Accidental Bridezilla

APDSS22

Maggie0829 said:

APDSS22 said:

I'm glad she forgave you @ciferri053015 . Trust me when I say what any of your guests are wearing (even your bridal party) will not be what you remember from your wedding day.

I actually remember what one of my guests wore at my wedding.  And that is only because it was beyond hideous and so short that her ass (thanks to her wearing a thong) showed every time she slightly bent over.  But I will say I only remember it in a funny way and joke about it with my Mom. The horrible short dress didn't ruin my wedding, but rather it allowed for another hilarious memory from our day.  So really, bad wardrobe choices by your guests end up being a great thing

Yeah, maybe I lied a little bit since I do remember a similar dress on a guest of mine (mostly because a mutual friend tried to apologize for her being dressed pretty darn inappropriately to go to a church wedding.)  But I will say I have no idea what her shoes looked like.

lyndausvi

I'm glad the crisis was averted.  Just think one less choice you have to make!

Maggie0829

@APDSS22 - I remember the shoes of my guests because they made the outfit that much worse.  But again, I thought it was funny then and I still find it funny now.  And even the guest I am speaking of saw pictures of herself later and then yelled at her Mom for letting her wear something so horrendous.

NYCBruin

ciferri053015 said:

I apologized and she quickly forgave me!

Good on ya!

misshart00

I'm glad you apologized and she forgave you. There are so much bigger things to think about during planning a wedding.

HisGirlFriday13

I remember having serious shoe envy of the adorable peep-toe booties my BM/SIL wore. They were awesome.

yogablossom

I was in one wedding where had all had to wear matching shoes, and the bride bought us our shoes. All the other wedding, it was all, "wear nude" or "wear black". I would always take a picture and show the bride to get her "okay" before buying a new pair, but they were usually pretty laid back about it.

lizhurt

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

SmileDamnit

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

manateehugger

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

So your bridesmaids have to be clones, we get it. Look if you want that look, go for it, but since it is YOUR wedding, YOU have to pay for it. Your bridesmaids aren't financially responsible for your perfect desired look (and I do think demanding specific hairstyles is bridezillaish and dumb to boot - different people look better in different hairstyles). 

You've got the bolded part wrong. You are honoring them. Also, somewhere in there, I think there's supposed to be another person who gets the special day too. 

Have you ever been a bridesmaid? Just curious.

HisGirlFriday13

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

You are under an incorrect impression, as amply evidenced in this thread and elsewhere on the boards.

So you have two choices: change your tune or sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.

Also, I doubt your BMs think your taste is as impeccable as you do. I had a bride-friend think that once. She was wrong. We looked like pastel clones of horror.

VulgarGirl

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

I don't even know where to start. 

1. Your wedding is not your special day. It is a day where you and your FI make vows to spend the rest of your lives together in front of those most important to you. Not your day to be a super special princess. You are no longer a child. 

2. You pick people to stand up with you because they matter to you. Not so you can dress up life size dolls.

3. If you are insisting on hair, make-up, accessories, and shoes, you're footing the bill.

4. Dresses need to be within your bridal parties budgets. Which you do not get to judge but rather kindly ask about. 

5. Being a bridesmaid isn't about being fucking honored. It's about sharing a special moment with people who are closest to you. And it used to be about keeping away evil spirits.

KatieinBkln

I swear some of these "it's YOUR day" people are secretly trolls for the industry. But then, much as life can imitate art, life can also imitate advertising. I don't know what's sadder, an industry shill posting nonsense in an etiquette forum, or a person who has bought in so fully to the notion that she is somehow more important than the other 7 billion humans on this earth that she genuinely believes it's not a dick move to treat her supposed loved ones like props. (Just kidding, I know which is sadder). I'd also like to point out for the record that a wedding is not about the bride only, or even about the bride and groom, or even about their two families. It's also about community, dammit! The community that you chose to invite to celebrate with you, yes, but also to witness your commitment to each other. Treating those witnesses poorly is not going to make them feel great about the marriage that they're present to support. Get things off on the right foot, you know? (sorry, long rant. Not directed at you, OP. Just a general thought that I've been having repeatedly since delving into WeddingWorld(TM) that I don't always see represented).

APDSS22

MagicInk said:

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

I don't even know where to start. 

1. Your wedding is not your special day. It is a day where you and your FI make vows to spend the rest of your lives together in front of those most important to you. Not your day to be a super special princess. You are no longer a child. 

2. You pick people to stand up with you because they matter to you. Not so you can dress up life size dolls.

3. If you are insisting on hair, make-up, accessories, and shoes, you're footing the bill.

4. Dresses need to be within your bridal parties budgets. Which you do not get to judge but rather kindly ask about. 

5. Being a bridesmaid isn't about being fucking honored. It's about sharing a special moment with people who are closest to you. And it used to be about keeping away evil spirits.

I vote we bring that back.  The evil spirits can just munch on crazy bridezillas.

phira

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

No.

Cookie Pusher

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

Your impression is wrong.

lizhurt

Wow so much hate for no reason. I think it's ridiculous for someone to judge me on my choices when I haven't done that to anyone choosing to have their bridesmaids in non-matching dresses/shoes/hairstyles, etc. And YES I have been a bridesmaid, just two weeks ago. I felt so honored to have been chosen to stand up next to my friend on HER special day that I would have worn whatever she asked me to. It is an absolute honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and anyone who says otherwise doesn't get it. I don't see my girls as living dolls or props, I just prefer the traditional look of everything matching. I didn't make this up people!! And no, I will not be buying their dresses or shoes, but we probably will spring for their hair and an accessory. I just happen to be a person who cares deeply about aesthetics and wants everything looking perfect. And don't worry etiquette police, I have been stopped from putting suggested guest attire on my invites, although I will be spreading the word like wildfire.

And yes, it is MY special day. I have dreamed of it my entire life. MY day to celebrate MY way with the people I love most and to stand before God and my family and friends and declare my love for my fiancé. He isn't a prop either, BTW, but I will dress him as handsomely as I can Basically, I think to each bride her own, but I am glad I gave you all something to huff and puff about as you go along in your boring days.

kitsunegari89

My bridesmaids all wore nude shoes (their pick of color, actually). They were all different heights and styles, though. I also didn't care what they did with their hair or what jewelry they wore. Nobody cares what shoes they're wearing.

KatieinBkln

How on earth could anyone's day be boring when they get to sit back and watch someone use the word "my" (in all caps, no less!) a bajillion times without any irony, conflate wanting something with deserving something, and imply that "caring deeply about aesthetics" is somehow a valid reason for acting selfishly? Boring, are you kidding? This is better than TV.

vanityink

lizhurt said:

I don't see my girls as living dolls or props, I just prefer the traditional look of everything matching. I didn't make this up people!! 

I'd just like to point out "traditional" actually means that they should all be wearing what *you're* wearing (look at pictures of victorian wedding parties, it's difficult to pick out the bride since everyone would wear the same long gown/look similar) that comes from the "protect from evil spirits" thing. If the spirits couldn't tell which woman was the bride they wouldn't be able to curse her.

Unless you're wearing a white bridesmaids dress or they're all wearing wedding gowns, it isn't technically "traditional" 

NYCBruin

lizhurt said:

Wow so much hate for no reason. I think it's ridiculous for someone to judge me on my choices when I haven't done that to anyone choosing to have their bridesmaids in non-matching dresses/shoes/hairstyles, etc. And YES I have been a bridesmaid, just two weeks ago. I felt so honored to have been chosen to stand up next to my friend on HER special day that I would have worn whatever she asked me to. It is an absolute honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and anyone who says otherwise doesn't get it. I don't see my girls as living dolls or props, I just prefer the traditional look of everything matching. I didn't make this up people!! And no, I will not be buying their dresses or shoes, but we probably will spring for their hair and an accessory. I just happen to be a person who cares deeply about aesthetics and wants everything looking perfect. And don't worry etiquette police, I have been stopped from putting suggested guest attire on my invites, although I will be spreading the word like wildfire.

And yes, it is MY special day. I have dreamed of it my entire life. MY day to celebrate MY way with the people I love most and to stand before God and my family and friends and declare my love for my fiancé. He isn't a prop either, BTW, but I will dress him as handsomely as I can Basically, I think to each bride her own, but I am glad I gave you all something to huff and puff about as you go along in your boring days.

If you want to be traditional, your bridesmaids should all match YOU (as in they all wear the big poofy wedding dress and veil).  That was the purpose of matching in the first place--to confuse the evil spirits.  

If you're just making them match, you're treating your bridesmaids like your personal barbie dolls and that's not cool.

arrippa

lizhurt said:

I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.

lizhurt

Again everyone is misconstrued and just needs their five minutes to be a know it all. I guess "traditional" for you guys means going back to Victorian days, but I was picturing the classic images of weddings from the 50s, 60s and 70s of bridesmaids in matching gowns. I also don't think I am treating anyone poorly by soliciting their opinions in choosing matching looks for the group. I never once said I was going to pick soley based on my own preference. I know everyone has different sizes, hair, and faces, but with the myriad choices available, I think we can find a cohesive look for five girls. What I don't understand is why this bothers everyone so much when it doesn't bother my bridesmaids at all. And as for the MY stuff, I think everyone deserves a day once in a while that is all about them. It doesn't make me selfish and it doesn't mean I will be neglecting the importance of my fiancé, family, friends or community on this day. Really sad that there are so many bridal bullies out there who can't just respect others' choices and be supportive. Women helping women y'all. Just saying...

vanityink

1950s wedding party and 1970s wedding party, for the record. Neither are matchy matchy:

phira

lizhurt said:

Wow so much hate for no reason. I think it's ridiculous for someone to judge me on my choices when I haven't done that to anyone choosing to have their bridesmaids in non-matching dresses/shoes/hairstyles, etc. And YES I have been a bridesmaid, just two weeks ago. I felt so honored to have been chosen to stand up next to my friend on HER special day that I would have worn whatever she asked me to. It is an absolute honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and anyone who says otherwise doesn't get it. I don't see my girls as living dolls or props, I just prefer the traditional look of everything matching. I didn't make this up people!! And no, I will not be buying their dresses or shoes, but we probably will spring for their hair and an accessory. I just happen to be a person who cares deeply about aesthetics and wants everything looking perfect. And don't worry etiquette police, I have been stopped from putting suggested guest attire on my invites, although I will be spreading the word like wildfire.

And yes, it is MY special day. I have dreamed of it my entire life. MY day to celebrate MY way with the people I love most and to stand before God and my family and friends and declare my love for my fiancé. He isn't a prop either, BTW, but I will dress him as handsomely as I can Basically, I think to each bride her own, but I am glad I gave you all something to huff and puff about as you go along in your boring days.

Okay, look. You are new (ish--no idea how much lurking you've done since you joined). This isn't "so much hate." It's people disagreeing with you and questioning whether or not you've read a lot of topics like this on TheKnot boards.

I think you're really having some cognitive dissonance here. You know that treating people like props is wrong, but you also think that it's not wrong to expect bridesmaids to wear identical accessories (and have the same hair, etc).

But ... that's what we mean by treating people like props.

This is your event. You and your partner get to make decisions about the ambience of the event. You want old-school romantic? Great. You want to wear a 1920s inspired wedding dress? Sounds good. You think that the greatest color combination of all time is black and silver? Enjoy. You can decorate your space and yourself as much as you want.

But your wedding party members are people. You asked them to stand up with you because they're important to you. Standing up with you is, indeed, an honor. But they are not elements of your wedding ceremony or reception that you can decorate. They are not part of the aesthetic. They are not design elements.

One things that I disagree with, but that is commonly accepted as a bridesmaid/groomsman responsibility is that the couple can decide what general outfit needs to be worn. For men, that's usually something like, "Please rent this tux," or, "Please wear a navy blue suit," or, "Please wear jeans and a white dress shirt." For women, that's usually, "Please wear this dress in this color," or, "Please wear any short black dress," or, "Please wear a spring-appropriate brightly colored dress." I don't like this because, well, I don't see a difference between requiring a certain dress or suit, and also requiring certain shoes or certain make-up, etc. However, this is pretty much as far as you can go with controlling the appearance of attendants.

Another reason we're so insistent that requiring particular shoes, hair, make-up, or jewelry is inappropriate (at best) is that the cost of being a bridesmaid is becoming astronomical. You asked these folks to be attendants because you wanted to honor them; what part of honoring them is requiring them to spend hundreds of dollars so that your photos will look a certain way?

And it all boils down to: why is it this important to you, that you'd ask people you supposedly love and respect to spend exorbitant amounts of money to be in your wedding party, that bridesmaids look any particular way? Why do their hairstyles matter to you? Why do their shoes matter to you? How will the "wrong" color shoes, or the "wrong" hair-style, or the "wrong" jewelry affect your day? I'm entirely serious: how will your wedding be ruined if bridesmaids do not look identical? Why is this important?

VulgarGirl

@phira didn't you see, it's HER DAY!!! To be a magical special princess on HER special day! And controlling how everyone looks will ruin HER day because it's HER day to be special. Every person woman deserves a SPECIAL MAGICAL DAY ALL ABOUT THEM.

NYCBruin

lizhurt said:

Again everyone is misconstrued and just needs their five minutes to be a know it all. I guess "traditional" for you guys means going back to Victorian days, but I was picturing the classic images of weddings from the 50s, 60s and 70s of bridesmaids in matching gowns. I also don't think I am treating anyone poorly by soliciting their opinions in choosing matching looks for the group. I never once said I was going to pick soley based on my own preference. I know everyone has different sizes, hair, and faces, but with the myriad choices available, I think we can find a cohesive look for five girls. What I don't understand is why this bothers everyone so much when it doesn't bother my bridesmaids at all. And as for the MY stuff, I think everyone deserves a day once in a while that is all about them. It doesn't make me selfish and it doesn't mean I will be neglecting the importance of my fiancé, family, friends or community on this day. Really sad that there are so many bridal bullies out there who can't just respect others' choices and be supportive. Women helping women y'all. Just saying...

Personally, I've found this forum to be extremely helpful.  By having a group of honest women (and men) I can bounce ideas off of, I've avoided more than one faux pas.  The feedback on here is extremely helpful in that its helped me from inadvertently offending and/or hurting someone's feelings.  Maybe you don't care about hurting your friends feelings or offending them (and just because they aren't saying anything doesn't mean they aren't hurt/offended/annoyed), but for people who do care about their loved one's I think this site is a great source of help.

VulgarGirl

lizhurt said:

Again everyone is misconstrued and just needs their five minutes to be a know it all. I guess "traditional" for you guys means going back to Victorian days, but I was picturing the classic images of weddings from the 50s, 60s and 70s of bridesmaids in matching gowns. I also don't think I am treating anyone poorly by soliciting their opinions in choosing matching looks for the group. I never once said I was going to pick soley based on my own preference. I know everyone has different sizes, hair, and faces, but with the myriad choices available, I think we can find a cohesive look for five girls. What I don't understand is why this bothers everyone so much when it doesn't bother my bridesmaids at all. And as for the MY stuff, I think everyone deserves a day once in a while that is all about them. It doesn't make me selfish and it doesn't mean I will be neglecting the importance of my fiancé, family, friends or community on this day. Really sad that there are so many bridal bullies out there who can't just respect others' choices and be supportive. Women helping women y'all. Just saying...

Sometimes women helping women means one woman say to another woman "Grrrl you're about to hop on the bus to crazytown". And also...grooms can be on TK. Men also care about their weddings. Because it is also THEIR DAY. Not just yours. It's about the man/woman you're marrying.

JCbride2015

lizhurt said:

Wow so much hate for no reason. I think it's ridiculous for someone to judge me on my choices when I haven't done that to anyone choosing to have their bridesmaids in non-matching dresses/shoes/hairstyles, etc. And YES I have been a bridesmaid, just two weeks ago. I felt so honored to have been chosen to stand up next to my friend on HER special day that I would have worn whatever she asked me to. It is an absolute honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and anyone who says otherwise doesn't get it. I don't see my girls as living dolls or props, I just prefer the traditional look of everything matching. I didn't make this up people!! And no, I will not be buying their dresses or shoes, but we probably will spring for their hair and an accessory. I just happen to be a person who cares deeply about aesthetics and wants everything looking perfect. And don't worry etiquette police, I have been stopped from putting suggested guest attire on my invites, although I will be spreading the word like wildfire.

And yes, it is MY special day. I have dreamed of it my entire life. MY day to celebrate MY way with the people I love most and to stand before God and my family and friends and declare my love for my fiancé. He isn't a prop either, BTW, but I will dress him as handsomely as I can Basically, I think to each bride her own, but I am glad I gave you all something to huff and puff about as you go along in your boring days.

arrippa

lizhurt said:

Again everyone is misconstrued and just needs their five minutes to be a know it all. I guess "traditional" for you guys means going back to Victorian days, but I was picturing the classic images of weddings from the 50s, 60s and 70s of bridesmaids in matching gowns. I also don't think I am treating anyone poorly by soliciting their opinions in choosing matching looks for the group. I never once said I was going to pick soley based on my own preference. I know everyone has different sizes, hair, and faces, but with the myriad choices available, I think we can find a cohesive look for five girls. What I don't understand is why this bothers everyone so much when it doesn't bother my bridesmaids at all. And as for the MY stuff, I think everyone deserves a day once in a while that is all about them. It doesn't make me selfish and it doesn't mean I will be neglecting the importance of my fiancé, family, friends or community on this day. Really sad that there are so many bridal bullies out there who can't just respect others' choices and be supportive. Women helping women y'all. Just saying...

Sometimes the best help is when someone tells you NOT to do something.