Walking Me Down the Aisle...Help!

soontobemrsswanson41

Just a little background on my family dynamics and situation. My mother and father divorced when I was three. My mother re-married when I was five as has been happily married for 22 years to my wonderful stepfather. My father has also been re-married to my stepmother for 14 years -- our family dynamic is great and I am so lucky to have four parents that I absolutely adore. I am getting married in September and with that being said...

I was speaking with my father in early March regarding the wedding outfits for himself, my fiancés father and my stepfather…how I wanted them all to be in tuxes to coordinate with the groomsmen (or a nice black suit, whatever the case.) I wasn’t prepared to talk about it at the moment but my father then asked why my stepdad was going to be in a tux as well and I said because he’s my stepdad and part of the immediate family (and helping pay for half of the wedding along with my dad/stepmom)…then he quickly asked who was walking me down the aisle…and I just blurted out “um, youuuu..” and he said “good, I don’t want any help with that”. My heart kind of sank.

Before my dad and I had that un-prepared conversation, I was honestly floating ideas in my head to have the best and most influential men in my life (aside from my brother and fiancé) to walk me down the aisle together (It may be very unconventional but that’s our family dynamic, you know?) I understand how my dad doesn’t want my stepfather to help with that because I am his only daughter (and youngest out of four children) however, my stepfather has been in my life for so long, [and a little background on him: he lost his daughter to a horrific car accident recently and before that, they had a falling out and was not invited to her wedding]…and I am too, my stepfather's 'little girl'. This has been eating at me for months because I don’t want to disrespect my dad whatsoever because I love him to death and don’t want to hurt his feelings (he has a tough outer shell but he truly is a big teddy bear and super sensitive on the inside). At the same time, I don’t want to hurt my stepfather's feelings. My thoughts are, if I did have both of them by my side, it doesn’t change the fact that my dad is my dad and my love for him is forever eternal but it shows our family dynamic and that I have FOUR parents that I absolutely love and adore….If I could, I would want all four of them to walk me down.

This has literally been one of the hardest things for me to think about and I just need help on how I should go about this without hurting anyone - Has anyone had to deal with a situation similar and how did you go about it? I’m so sad thinking about hurting anyone's feelings and I’m a “fixer” when it comes to this stuff. I'm possibly thinking of solutions such as having just my dad walk me down the aisle and then having two father daughter dances to honor them both.

Sincerely,

Losing too much sleep over this  

VulgarGirl

The relationship you have with your step-father in no way diminishes the relationship you have with your father. Some kids get one or two parents, you got four (I have four too), so kick ass. 

If it were me I'd sit dad down and tell him "Dad, I love you we have a great relationship and I look forward to you walking me down the aisle. But I also have a great relationship with step-dad and I want him walking by my side as well. This isn't a competition, you both influenced and loved me and made me the woman I am today. I want you both by my side", make it about how positive it is that you got to have two dads raise you. 

How does your step-dad feel about walking you down the aisle? 

soontobemrsswanson41

@MagicInk - First of all, best gif ever, as I would have to agree lol. Thank you for your comment and I think that is a great way to go about it... just need to grow some 'cojones' to bring it up. I want to do the discussion in person however we just moved about 16 hours away from my parents, which makes it a little more difficult.

...I may have slightly mentioned to my stepfather that I want him to walk me down the aisle along side my father, when we first got engaged... I was in the moment and I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself and fiancé (they way it should be)... but admit I may have jumped the gun on that one.

His reaction was undeniably awesome - he is not an emotional guy and his eyes filled up with tears. He asked me "have you talked to your dad about me doing this?" I told him no but I would. That's why when my dad mentioned he didn't want any help, it crushed my soul because I was planning on talking to him next time I was home to see him in person. Plan failed and I ponied out.

I told my mom how my dad mentioned the aisle ordeal and she obviously told my stepdad. Stepdad humbly called me and said he is totally willing to not walk me down the aisle and doesn't want any confrontation... but it just wouldn't feel right, you know? I thought wedding planning was suppose to be fun 

VulgarGirl

soontobemrsswanson41 said:

@MagicInk - First of all, best gif ever, as I would have to agree lol. Thank you for your comment and I think that is a great way to go about it... just need to grow some 'cojones' to bring it up. I want to do the discussion in person however we just moved about 16 hours away from my parents, which makes it a little more difficult.

...I may have slightly mentioned to my stepfather that I want him to walk me down the aisle along side my father, when we first got engaged... I was in the moment and I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself and fiancé (they way it should be)... but admit I may have jumped the gun on that one.

His reaction was undeniably awesome - he is not an emotional guy and his eyes filled up with tears. He asked me "have you talked to your dad about me doing this?" I told him no but I would. That's why when my dad mentioned he didn't want any help, it crushed my soul because I was planning on talking to him next time I was home to see him in person. Plan failed and I ponied out.

I told my mom how my dad mentioned the aisle ordeal and she obviously told my stepdad. Stepdad humbly called me and said he is totally willing to not walk me down the aisle and doesn't want any confrontation... but it just wouldn't feel right, you know? I thought wedding planning was suppose to be fun 

Yeah, that's how they get you. Oh get married it's so much fun! And then you start planning the wedding and realize they lied. It's cool, once you get married you get to lie to other people.

Since you're dad made the comment about not needing help, I'd focus on telling him how this isn't about someone "helping" him, but rather about them participating in a celebration of you together.

Do they get along pretty well?

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with @MagicInk. This is an incredibly personal decision, and if you want them both to do it, they should both do it.

As I posted in a different thread yesterday, or maybe it was on FB, families in 2014 don't look like Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, and a dog. There are multiple parents of both genders, and that's OK. 

Both of your fathers raised you, and they should both have the honour of walking you down the aisle if that's what you want. 

Maybe you could write a letter to your dad, to give you a chance to go over exactly what you want to say to him -- much like you posted here! -- and then mail it to him. That way, he has time to process it, and he doesn't feel like you're springing it on him.

KGold80

MagicInk said:

The relationship you have with your step-father in no way diminishes the relationship you have with your father. Some kids get one or two parents, you got four (I have four too), so kick ass. 

If it were me I'd sit dad down and tell him "Dad, I love you we have a great relationship and I look forward to you walking me down the aisle. But I also have a great relationship with step-dad and I want him walking by my side as well. This isn't a competition, you both influenced and loved me and made me the woman I am today. I want you both by my side", make it about how positive it is that you got to have two dads raise you. 

How does your step-dad feel about walking you down the aisle? 

This right here is perfect. I hope your dad comes around and gives you the opportunity to honor the TWO great men who have loved and supported you. I had both my dad and stepdad walk me down the aisle at my first wedding and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Honestly, I didn't give either of them the choice to exclude the other. That's just the way it was - take it or leave it.

However, you kind of made a mistake when you first discussed it with your dad by not mentioning that you would like them both to accompany you. That is what you have to address first and you should probably be prepared to offer an apology, but at the end of the day, would you feel as though your day was made less special if stepdad didn't also accompany you? If so, you need to address this issue with your dad and tell him how much it means to you.

CMGragain

Your Dad put his foot in his mouth.  We all do that sometimes.  Talk to him privately.  Be firm.  He's old enough to take it.