Rehearsal Dinner

geesaman16

Hi,

Our wedding is in the Twin Cities which is obviously not typically considered a destination wedding. However, the only "in-town" guests we have are my fiance's immediate family (parents and two sisters). Everyone else is at least one hour away. I know that it's considered a common courtesy to invite out-of-town guests as they have theoretically spent more money on travel and the hotel and would enjoy seeing everyone they may not usually see. However, if we followed this rule, our Rehearsal Dinner would essentially be another reception. We are currently only inviting immediate family and bridal party plus dates which is 45 people. Is it rude to keep it this small? I know a lot of extended family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) will be offended, but we simply cannot afford to feed 250 people twice. 

msuprincess04

Your list is fine. It's nice to invite out of town guests, but it's not required. 

Inkdancer

It is perfectly fine. The rehearsal dinner is to thank the people who were at your rehearsal--that is, the people who are participating in the wedding ceremony.

My FILs wanted to invite all our OOT guests to the RD also. I told them they could host a welcome reception that evening, but I would not be inviting everyone to the RD, because that would be 90% of our guest list.

ei34

You're fine. Immediate family and WP is a reasonable cut-off, especially when almost all of the guests are OOT.

mysticl

Our wedding was similar in that most of the guests were out of town.  At the rehearsal dinner we had our parents, the wedding party members, their dates, and their parents (in the case of the children who were in the wedding).

nurse4va

My brother is having his rehearsal dinner with his WP, in-laws, and my Dad (my Mom passed away last year).  But me and my fiance, we were told specifically that we are not invited.  It is a destination wedding so everyone is from OOT.  I'm definitely not happy with his decision to exclude his own sister, but invite everyone else.  We've even discussed not attending, because of his rudeness.

geesaman16

Thanks all! I always know I can get helpful, honest answers to tricky questions! 

@nurse4va: I am sorry to hear that your brother excluded you from the RD. Have you discussed it with him? All of our siblings as well their dates are invited to the RD, just not extended family 

nurse4va

@geesaman, yes, I confronted him the next day and I was polite, but I told him, "What you did was wrong.  You do not exclude your family."  My fiance is really not happy about this at all.  We don't want to cause family drama (we lost my Mom to cancer last summer, so it has been a very hard year for us all), but we feel that if we're going to be excluded, not invited into the WP from the get go, then why bother going, since we'll likely just be ignored at the wedding anyways.

geesaman16

First, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. 

I understand your frustration. I would be offended as well. Whether or not you decide to attend is one hundred percent up to you and your fiance. But I would hate for 20 years to go by and you to regret not attending his wedding. I hope it gets worked out! Weddings are joyous celebrations 

STARMOON44

nurse4va said:

@geesaman, yes, I confronted him the next day and I was polite, but I told him, " What you did was wrong.  You do not exclude your family."  My fiance is really not happy about this at all.  We don't want to cause family drama (we lost my Mom to cancer last summer, so it has been a very hard year for us all), but we feel that if we're going to be excluded, not invited into the WP from the get go, then why bother going, since we'll likely just be ignored at the wedding anyways.

You were not polite! The only people who must be invited to some sort of time appropriate post-rehearsal refreshments are people in the rehearsal. Since you haven't been asked to be part of the wedding party (also not rude) you don't have to bd invited. It would be nice, sure, but it isn't a must.

VerizonGirl

Your list is fine.  I have never heard of inviting OOTs to the RD in real life - just not done in my area.

PrettyGirlLost

No one in my circle invites OOT guests to RDs either, unless they are in the WP.  There's no point in having a reception prior to the actual reception. . . none of us have the money to pay for that!

ashleyep

STARMOON44 said:

@geesaman, yes, I confronted him the next day and I was polite, but I told him, " What you did was wrong.  You do not exclude your family."  My fiance is really not happy about this at all.  We don't want to cause family drama (we lost my Mom to cancer last summer, so it has been a very hard year for us all), but we feel that if we're going to be excluded, not invited into the WP from the get go, then why bother going, since we'll likely just be ignored at the wedding anyways.

You were not polite! The only people who must be invited to some sort of time appropriate post-rehearsal refreshments are people in the rehearsal. Since you haven't been asked to be part of the wedding party (also not rude) you don't have to bd invited. It would be nice, sure, but it isn't a must.

I mean, you're right. Technically if they're not part of the ceremony they don't need to go. But c'mon. Who doesn't invite their siblings to the RD? 

schellzinator

@geesaman16 - we were in a similar situation and we invited just those involved in the WP and a few additional guests - his sister (we asked her to do a reading and she declined - but we still wanted to include her) and my Aunt Cathy (at the request of my grandmother - and I was more than happy to include her as well).

I've only ever been invited to one Rehearsal Dinner as an OOT guest and not a member of the wedding party...quite honestly - I would have rather not have gone to the RD and found something else to do that evening. But it was nice that they extended the invite.

carliealissa

We've been invited to the RD at every OOT wedding I can remember attending.

SapphireCounselor

ashleyep said:

STARMOON44 said:

nurse4va said:

@geesaman, yes, I confronted him the next day and I was polite, but I told him, " What you did was wrong.  You do not exclude your family."  My fiance is really not happy about this at all.  We don't want to cause family drama (we lost my Mom to cancer last summer, so it has been a very hard year for us all), but we feel that if we're going to be excluded, not invited into the WP from the get go, then why bother going, since we'll likely just be ignored at the wedding anyways.

You were not polite! The only people who must be invited to some sort of time appropriate post-rehearsal refreshments are people in the rehearsal. Since you haven't been asked to be part of the wedding party (also not rude) you don't have to bd invited. It would be nice, sure, but it isn't a must.

I mean, you're right. Technically if they're not part of the ceremony they don't need to go. But c'mon. Who doesn't invite their siblings to the RD? 

This...I can't imagine not inviting my brother to the RD unless we had a bad enough relationship where he wasn't invited to the wedding at all. It just seems strange tome even though there isn't anything technically wrong with it.

ashleyep

STARMOON44 said:

@geesaman, yes, I confronted him the next day and I was polite, but I told him, " What you did was wrong.  You do not exclude your family."  My fiance is really not happy about this at all.  We don't want to cause family drama (we lost my Mom to cancer last summer, so it has been a very hard year for us all), but we feel that if we're going to be excluded, not invited into the WP from the get go, then why bother going, since we'll likely just be ignored at the wedding anyways.

You were not polite! The only people who must be invited to some sort of time appropriate post-rehearsal refreshments are people in the rehearsal. Since you haven't been asked to be part of the wedding party (also not rude) you don't have to bd invited. It would be nice, sure, but it isn't a must.

I mean, you're right. Technically if they're not part of the ceremony they don't need to go. But c'mon. Who doesn't invite their siblings to the RD? 

This...I can't imagine not inviting my brother to the RD unless we had a bad enough relationship where he wasn't invited to the wedding at all. It just seems strange tome even though there isn't anything technically wrong with it.

Shit, if that's the case, I don't really need to invite FI's parents - or my mom.

bcody7

My future in-laws are hosting the RD and they insist ALL out of town guests be invited, along with ALL family. Our guest list is at 130 and at least 80 are getting invitations to the RD. I gave up since I'm not paying for it but I find it ridiculous that everyone is invited. I feel like it's going to end up being a second reception.

Inkdancer

bcody7 said:

My future in-laws are hosting the RD and they insist ALL out of town guests be invited, along with ALL family. Our guest list is at 130 and at least 80 are getting invitations to the RD. I gave up since I'm not paying for it but I find it ridiculous that everyone is invited. I feel like it's going to end up being a second reception.

And this is exactly why I turned down the FPIL's offer to host. They were going to invite 90% of our list to the RD and I was not okay with that.