Dad issues- HELP!

cambryn

Heads up! Complex family issues!!!

So my fiance went and had a 'permission talk' of sorts with my grandmother (on my mom's side.) Fi didn't ask for permission, but rather explained our situation, put my gran's worries about us at ease, and made her feel happy about him asking me to marry him.

My dad is upset because my fiance did not have the 'permission talk' with him. My fiance had the talk with my grandmother BECAUSE SHE RAISED ME. My grandmother raised me on her own without any help from my dad or mom. 

I have had a rocky relationship with my father- and didn't even see him for about 4 years (age 10-14.) We have since developed a pretty good relationship, but it's not perfect. He has paid for a few things (aka, gotten his mother to pay for a few things) over the years to kind of 'buy his way' into my life- and he still is an irresponsible pothead who has been living with his mother the past 7 or so years. He is a well-meaning man, who loves me and supports my choices and goals- but I just don't have a lot of respect for him. 

After being engaged, I went to lunch with my Dad and his mother. He complained about my fiance not 'asking for his permission.' His mom shook her head and said 'it's tradition!' I didn't want to make a big to-do about things, so I sort of sheepishly said 'well, he knew my other gran raised me, so he thought that would be the right person to talk to.' 

Dad said 'well, he still needs to have the talk with me, and I get to walk you down the aisle, not your grandmother!'

I just sort of laughed it off- but I don't want him walking me down the aisle! I don't want ANYONE 'giving me away.' 

I'm not sure how to handle this. He has promised to pay for the wedding- and recently inherited some money- so actually can.  This is the nicest thing he has ever offered to do for me- and the first time he is doing anything for me himself-  but it feels very false to me to have him walk me down the aisle. It's a tradition I'd be ok with, if we had a real father-daughter relationship- but we just don't. 

I don't want him walking me down the aisle, and I'm worried he'll suddenly 'pull the plug' on money if his feelings get hurt. I don't want to hurt him or embarrass him- but it feels weird to me for him to walk me down the aisle given our history. 

I just don't know what to do with this situation- and he keeps bringing it up! HELP!

MobKaz

You need to decide if your principles are more important than money.

Decline the money.  All choices regarding the wedding will be between you and your FI.

Accept the money and accept the fact that you will be guilted, manipulated, and told how your wedding will be orchestrated.  They will dictate not only who walks you down the aisle, but will probably mandate a father-daughter dance, who offers a speech, the guest list, and on and on.  Taking the money would be the least of your problems.

Stick to your principles and host the wedding you can afford.

HisGirlFriday13

cambryn said:

Heads up! Complex family issues!!!

So my fiance went and had a 'permission talk' of sorts with my grandmother (on my mom's side.) Fi didn't ask for permission, but rather explained our situation, put my gran's worries about us at ease, and made her feel happy about him asking me to marry him.

My dad is upset because my fiance did not have the 'permission talk' with him. My fiance had the talk with my grandmother BECAUSE SHE RAISED ME. My grandmother raised me on her own without any help from my dad or mom. 

I have had a rocky relationship with my father- and didn't even see him for about 4 years (age 10-14.) We have since developed a pretty good relationship, but it's not perfect. He has paid for a few things (aka, gotten his mother to pay for a few things) over the years to kind of 'buy his way' into my life- and he still is an irresponsible pothead who has been living with his mother the past 7 or so years. He is a well-meaning man, who loves me and supports my choices and goals- but I just don't have a lot of respect for him. 

After being engaged, I went to lunch with my Dad and his mother. He complained about my fiance not 'asking for his permission.' His mom shook her head and said 'it's tradition!' I didn't want to make a big to-do about things, so I sort of sheepishly said 'well, he knew my other gran raised me, so he thought that would be the right person to talk to.' 

Dad said 'well, he still needs to have the talk with me, and I get to walk you down the aisle, not your grandmother!'

I just sort of laughed it off- but I don't want him walking me down the aisle! I don't want ANYONE 'giving me away.' 

I'm not sure how to handle this. He has promised to pay for the wedding- and recently inherited some money- so actually can.  This is the nicest thing he has ever offered to do for me- and the first time he is doing anything for me himself-  but it feels very false to me to have him walk me down the aisle. It's a tradition I'd be ok with, if we had a real father-daughter relationship- but we just don't. 

I don't want him walking me down the aisle, and I'm worried he'll suddenly 'pull the plug' on money if his feelings get hurt. I don't want to hurt him or embarrass him- but it feels weird to me for him to walk me down the aisle given our history. 

I just don't know what to do with this situation- and he keeps bringing it up! HELP!

FWIW, my father and I are very, very, VERY close, and DH didn't ask my father for permission, either.

I agree with mobkaz. You need to decide what's more important, your principles or this money, because you cannot have both.

Money comes with strings, and he who pays gets a say. That doesn't meant that your father can say, 'I'm paying, so I get to walk you down the aisle!,' but it does mean he can refuse to pay for the wedding if you refuse to give him the honour he thinks he deserves.

If you don't have respect for him, then to me, this is a non-issue. You refuse his money, you walk down the aisle alone or with your gran, you don't do a father-daughter dance, and you keep your principles intact.

DH has no relationship with his parents. They weren't even invited to our wedding. (Although they did crash it). DH's father wanted to buy him a suit for the wedding, much like his own father had done for him when he was getting married. He said, 'It's tradition!' and DH said, 'Well, that tradition is based on having a real father figure, and mine died when grandpa died, so I'm going to pass, thanks.'

The reality is that this is binary choice and someone is going to be unhappy -- you're going to let him walk you down the aisle and YOU will be unhappy or you're going to deny him that and HE is going to be unhappy.

Inkdancer

Screw tradition. The only person who needs to be asked permission to get married is you.

nurse4va

I'd talk to him about this and explain how you feel.  It sounds like he's got a lot of guilt issues about being an absentee type of parent.  However, that is not your fault, nor should he make you feel guilty about it.  If I were you, I'd not take the money, because it does sound like he wants to manipulate you and turn it around like you should feel bad for him not being there for you. 

Best of luck to you, I know that weddings and funerals can truly bring out the worst in people.  Been there and done that.

chibiyui

Your dad isn't doing shit for you. He's paying for the wedding so he can walk you down the aisle.

I get the whole wanting to take his money because he was a shitty dad, its very human and I certainly used it to get video game consoles at Christmas when I was younger, but if bio-dad started pulling that shit in reagards to walking me down the aisle I'd ream him a new asshole and shove any money he offered up it so fast he'd be coughing up ones for a week. If you're a shitty parent, you don't get to do fun patent stuff with your adult kids. Put him in his place, or be walked over.

SmileDamnit

mobkaz said:

You need to decide if your principles are more important than money.

Decline the money.  All choices regarding the wedding will be between you and your FI.

Accept the money and accept the fact that you will be guilted, manipulated, and told how your wedding will be orchestrated.  They will dictate not only who walks you down the aisle, but will probably mandate a father-daughter dance, who offers a speech, the guest list, and on and on.  Taking the money would be the least of your problems.

Stick to your principles and host the wedding you can afford.

This x 1000! Don't allow yourself to be bought.

HisGirlFriday13

chibiyui said:

Your dad isn't doing shit for you. He's paying for the wedding so he can walk you down the aisle. I get the whole wanting to take his money because he was a shitty dad, its very human and I certainly used it to get video game consoles at Christmas when I was younger, but if bio-dad started pulling that shit in reagards to walking me down the aisle I'd ream him a new asshole and shove any money he offered up it so fast he'd be coughing up ones for a week. If you're a shitty parent, you don't get to do fun patent stuff with your adult kids. Put him in his place, or be walked over.

Well said!!

SapphireCounselor

Niccirf said:

mobkaz said:

You need to decide if your principles are more important than money.

Decline the money.  All choices regarding the wedding will be between you and your FI.

Accept the money and accept the fact that you will be guilted, manipulated, and told how your wedding will be orchestrated.  They will dictate not only who walks you down the aisle, but will probably mandate a father-daughter dance, who offers a speech, the guest list, and on and on.  Taking the money would be the least of your problems.

Stick to your principles and host the wedding you can afford.

This x 1000! Don't allow yourself to be bought.

This. It sucks, and you don't deserve any of this, but it really is that simple.

mbcscrat04

Oh, darling. You and I would probably be the best of friends as this issue that you're having is almost identical with what i'm dealing with.

Don't apologize for the fact that you DH asked your Grandmother for her "blessing" or "permission" to marry you. SHE raised you, SHE was there for you when HE wasn't, SHE stood by your side and was ALWAYS there for you. SHE'S the one who really is your parent, in a way.

On the one hand, those who pay do have a say, but at the end of the day, it's YOUR wedding. It's YOUR special day, and YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I'm sure your dad probably does feel guilty for missing out on so much of your life and is trying to rebuild a relationship with you, but sometimes, it's better to just be friends with him and go from there. Respect and trust are earned, not given. Your dad needs to earn these things from you before he should expect to be treated like a dad who was always there.

I'm sorry that you're going through this when you're in the process of planning for the happiest day of your life. I hope that everything works out ok. And just know that at the end of the day, this is HIS problem, not yours.

mellowmarshmallow

To me, motives matter more than money. My husband and I paid for our own wedding. If my father would have offered to pay for my wedding (which he didn't), I would have turned it down. I believe it would have been more about putting on a show for family/friends of doing what a "good father" should do, not about a genuine desire to do something nice/paternal. Thankfully, I didn't have the make the tough decision like you have to. My best advice is to consider seriously all of the consequences/obligations- guest list, walking down the aisle, father-daughter dance, speeches, etc.- and go with what your gut is telling you.

phira

My advice is to decline your dad's money and let him have his little hissy fit. No one is entitled to special roles at your wedding. No one is entitled to walk you down the aisle (or give you away). Your fiance didn't have to ask ANYONE for permission to marry you except you. That he talked to your grandmother was nice, but not mandatory.

Basically, you and your fiance didn't do anything rude or wrong, and your dad needs to stfu.

Weddings tend to exacerbate family problems. I'm dealing with some similar problems myself. You are NOT alone!