I felt weird about buying a house together without the legal "contract" and it felt kind of fly by night at the time. I am so glad I didn't stick to my guns and let him decide for himself. Forcing him into it would have been such a huge mistake, but I think a lot of women (or even men) keep pushing and pushing, which really starts the marriage off on a bad foot.

phira

In my brother's case, it didn't really change anything. Medical school did; it exacerbated their existing relationship problems to the point where neither one could even pretend to be happy in their relationship.

I think, honestly, that the answer is that couples divorce for the same reasons that people break up: they were together in spite of lots of conflict and unhappiness, as the relationship progressed they changed in ways that made them incompatible, or a combination of the two.

singinchick13

For us it will not change much except for documentation and my name. We already live together and have a baby. I think the baby was the bigger change to be honest.

Fran1985

My friend, who is still married, had a difficult first year of being married even though they had lived together for 3 years. For them after marriage, the little things seemed bigger. Instead of "honey put your socks in the hamper not on the floor" all of a sudden it was like "OH MY GOD THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOCKS ON MY FLOOR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" They went to counseling though and really strengthened their relationship and seem to be doing great now (about 4 years after the wedding) But some people, especially if the problem is bigger, probably see those problems as suffocating after the wedding. 

APDSS22

Fran1985 said:

My friend, who is still married, had a difficult first year of being married even though they had lived together for 3 years. For them after marriage, the little things seemed bigger. Instead of "honey put your socks in the hamper not on the floor" all of a sudden it was like "OH MY GOD THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOCKS ON MY FLOOR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" They went to counseling though and really strengthened their relationship and seem to be doing great now (about 4 years after the wedding) But some people, especially if the problem is bigger, probably see those problems as suffocating after the wedding. 

I told DH if he wants those socks washed they'll be in the hamper on laundry day.  If he runs out of clean socks, he'll have to either do the washing up himself or buy more socks because I won't wash them unless they're in the basket. 

grumbledore

Lowell14 said: I was wondering how couples can be together unmarried for YEARS and separate or divorce within a few months or years after getting married. FI have been together for 5 years and living together for 3.5. He says that he feels married already. Hopefully after we marry in October, it wont change too much...Do any ladies here feel that things changed after getting married? Do you think there are valid reasons why people stay happily unmarried and divorce so soon after the wedding?

We had a long discussion with our minister (Unitarian Universalist) when we first booked our church for the ceremony.  It's a very common phenomenon.  The thing is, it does change things.  Making a public commitment to stay with someone forever through all kinds of shit life will throw at you is huge.

It's not a "piece of paper" and thinking of it as anything less than a monumental commitment that takes constant work and effort is a big mistake.

grumbledore

I do think there's something to the "these socks are going to be on my floor until one of us is DEAD" thing too.

Blergbot

Wait, HOLD UP. Nobody told me there would be dirty socks.

WinstonsGirl

grumbledore said:

I do think there's something to the "these socks are going to be on my floor until one of us is DEAD" thing too.

This totally reminds me of Miranda on SATC when she finds Steve's dirty underwear and has to toss them in the washer.  She was horrified!!

Nothing changed for us.  But we talked a lot while dating.  I think we covered everything, so we knew going in what to expect from the other person.  We also lived together over a year and had bought a house together, so we were used to living with the other.  Our big thing has always been to communicate everything, before it gets big or out of hand.  It's worked well for us, but I think a lot of people don't talk about the little things and they often get too big and can't be fixed then.  

thisismynickname2

Agree with Fran. A close friend of mine wanted to annul her marriage a few months after the wedding, and as of last Christmas (about 3 years after the wedding) she was talking of leaving. She seems fine for the moment however. This is a girl that just wanted to be married and have the security of being a wife, and then had the "oh shit, this IS FOREVER" after the wedding.

I've also seen a somewhat similar trend with my college friends. Getting married and having kids is just what we're supposed to DO, and heaven forbid you become a spinster at 26! Forever is a damn long time, folks!