I'm the bride! Now stop making me do things!

Rebl90

So this is just a little snark because I have rolled my eyes so hard today I'm surprised they are still in my head. In March I was talking with FSIL A and FSIL B (both BMs) and long story short FSIL A tried to convince me to have a "Bridesmaids Dinner" at her house sometime around the wedding so she could get to know the other BMs better. I said that I thought that it was a nice idea but that between the shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and wedding day, there was a good amount of time to spend together (all the BMS attended the shower, are planning on attending the bachelorette "party" at a nearby spa and are attending the rehearsal and RD - yay! and WOW!).

 I rank really high on the introvert scale, and while I love my friends and family, it is very easy for me to be overwhelmed and overstimulated, so the thought of ANOTHER wedding-related activity makes me want to curl up in a hole somewhere and hide. I'm normally really bad with putting my foot down and being direct, but I specifically told her that I was not comfortable with adding any more activities which people might feel obligated to attend. YAY for boundaries! And I thought it was over. 

Today, almost 2 months later, FSIL A sent out a facebook message to all of the bridesmaids asking who wanted to join her for a bridesmaid's dinner the week of the wedding. I almost lost my shit. I still am not calm enough to say anything because I was so proud of myself for putting my foot down the first time around that I am genuinely hurt she would go against my wishes and try to plan another activity the week of the bach party, RD, and wedding. Am I being ridiculous for getting upset about this?

Edited: Disappearing paragraphs

wrigleyville

I wonder if she's having it for just the bridesmaids and just copying you as a courtesy? Maybe she's hosting a dinner for them and doesn't expect you to come. She strikes me as an extrovert. (I'm an introvert, so I feel your pain.)

I would talk to her privately and say something like, "I noticed you set up the BM dinner. I was just wondering if it's only for the BMs? As I mentioned a couple of months ago, I'm really not comfortable attending so many wedding-related things that week. I think it's great that you want to hang out with the BMs and get to know them, but I hope you understand that I'm not able to attend."

beethery

I second what Wrigleyville said.

HisGirlFriday13

I am also an introvert.

And if she's presenting this as a BMs' dinner, nothing says you have to be there. If she asks, say, 'Oh! I saw that, but I didn't think it included me since I'm not a BM and I'm told you I didn't want to do that. Have fun!'

Rebl90

wrigleyville said:

I wonder if she's having it for just the bridesmaids and just copying you as a courtesy? Maybe she's hosting a dinner for them and doesn't expect you to come. She strikes me as an extrovert. (I'm an introvert, so I feel your pain.)

I would talk to her privately and say something like, "I noticed you set up the BM dinner. I was just wondering if it's only for the BMs? As I mentioned a couple of months ago, I'm really not comfortable attending so many wedding-related things that week. I think it's great that you want to hang out with the BMs and get to know them, but I hope you understand that I'm not able to attend."

I wish she would do it without me! She's described it as "a night to get to know each other and celebrate RebL90!". She has tried to make many recent family gatherings about our upcoming wedding and loves to talk about it all the time - I get it, she's super excited for us, but sometimes I feel like she's 10 years younger than me instead of 10 years older. 

Honestly I'm just pissed because one of my BMs works retail and has a bitchy manager who makes requesting time off a nightmare and she's been so stressed out about getting time off, wanting to "be there for everything".  My MOH is from out of state and is already stretched thin as well, and while I know that they are not obligated to attend anything, they are all so accommodating and sweet that I know they would feel obligated (it happens to me too). 

Idk, I just feel like it's not right to bill something as a "bridesmaids dinner" after the bride specifically requested them not to do it. 

HaileyDancingbear

Rebl90 said:

So this is just a little snark because I have rolled my eyes so hard today I'm surprised they are still in my head. In March I was talking with FSIL A and FSIL B (both BMs) and long story short FSIL A tried to convince me to have a "Bridesmaids Dinner" at her house sometime around the wedding so she could get to know the other BMs better. I said that I thought that it was a nice idea but that between the shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and wedding day, there was a good amount of time to spend together (all the BMS attended the shower, are planning on attending the bachelorette "party" at a nearby spa and are attending the rehearsal and RD - yay! and WOW!).

 I rank really high on the introvert scale, and while I love my friends and family, it is very easy for me to be overwhelmed and overstimulated, so the thought of ANOTHER wedding-related activity makes me want to curl up in a hole somewhere and hide. I'm normally really bad with putting my foot down and being direct, but I specifically told her that I was not comfortable with adding any more activities which people might feel obligated to attend. YAY for boundaries! And I thought it was over. 

Today, almost 2 months later, FSIL A sent out a facebook message to all of the bridesmaids asking who wanted to join her for a bridesmaid's dinner the week of the wedding. I almost lost my shit. I still am not calm enough to say anything because I was so proud of myself for putting my foot down the first time around that I am genuinely hurt she would go against my wishes and try to plan another activity the week of the bach party, RD, and wedding. Am I being ridiculous for getting upset about this?

Edited: Disappearing paragraphs

Ugh, I know that feeling.  It drives me absolutely nuts.  I'm ok with being disagreed with, as long as someone is not being a total ass to me, but being completely disregarded is horrible.  A lot of my anxiety centers around being bullied constantly, and just developing a little voice in the back of my head that constantly says "Don't say that, you'll sound dumb.  Keep your mouth shut, everything you have to say is stupid."  So when shit like that happens, that feeling just goes haywire.  "See, that was so fucking stupid, they don't even want to acknowledge how dumb you just sounded.  This is why you should have just shut the fuck up.  Stop talking."

I guess I'm biased, but I get really pissed when I feel pressured into social situations I'm not comfortable with, or when I put in the huge amount of effort into putting my foot down, and am just completely ignored like that.  I try so hard to be social.  I'm working so hard to improve.  Don't fucking make it harder.  I totally understand why you're upset.  

If I were you I wouldn't attend the dinner, and just let FSIL know that you won't be able to attend.  I wouldn't let her know the real reason why, though, but that's just me, I don't tend to let people know when they've hurt me.  She and the bridesmaids can hang out, but you've made it clear that you weren't comfortable, and she can't force you to do anything.  If she gets upset, that's her fault as you made yourself crystal clear.

Rebl90

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I am also an introvert. And if she's presenting this as a BMs' dinner, nothing says you have to be there. If she asks, say, 'Oh! I saw that, but I didn't think it included me since I'm not a BM and I'm told you I didn't want to do that. Have fun!'

Totally stealing that wording, perfect excuse.

Rebl90

@HaileyDancingBear - I couldn't agree more.  I definitely feel bullied when it comes to the FSILs as they are very opinionated and while they want what's best for me they feel like their age makes them smarter than me, therefore they know better. We also had a lovely discussion that night as to why I just cannot do my own make-up that day (because neither one of them were able to do it on their wedding days). 

HisGirlFriday13

Rebl90 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I am also an introvert.

And if she's presenting this as a BMs' dinner, nothing says you have to be there. If she asks, say, 'Oh! I saw that, but I didn't think it included me since I'm not a BM and I'm told you I didn't want to do that. Have fun!'

Totally stealing that wording, perfect excuse.

Also, in light of your additional info, I would advocate PRIVATELY contacting your MOH and the BM with the bitchy manager and telling them to just decline, politely, and that you won't be there either.

Rebl90

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I am also an introvert. And if she's presenting this as a BMs' dinner, nothing says you have to be there. If she asks, say, 'Oh! I saw that, but I didn't think it included me since I'm not a BM and I'm told you I didn't want to do that. Have fun!'

Totally stealing that wording, perfect excuse.

Also, in light of your additional info, I would advocate PRIVATELY contacting your MOH and the BM with the bitchy manager and telling them to just decline, politely, and that you won't be there either.

Great point, I definitely thought about that, I talked to MOH already about it and I'll send a quick text to my BM with the manager issue. 

wrigleyville

I think this will make you feel better, or at least smile:

http://themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/

I always laugh really, really hard at the image of the guy hissing in the hamster ball.

It's dead-on, though. I had a friend who kept trying to drag me out, kept trying to get into my hamster ball, etc. I kept telling her, "No," and putting my foot down. It didn't go over well, and we aren't friends anymore, but honestly? This past year has been AMAZING because I'm not constantly ducking her and worrying about hurting HER feelings when she wasn't respecting MY feelings. I feel so free. I can finally breathe again. I don't jump when my phone goes off anymore.

Anyway, if this is a relative, I get that it's much trickier, but she really needs to understand that you need space and you've already said no. She planned this against your wishes, so she only has herself to blame if it isn't what she expected (i.e. you showing up and everyone being social).

Rebl90

wrigleyville said:

I think this will make you feel better, or at least smile:

http://themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/

I always laugh really, really hard at the image of the guy hissing in the hamster ball.

It's dead-on, though. I had a friend who kept trying to drag me out, kept trying to get into my hamster ball, etc. I kept telling her, "No," and putting my foot down. It didn't go over well, and we aren't friends anymore, but honestly? This past year has been AMAZING because I'm not constantly ducking her and worrying about hurting HER feelings when she wasn't respecting MY feelings. I feel so free. I can finally breathe again. I don't jump when my phone goes off anymore.

Anyway, if this is a relative, I get that it's much trickier, but she really needs to understand that you need space and you've already said no. She planned this against your wishes, so she only has herself to blame if it isn't what she expected (i.e. you showing up and everyone being social).

I love it! I've felt "hissy" more than once today! Way to go on standing up for yourself, it really makes life so much easier when you stop trying to meet everyone's expectations - it's exhausting!

I have to say thank you to all of you ladies, I sent back a reply stating that I would be unable to make any more commitments for wedding-related activities since I am simply overwhelmed by the amount of activities that will already be taking place.  I am super thankful for the added insight as far as it being more for the bridesmaids so I made sure to word my reply in such a way that I understood  the event could still happen without me.  I've contacted the rest of the BMs privately (thanks HisGirl!) and let them know I would not be attending and there were no expectations on my end for them to attend!

Weddings,bringing out the crazy in everyone!

Bubblegum5586

It's not cool she went against your wishes but I just have to point out that so many complaints on this board are about their WP not doing enough and you are frustrated your WP is doing too much! It was nice to read such a positive problem. You are lucky to be so blessed with so many that love you!

nurse4va

*raises hand*

I'm somewhat introverted and have a form of dyslexia that makes me feel very overwhelmed, very quickly.  I feel your pain.  I think you should do what the other posters are saying, and privately message her and say hey, that's great that you want to get to know the WP better, but I just cannot attend, and this is why I was saying earlier, that I'd prefer to not do this, especially so close to the wedding. 

I get upset too, when I feel like others are pressuring me into something.  I was in tears, after leaving my bridal store, because I felt like the folks who came with me to help me pick a dress, were forcing me not to buy the dress I knew I wanted.  It's not a good feeling.  I hope this all will work out for you.