NWR: Am I Over Reacting?

CMGragain

I just attended the memorial service of a good friend.  It was in church.  I knew him and his surviving wife from participation in choir.  The choir disbanded about 2 years ago when the budget was cut

When I walked into the sanctuary, I was surprised to see the choir, wearing robes, ready to sing.  Many people in the group were former members who had returned to honor the deceased.  I had not been notified or asked.

I was very hurt that no one had called me or e-mailed.  The others had been notified this way, but not me.  Yes, I have been in church the past several weeks for Sunday services.  Several people asked me why I wasn't singing with the choir to honor "John".  I was embarrassed and humiliated.  I gave my condolences to the widow and family, and I left as soon as possible.

I am very hurt that I wasn't asked.  I am considering finding a different church,  Am I being silly?

chibiyui

I think I would be hurt too, if the entire choir had been notified and sang in honor sans me. Did you have a tiff with whoever heads the choir? Do you have someone you could ask in choir how/who was notified? It seems odd that they would have excluded you, but church politics can be petty.

I'm sorry. I wouldn't use this alone as reason to find a new church, but if you were already thinking of looking....

CMGragain

Everyone was notified by phone or be e-mail.  They had two weeks to notify me.  I guess 7 years isn't enough time to be considered one of the in crowd.  It feels like Junior High School.
I've never had a tiff with anyone at church.

chibiyui

I'm really sorry CMGragain. That really sucks. 

lyndausvi

I would be hurt also.   I'm not sure I would go to the extreme of switching churches, but I understand why you would.

PrettyGirlLost

I'm so sorry   I would be really hurt and offended as well. *hugs*

KGold80

I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure it was an oversight that you were not contacted. I know that doesn't make you feel any better about it though.

phira

I would be devastated. I'm so sorry this happened. It's bad enough to lose a friend.

hikebikebemerry

I think that being hurt is a completely rational reaction, I know that I would be hurt and embarrassed.

Usually I have noticed in situations like this, more often than not it is a miscommunication rather than a personal dig, so I'm not sure if I would find another church if I felt strongly connected to the church I was currently attending.

CMGragain

Thank you, ladies.  My DH doesn't understand at all.  He thinks I am being silly, and that I shouldn't feel bad about this.  (Not one of his tactful days.)  I've had two glasses of 2 buck chuck, and I still feel like crying.
I'm glad I left the service as soon as I could.  I didn't want to take away from John's memorial.  He was  such a great guy, and very supportive when I was sick.  (He was a retired MD.)

ohannabelle

I won't lie, I would be hurt. I always expect people to be well behaved in church, and above pettiness, but they are not.

(Mark Twain said, "There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was.")

On the other hand, it may have been an innocent mistake....accidentally skipping a name on the list, or misdialing a number. If you are otherwise happy with your church, I'd try to assume the best. 

It sounds like a sad day in every respect. I'm sorry.

theartistformerlyknownas

Can you find out if maybe they tried to notify you but had a digit/letter wrong in your phone number/email? Maybe they had good intentions.

I'm sorry though; you definitely have every right to be upset, especially since it put you in the awkward position of looking like you chose not to participate.

HisGirlFriday13

I would also be hurt. And I would understand why you want to find a different church. I'm so sorry.

(((HUGS)))

NYCMercedes

Hugs. I'm sorry. It had to be an oversight. Mistakes happen.

KytchynWitche

I would also be hurt. Maybe it was an oversight, or maybe they just assumed you wouldn't want to or would be too emotional. If you feel like you need to change churches, then that's what you need to do. No one can make the right decision for you, but you. And no, I really don't think you're over reacting.

mrscaty

I have to agree with the others - you have every right to be upset. I'd definitely talk to someone to see what's up with the exclusion, and make a decision about changing churches from there. There could be an explanation - or just an excuse. Good luck with everything. 

AddieCake

I'm really sorry. I know I would definitely be hurt if that happened to me. 

amakayeb

I am very sorry, and I would be really hurt and embarrassed too.

That said, I can really see something like this happening with my church choir. There is not any real organization or leader. When something comes up, the 'director' will text some people, and then there is a lot of "I'll call Suzie, you call Jane," etc. Someone could easily be 'forgotten' very unintentionally.

Of course, you said they had two weeks and you were at church in the meantime, so that does change things a little bit...

SmileDamnit

Of course you can (and should) be hurt. I think it would be hard NOT to take that personal, even if it was, indeed, an unintended oversight on their part. Some congregations are ridiculously cliquish, which is sad. Sorry you're having to deal with that. 

CMGragain

Thank you for all the nice responses.  It helps to know that I'm not being childish about it.  I think somebody owes me an apology, but I have no idea who.

kmmssg

I am so sorry friend.  That would hurt my feelings too.  If you can't think of a tiff or lack of chemistry with anyone that has caused problems in the past I would chalk this up to a human mistake.  I am not saying that will be easy, but from what you have written I can't imagine why it would have been intentional.

I am so sorry and if you want, we can all talk to your husband and tell him he is being an engineer lunkhead (mine did the same thing this morning, fortunately he is gone most of the day).  Damn engineers.

tortoisebride

Talk to the person you've been closest to in the choir and ask who organized it. Then, go have a cup of coffee with Sue (or whoever) and say that you felt hurt and you would like to know if you have offended someone and if you can do something to fix it. Suggest that it might be to do with your own behavior, or it'll make Sue defensive. That gives her an opportunity to explain and apologize without feeling like she's being pushed.

Chances are good that it's a miscommunication, and the worst that can come out of this is a total break, which you're already contemplating. Don't go through the pain of leaving your church and the struggle of fitting into a new one when you don't know what the situation even is. It's entirely possible someone thought you would be too overwrought to sing, for example, and they didn't want to sadden you. Or, maybe Betsy told Sue that she can't stand you because once you wore the same color toenail polish to the summer picnic, and Sue decided to avoid drama by not inviting you (Betsy is pushy and maybe her husband and best friend are also in the choir so it'd be losing three. I dunno, this is all fiction.).

The point is, you don't know, so you're assuming the worst. Be proactive and find out what's really going on before you make yourself utterly miserable about it.