Shower Questions

itslizzyC

Hi everyone, 

My wedding is about 2.5 months away (July 19th) and I just had my first shower this past Saturday.  It was hosted by my MOH and her mother. It was fabulous and cute, and they did a fantastic job! Every detail was thought out and the guests had a blast! It was held in Charlotte, which is where I grew up and currently live.  My FI's family lives about 30 minutes north of the city in a town called Davidson.  I invited all of my close friends AND my FI's family (my FMIL, his two sisters which are also bridesmaids, grandmother, and his local aunts and cousins).  We also invited my FFIL's office staff/coworkers (I work for my FFIL and he own his own small dental practice).  However, not much of his family/ his family friends attended-which is TOTALLY fine! However the frustrating part was that they never RSVPd or ignored calls from my MOH or just simply "forgot" about the shower. My FI's sister AND my bridesmaid didn't even attend because she wanted to compete in a JROTC competition instead.  I was frustrated she didn't make it but she's 15 and I guess doesn't really know what it means to be a bridesmaid.

However the most frustrating part of all of this is after hearing about how great the shower was and how all of my FI's family and friends missed out they now want their own shower.  My FFIL wants to throw a couples shower and asked when we would be free. I told him there honestly aren't any more free weekends between now and the wedding.  So he said well that's okay we'll just throw a shower in your honor if you can't be there.  I think this is incredibly rude and tacky! Is it not? Maybe I'm overreacting, but if you wanted to go to a shower for us then you should have gone to the shower held by my MOH instead of forgetting or it being inconvenient because it's 30 minutes away.

Plus I think adding a fourth shower is just TOO much! My godmother is throwing a shower for me in Cincinnati, where I grew up and all my aunts, grandmothers, and cousins live, and one of my bridesmaids is throwing a shower in Raleigh for all of my college friends. 

What do I do?

huskypuppy14

Decline the shower. It's too bad they couldn't make it, but that's that. FFIL is being incredibly rude. People will side eye a shower without the bride or groom.

ETA: All those people who RSVP'd and didn't show, or didn't RSVP are rude. It sounds like your FI has a lot of rude people in his family.

Maggie0829

itslizzyC said:

Hi everyone, 

My wedding is about 2.5 months away (July 19th) and I just had my first shower this past Saturday.  It was hosted by my MOH and her mother. It was fabulous and cute, and they did a fantastic job! Every detail was thought out and the guests had a blast! It was held in Charlotte, which is where I grew up and currently live.  My FI's family lives about 30 minutes north of the city in a town called Davidson.  I invited all of my close friends AND my FI's family (my FMIL, his two sisters which are also bridesmaids, grandmother, and his local aunts and cousins).  We also invited my FFIL's office staff/coworkers (I work for my FFIL and he own his own small dental practice).  However, not much of his family/ his family friends attended-which is TOTALLY fine! However the frustrating part was that they never RSVPd or ignored calls from my MOH or just simply "forgot" about the shower. My FI's sister AND my bridesmaid didn't even attend because she wanted to compete in a JROTC competition instead.  I was frustrated she didn't make it but she's 15 and I guess doesn't really know what it means to be a bridesmaid.

However the most frustrating part of all of this is after hearing about how great the shower was and how all of my FI's family and friends missed out they now want their own shower.  My FFIL wants to throw a couples shower and asked when we would be free. I told him there honestly aren't any more free weekends between now and the wedding.  So he said well that's okay we'll just throw a shower in your honor if you can't be there.  I think this is incredibly rude and tacky! Is it not? Maybe I'm overreacting, but if you wanted to go to a shower for us then you should have gone to the shower held by my MOH instead of forgetting or it being inconvenient because it's 30 minutes away.

Plus I think adding a fourth shower is just TOO much! My godmother is throwing a shower for me in Cincinnati, where I grew up and all my aunts, grandmothers, and cousins live, and one of my bridesmaids is throwing a shower in Raleigh for all of my college friends. 

What do I do?

What exactly does the bolded mean?  The girl is 15 and I don't blame her for wanting to attend a competition which is probably a hell of a lot more important to her then your shower.  Just because she is a BM does not mean that she had to attend your shower.

As for the rest of your FI family/friends.  Not RSVPing is rude, yes, but how do you know they were ignoring calls from your MOH?  If someone called my phone and I didn't recognize the number I would ignore it to.  Did your MOH leave voicemails?  If not, then you really can't blame them for ignoring her calls.  And surprisingly some people do forget about showers that they said they would attend.  Shit comes up and they get distracted.  It happens.  Finally, some people really would prefer not to drive 30 minutes to go to a shower.  There is nothing wrong with that and it is not rude.

As for your FFIL wanting to throw you a shower.  I would tell him that you appreciate the offer but that you would like to decline.  He can't invite anyone that has already been invited to the other showers because that can be seen as gift grabby.  Make sure your FI is on your side with this one and have him speak to his Dad and tell him that you both are not comfortable with him throwing you a shower even if you won't be there.  But in the end, there is not much you can do if your FFIL decides to go through with this plan.

kaos16

itslizzyC said:

Hi everyone, 

My wedding is about 2.5 months away (July 19th) and I just had my first shower this past Saturday.  It was hosted by my MOH and her mother. It was fabulous and cute, and they did a fantastic job! Every detail was thought out and the guests had a blast! It was held in Charlotte, which is where I grew up and currently live.  My FI's family lives about 30 minutes north of the city in a town called Davidson.  I invited all of my close friends AND my FI's family (my FMIL, his two sisters which are also bridesmaids, grandmother, and his local aunts and cousins).  We also invited my FFIL's office staff/coworkers (I work for my FFIL and he own his own small dental practice).  However, not much of his family/ his family friends attended-which is TOTALLY fine! However the frustrating part was that they never RSVPd or ignored calls from my MOH or just simply "forgot" about the shower. My FI's sister AND my bridesmaid didn't even attend because she wanted to compete in a JROTC competition instead.  I was frustrated she didn't make it but she's 15 and I guess doesn't really know what it means to be a bridesmaid.

However the most frustrating part of all of this is after hearing about how great the shower was and how all of my FI's family and friends missed out they now want their own shower.  My FFIL wants to throw a couples shower and asked when we would be free. I told him there honestly aren't any more free weekends between now and the wedding.  So he said well that's okay we'll just throw a shower in your honor if you can't be there.  I think this is incredibly rude and tacky! Is it not? Maybe I'm overreacting, but if you wanted to go to a shower for us then you should have gone to the shower held by my MOH instead of forgetting or it being inconvenient because it's 30 minutes away.

Plus I think adding a fourth shower is just TOO much! My godmother is throwing a shower for me in Cincinnati, where I grew up and all my aunts, grandmothers, and cousins live, and one of my bridesmaids is throwing a shower in Raleigh for all of my college friends. 

What do I do?

1. Being a bridesmaid means showing up on time for the ceremony in the appropriate attire.  If she couldn't make the shower, or just chose not to attend for that matter, it's fine.  Prewedding party attendance is not a requirement of being in a wedding party.

2. I also think it is weird and tacky to throw a shower in someone's honor when they aren't there.  I would again tell FFIL, or have your fiance tell him, that while you appreciate the gesture you must decline any additional showers.  After that, if he decides to be rude, it's on him, not you

Inkdancer

First of all, hello fellow NC bride! /from Raleigh area Second of all: I see a lot here and I'm going to try to pick it apart.

itslizzyC said:

Hi everyone, 

My wedding is about 2.5 months away (July 19th) and I just had my first shower this past Saturday.  It was hosted by my MOH and her mother. It was fabulous and cute, and they did a fantastic job! Every detail was thought out and the guests had a blast! It was held in Charlotte, which is where I grew up and currently live.  My FI's family lives about 30 minutes north of the city in a town called Davidson.  I invited all of my close friends AND my FI's family (my FMIL, his two sisters which are also bridesmaids, grandmother, and his local aunts and cousins).  We also invited my FFIL's office staff/coworkers (I work for my FFIL and he own his own small dental practice).  However, not much of his family/ his family friends attended-which is TOTALLY fine! However the frustrating part was that they never RSVPd or ignored calls from my MOH or just simply "forgot" about the shower. You're right, that's not very polite, but some people don't think you're supposed to send an RSVP if you aren't coming.  Wrong, but it's a thing. My FI's sister AND my bridesmaid didn't even attend because she wanted to compete in a JROTC competition instead.  I was frustrated she didn't make it but she's 15 and I guess doesn't really know what it means to be a bridesmaid.She seems to know exactly what it means to be a bridesmaid: you show up to the wedding in an appointed dress. Having a competition is a perfectly valid reason for her to miss the shower and you shouldn't hold that against her.

However the most frustrating part of all of this is after hearing about how great the shower was and how all of my FI's family and friends missed out they now want their own shower.  My FFIL wants to throw a couples shower and asked when we would be free. I told him there honestly aren't any more free weekends between now and the wedding.  So he said well that's okay we'll just throw a shower in your honor if you can't be there.  I think this is incredibly rude and tacky! Is it not? Maybe I'm overreacting, but if you wanted to go to a shower for us then you should have gone to the shower held by my MOH instead of forgetting or it being inconvenient because it's 30 minutes away. I think this really depends on the family. Personally, I'd drive from Charlotte to Davidson anytime, but if your MOH lives anywhere near downtown I would be stressed as hell trying to find somewhere to park. I hate cities and avoid going to them as often as possible.

Plus I think adding a fourth shower is just TOO much! My godmother is throwing a shower for me in Cincinnati, where I grew up and all my aunts, grandmothers, and cousins live, and one of my bridesmaids is throwing a shower in Raleigh for all of my college friends. 

What do I do?  You did all you can do. I agree that four showers is too many. (Frankly I think three is too many, but you know your family and friend groups better than I do. Just make sure the guest lists don't overlap except for maybe your parents and siblings.) Your FI's family showed that their priorities were not going to the shower someone else hosted.

You can't stop them from having another party. But it is not possible to have a shower for you if you don't show up (can't shower the B&G with gifts if neither of them shows). Let them have their party, hold your head high, and rise above the drama.

HisGirlFriday13

Agree with @InkDancer. You cannot stop them from having a party, but you don't have to attend, and if you're not there, the party isn't really being held in your honour. 

Just decline it, and tell your FFIL (or have your FI tell him) that you are uncomfortable with a gift-giving event that you can't attend, and unfortunately, you can't because you have no free weekends left between now and the wedding.

I agree that four showers is too many, and quite possibly three is, too, but you know your group better than we do.

Just make sure your FI is on the same page as you are and that you present a united front.

itslizzyC

I do understand that she is just 15 and it isn't a requirement but it would have been nice to have her there. I mean she is going to be my sister. And even though it would have been nice it isn't required so yes I have moved on from that.  It was just another irritation on top of everything else.

@Maggie0829 Yes my MOH did leave voicemails. 

My FFIL wants to invite their friends and family that were already invited to the previous shower because they decided they want their own shower. I am perfectly okay with the fact that shit came up or didn't want to drive 30 minutes to attend.  I do not expects gifts or any explanation nor do I think it's rude if people choose not to attend for those reasons. My FFIL is the one who is disappointed about it and wants to throw a couples shower for those people because they regret not going after seeing how much fun it looked and seeing pictures from the event. 

Maggie0829

I do understand that she is just 15 and it isn't a requirement but it would have been nice to have her there. I mean she is going to be my sister. And even though it would have been nice it isn't required so yes I have moved on from that.  It was just another irritation on top of everything else.

@Maggie0829 Yes my MOH did leave voicemails. 

My FFIL wants to invite their friends and family that were already invited to the previous shower because they decided they want their own shower. I am perfectly okay with the fact that shit came up or didn't want to drive 30 minutes to attend.  I do not expects gifts or any explanation nor do I think it's rude if people choose not to attend for those reasons. My FFIL is the one who is disappointed about it and wants to throw a couples shower for those people because they regret not going after seeing how much fun it looked and seeing pictures from the event. 

Well tough poo. They missed it and no additional shower is going to replicate it.  Your FFIL and all that didn't attend just need to get the hell over it.

itslizzyC

Thank you @HIsGirlFriday13 & @InkDancer

I just cringe at the thought of them all having a party and buying things for us when we won't be there.  It just so tacky! But I cannot change it.  I just don't want anyone to think poorly of me or them to judge my FI & I for not being there.

My FI agrees that it isn't necessary but isn't as strongly opposed as I am. 

On a side note I do think 3 showers is a lot, but we are having a large wedding (300+ invited). I knew my family in Ohio would want one since there is about 40 people, and it would have been difficult for all of them to travel to NC in addition to coming down for the wedding. And my bridesmaid is just having a small shower/girls night out for about 10-15 people in Raleigh, so thankfully there isn't any overlap. 

itslizzyC

Haha! That's the truth!

Maggie0829 said:

I do understand that she is just 15 and it isn't a requirement but it would have been nice to have her there. I mean she is going to be my sister. And even though it would have been nice it isn't required so yes I have moved on from that.  It was just another irritation on top of everything else.

@Maggie0829 Yes my MOH did leave voicemails. 

My FFIL wants to invite their friends and family that were already invited to the previous shower because they decided they want their own shower. I am perfectly okay with the fact that shit came up or didn't want to drive 30 minutes to attend.  I do not expects gifts or any explanation nor do I think it's rude if people choose not to attend for those reasons. My FFIL is the one who is disappointed about it and wants to throw a couples shower for those people because they regret not going after seeing how much fun it looked and seeing pictures from the event. 

Well tough poo. They missed it and no additional shower is going to replicate it.  Your FFIL and all that didn't attend just need to get the hell over it.

HisGirlFriday13

itslizzyC said:

Thank you @HIsGirlFriday13 & @InkDancer

I just cringe at the thought of them all having a party and buying things for us when we won't be there.  It just so tacky! But I cannot change it.  I just don't want anyone to think poorly of me or them to judge my FI & I for not being there.

My FI agrees that it isn't necessary but isn't as strongly opposed as I am. 

On a side note I do think 3 showers is a lot, but we are having a large wedding (300+ invited). I knew my family in Ohio would want one since there is about 40 people, and it would have been difficult for all of them to travel to NC in addition to coming down for the wedding. And my bridesmaid is just having a small shower/girls night out for about 10-15 people in Raleigh, so thankfully there isn't any overlap. 

Since this is his family, he kind of has to take the lead on it. Either he objects enough to tell his father, 'Dad, you had your chance and you missed it,' or he doesn't. But the message really has to come from him. 

And, yeah, a 300+ person wedding with three showers makes a lot more sense.

Jen4948

I agree that your FI should decline the shower for both of you.

But your bridesmaids aren't required to attend your showers.  That the 15 year old couldn't make it for whatever reason is something I would let go.

Sugargirl1019

Hi date twin! 74 days to go!

Snarky sugargirl kind of wants to let them suffer in their shame of being so rude as to not care about you the first time around. They missed out.

But, I may allow a second shower held for their side if they really want it. Maybe. It would be the right thing to do.

But how dare they offer to throw a shower and you not even be there? Rude rude rude. It makes me very smarmy because I feel this is the way my bridal shower invites are going too!

JennyColada

I was just thinking "how many people do you have to invite to your wedding to warrant 3-4 totally separate showers in totally different locals with vastly different invitees?!"

But you answered that. :P

mysticl

Just a couple of thoughts about the 15-year-old.  JROTC is a class which makes me wonder if the competition was a choice or an obligation.  Is she interested in the military as a career?  Because the mission comes first…always.  It comes before your own wedding never mind someone else's bridal shower.  Sometimes it even comes before the birth of your child or the death of loved one.  She might just be learning that lesson early.  

Simply Fated

It sounds like they just need an excuse to get together and they're using your shower as one. For some people getting together just to be together isn't enough, there has to be a reason.
Throwing a shower for someone who isn't there is beyond ridiculous. If your fiance has ANY sense, he'll decline and let them figure their own shit out.

As far as your FSIL goes, I get that you're bummed, but your shower doesn't trump any competition she participates in. Just as her competition isn't more important than your shower. Did you ask how her competition went? Did you tell her you were sorry you missed it? You didn't miss your shower to go to her competition, so you can't be annoyed with her for missing your shower to go to her competition. It works both ways.

manateehugger

mysticl said:

Just a couple of thoughts about the 15-year-old.  JROTC is a class which makes me wonder if the competition was a choice or an obligation.  Is she interested in the military as a career?  Because the mission comes first…always.  It comes before your own wedding never mind someone else's bridal shower.  Sometimes it even comes before the birth of your child or the death of loved one.  She might just be learning that lesson early.  

I agree with PP's. And just to add to his, my FI was once upon a time in ROTC. They train for these competitions for months and months. She's 15 and probably couldn't care less about a bridal shower where she would have few people to talk to. 

itslizzyC

I agree with all of you. I have forgiven her for not attending. But I should have made this clear. She did not train or actually compete in this competition. She is in the class in school but this was something extra for her to watch for fun. It had no effect on her grade in the class. She is not considering a career of it. Just to make things clear. But that isn't the focus of the post. That is truly not an issue any longer. It was intended to be about this "shower" but when typing I went off on a tangent and ranted. We are good now though! I'm excited to finally have sisters! I've grown up with lots of men!