Guest list issues

mhoffman17

I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my guest list within our budget.  I heartbreakingly had to leave off some close friends from college but now my mother in law wants to add some of her relatives to this list.  The problem is, even my fiance doesn't know his mom's cousins and their kids.  She stated that some of these people RSVP'd to my fiances's sisters wedding, then didn't show.  I cannot afford to have people no show at my wedding, while some of my close friends weren't able to be invited. I also can't give some of my friends a guest because I never met their significant other.  Can I tell my mother in law "no"?  My parents are footing most of the bill.  My fiances mom offered to pay for the alcohol at the reception. Help!

ashleyep

If your FMIL is paying at all, she does get some of a say. Let FI talk to her, it's his mom. If he doesn't want those people there, he should put his foot down. But when money is involved, she really should get a say.

Jen4948

Your FI should be the one to tell his mother "no."  If the only bill she's footing is for the alcohol, I don't think that entitles her to demand that your parents and you pay for guests she doesn't even think will come.  And RSVPing yes and no-showing is incredibly rude.  Don't enable it.

huskypuppy14

Yes, tell your FMIL no. The bride and groom should make their own lists of who is important to them. A relative that FI doesn't even know is not important enough. If they are not paying, they don't get a say. Both you and your FI need to be a united front. 

And you have to invite SO of your guests.  It's incredibly rude to invite someone to your wedding (where you are celebrating your love for one another) and not allow someone to bring the love of their life. 

The ladies on here are willing to brainstorm with you some ideas to keep your costs down.

There is nothing you can do about no shows, it probably happens to everyone.

Maggie0829

Your FI needs to tell his Mom no.  Why in the world would she want to invite people that she knows has a tendency to no-show to a wedding after RSVPing yes?

huskypuppy14

Maggie0829 said:

Your FI needs to tell his Mom no.  Why in the world would she want to invite people that she knows has a tendency to no-show to a wedding after RSVPing yes?

Love the puppy!

aurianna

mhoffman17 said:

I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my guest list within our budget.  I heartbreakingly had to leave off some close friends from college but now my mother in law wants to add some of her relatives to this list.  The problem is, even my fiance doesn't know his mom's cousins and their kids.  She stated that some of these people RSVP'd to my fiances's sisters wedding, then didn't show.  I cannot afford to have people no show at my wedding, while some of my close friends weren't able to be invited. I also can't give some of my friends a guest because I never met their significant other.  Can I tell my mother in law "no"?  My parents are footing most of the bill.  My fiances mom offered to pay for the alcohol at the reception. Help!

To the bolded, you can't do. It's super rude and hurtful not to invite significant others. You'd be better to not invite those friends at all than to invite them without their SO (many see it as a much bigger slight to not have their relationship respected vs not being invited).
This could be an easier way to keep budget. Ask yourself, "Do I love this person enough to respect their comfort, their love and their relationship by inviting them with the SO I may not know." If the answer is no, then do you really even love this person enough to invite them to your wedding. Save the money.

As to your bigger problem... I'd have your FI talk with your MIL. He just needs to say something like, "Mom, we really appreciate your help with the wedding. However we have a limit to the number we can afford. Can you pick XYZ number of guests and let us know who they are and we'll be sure to invite them!"

The other, more drastic, option is to tell your in-laws that you're grateful for their offer to pay for alcohol but you are going to decline. If you cover the alcohol yourselves, you have no obligation to allow your ILs any say in the guest list. However this can cause hurt feelings. Better only go down this road if your FIs negotiations go south.

HisGirlFriday13

mhoffman17 said:

I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my guest list within our budget.  I heartbreakingly had to leave off some close friends from college but now my mother in law wants to add some of her relatives to this list.  The problem is, even my fiance doesn't know his mom's cousins and their kids.  She stated that some of these people RSVP'd to my fiances's sisters wedding, then didn't show.  I cannot afford to have people no show at my wedding, while some of my close friends weren't able to be invited. I also can't give some of my friends a guest because I never met their significant other.  Can I tell my mother in law "no"?  My parents are footing most of the bill.  My fiances mom offered to pay for the alcohol at the reception. Help!

This is utterly irrelevant. Anyone who is in a relationship gets invited with their SO BY NAME. You don't get to exclude SOs just because you don't know them.

Can you tell your FMIL 'no'? Yes, you can. But be prepared for her to pull funding from the wedding if you do so.

You might be better off giving her a set number of invites (i.e., 10 invites = 20 people) and telling her she may invite anyone she wants using those invites.

I would, however, tell her that anyone who RSVP'd yes to your FSIL's wedding and no-showed is black-balled from this wedding on the grounds that actions have consequences and if your prior bad action was to be rude, the consequence is that you'll be barred from future events.

grumbledore

You need to stick up for yourself, so does your FI.  And you have to invite your guests' partners, period.

AddieCake

It makes no difference whether or not you have met the SOs of your guests; they need to be invited. And your fiance needs to tell his mother to stop adding people if you can't afford them. 

JCbride2015

You must invite the SOs of all of your guests, period.  

And have your Fi stick up to his mother.  We anticipate this problem, too, and Fi is ready to say "no" when they ask.

Inkdancer

I would recommend the method that FI and I used for our guest list:

I asked my parents and FI's parents for lists of the people they would like to invite to the wedding. Then, FI and I went through these lists and decided how many of those people we wanted to and could afford to invite. Then, we sent the completed lists back. That way, future in-laws get to invite some of their family, but you don't have to break the bank inviting people you don't know.