Seriously?! FMIL rant

melbenso

So through our entire wedding planning process, our parents have been pretty awesome. No unreasonable demands. Always willing to help. No requests re: guest list. Until tonight.

Some background: FMIL has four sisters. We invited two of them. One of of the two we did not invite has early onset dementia, lives in an out of state nursing home, and is not well enough to travel. We invited her son and his wife (her husband passed away). The other we did not invite, "Mary," has had no contact with FI for 16 years and virtually no contact with FMIL during that same time.

We also did not invite my dad's brother who has had no contact with my family outside of funerals for the past 30 years.

Tonight, FI gets a call from FMIL asking if we invited Mary (invitations went out almost a month ago). In the 10 months we have been engaged, FMIL never mentioned wanting to invite her. When we got her other sisters' addresses from her, she never offered Mary's, etc.

FI explains that we did not invite her and FMIL tells him we should send her an invitation. FI tells her that he does not want to invite her as he has had 1 brief phone conversation with her and no other contact in a decade and a half. FMIL pushes and FI gets upset. (Apparently Mary, among other issues, has accused his cousin, who he is very close to, of some really nasty, untrue things.) FMIL says we should send her an invitation now without an RSVP card, because then she can call if she wants to come. (Wtf?) We both think FMIL is now feeling bad that her sister isn't invited and wants to save face but doesn't want her there and doesn't want her to come.

We will not be inviting Mary. After FI got off the phone, we discussed it and both were in absolute agreement. FMIL is sending her address "just in case." FI said he will talk to her tomorrow once he has calmed down and explain that we will not be inviting her, as originally planned, for a number of reasons and that there is nothing polite about what FMIL is proposing we do.

But I have a feeling this is going to cause some drama. Fun times.

End rant...

HisGirlFriday13

Ugh. That sucks. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

theartistformerlyknownas

Tell her to fill one hand with "shoulds" and the other with bullshit and see which fills faster.

But really...I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm estranged from my brother, and my mom has made some prodding comments...doesn't change anything between he and I though, and she doesn't get a say. Hugs!

singinchick13

That is really unfortunate. FI and I have some compicated extended family situations as well and are choosing not to invite certain people for similar reasons. Hopefully this will be the last you hear of it!

melbenso

As best I can tell (from the bits of what FMIL's side of the conversation that I was able to hear), FMIL was talking with one of the sisters we have invited yesterday.  This sister apparently has had some contact with Mary recently, mentioned the wedding to her, and is now guilting FMIL into having her invited.

We are not sending a courtesy invitation (with no RSVP - still don't know why she thought that would be better) a month after invitations went out to a woman we have no contact with and no desire to invite just so FMIL's sister will be appeased.  Nope.  Sorry.  Not going to happen. 

The thing that really pisses me off about this "but she's family so she should be there" thing is that when FI's uncle (husband of the sister in the nursing home) passed away 2 years ago, neither his mother nor any of her sisters went to the funeral.  They each made excuses that were pretty ridiculous for a reason not to go (e.g. regularly scheduled doctor's appointment) because they were mad at husband for the way he treated their sister when she got ill and somehow decided this was FI's cousin's fault.  FI was the only person from his family who was there for his cousin when his father passed away.  While they are by no means required to go to the funeral of a man they didn't like, if family was so important, they would have been there for their nephew, regardless of whether his father was a jerk sometimes.

OK, so I guess the rant wasn't quite over yet...

HisGirlFriday13

Actions have consequences. Remind your FMIL that her action was not to want to invite her sister and now the consequence is there are hurt feelings.

melbenso

Also, she has actually known we weren't inviting her for some time.  Our rehearsal dinner, which FMIL is hosting, is for the wedding party and family (including aunts, uncles, and cousins).  I sent her the rehearsal dinner invite list before we sent out invitations to anything in order to confirm that it was 1. in her budget and 2. not missing anyone.  Mary was not on the list.  Her two invited sisters and their families were.  She had no problem with it.

I'm probably over thinking this. 

short+sassy

Hopefully she will let it drop now but, if not, your FI could also point out to FMIL that sending an invitation now would be very rude.  Mary will either think she is B-listed, whereas her two other sisters were on the A-list, or she will know she is getting a "guilt" invitation and isn't wanted at the wedding.

Either way you slice it, sending an invitation now only makes things worse.

kitty8403

There are at least three people (both sides) who will not be invited to ours. This is because of choices they made many years ago that hurt other people. None have had any contact with us for years. This is the consequence of their actions. Our wedding day is not the time to dig up old grievances and try to force awkward reconciliations.
Hold firm, and know you aren't alone in these battles!

melbenso

Well, FI is taking her out to lunch on Sunday for Mother's Day, so if it's going to come up again, that will be the time.  Thus far, we haven't heard anything more about it though.