Fallen Soldier Table at Wedding

Weesh

I thought all of my lurking had paid off (so far it has!) until my fiance threw me for a loop today.  We are getting married in July, and just sent out invitations.  We have a while before the seating chart has to be done, but we started planning out the room, and where we wanted to put things like the card box, cake, sparklers, etc.  We plan on having a sweetheart table.

As we started to put the room together, my fiance pointed to a corner of the room and said that would be a good place to put the fallen soldier table.  It would be in the corner of the reception room, directly to the right right of our sweetheart table if you are looking at the table.  I've never seen one before at a wedding, but I have seen them at other reception-like occasions.  

My fiance is currently active duty Air Force who served two tours in Iraq with the Army before he changed branches and went into the Air Force.  While he was deployed, his best friend was killed while they were under attack, and he wanted to honor him at the ceremony.  I think the idea is beautiful, and he wanted to keep a sign on the table that explains what the table symbolizes.  

Here is a link to what it entails.  http://www.ehow.com/how_8721497_prepare-fallen-soldier-table.html

My question is, is this appropriate?  The research I've found says it can be done at weddings, but I wanted to get some input.  Will people see it as inappropriate?  

ETA:  Other than the sign, he does not want to have it announced or brought to anyone's attention.  He simply wants to print the sign that explains the meaning, and leave it there in the corner.  

RebeccaFlower

Personally, I think a whole table is a little morbid. I think a candle can be lovely, but a whole table seems to be a bit much for me. I think that memorials should be subtle and personal. Could FI find something of this persons to wear or hold during the ceremony? 

As far as etiquette, I don't think it is technically against it, I think it's a 'know your audience' thing. Is the fallen soldiers family invited? This could be overwhemling and emotional for them.

mysticl

Cross post this over on Military Brides.  It doesn't get a lot of traffic these days but this title should get their attention.  

Weesh

RebeccaFlower said:

Personally, I think a whole table is a little morbid. I think a candle can be lovely, but a whole table seems to be a bit much for me. I think that memorials should be subtle and personal. Could FI find something of this persons to wear or hold during the ceremony? 

As far as etiquette, I don't think it is technically against it, I think it's a 'know your audience' thing. Is the fallen soldiers family invited? This could be overwhemling and emotional for them.

I thought the same thing.  I asked him if we could do parts of it versus the whole thing, but I didn't know if that would be disrespectful.  I didn't/don't know if it needs to be all or nothing when it comes to the set up of the table.

His family will not be there.  My fiance does keep in touch with them, but they won't be able to make it.  There will be two other service men who deployed with him, and my fiance doesn't think there will be an issue.  I want to honor my fiance's feelings, but I don't want to make it somber or sad for people to see.  

And thank you, I did XP this on the military brides board to get input.

JaxInBlue

I agree with RebeccaFlower.  I think this is too sad for a wedding, and from reading your description, it sounds like the only way for everyone to understand the full meaning would be to either have the set up be public, so guests know why there is lemon, or salt, or a rose, or with potentially complex signage on the display.   If there are other people who knew the BFF in attendance at the wedding, this may turn what is otherwise a happy occasion into a sad one, or could trigger overwhelming emotions, particularly from other service members, that could cause them discomfort or pain.

I would ask your FI if there is a way to honor his friend that is more private, such as a particular song that could be incorporated into your playlist, or a special reading or Bible verse you could use, or if FI could carry his friend's picture or another token in his pocket.  I think honoring his friend is important and should be done, but I do think that memorials at weddings, regardless of the honoree, are best done privately and/or subtly.

SapphireCounselor

Ultimately this seems like something that is really important to your FI...completely understandable...and only you two will know how your crowd is likely to recieve this. To this civilian it does seem like a bit much for a wedding though some kind of memorial is absolutely appropriate. However, even if you moved forward with the whole table, I would definitely understand if I were attending.

SapphireCounselor

By the way, I want to extend my thanks to your FI and his comrades for their service, as well as to you and the rest of his family.

kmmssg

I am a 26 year vet and am on the fence on this one.  If you have a bunch of military people attending, the table makes some sense to me.  If this is a truly civilian only crowd it could be a bit overwhelming.  To be honest, I have found that civilians are usually quite fascinated with this stuff and are incredibly polite and respectful about it.

Does he just want all of the elements to be on the table or does he want to do the whole shebang where a script is read and Soldiers walk up to the table and put the elements on it one at a time?  If he is really steadfast about this, I really encourage you to do the table set with the elements and just explain them in your program.  I think using a script and making it into its own part of the reception would be waaay too much.

I will say this - if you do it, do it right.  Don't do a little bit of it.  I would be crazy pissed if someone took something that is so solemn to the military community and chopped it up.  I have attended weddings where it was there and people checked it out, thought about it for a moment, and went about drinking, eating, and dancing.  It didn't overtake the evening or cast a huge shadow over the event.  People really did just move on.

Simply Fated

I think this sounds absolutely morbid.

What does your Fi hope the affect will have on his guests? Sadness? Anger? These are the sort of emotions people feel when viewing something like a war memorial. Is this in line with what you both want on your wedding day?


Furthermore, and I'm sure I can't be the first person who has thought this, if I was his dead friend, there is no way in hell I'd want that type of attention at my best friend's wedding. I would want you both focusing on your life together as husband and wife and the many adventures you two will have together... why would I want any focus on me? Especially a whole memorial table? Nope, never. Surely you can find a better use of that corner space.

Jen4948

I acknowledge your FI's intentions in wanting to remember his friends, but I think a whole table used as a dedicated memorial table is too morbid for a wedding.  If you're doing a program, it would be reasonable to dedicate a page in the program to the memories of deceased loved ones and friends, or he could carry small photos or other mementos of them, but don't have a whole empty table with a sign on it, especially next to your table.  That just calls too much attention to death, grief, and loss-qualities which should not be associated with a wedding.

countrygirl061513

I think that if it is done tastefully and with respect it would allow your FI's to honor his friends he lost while not overwhelming your reception. Its not like the table will be in the middle of the room with a spotlight on it. I fully understand the significance of the table as a former Marine wife, Army brat and grandchild of a Marine and Air Force vet.

Jen4948

countrygirl061513 said:

I think that if it is done tastefully and with respect it would allow your FI's to honor his friends he lost while not overwhelming your reception. Its not like the table will be in the middle of the room with a spotlight on it. I fully understand the significance of the table as a former Marine wife, Army brat and grandchild of a Marine and Air Force vet.

But it would be next to the sweetheart table so it would be very visible.  I don't see how it could not overwhelm the reception regardless of how "tasteful" or "respectfully" it is done, and I am the granddaughter and great-niece of 3 Army veterans and the daughter and niece of 2 Air Force veterans.

OnceUponAVine

If its something that your FI feels strongly about then I think doing it in as subtle a way as possible would be best. Put a small table with a single chair and all the needed elements out and then have a card printed (you could put it in a frame) that explains what the table is for, what the elements mean, and who (specifically) you are honoring. People who are curious will be able to find out what its about, and others may not even notice it.
- I'm familiar with the table and script that goes with it having been to numerous military events.

kmmssg

Well, I am a 26 year vet who has seen it done and people really do move along and don't obsess over it.  Would I do it/did I do it?  No.  Is my FSIL who is currently serving and is also a combat vet of Afghanistan doing it?  No, but we have both seen it and it really doesn't take over the reception.  Been there, seen it, experienced it.  Not my cup of tea but it isn't going to take the party over.

countrygirl061513

Of course it would be visible to the guests, but I don't see how having the table on the side of the room near the sweetheart table would suddenly make it the focus of everyone's attention. Nothing that was in the article said it had to touching the sweetheart table. In my opinion I think that allowing OP's FI honor his fallen friend who had he not been lost in action would be at the wedding celebrating. Its obviously important to him and I would support him in that. Its my personal opinion, maybe I am alone in my thinking.

Simply Fated

kmmssg said:

Well, I am a 26 year vet who has seen it done and people really do move along and don't obsess over it.  Would I do it/did I do it?  No.  Is my FSIL who is currently serving and is also a combat vet of Afghanistan doing it?  No, but we have both seen it and it really doesn't take over the reception.  Been there, seen it, experienced it.  Not my cup of tea but it isn't going to take the party over.

As someone who hasn't been there, seen it or experienced it, I would find it very jarring.


If Fi wants to honor his friend in some way, there are plenty of ways to do it. I personally would never dream of doing it this way and if OP doesn't want to, then she shouldn't have to, either. Surely there is another way they can both appreciate.

kmmssg

Simply Fated said:

kmmssg said:

Well, I am a 26 year vet who has seen it done and people really do move along and don't obsess over it.  Would I do it/did I do it?  No.  Is my FSIL who is currently serving and is also a combat vet of Afghanistan doing it?  No, but we have both seen it and it really doesn't take over the reception.  Been there, seen it, experienced it.  Not my cup of tea but it isn't going to take the party over.

As someone who hasn't been there, seen it or experienced it, I would find it very jarring.


If Fi wants to honor his friend in some way, there are plenty of ways to do it. I personally would never dream of doing it this way and if OP doesn't want to, then she shouldn't have to, either. Surely there is another way they can both appreciate.

No, she shouldn't be forced to do it.  I am sharing my observations and experience.  People move on and party.

NYCMercedes

This is a wonderful thing at military functions. Your wedding is not a military function. Would you do it in your home at a party?

RebeccaB88

I might be concerned that it could be triggering to any servicemen/women who are dealing with PTSD.

wrigleyville

I understand the sentiment behind it, but I don't like seeing things like this at weddings. I've seen an uptick in memorial tables/chairs, and it really brings the mood down (for me, anyway). 

I never used to see this sort of thing until the past few years, but now it seems like every wedding I attend has a table with pictures and candles, or seats with flowers and photos on them. It's so depressing. 

I know that if I were dead, I wouldn't want people grieving and crying at a happy occasion.

Ashes_3

Why don't you ask your fiancé about placing a candle in the colors of the military branch with perhaps an emblem of that branch on your sweetheart table and burning it as a way of honoring his friend? It is not as much as the fallen soldier table, but would still be seen by guest's.

missnc77

I'm also a soon to be AF wife. I've had to talk my FI out of cakes shaped like fighter jets and other AF related things. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with this sort of thing. I think maybe something that would highlight his best friend and be even more of a tribute is to have it worked into a prayer curing your ceremony. "As we join today let us pray for they ones that have fallen..." ect. You could try suggesting that right at the beginning of your ceremony. It's still a little somber, but it's a nice gesture that leaves the party for the party. You don't want him to feel like he can't honor his best friend, but yeah. I wouldn't want all the military spouses coming to have to look at that all night.

jdluvr06

Honestly I don't think this is something the guest would notice too much. Some might go over and read the sign and then move on with their night. I really can't imagine anyone being bothered by it and would probably completely side-eye anyone that was. It seems like this is something that is really important to your FI. If he can't think of any other way to honor that he feels is appropriate then this isn't a hill to die on.

cowgirl8238

I think small and subtle is the best route to go wtih any memorial.  Something like a photo that your FI could keep on him.  I do understand the sacrafices made, but let me tell you a short story about a friend of mone who set up an ENTIRE table, (Full size rectangle that seats up to 12 people) for Fallen Military/Deceased loved ones.  And they didn't put it in a corner, oh no, it was right next to the dance floor, and there were tables set up on either side of it.  It was awkaward...to say the least.  Maybe, that experience is partially why I don't like memorials at weddings, I don't know.  Just keep it simple/subtle and you'll be fine.

Jen4948

kmmssg said:

Well, I am a 26 year vet who has seen it done and people really do move along and don't obsess over it.  Would I do it/did I do it?  No.  Is my FSIL who is currently serving and is also a combat vet of Afghanistan doing it?  No, but we have both seen it and it really doesn't take over the reception.  Been there, seen it, experienced it.  Not my cup of tea but it isn't going to take the party over.

You might think this simply because no one says anything out of respect for the couple's feelings, but many people are made uncomfortable by overt and unsubtle memorials for the deceased at weddings, regardless of who they were or how they died.  They choose to put up with it temporarily, but causing your guests discomfort because you need to do "remembering" at your wedding instead of in private or at a designated memorial service really isn't in accordance with the idea that the guests' needs should take priority.  Making your personal grief and loss take priority over your guests' needs is still 'zillaish and AW-even if it's coming from a different direction.  What it really means is that you are not able and are not ready to rejoice and celebrate a happy occsion, which a wedding is supposed to be.

PrettyGirlLost

Can he maybe wear a picture of his friend in his bout or something?

I think the table would be a bit much for a wedding.

manateehugger

Hey there. I'm with kmmssg that most people briefly acknowledge the table (if that), and then move on and party without there being any difference in the atmosphere. 

However, I personally would never do this. It seems much better suited to a military ball. I think the idea of saying a blessing/prayer before dinner (or even a brief toast) that acknowledges the fallen is a much better route if your FI is open to it. 

nmsa

I wouldn't personally do this, because I think these kind of overt memorials at weddings can be difficult for people who walk in expecting one kind of emotional experience and suddenly are faced with something very different. People do not (usually) go to weddings emotionally bracing themselves to deal with grief and while your guests might not know this particular individual, they may have experienced their own losses.

That said, honoring his friend is clearly very important to your FI. If he is willing to compromise, other ways of memorializing him PPs have mentioned may be potentially less jarring to other guests. My favorite memorial I ever saw at a wedding was actually given by the bride to her father - she announced his favorite upbeat dance song, which guests had fun dancing to in his honor. 

ohannabelle

With all possible respect, please don't. The recent trend towards empty seats, memorial candles, etc., is morbid. No, it doesn't bother everyone. But yes, for anyone suffering from grief related issues or PTSD, it is terrible and gut wrenching. It's not worth causing pain or anxiety to even one guest. Grief and weddings don't mix. 

If someone is missing from your family, honor them privately before the ceremony, acknowledge to yourselves/their spirits/God/ whatever you believe that you miss them and wish with all your heart they were there and then move on. 

Do not pass sorrow to your guests. 

adverb1129

I have never heard of a Fallen Soldier table or seen one at an event but I wanted to respond about honoring deceased people at a wedding.  My husband and I had discussed setting up a table with photos of some of our loved ones who had passed- including my father.  We ended up not doing this for two reasons:

-we were worried about hurting guest's feelings if we left anyone out (this doesn't seem like a problem in your situation)

-we were concerned that the loss of these people would still be very fresh for some of our guests and that seeing a reminder would just cause them pain or anguish on a day when we wanted them to be happy

The way we resolved the issue is we gave a Thank You speech right after our cake cutting.  In the speech we mentioned remembering our treasured guests who could not join us that day and said something respectful but lighthearted.  Would your FI consider something like this?

Cookie Pusher

FI and I have each lost a parent. We wanted to pay a subtle tribute to them. So in the area where the escort cards will be, I created 2 small flower arrangements. No signs, no labels, nothing. Just two small arrangements that will go on the mantle of the fireplace in front of the table. Tributes or acknowledgements don't need to be big to be heartfelt.