Honeymoon Fund-- Fun or Tacky?

MorgPie

Hi again fellow brides, To those of you who replied to my last post I am so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner! You were sweet to take the time to reply to me and offer suggestions on planning and staying in budget. I will take all your advice and use it wisely. I'm still getting use to this whole Knot Forum thing so I didn't know I had any responses! But now that I get the gist I would love help with a conundrum... I am curious to hear your thoughts regarding honeymoon funds or donations. I have primarily heard that people believe this type of wedding registry to be tacky and rude. But what I don't seem to understand is if you and your fiancé don't have any need to register for anything like towels, bedding, or candlesticks, what is the harm in offering your guests and loved ones an alternative gift option? Furthermore, what is the difference between asking people to buy your household possessions that you may or may not use and asking them to contribute to a memorable first vacation as husband and wife? I understand their are a couple types of honeymoon registries: one that allows people to contribute money to the overall honeymoon trip and one that offers specific selections of activities, meals, massages, etc. that guests can purchase like an actual item. My fiancé and I already live together and already have everything we need in our little home, so we have loosely discussed the concept as being in lieu of a standard registry. I tried to look at some other posts about this topic and the poor girl who posted one in particular was ripped a new one by all the other girls who commented. They basically said they thought it was rude and tacky-- truth be told their replies were more than rude and actually downright mean. Which made me a little afraid to post this myself. Even still, I would appreciate thoughts and opinions regarding your personal experiences with this concept as a bride or guest.

LittlePeachBlossom

Hi @MorgPie. I personally don't like the idea of having the guests contribute directly to the honeymoon or other 'non-traditional' registries. If it were me, I would simply wait to see what gifts I get (monetary or otherwise) and use that to purchase our honeymoon or other trip needs.

I think the purpose of the registry is just to give your guests a guide as to what you may need if they were to want to give you a gift. If you don't have a registry, most guests would most likely simply give cash. Just let this be your default. Maybe create a 'traditional' registry with minimal items, so guests see you don't 'need' much and you'll get more cash gifts v. gifts for the home. (Although maybe they'd give gift cards at shower. Not sure.)

Even if you still like the idea of the HM fund, realize you're paying a middleman a percentage just for them to collect money for you. As a guest, I'd want to make sure you're getting 100% of my gift, not 93% of it, or less! (sample fees attached.)

I'm pretty new to the knot but have been lurking a bit and found very good advice. I believe many have brought up the same point above. Good luck in your planning!

 

ETA: not sure if posting above price chart is against rules. I read through the rules but am afraid I could have missed it. If it is, I apologize and will remove the pic.

MorgPie

@LittlePeachBlossom thank you for your thoughts. I think this is the general consensuses among most people. Honeymoon sites are new and kind of foreign to people, and I recognize that it also seems odd to many. I have been able to find sites that don't require a percentage of the money be taken from the gift, but I do see your point. I would sooner register for nothing though, only because I don't need more clutter in my home. 

Things to think about though! And the chart is helpful.

LittlePeachBlossom

MorgPie . That's great you've found something without the additional fees. Good luck with planning!

Dignity100

I'm not a fan of the Honeymoon and 'GoFundMe' type things.  I would rather give a cash gift and get a thank you note in the mail like 'Thanks so much for your generous gift, we put it towards our honeymoon/savings/etc'. 

A gift registry comes off more as 'these are suggestions as to things we need if you so choose to give a gift' whereas a 'FundMe' account comes off more as 'This is what I want and it's the only acceptable gift'.

My FI and I do not live together, but we each have our own household with all the items we need.  We're simply not putting a registry together.  We would actually prefer no-gifts.

MorgPie

@dignity100 thanks for your feedback as well. I put some feelers out with close friends and most responses were similar to yours and @littlepeachblossom so we are opting out of the honeyfund!

eilis1228

I actually just received my cousin's wedding invitation today for her June wedding, and she did a registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and a honeymoon registry. She and her FI have lived together for a while, so I'm sure they don't need many household items. I really like that she had one of each, which will give the more traditional guests the ability to do the BBB registry, but for others who would just send a check, they can instead donate directly to the honeymoon fund. 

My only issue with the honeymoon registry was that it didn't allow for you to just send $50. If you wanted to contribute to an activity, you had to pay for the entire activity rather than send a portion of the funds. Since they're essentially just going to receive a gift card or check in the total amount donated, it seemed a little silly to not allow someone to contribute money towards an activity instead of paying for it outright...

Unicorn112

What about just asking for money in a not so tacky way ? Because then you get all of the money

MorgPie

@unicorn112 this cracked me up. Only because I am not sure if there really is a way to ask for money in a non-tacky way...I suppose it's all a bit tacky really, perhaps at least on some level.
@weewittlewizabeth I agree that this seems like a decent solution and that is kind of stupid that you couldn't just dive a portion of a gift or overall money to donate to their honeymoon. It may have just been the site that they decided to do the honeymoon fund with. I know there are a few and they all have different rules and regulations.

heidi2024

Hi everyone, 

I seem to have run into the same general consensus. Most people seem turned off by the idea of a honeymoon registry. Which I was kind of disappointed about, since my FI and I have lived together for several years now. We are putting a registry together at home depot, because there are several things we want to do with our house. 

I've also seen the honeymoon funds jars on some of the DIY wedding reception photo blogs. How does everyone feel about that? I think that might be a little more of a turn off than a registry. They never look very full in the pics!

chibiyui

kelme202 said:

Hi everyone, 

I seem to have run into the same general consensus. Most people seem turned off by the idea of a honeymoon registry. Which I was kind of disappointed about, since my FI and I have lived together for several years now. We are putting a registry together at home depot, because there are several things we want to do with our house. 

I've also seen the honeymoon funds jars on some of the DIY wedding reception photo blogs. How does everyone feel about that? I think that might be a little more of a turn off than a registry. They never look very full in the pics!

Honeymoon Jars set out by yourselves is also tacky. 

Knottie26031795

I agree with you. Everyone I know that has gotten married has done the traditional registry, and while I love knowing I contributed something to their home, I would be equally excited to buy them a fun portion of their trip. My fiance and I have a passion for traveling, and we really don't want to have our guests buy us a bunch of stuff we don't need! At the end of the day, whether you do a honeymoon registry or a home registry, guests still end up spending money to buy you a gift. I think it should be a gift you want! I don't think it's any more tacky than asking you guests to buy you a grill set or espresso maker! Its all about perspective, and your guests know and love you, so they will be happy to contribute to whatever is most important to you!

lacqueredlover

If you don't register for anything, then people will just give money.  

mlynn60

That is exactly what my fiance and I are doing!! My family thinks that it is a great idea (my mom was a little flustered, she has no idea what to do for a bridal shower now haha). 

ryanandjoe4

I am in the same boat we have lived together for almost 2 years now, so we have everything we need. I think we both have decided we are just not making a registery, and seeing what we get.. honestly we plan on having everything paid for before the big day, so if we get money it will mostlikely be in savings.. or spent on extra items on the honeymoon..

 

MorgPie

Thanks everyone for all the feedback! Basically we ended up registering a Target, Anthropologie and Pottery Barn-- mainly bedding, linens, & towels, and some new options for us for organization. We don't need much but it gives people the option if they want to pick a physical gift and it would be nice to replace a few things. And we ended going with a Honeyfund as well! Despite the semi-negative comments we got on it on here and from a couple people we have talked to, a lot of people think it is a really nice and different options for gift giving and if they don't care for it there is the standard registry as well. I also think that I do not at all expect my guests to give us anything, so any registry is more of a suggestion than anything else.

Knottie06332579

I love the idea of a honyfund and we are considering doing that ourselves. We live in a studio so there is absolutely no room to store this stuff. I think that if your guests truly know you they will understand. We have no expectations for the guests to contribute to the fund but it is a nice option if that's what they would like to do. Registry is asking people exactly for what you want so I don't know how a honeyfund is any different if travel and adventure interests you far more than a nice set of china and crystal glassware.

[Deleted User]

Tacky. Register for nothing or very little- your guests will get the hint.

anniecm5

I'd make one if you want it but also have a traditional registry. Anyone who doesn't like it can buy you something from the traditional registry! 

psiloveyouu

Super tacky. Head on over to the etiquette board. They can explain why better than I can.

sheknows6

There is no difference between asking for dishes versus money for your honeymoon.

My wedding website states implicitly that we expect nothing but our guests presence at our wedding, and that this is their gift to us, however if they'd like to gift us something, the gift of travel is what we'd prefer.

We're lucky enough to have everything we need in our home.

A honeyfund, when done correctly, is not tacky. Dollar dances, jugs placed at the reception, and not registering at all while simulatenously expecting people to read your mind is tacky. And rude.

psiloveyouu

sheknows6 said:

There is no difference between asking for dishes versus money for your honeymoon.

My wedding website states implicitly that we expect nothing but our guests presence at our wedding, and that this is their gift to us, however if they'd like to gift us something, the gift of travel is what we'd prefer.

We're lucky enough to have everything we need in our home.

A honeyfund, when done correctly, is not tacky. Dollar dances, jugs placed at the reception, and not registering at all while simulatenously expecting people to read your mind is tacky. And rude.

It's extremely tacky and very different from asking your guests for dishes. If you don't want to receive boxed gifts, just don't register. People will get the hint and you will get cash. Not registering does not equal "expecting people to read your mind."

Registries contain suggestions that lead guests toward your tastes and preferences. Honeyfunds essentially say "give me some money."

There really is no correct/polite way to do this.

In addition, companies like HoneyFund take a percentage of the $ that your guests donate, so you don't even get the full amount. If one is so intent on receiving cash to put towards traveling and/or experiences, wouldn't you want to receive the full amount that your guests intended to gift you?

jenniewest

I am glad to read that most people agree that these types of registries are tacky and rude.  I am just researching as I received an invitation to a wedding and the have a HoneyFund registry with a list of items to help pay for their 18 night Hawaiian wedding and honeymoon.  Given that the bride and groom are having a wedding in Hawaii which most people could not afford to attend in the first place, it seems additionally ill-mannered to ask for potential guests to pay for the wedding and honeymoon beforehand.  It is the timing of the request of the contribution that I find particularly ill-mannered; to design a costly "dream wedding" and look for payment in advance is tacky.

I had my dream wedding on the budget I could afford.  This idea of asking for people to pay for a trip that the couple cannot afford on their own is gauche.   It leaves questions whether the couple can live within their means.  Sensible people will not contribute for that reason alone.  If that is not the case, then there is no reason to do it in the first place because you will only be causing question to your manners and sensibilities. 

The bride in this situation is a person that I must endure for family's sake.  She is a grown 48 year old woman with a quasi-career that still sponges off her retired parents.  This "HoneyFund" is just the sort of tacky selfish thing that the "Sponge of the Family" would consider a great idea.   So ask yourself, do you want to be considered The Sponge before asking guests to front money for your honeymoon?  Because you do not want to be put into the pool with this woman.

 

 

 

 

anniecm5

I've never really thought of it as tacky when others do it. I really had no idea they were considered rude until I came here, haha. I think of it like.. I'm going to spend money on you anyway, so I really don't care if you give me suggestions of how you'd prefer to get it. In fact, I'd rather fund someone's unforgettable travel experience than some stupid crystal candy dish, but that's just my own preference. I've had other people mention they were saving for a house, and I'm so happy to give towards a cause like that. Of course, it's nice to have a traditional registry too so guests can choose to get you something that way too. And it goes without saying that even if you only had a honeyfund, your guests are completely free to pick out something themselves and get you whatever they want. but I'm just not sure how it's tacky to ask for gifts toward a trip you can't afford but not tacky to ask for some kitchenaid mixer you can't afford?

but for my own wedding, I'm avoiding all that anyway.. we are booking our honeymoon at a Couples Resort, and their website has an ability for people to input our information and surprise us with something extra during our week (typical stuff like dinner on the beach, swim with dolphins, bottle of wine delivered to the room, etc). The honeymoon itself is completely paid for and even if no one sent anything, it would be perfect. I'm not sure if I'm going to go so far as to list this on our registry or just let our parents and close friends know it exists. but I have no problem accepting gifts like that, pshhh. 

sheknows6

psiloveyouu said:

sheknows6 said:

There is no difference between asking for dishes versus money for your honeymoon.

My wedding website states implicitly that we expect nothing but our guests presence at our wedding, and that this is their gift to us, however if they'd like to gift us something, the gift of travel is what we'd prefer.

We're lucky enough to have everything we need in our home.

A honeyfund, when done correctly, is not tacky. Dollar dances, jugs placed at the reception, and not registering at all while simulatenously expecting people to read your mind is tacky. And rude.

It's extremely tacky and very different from asking your guests for dishes. If you don't want to receive boxed gifts, just don't register. People will get the hint and you will get cash. Not registering does not equal "expecting people to read your mind."

Registries contain suggestions that lead guests toward your tastes and preferences. Honeyfunds essentially say "give me some money."

There really is no correct/polite way to do this.

In addition, companies like HoneyFund take a percentage of the $ that your guests donate, so you don't even get the full amount. If one is so intent on receiving cash to put towards traveling and/or experiences, wouldn't you want to receive the full amount that your guests intended to gift you?

I guess my problem with this train of thought is that both not registering at all, or registering on a "cash contribution" registry of any kind are both considered rude. I've seen this all over the etiquette boards and it's a catch-22.

Honeyfund does take a portion of the cash people donate through it, and personally I won't be using it after realizing this, but I will definitely let a guest know if they asked that I would prefer cash over a gift. I don't see how that's rude when they're asking you what you'd like. 

I haven't seen a reasonable option for people in this situation that isn't deemed tacky. What do you do when you don't need traditional boxed gifts, but you don't want to be equally rude by not registering at all? I really would love to figure this one out because it seems to contradict itself.

sheknows6

I did also want to mention that my fiancé and I already paid for our honeymoon on our own budget, so it's not like we'd be asking for money because we couldn't afford it.

I get why honeyfunds, gofundme, and other sites are tacky when the couple can't afford these things, so I guess my issue is what do couples not in this scenario do when they don't need a kitchenaid and would prefer cash instead?

I've seen several posts that state not registering at all/not asking for gifts is considered rude....my only guess is let a few people in the family know and let them spread the word, and/or let people ask you directly?

adverb

I'm in the minority here, but I think people get way too wrapped up in what's "tacky" and what's not. I ALWAYS give cash for a wedding gift, regardless of whether the couple is registered or not, just because of the simplicity of it. I don't have an issue with Honeyfunds because people feel like they are contributing even though they're giving cash in a roundabout way. Kinda silly it takes a % though, that's a bummer.  

For my wedding, I'm pretty much doing the same thing as @sheknows6 - not registering anywhere, not expecting gifts, and if people wanna write us a check.. okay great. Since I'm having a destination wedding, I'm already expecting a lot of people to pony up money to come visit so asking them to spend even more money seems hard :-/