Not Engaged Yet

Am I nagging or just impatient?

I'll start out by saying hi, I may be new to this board, but not new to internet boards, so, thick skin- yes. Crazy- yes. Cred here- none yet, I know that comes with time. Also, it seems impossible for me to say anything in a sentence that I can't string out into a novel, so I apologize that I do ramle a bit.
Back story- manpanion (we feel too old to call him bf, so that's my title for him) and I are coming up on out 2nd (3rd?) anniversary dating in just a few days. We've known we will eventually get married since about 6 months into dating (we've known each other 5 or 6 years.) he is awesome, everything I could hope for in a partner and future husband. We have been living together for just about a year with 2 fur babies (dog and rabbit.)
The issue: (warning- I already know I am being crazy and a little impatient. This is part rant part cry for help and mostly venting to people I'm sure have been in my position.) I am ready to just get this wedding business over with. He has had my engagement ring for over a year, and it's not on my finger yet. He has said that I can start tentative planning (looking at venues, pricing, setting a gameplan) but I feel crazy doing so when I don't have that silly ring and I can't tell certain people that we are engaged (I know, a ring does not = an engagement, but one of "the rules" is no planning with family till it's truly "official" yes, rules are silly, but they do keep us more sane) so, I've realized I'm at a catch 22, I can't really set a budget or find a venue without a tentative number of guests. I can't get a tentative number of guests because his answer to who do you want to invite is "you know my friends, and you need to talk to my mom about family later." Yes, I've come to realize that this is his way of telling me I can start planning without any pressure on him of it going anywhere. Have I mentioned we are both passive aggressive and it's honestly one of the things I love most about him because we are so honest about it and it becomes a joke? Sigh. So, I bring up ideas (for dates: maybe close to our anniversary? Maybe 51615? A Saturday, palendrome and we started dating on 5/13? ) or, I found this cute venue, what do you think? He sighs, tells me I'm a crazy person, and that he loves how excited I am to spend my life with him. I know the reason I don't have that ring yet is that he wants to talk to my dad. Admirable- yes. But that will be easy. On thanksgiving manpanion told my dad he wanted to go out for drinks and my dad got beyond excited. Like, "is it that kind of going out for drinks? You know my answer is already yes, can we go now?" Kind of excited. They've gone out together a few times since then, and nothing.
Now, normally I'm not one to rush things, and I know I stress both of us out thinking this way, and I also reiterate that I am crazy. My younger sister announced her engagement to her on again off again bf in August. She says it will be a long engagement, but as sudden as the engagement was, I don't know if I believe her. I do not want to plan around her. Nothing (well, honestly not MUCH) to do with I'm older me first, more she will think in stepping on her toes if my wedding is in the same year, so I want to pick a date first. Also, manpanions mom is sick, and seems to be giving up. We have agreed she needs big things to look forward to, helping to plan a wedding would really help keep her spirits up and keep her fighting. She is an awesome person and I know we both want her at our wedding. We do need to pick up the pace if that's going to happen, as much as I don't want it to be.
I try to keep the wedding conversations to a minimum (maybe once or twice a week? Sometimes more, sometimes less) but I just want to get it over with now, and really, I feel like I'll be able to calm down once I get that darned ring on my finger!
Also- throwing this out there, I was not snooping finding the ring. He had sent me some pictures to gage my taste, then once we moved into our house he asked me to check for some money he had squirreled away in a box that he keeps special things in while he was at work. Well, the money was right next to a tiny ring box, and one of the rings he had sent a picture of was sitting in that box. It is absolutely perfect.
So, moral of the story, am I already to the point of nagging, or still (as it is in my head) just friendly ribbing and encouragement? Am I as crazy as I think I am or just overly excited? I really do hope he is just teasing when he says that the more I bug him the longer he will wait, but since he's had the ring over a year, I'm not quite sure...
End rant. Thanks for reading. Gold stars if you actually read the whole thing. Thanks so much in advance for any advice, obviously I need it. And I'll attach the picture of the ring so y'all see what I'm so excited about.

Re: Am I nagging or just impatient?

  • FoxandBunnyFoxandBunny Alabama member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Emmyghoul said:
    I'll start out by saying hi, I may be new to this board, but not new to internet boards, so, thick skin- yes. Crazy- yes. Cred here- none yet, I know that comes with time. Also, it seems impossible for me to say anything in a sentence that I can't string out into a novel, so I apologize that I do ramle a bit. Back story- manpanion (we feel too old to call him bf, so that's my title for him) and I are coming up on out 2nd (3rd?) anniversary dating in just a few days. We've known we will eventually get married since about 6 months into dating (we've known each other 5 or 6 years.) he is awesome, everything I could hope for in a partner and future husband. We have been living together for just about a year with 2 fur babies (dog and rabbit.) The issue: (warning- I already know I am being crazy and a little impatient. This is part rant part cry for help and mostly venting to people I'm sure have been in my position.) I am ready to just get this wedding business over with. He has had my engagement ring for over a year, and it's not on my finger yet. He has said that I can start tentative planning (looking at venues, pricing, setting a gameplan) but I feel crazy doing so when I don't have that silly ring and I can't tell certain people that we are engaged (I know, a ring does not = an engagement, but one of "the rules" is no planning with family till it's truly "official" yes, rules are silly, but they do keep us more sane) so, I've realized I'm at a catch 22, I can't really set a budget or find a venue without a tentative number of guests. I can't get a tentative number of guests because his answer to who do you want to invite is "you know my friends, and you need to talk to my mom about family later." Yes, I've come to realize that this is his way of telling me I can start planning without any pressure on him of it going anywhere. Have I mentioned we are both passive aggressive and it's honestly one of the things I love most about him because we are so honest about it and it becomes a joke? Sigh. So, I bring up ideas (for dates: maybe close to our anniversary? Maybe 51615? A Saturday, palendrome and we started dating on 5/13? ) or, I found this cute venue, what do you think? He sighs, tells me I'm a crazy person, and that he loves how excited I am to spend my life with him. I know the reason I don't have that ring yet is that he wants to talk to my dad. Admirable- yes. But that will be easy. On thanksgiving manpanion told my dad he wanted to go out for drinks and my dad got beyond excited. Like, "is it that kind of going out for drinks? You know my answer is already yes, can we go now?" Kind of excited. They've gone out together a few times since then, and nothing. Now, normally I'm not one to rush things, and I know I stress both of us out thinking this way, and I also reiterate that I am crazy. My younger sister announced her engagement to her on again off again bf in August. She says it will be a long engagement, but as sudden as the engagement was, I don't know if I believe her. I do not want to plan around her. Nothing (well, honestly not MUCH) to do with I'm older me first, more she will think in stepping on her toes if my wedding is in the same year, so I want to pick a date first. Also, manpanions mom is sick, and seems to be giving up. We have agreed she needs big things to look forward to, helping to plan a wedding would really help keep her spirits up and keep her fighting. She is an awesome person and I know we both want her at our wedding. We do need to pick up the pace if that's going to happen, as much as I don't want it to be. I try to keep the wedding conversations to a minimum (maybe once or twice a week? Sometimes more, sometimes less) but I just want to get it over with now, and really, I feel like I'll be able to calm down once I get that darned ring on my finger! Also- throwing this out there, I was not snooping finding the ring. He had sent me some pictures to gage my taste, then once we moved into our house he asked me to check for some money he had squirreled away in a box that he keeps special things in while he was at work. Well, the money was right next to a tiny ring box, and one of the rings he had sent a picture of was sitting in that box. It is absolutely perfect. So, moral of the story, am I already to the point of nagging, or still (as it is in my head) just friendly ribbing and encouragement? Am I as crazy as I think I am or just overly excited? I really do hope he is just teasing when he says that the more I bug him the longer he will wait, but since he's had the ring over a year, I'm not quite sure... End rant. Thanks for reading. Gold stars if you actually read the whole thing. Thanks so much in advance for any advice, obviously I need it. And I'll attach the picture of the ring so y'all see what I'm so excited about.
    Welcome! That's a pretty ring!

    First off, don't plan until you consider yourselves engaged. Your gut feelings on the subject are correct. There is no need to plan before that point, as an engagement is a time for planning. Plus, to plan a wedding you need to have serious and straight conversations with your BF about things like budget and his opinion, and he seems to be blowing you off. You can't plan a wedding unless you know a budget or an estimated number of guests. 

    I suggest you talk to you BF. Sit him down and have a serious, non-passive aggressive conversation. To have a good marriage you need to be able to communicate so start now. He seems to be brushing you off and unwilling to talk to you about this, which is not good. Talk to him about your concerns and ask about a timeline. Some guys take a while to propose (I think a member here waited well over a year for her BF to propose once he had the ring) so don't pressure him to propose, just ask about where his mind is on the subject. Tell him you don't feel comfortable planning until you are engaged. He should be willing to honor that. I wouldn't bring up the whole asking your dad thing though, as it has a good possibility of coming off as accusatory. 

    Side-note:Your use of "manpanion" annoys me and confuses me. How old does one have to be for boyfriend to be too young of a term? Also, paragraphs are your friend.

    Edited for clarification because my 2:40 am self is not the best at being clear.
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    Blackbird230
  • @emmyghoul like PP said, you need to sit downand talk to BF. If you guys both agree that you want to get married to each other and want to share that with the world, then congratulations, you're engaged. I'm side-eyeing the fact that you can't tell family, so I'm thinking he's not 100% ready to be engaged.

    In the meantime, just enjoy your time together as BF and GF because once you're engaged and start planning, time goes by SO FAST.

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  • EmmyghoulEmmyghoul member
    10 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited May 2014
    Thank you ladies. I definitely needed some perspective. The talks we have had are all very much, this will happen, why rush? And I just get anxious. The ring is such a trivial part, but that is what changes other peoples opinions. To his coworkers and all of our friends, we are engaged (this is in his words, he even talks about what he wants his groomsmen to wear, etc with them) but his parents are very traditional (still so not ok that we are living in sin) and he won't talk to them till he has talked to my dad, then we are golden.

    I also think his hesitation is at least in part that he wants this to be special, and a surprise. If he has me thinking it's going to be months or years, when he finally dose propose, it will be more special in his mind. We have talked of other couple friends engagements and how it's basically tossing the ring in her lap, and he isn't ok with that. When it happens, I do know it will be something pretty awesome.

    Sorry about the paragraphs, when I get ramble at 2am, i just don't think. I promise I'm normally better at it.

    And as for the manpanion business, I know people either love it or hate it, but I'll explain. I am 29 and he is 36, no we aren't old, but when we started dating, he expressed that he was uncomfortable being called a BOYfriend. I had mentioned that a close friend of mine called her (now husband) manpanion and that I had thought it was cute, he liked the idea, it stuck. I am by no means saying that there is an age cutoff for anyone else to use bf/gf, but for us, this works and makes him (and me too, really) express in a subtle way that this IS diferent from "childhood" relationships. If it's bothersome still, call it my pet name for him.

    And also, I know a part of the hesitation is, of course, money. We live comfortably enough, but those are expenses he doesn't want to think of. In the minimal planning we've done, he has thrown out ideas and I've looked up an approximate price, and he had no clue weddings were so expensive. He wants fairly traditional, and I'm totally good right now with walking to the courthouse (other than the family drama that would cause.)

    But again, thank you ladies. I'm off of my ledge, not freaking out as much, since my friends and even his don't help (they nag him more than me, he even asked if I had been talking to his boss, after boss told him he had better hurry up and ask me!) now it's time to stop thinking and get to bed.
  • Welcome! Very pretty ring :)

    In addition to PP, you mentioned BF's mom. With her health not being great, your reaction is "This needs to get done! She needs to be there!" His probably isn't the same. For myself - and certainly for my BF and his family - if there was something serious happening, we would be less than thrilled to be planning a celebration in the midst of it. He may be dragging his feet to "commit" to an engagement because of this.

    And of course the fix is to talk to him, like everyone else said. Certainly don't waste sleeping time thinking about it! Haha :) Good luck!
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Welcome!

    So honestly I didn't read that post in great detail because it was a lot of text without line breaks.

    But I do think you really need to talk with your partner directly about the reason he hasn't made it "official" yet even though he has the ring. You both need to understand what's going on, and why he's hesitating. In the mean time, I would stop any planning (tentative or otherwise) until you consider yourselves engaged.
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  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, I think you're being a little 'naggy'.  I get it, I started dating my FI when I was 28 years old and we got engaged when I was 34 (I'm 35 now).  There were I few times I had the lovely 'Drunken Lorelai Gilmore speech' from Lane's wedding in my head: I’m not getting married. No, it ain’t for me. It’s not in the cards)

    With me and my FI it came down to actually just sitting down and discussing matters.  After discussing we just decided 'hey let's just be engaged now'; FI has admitted that he wishes we would have had the conversation WAY earlier; he wasn't sure if I wanted some big elaborate thing or how to do that because he wanted me to pick my ring.  I did have to push a little bit because we are both passive - he kept saying asking about the ring and such, but it was me who said 'Hey, let's go take a look and get an idea of costs' because I didn't want to tell him that I wanted something only to find out it was a billion dollars.

    Just remember to enjoy the relationship.  FI and I are engaged and I think we only talk about things/decisions for our wedding once or twice a week, sounds like you might be bringing it up more.


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  • Another voice of agreement with PPs: talk to each other! Not passive-aggressively or in a joking manner, since it sounds like that's where some of these conversations tend to go. Discussing all the factors going into the timing of the engagement (e.g. talking to your dad, his mother's health, etc.) may not speed things up, but it would help both of you to know where the other stands on a timeline.

    Then, after you have the answers you need, I would not mention it ANYMORE. Once you both say what you need to on the subject, there isn't a good reason to keep bringing it up unless something changes that you both need to be aware of. Any wedding research would fall under this too; as fun as it is to look at things and think, "What if?" I think it can also add to the impatience, which is just plain no fun. Take care of yourself and your relationship, and the rest of it will come in its due time.

    Also, just a personal thing of mine: I don't think it makes you crazy to want to get engaged to the man you love. :) I noticed you used that word several times to describe yourself, and that sucks, because it doesn't sound like you are - maybe you're anxious and excited and impatient to get the ball rolling, but those things don't make you crazy. Ridiculous pre-planning and refusing to accept reality creep into that category, but nothing you've said suggests that, so don't worry! I think women get called "crazy" for merely having feelings way too often, so I hope you don't think of yourself that way merely because you want to get engaged and married.

    Blackbird230carliealissaseestarsbythesea
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    @TwoDimes, she mentioned above in a post that she's 29 and he's 36. 

    @Emmyghoul, Mentioning it once or two and sometimes more a week is nagging. After having a conversation like PPs mentioned, drop it. Let him decide what he wants to do after understanding why he's holding back. Also, you really may want to work on the communication without the passive aggressiveness. It worries me that you describe yourselves this way and say it's ok. You're going to have much bigger talks down the road such as money, kids, religion, politics, etc and being passive aggressive will only make things worse.

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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Honestly, this is why I hate proposals. This is one of the biggest negatives to them.

    You need to sit down with your partner (the word I like to use because even at 25, I thought "boyfriend" sounded weird). You need to tell him, "I love you, and I'm excited that we're going to eventually get married, but I am tired of waiting and waiting for a proposal. I am also not going to start planning a wedding until we are engaged. I need to get an idea of when you will be ready to be engaged. I know you want to surprise me with the perfect proposal, and I'll still be happy for you to propose to me, but I need to know the timeline. At what point do you want to be engaged by? At what point do you want to be married by?"

    It is absolutely 100% okay to ask for a timeline. It sounds like a year ago, he got the ring and you thought, "omggggg we might be engaged soon!" and that "omgggg" has been going on for a year and you're kind of exhausted. If you know that a proposal will be coming up this fall, then you can RELAX all summer and not think about it.
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  • Thank you thank you thank you all for the words of wisdom. It really is what I needed to hear right now. Of course it's not what I wanted to hear, but my friends and his give me enough of what I want to hear that isn't working anyways.

    I will have a talk with him in the near future. Probably after our anniversary or while were talking about it. Seems a perfect Segway into "this has been the most amazing couple of years of my life, I can't imagine my life without you and am just so excited for that next step. I hate that I have been nagging, and I never want you to feel pressured about this, but I am just stressing myself out (and you too) by trying to put the cart before the horse. Of course I would wait forever if I had to, but I'm ready when you are, and would love to have a better idea what you are thinking as far as a timeline to when you want this official engagement to happen, and also when you are hoping we will be married. This will let me just breath an stop freaking out over nothing and ruining the awesome situation we have." (Shoot, I may just need to write that down, unless anyone has any suggestions to add on...)

    With the serious conversations we have had (last one I think was around my birthday, so, October?) he had said his major stress and hesitation is money, and that "he wants to do this right, has a timeline, and it will happen when it happens." That was acceptable and worked for a while in my mind, but, since he did not share that timeline with me, of course the issue has resurfaced.

    I will also add, with serious topics of conversation we aren't passive aggressive, I am able to have a real conversation and lay everything on the table with any serious topics. We actually have budget/money conversations at least once a week where we sit down and discuss what we want, what we need and what we have, then develope a gameplan to make sure we get all that we need, and normally a lot of what we want too. I've never been able to be so honest and comfortable with those uncomfortable conversations. We are both passive aggressive by nature, but luckily we are both mature enough to say, "passive aggressive me wants to say/do this,.. But here's the real deal..." And it does encourage is to communicate better since we know not just the bologna, but how each other is actually feeling too.

    Anyways, thank you all again. You are giving me lots to think about, mostly to just stop thinking about it.
  • I think that the waiting game is the worst. Agree with all PPs, have an honest conversation with him, have him provide you with a timeline then drop it. In the meantime, get a new hobby to take up the time while you "wait". 
  • BreMRBreMR member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @phira you nailed exactly what I've been feeling. Granted, it hasn't been a year and half exactly for me, closer to six months.. but 6 months ago he made it seem like it was going to happen any minute... I'm actually at the point of 'it's going to happen, whenever.' I think it has helped being here and at least learning things I will or will not do when the time comes for me.
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  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Dignity100 i love you for referencing gilmore girls!
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @BreMR Yeah, I don't know what I would have done if I had been waiting for a proposal and not known when. I feel like being on your toes for more than a few months is just exhausting! It sets up a lot of time for disappointment as well; every date night turns into a tiny let-down.

    Back before J and I had talked timelines, we went out to dinner for our one-year anniversary. For a couple weeks leading up to our anniversary, he'd made comments about his gift for me that made me feel like he was going to propose. The whole night, I was a distracted wreck, thinking he was going to propose.

    His gift? A necklace, and a cute Zelda-inspired scavenger hunt for me to find it. Oops.
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    Emmyghoul
  • Update: anniversary came and went. We had a big BBQ with some of our closest friends on Mother's Day (annual BBQ that marks when we actually started dating.) he had a bit too much to drink and as I was putting him to bed he was mentioning along the lines of wanting the engagement to happen that night but he was too drunk and "it just wasn't right."

    Seems liquid courage was our downfall. Also, we just found out at the BBQ that a married friend is getting separated and probably divorced. So, altogether I understand the "not right" feeling.

    We haven't had a serious sit down and talk, but, thanks to all of your amazing advice, I have just shut up. I haven't brought up anything wedding/engagement wise. Funny thing is, he has. Multiple times. I'm proud of myself for not doing what I normally do and taking those comments and running.

    Also- date night Sunday (we haven't had a real one in ages.) so, we shall see. If nothing else it will probably be a really good time for the conversation.
  • That gif is hilarious!
  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    That's what I'm here for, @southernpeach89 ;)



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  • Haha. Thanks @GoldenPenguin‌ . I knew it didn't look right, but was lazy and autocorrect is never the friend I want it to be.
  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    No problem - I just noticed it when I was going back & catching up, and knew that there had to be an awesome gif to go along with it. :) And everyone knows I can never turn down a good gif!



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    Emmyghoul
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Random funny fact--in Arrested Development, whenever GOB rides up on his Segway, there's also a segue in the dialogue or plot.
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