Can't stop fighting

GollyTM

Hi all,

FI and I can't stop fighting long enough to get any actual planning done and it is becoming problematic...

From the very first wedding convo we ever had, we have been unable to keep a conversation civil long enough to plan anything. In every other aspect of our relationship we have wonderful communication, I mean well above average, but when it comes to the "W" word.....it goes downhill fast. 

We have been engaged for 6 months, and have zero plans, because, well, literally every time we talk about it we come up with a new plan to try to fit in with what the other says they want. It has become a routine, and we are both so ready to be done with it. We both still love each other very much and really do want to spend our lives together. I have suggested skipping the  wedding more than a few times, but he insists he absolutely wants us to have a wedding. Neither of us is willing to relinquish complete control, and we have tried every exercise and worksheet and method in our attempt to plan it (for example, rules that we won't talk about it for a few weeks, or that we only speak about it via email, or making lists of the things that are important to us and rating them from highest to lowest importance, etc etc).

We are really really trying, both of us, but we just can't seem to get anywhere. Meanwhile, FI wants to shorten our timeline and aim to get married in July/August/September 2014 (yes, as in 2/3/4 months). I am perfectly happy to do this, but.....how?

I mean, I know how to plan the wedding in 2 months, I have mock planned 6 to 8 weddings at this point in an attempt to get this puppy planned, so I'm good on that and know what our limits, etc are, but how can we possible do that when we can't get this bird off the ground?

I'm pretty positive it isn't normal at this point....and I'm very near taking the stance that if we can't figure out how to start planning a wedding constructively then we don't deserve to have one! Advice?

Ven&Radio

I think you identified your own problem. You said neither one of you is willing to relinquish complete control. Compromise is an important part of any relationship. If both of you want to be heavily involved in planning a wedding, you're both going to have to realize that it won't be 100% of either persons vision.

thejucheidea

This makes me happy that my husband gave no shits and just had me plan the whole thing. I hated it, but at least it was done.

HisGirlFriday13

I agree that the problem is you won't relinquish control. DH and I have a deal in our marriage that whoever cares more about an issue gets to decide the issue. We approached wedding planning the same way. Whichever of us cared more about a particular aspect got to decide that aspect.

Can you and your FI sit down and figure out which of the things you each cares about and the agree to let that person handle that?

The other suggestions I have are:

1. Write down the different elements on individual pieces of paper, put them in a ball cap, and draw them out, alternating turns. Whichever you draw, that person gets to decide.

2. Write down all the options you each want -- i.e., 100 guests, 200 guests, real flowers, silk flowers, whatever -- and draw THOSE out of a ball cap and let the odds decide your wedding for you.

*Barbie*

if the two of you can't manage to plan a party without fighting this much, how in the world do you expect to work through any *difficult* issues/situations that may arise when you're married: 

long term care for a sick relative

death in the family

job loss

raising children

relocation

medical emergency

budget/money issues

NOLABridesmaid

Barbie, don't forget buying a house. Yep, that's going to be fun too.

VarunaTT

What in the world could you be so far apart on that it's causing these fights?  

*Barbie*

@NOLABridesmaid - absolutely right - buying a house/car/any major purchase

akaufman85

One of the very fist things we did was wrote down the top five most important things to us for our wedding . I would start from there and like people above have said compromise is key. Remember the day is about both of you and your going to want to incorporate things that are important to each one of you not just one person. 

LarraO2530

I agree with PP in that unless you or your FI doesn't care about any particular aspect, neither of you will have 100% of what you invisioned. Planning has to be compromise, give and take, and asking each other lots of questions. My FI complains that "all you said I had to do was be there on time and dressed properly" when I show him flower arrangements, or ask him what he thinks about the center pieces I saved in my "favorites" ... but I have discovered these are aspects of the wedding he doesn't really care to have any involvement in. When it comes to choosing colors, his GM's attire, his own attire, venues, date, food, and songs he's planning with me 200%.

dharmabunny

NOLABridesmaid said:

Barbie, don't forget buying a house. Yep, that's going to be fun too.

Yep. Or house remodel. Divorce court, Home Depot district.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

"I mean, I know how to plan the wedding in 2 months, I have mock planned 6 to 8 weddings at this point in an attempt to get this puppy planned, so I'm good on that and know what our limits, etc are, but how can we possible do that when we can't get this bird off the ground?"

HisGirlFriday13: Write down the options, and have a conversation.  

AddieCake

Yes, what exactly are the aspects you're fighting about? 

misscoffeeplease

I speak from experience. It's like walking on eggshells around here to talk about our wedding. We got engaged in Dec 2013. We originally chosen a wedding for this year in August. We had already done STDs, bought my wedding dress, booked the venue and a lot of other things but we ended up postponing it. Every "planning wedding talk" turned into an argument and it all boiled down to finances. (We are paying the wedding ourselves). Are you guys paying for your own wedding or is anyone helping?

Communicate, make a budget and compromise. He has to meet you somewhere in the middle.