So frustrated!

SoontobeMrsNytes

OK, so I just need to vent for a minute. My FI has a very close friend he asked to officiate our wedding. We had agreed from the very beginning this would be a small wedding, we have about 50 people. Today, FI calls and asked if I had finished writing the ceremony yet. I told him No, I'm still working on it. He says Well, Officiant Friend needs it, like, now. I tell him to tell Officiant Friend I will email it to him by the end of the week. Then, he drops the bomb. Officiant Friend tells FI his son and his wife planned their annual vacation to see them for the same weekend as our wedding. FI says Oh sure, we have plenty of room, go ahead and bring them!

WT-HOLY-F?! Neither of us have ever even met  this person or his wife! Our wedding is in less than 3 weeks! It's not that we don't have the space, we do. It's not that we don't have the budget, we do. It's that I don't know these people and neither does FI! Seriously anxiety inducing...

RebeccaB88

Well, what's done is done. They're coming. But you and FI should be getting on the same page about stuff like this like yesterday. That's really not cool of him to say that without consulting you first.

Just clarifying...this is the son of your officiant and the son's wife?  Not the son and the officiant's wife?  Because I'd hope you'd already invited the officiant's wife/SO. But I think it's the son and son's wife.

Simply Fated

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

OK, so I just need to vent for a minute. My FI has a very close friend he asked to officiate our wedding. We had agreed from the very beginning this would be a small wedding, we have about 50 people. Today, FI calls and asked if I had finished writing the ceremony yet. I told him No, I'm still working on it. He says Well, Officiant Friend needs it, like, now. I tell him to tell Officiant Friend I will email it to him by the end of the week. Then, he drops the bomb. Officiant Friend tells FI his son and his wife planned their annual vacation to see them for the same weekend as our wedding. FI says Oh sure, we have plenty of room, go ahead and bring them!

WT-HOLY-F?! Neither of us have ever even met  this person or his wife! Our wedding is in less than 3 weeks! It's not that we don't have the space, we do. It's not that we don't have the budget, we do. It's that I don't know these people and neither does FI! Seriously anxiety inducing...

Let me get this straight... your fiance's very close friend is officiating the wedding. Were you and your fiance planning on inviting him to your reception? Because then I don't understand why his WIFE wouldn't be invited, too.

SoontobeMrsNytes

RebeccaB88 said:

Well, what's done is done. They're coming. But you and FI should be getting on the same page about stuff like this like yesterday. That's really not cool of him to say that without consulting you first.

Just clarifying...this is the son of your officiant and the son's wife?  Not the son and the officiant's wife?  Because I'd hope you'd already invited the officiant's wife/SO. But I think it's the son and son's wife.

I'm sorry I wasn't very clear, just a little overwhelmed at the moment...

Yes, we had already invited the Officiant's wife. We would have regardless, but she's also a good friend of FI's. This last minute phone call add on was the Officiant's adult son and his wife.

I agree he should have consulted with me first. Unfortunately, he sometimes speaks without thinking. I'm certain this was an impulse thing, and he was just trying to be accommodating to his friend.

SoontobeMrsNytes

Simply Fated said:

OK, so I just need to vent for a minute. My FI has a very close friend he asked to officiate our wedding. We had agreed from the very beginning this would be a small wedding, we have about 50 people. Today, FI calls and asked if I had finished writing the ceremony yet. I told him No, I'm still working on it. He says Well, Officiant Friend needs it, like, now. I tell him to tell Officiant Friend I will email it to him by the end of the week. Then, he drops the bomb. Officiant Friend tells FI his son and his wife planned their annual vacation to see them for the same weekend as our wedding. FI says Oh sure, we have plenty of room, go ahead and bring them!

WT-HOLY-F?! Neither of us have ever even met  this person or his wife! Our wedding is in less than 3 weeks! It's not that we don't have the space, we do. It's not that we don't have the budget, we do. It's that I don't know these people and neither does FI! Seriously anxiety inducing...

Let me get this straight... your fiance's very close friend is officiating the wedding. Were you and your fiance planning on inviting him to your reception? Because then I don't understand why his WIFE wouldn't be invited, too.

Yes, his very close friend is officiating. Both he and his wife were invited to the reception. The issue is FI adding on his friend's adult son and the son's wife.

Simply Fated

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

Simply Fated said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

OK, so I just need to vent for a minute. My FI has a very close friend he asked to officiate our wedding. We had agreed from the very beginning this would be a small wedding, we have about 50 people. Today, FI calls and asked if I had finished writing the ceremony yet. I told him No, I'm still working on it. He says Well, Officiant Friend needs it, like, now. I tell him to tell Officiant Friend I will email it to him by the end of the week. Then, he drops the bomb. Officiant Friend tells FI his son and his wife planned their annual vacation to see them for the same weekend as our wedding. FI says Oh sure, we have plenty of room, go ahead and bring them!

WT-HOLY-F?! Neither of us have ever even met  this person or his wife! Our wedding is in less than 3 weeks! It's not that we don't have the space, we do. It's not that we don't have the budget, we do. It's that I don't know these people and neither does FI! Seriously anxiety inducing...

Let me get this straight... your fiance's very close friend is officiating the wedding. Were you and your fiance planning on inviting him to your reception? Because then I don't understand why his WIFE wouldn't be invited, too.

Yes, his very close friend is officiating. Both he and his wife were invited to the reception. The issue is FI adding on his friend's adult son and the son's wife.
Ohhhkay gotcha.

Yeah, so your Fi should have came to you, first, but it is what it is. Moving forward you guys should make sure you're on the same page for the guest list.

SoontobeMrsNytes

There shouldn't be any changes to the guest list. The wedding is in less than 3 weeks!

wrigleyville

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

There shouldn't be any changes to the guest list. The wedding is in less than 3 weeks!

Okay, but, what's done is done. Just make sure your FI understands that NOBODY gets an invitation, verbal or otherwise, even if they beg, plead, and cry.

RebeccaFlower

Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

aRachel21

RebeccaFlower said:

Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

I'm all for trying to accommodate the officiant, but it's not like he has a toddler son that needs to travel with him and his wife. His son is a grown man and it was very inappropriate that he decided to invite himself to the wedding. That being said, what's done is done, and I'm sorry your FI didn't consult you before verbally inviting the son and wife.

doeydo

RebeccaFlower said:

Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

Only the friend/officiant and his wife needed to be invited, not the adult son and the son's wife.  

RebeccaFlower

doeydo said: RebeccaFlower said: Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway.  Only the friend/officiant and his wife needed to be invited, not the adult son and the son's wife.   I understand that and agree on the etiquette level, I said I think that they should be accommodating since the alternative could be loosing the officiant or damaging the relationship. That is my personal opinion. 

ktjanesmom

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

SapphireCounselor

As was stated earlier, you didn't have to invite the son and his wife, but your FI did anyway. It is frustrating (and I agree you and your FI need to get on the same page) but ultimately water under the bridge at this point. At least you planned well enough to leave some room for contingencies like this, even if it was a FI-caused contingency. You probably won't even notice these ppl on your wedding day.

tortoisebride

ktjanesmom said:

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

Free party? I still think this news story is a hilarious illustration of how some people view weddings.

melbenso

RebeccaFlower said:

Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

I disagree.  OP invited officiant and officiant's wife.  It's officiant's adult son and daughter in law that they asked to add on, not a minor child living in the home with them.  OP was under no obligation to invite them.  And it was rude of them to ask for these two to be invited so that they could go on a family vacation.

However, PPs are correct.  What's done is done.  Your FI shouldn't have extended an invitation to them without consulting you, but he did.  I'd be having a serious talk with my FI about this if I was in your situation.

beharrington

Hey, at least you know in advance that they are coming and can plan for it... (silver lining?).

climbingsingle

Yup, what's done is done. I'd be pissed at your FI too. There's no reason the adult son and his wife need to attend. So what if they scheduled their vacation that week? Your officiant and his wife will only be attending your wedding for a few hours. 

Maggie0829

Like others have said.  What is done is done.  Be irritated with your FI for the rest of the day but then drop it.  Just make sure that your FI knows that no other invitations, verbal or otherwise can be given out.

Jen4948

RebeccaFlower said:

Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

Wrong.  The only "accommodation" that should have been made for this guy should have been to invite his wife.  He is not entitled to have his adult son and DIL "accommodated" at the wedding of someone he is officiating at and not a guest.  Even if he were a guest, he would not be entitled to have his adult son and DIL "accommodated" at a wedding where they don't know the couple just because it's convenient for him.

OP, I agree that you and your FI need to be on the same page about this.  Unfortunately, you can't uninvite them, but your FI needs to understand that it's not okay for him to issue unilateral verbal invitations

SoontobeMrsNytes

RebeccaFlower said:

Yeah, your issue isn't with your officiant- it's with your FI. Honestly, if he's officiating, I think 

they should have been accommodation anyway. 

SITB:

Why, exactly, should I be obligated to invite the officiant's 30-something year old son and his wife?? Neither FI nor I have ever met this man. He lives several states away. 

Presumably, he talked with his Dad prior to booking his travel arrangements. Shouldn't the Officiant-Friend have said something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry son. Mom and I will be attending, and performing, a wedding that weekend"??

I agree, what's done is done, and there is no un-doing it. I will figure out how to rearrange the seating chart to accommodate.

SoontobeMrsNytes

ktjanesmom said:

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

THIS!! This is exactly what I said!

photokitty

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

ktjanesmom said:

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

THIS!! This is exactly what I said!

I love wedding...I'd be thrilled to attend a fun, well hosted wedding of a stranger!

Your FI screwed the pooch...it's probably not the first or last time it will happen. Move on. Odds are you won't even notice them that day. 

Silver lining -- if you FI's friend isn't changing to officiate, then it's probably still cheaper to add two guests than paying for an officiant.

SoontobeMrsNytes

melbenso said:

RebeccaFlower said:

Honestly, if he's officiating, I think they should have been accommodation anyway. 

I disagree.  OP invited officiant and officiant's wife.  It's officiant's adult son and daughter in law that they asked to add on, not a minor child living in the home with them.  OP was under no obligation to invite them.  And it was rude of them to ask for these two to be invited so that they could go on a family vacation.

However, PPs are correct.  What's done is done.  Your FI shouldn't have extended an invitation to them without consulting you, but he did.  I'd be having a serious talk with my FI about this if I was in your situation.

To the first bolded, Sadly, I think this is why they asked. We're getting married at the beach. The hotel gave us a pretty generous discount on room rates for the entire weekend. I'm fairly certain this is what the real deal is, even if Officiant-Friend isn't forthcoming with that information.

To the second bolded, believe you me, I already did! I know he does feel badly about shooting off at the mouth without really thinking it through.

SoontobeMrsNytes

Maggie0829 said:

Like others have said.  What is done is done.  Be irritated with your FI for the rest of the day but then drop it.  Just make sure that your FI knows that no other invitations, verbal or otherwise can be given out.

I'm working at making my peace with it. I have made it clear we simply can not make any more additions. Not for space or budget issues necessarily, but I have to have the final head count into the caterer by Friday. I also have to have my seating chart to them by Friday so they can order tables and chairs.

SoontobeMrsNytes

photokitty said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

ktjanesmom said:

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

THIS!! This is exactly what I said!

I love wedding...I'd be thrilled to attend a fun, well hosted wedding of a stranger!

Your FI screwed the pooch...it's probably not the first or last time it will happen. Move on. Odds are you won't even notice them that day. 

Silver lining -- if you FI's friend isn't changing to officiate, then it's probably still cheaper to add two guests than paying for an officiant.

Very true. No, he's not charging us to officiate. This was an item of contention in the beginning of the planning. FI and I are both Catholic. Both moms and I wanted a Priest. I even found an organization of Priests that would marry us outside of the Church, at any venue we chose. For whatever reason, it was really important to FI that his friend officiate, so I relented.

Part of my fear now, is that even this late, once word of this "accommodation" gets out and around his circle, there will be more.

SapphireCounselor

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

photokitty said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

ktjanesmom said:

Why on earth would anyone want to attend a wedding for a bride and groom they do not know?

THIS!! This is exactly what I said!

I love wedding...I'd be thrilled to attend a fun, well hosted wedding of a stranger!

Your FI screwed the pooch...it's probably not the first or last time it will happen. Move on. Odds are you won't even notice them that day. 

Silver lining -- if you FI's friend isn't changing to officiate, then it's probably still cheaper to add two guests than paying for an officiant.

Very true. No, he's not charging us to officiate. This was an item of contention in the beginning of the planning. FI and I are both Catholic. Both moms and I wanted a Priest. I even found an organization of Priests that would marry us outside of the Church, at any venue we chose. For whatever reason, it was really important to FI that his friend officiate, so I relented.

Part of my fear now, is that even this late, once word of this "accommodation" gets out and around his circle, there will be more.

This is why you and your FI need to get on the same page now and stand firm. The good news? Unless these additional guests who want accomodations are helping to pay for the wedding, they get no say in who is or is not invited (beyond their SO.)