I just can't do it!

VulgarGirl

Alright, I know traditionally when addressing a wedding invitation to a married couple where they share the same last name it is supposed to be Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark. I know that. But I cannot bring myself to do it. The little feminist in me starts rattling around in there about how a woman doesn't inherit her husband's first name and doesn't give her up identity.

So, would any of you married ladies who share the same last name as your husband, just really hate it you revived a wedding invitation that said Mr. & Mrs. Tony and Pepper Stark? I mean is that just the worst thing on earth? Because that's what I want to do for my married peeps. I'm doubtful they'll even notice. 

I'm probably over thinking this. But just checking in with the knotties (or knotters as HisGirl's husband calls us, and I love that), to make sure none of you would be like "WTF?! What's wrong with this tacky girl!". Oh and also our wedding is fairly informal/casual, if that matters. 

Jen4948

For anyone who really doesn't want to be called Mr. and Mrs., I'd just not use titles. But that's my own preference.  Do your best to find out what your guests' preferences are and go with that.  There are couples who prefer Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, so they should be addressed accordingly.

I'd go with people's actual stated preferences, but default to John and Mary Smith if I can't find out what they are before it's time to send them the invitation.  If they don't like being called John and Mary Smith, they had time to tell me and their not being addressed according to the form they like is due to their own inaction. 

tortoisebride

I tried to go with people's preferences. It almost physically hurt to do so, but people from a certain generation or background may actually find it rude to not use Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark. I wouldn't go with Pepper and Tony Stark because to me the titles are part of the whole weird invitation tradition morass, and some people would be offended if the titles aren't on there. So, for the more traditional  couples, I did the traditional way gagmewithaspoon but for most couples I did Mr. Tony and Mrs. Pepper Stark OR Mr. Tony Stark and Ms. Pepper Potts for the ones who kept their names.

The more I write, the more ridiculous this whole conundrum feels.

VulgarGirl

I wonder if I have any traditional couples. I know my step-mom hates to be called Mrs. Dad'sName LastName. My grandma isn't married. Most of my friends will likely just rip open the envolope as they usually do in their excitement to get actual mail.

manateehugger

I tried to do it according to preferences too, so there were some Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. In a lot of cases though, my default was just Mr. and Mrs. Smith for couples where the wife took husband's name with no first names. Inner envelopes we just scribbled Mary and John. 

smalfrie19

MagicInk said:

Alright, I know traditionally when addressing a wedding invitation to a married couple where they share the same last name it is supposed to be Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark. I know that. But I cannot bring myself to do it. The little feminist in me starts rattling around in there about how a woman doesn't inherit her husband's first name and doesn't give her up identity.

So, would any of you married ladies who share the same last name as your husband, just really hate it you revived a wedding invitation that said Mr. & Mrs. Tony and Pepper Stark? I mean is that just the worst thing on earth? Because that's what I want to do for my married peeps. I'm doubtful they'll even notice. 

I'm probably over thinking this. But just checking in with the knotties (or knotters as HisGirl's husband calls us, and I love that), to make sure none of you would be like "WTF?! What's wrong with this tacky girl!". Oh and also our wedding is fairly informal/casual, if that matters. 

FTR ...never again am I using john/jane smith/doe......and I am pretty sure in line with formality it would be Anthony Stark....

VulgarGirl

smalfrie19 said:

MagicInk said:

Alright, I know traditionally when addressing a wedding invitation to a married couple where they share the same last name it is supposed to be Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark. I know that. But I cannot bring myself to do it. The little feminist in me starts rattling around in there about how a woman doesn't inherit her husband's first name and doesn't give her up identity.

So, would any of you married ladies who share the same last name as your husband, just really hate it you revived a wedding invitation that said Mr. & Mrs. Tony and Pepper Stark? I mean is that just the worst thing on earth? Because that's what I want to do for my married peeps. I'm doubtful they'll even notice. 

I'm probably over thinking this. But just checking in with the knotties (or knotters as HisGirl's husband calls us, and I love that), to make sure none of you would be like "WTF?! What's wrong with this tacky girl!". Oh and also our wedding is fairly informal/casual, if that matters. 

FTR ...never again am I using john/jane smith/doe......and I am pretty sure in line with formality it would be Anthony Stark....

I realized that after I posted! And yes, I got sick of John and Jane and Smith and Doe and Jones. 

Though, I'm a Stoney girl. I love Pepper. But Tony and Steve just go together in my book. Now Pepper and Natalia that would be an unstoppable force. Or Agent Hill. Potts and Hill...oh yeah, I like that.

KGold80

Many of my guests are not traditional...female PHDs who did not take their husbands' last names, others who didn't take their husband's last names, known preference for Ms., divorced people, in relationships, etc. The ones I didn't know how to address were on FI's side so I asked his mom and she asked the ladies how they preferred to be addressed. It took some thought and effort but I was comforted in the knowledge that our invites went out properly addressed and in accordance with guests' preferences. In my guest list there was a substantial generational divide in terms of Mr. and Mrs. Tony Stark - older women preferred it by a longshot.

(<3 tony stark btw)

MyNameIsNot

I address the majority of ours as Mr. and Mrs. Pepper and Tony Stark.  I know that it isn't technically correct, but knowing that a number of my female friends hate having their last names dropped, it seemed like the better option.  Unless you know someone prefers the traditional address, I find it to be a victimless crime.  

MyNameIsNot

I address the majority of ours as Mr. and Mrs. Pepper and Tony Stark.  I know that it isn't technically correct, but knowing that a number of my female friends hate having their last names dropped, it seemed like the better option.  Unless you know someone prefers the traditional address, I find it to be a victimless crime.  

Fran1985

For save the dated I did names with out titles, but I think I would do Mr. and Mrs. Stark. That way both lose the first name 

mysticl

I think I did Mr. and Mrs. Stark.  

CamiSelene

We did it based on preferences as well. FMIL is a big feminist but took her husbands name and goes by 'Ms.' so they were addressed as "Mr. Tony and Ms. Pepper Stark". I also had issues putting "Mr. and Mrs. Tony Stark" so for most addresses we just used the same format of Mr. First name and Mrs. First name Last name. Most people probably wouldn't even think about it when it's addressed that way.

Sugargirl1019

I had someone suggest I address something Mr. And Mrs. Pepper Stark if only the woman was really known but the man was being invited just for etiquette sake. What say you about this?

CMGragain

Etiquette correct addresses for married couples:
1.  Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
2.  Ms. Mary Doe and Mr. John Doe
3.  Ms. Mary Smith and Mr. John Doe

Widows:  Mrs. John  Doe, unless she prefers Ms. Mary Doe.

I wouldn't like ii if I was addressed as Mr. and Mrs. John and Mary Doe.  It is incorrect.
I am very proud of being Mrs. John  Doe.  I did not give up my name when I married him, though I did take his last name.  I sign myself "Jane Ann Doe", but I am addressed as Mrs. John Doe.

HisGirlFriday13

I addressed people by how they want to be addressed. Etiquette is about making people comfortable, and my parents' friends would have been horrified and offended if I had addressed them as 'Mr. Tony and Mrs. Pepper Stark.' 

I took DH's last name when we got married, but I prefer to be Mrs. HisGirl Surname, not Mrs. DHFirst Surname if I'm being addressed by myself. That's my preference. At religious ed, my name badge says, 'Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' because I'm still HisGirl.

That being said, we have gotten mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname, and that's fine with me, because it just doesn't bug me. We've gotten mail address to Mr. and Mrs. DH and HisGirl Surname, which is fine. 

I did side-eye DH's co-worker, who sent us an invitation to her wedding addressed to 'DH and HisGirl Surname,' with no titles and with DH's name spelt wrong. 

Sugargirl1019 said:

I had someone suggest I address something Mr. And Mrs. Pepper Stark if only the woman was really known but the man was being invited just for etiquette sake. What say you about this?

This is fucking shitty. I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck? You're going to use the invitations to tell people that their SOs aren't really wanted but are being invited for etiquette's sake? No. Just no. 

We all invited SOs we didn't like because they were our friends' SOs. Hell, I am not terribly fond of my MOH's FI, but he was invited BY NAME on her invite because he's her FI. I would not have made him feel like a second-class guest. That's rude.

misshart00

Sugargirl1019 said:

I had someone suggest I address something Mr. And Mrs. Pepper Stark if only the woman was really known but the man was being invited just for etiquette sake. What say you about this?

Actually my parents do this occasionally. My step dad often says he's Mr. Jane Doe.

KGold80

MyNameIsNot said:

I address the majority of ours as Mr. and Mrs. Pepper and Tony Stark.  I know that it isn't technically correct, but knowing that a number of my female friends hate having their last names dropped, it seemed like the better option.  Unless you know someone prefers the traditional address, I find it to be a victimless crime.  

Well, from what I understand, the husband's first and last names should not be separated. So if you're not using "Mr. and Mrs. Tony Stark" you're supposed to keep the husband's full name intact. So, I addressed some of ours as "Mr. Tony Stark and Ms. Pepper Stark." It looks weird, but it's technically correct. I'm sure all of these efforts go into the bin upon opening the invitation, however!

theartistformerlyknownas

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

VulgarGirl

So was showing FI this thread (who did not know the rule and said "Fuck that" when I told her, I'm in charge of invitations anyways so I'll be doing the addressing for the most part) and she brought up a really good point.

lilybet13 tackled that already.

And also, I'm seeing a lot of "what they prefer", so I'm inferring from that...it's not totally weird if I call someone up and say "How the hell do you want to addressed?" because day to day I call everyone by their first names. And I know what some people like (including one guy friend who likes being Dr. & Mr. Pepper Potts, I don't know why), but most of them I'd just be guessing.

Jen4948

No, I think it's fine to call people and just say something like, "Hey, FI and I want to invite you and Tom to our wedding.  We'd like to make sure we're addressing you the way you'd like.  Can you tell us what titles and names you go by?"

VulgarGirl

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

*Boxy boxy I'm in a box*

We did our save the dates the same way, so now I'm having to think about it and yes! I'm twitching too! I don't even know how that phone call goes. "Hi, I'm addressing the wedding invites, how the hell do you want me to write your name?" because I'm betting I get a lot of "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter" or "WTF why are you bugging me, how don't you know how to address an envelope" and so on and so forth.

We have no idea how we want to be introduced. She's taking my last name, but says if I ever refer to her as Mrs. Fiona LastName, she'll never make me coffee again (this is big threat, I need coffee in order to function enough to make coffee...you see the problem). So Mrs & Mrs LastName? The LastNames? Sophie and Fiona LastName? Dr. and Mrs. Fiona and Sophia LastName? The last one sounds all fancy I guess...

KGold80

lolo883 said:

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

Shit...I'm hyphenating, so this is driving me batty! I have no idea how to be introduced!

tammym1001

Because we kept our guest list small I already knew how everyone would prefer to be addressed. Older relatives were Mr. and Mrs. Joe Schmoe. 

I did ask one friend how to address her envelope because she didn't take her H's last name legally, but she uses it socially. She told me to address it however I wanted because she didn't care.

Our officiant gave us an example of ceremony wording and on the part where the introduce the couple he has a big paragraph of different options to be addressed for the first time. I told him we wanted to be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. FI'sfirstname FI'slastname. He seemed really surprised by that and said people don't really do that anymore.

Jen4948

KGold80 said:

lolo883 said:

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

Shit...I'm hyphenating, so this is driving me batty! I have no idea how to be introduced!

Why not just be introduced by your first names at the reception, and then use your full names to sign your thank-you notes?

KGold80

Jen4948 said:

KGold80 said:

lolo883 said:

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

Shit...I'm hyphenating, so this is driving me batty! I have no idea how to be introduced!

Why not just be introduced by your first names at the reception, and then use your full names to sign your thank-you notes?

It isn't just at the reception...we would also be introduced by the officiant after the ceremony, and in that case, being introduced by first names only would seem silly.

VulgarGirl

I gotta say, I kind of like the idea of being addressed as Dr at my wedding. I almost never use it, but it feels so fancy and grown up.

So I remembered two other guest sets that are problem children. Both poly relationships, one of four and one of three. The four all share the same last name...so..."The Banners"? Not sure if we're doing inner and outer envelopes yet (still trying to a pick invites). And of the three two have the same last name, one does not. I don't even fucking know with them. 

This is what I get for having weirdo friends. I have never in my life wanted more traditional friends as badly as I do right now.

Jen4948

KGold80 said:

Jen4948 said:

KGold80 said:

lolo883 said:

AAAAARGH this whole thing makes me twitchy. I did my Save the Dates Pepper and Tony Stark so I didn't have to think about titles yet. The thought of asking 135 couples how they prefer to be addressed makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We do have a heck of a lot of older, traditional folks... maybe the aunts and uncles I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Fuddy McDuddy... but the siblings/cousins will be far more Dr. Fancy Pantserson and Mr. Married Outof-Hisleague anyway.

I've already stressed myself beyond belief at how I want us to be introduced at the reception. I am changing my name, but don't want to be "Mr. and Mrs. Groomy Weddinghead." His name isn't changing at all, why does it get all the glory? But "the new Mr. and Mrs. Groomy and Bridina Weddinghead" isn't technically proper, or follow the "ladies first" rule, or very fancy. 

Shit...I'm hyphenating, so this is driving me batty! I have no idea how to be introduced!

Why not just be introduced by your first names at the reception, and then use your full names to sign your thank-you notes?

It isn't just at the reception...we would also be introduced by the officiant after the ceremony, and in that case, being introduced by first names only would seem silly.

I'd skip the introduction at the end of the ceremony.  The officiant doesn't need to "announce" you after s/he pronounces you husband and wife.  It's redundant.

HisGirlFriday13

We were introduced by our priest and by our DJ as 'DH and HisGirl Surname,' because I took DH's name but didn't lose my own.

As far as asking people....yep, just do it. It's not weird. I knew how my parents' friends wanted to be addressed (or my mother did), and with the other people, I just asked. No one was offended by it. 

(Other than one person who kept her maiden name on FB and in her work life and signs everything by it but apparently actually legally changed her name to her husband's and I was apparenlty supposed to guess that.)

photokitty

SO my sister in law took my sister's last name.

Would they are addressed:

Mrs. & Mrs. Sissy Speck

OR

Mrs. Betty & Mrs. Sissy Speck

????

Do they get to decide if they are Mrs or Ms or does etiquette have an opinion? Not that I care, but I go with what the person wants not his one...I'm not calling a divorcee Mrs unless you wants it, and having been one I can't imagine wanting to be called Mrs...

Luckily I sent my invites out before their wedding in DC occurred. They were introduced at our wedding as Betty & Sissy Speck, but we didn't have to worry about any formal titles on the day of the wedding

theartistformerlyknownas

photokitty said:

SO my sister in law took my sister's last name.

Would they are addressed:

Mrs. & Mrs. Sissy Speck

OR

Mrs. Betty & Mrs. Sissy Speck

????

Do they get to decide if they are Mrs or Ms or does etiquette have an opinion? Not that I care, but I go with what the person wants not his one...I'm not calling a divorcee Mrs unless you wants it, and having been one I can't imagine wanting to be called Mrs...

Luckily I sent my invites out before their wedding in DC occurred. They were introduced at our wedding as Betty & Sissy Speck, but we didn't have to worry about any formal titles on the day of the wedding

I BELIEVE "Mrs. Betty Speck and Mrs. Sissy Speck" would be the most etiquette-friendly, although there's no rule yet. I think it makes sense to treat them as if they're married but retaining different names, since there's no rule over which first name would be subsumed by the other. There's no plural for missus-es, but "The Misses Speck" would indicate sisters so I wouldn't do that anyway.