• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Party

Best man/ No children at the wedding issue

I'm at a loss and really need advice. My fiancé and I have decided to have our reception at a location that is limited on space. Due to this restriction, we have decided to only invite the children that are actually in the wedding party to the reception. (2 flower girls and 2 ring bearers are my nieces and nephews, junior bridesmaid (15 years old) is the groom's daughter and 2 guest book/welcome girls (15 and 11) are his nieces-his brother's/best man's daughters) we are offering babysitting for those children who would like to attend the ceremony and can't attend the reception. I've explained the size limit and our decision to have wedding party children only at the reception to all my friends that have kids and they've been more than understanding. Now the issue- The groom's brother and best man (I've known him for 12 years and have always viewed him as a brother)- continues to call and hassle me about inviting his fiance's daughter. He's called me 3 times putting pressure on me to make this exception. He says if i dont let her come then his fiance wont come to the wedding!! extremely selfish imo. My fear is that by making this exception I will upset my other friends who have children that aren't able to come to the reception. Friends who I've known their children their whole lives and am close to them, whereas I've never even met his fiancé or her daughter. (Now an important side note to make here is: he's been married 2x before and this is his 4th engagement.. He has known her for less than a year and just got engaged to her.. So we feel like he loves being engaged and married and is quite chronic about it) After saying no to him 3 times and explaining all the issues at hand, even saying my mother (who is paying for EVERYTHING) has said no, and offered babysitting at the hotel, etc.. He still is persistent. He has called his mother (who hasn't even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner), and finally his brother-the groom. The groom, instead of standing our ground, caved and said that he would talk to me and my mom about it! We then proceeded to argue because he'd changed his mind about the fiance's daughter so easily, when we've been sta ding our ground for 5 months! He said he understood his brothers point now which is that the girl feels like his daughter and its not fair to have his 2 actual daughters (who we have both known their entire lives) at the wedding and not his future step-daughter (whom we have never met). Also, the groom is sick and tired of dealing with the drama so he said screw it and let her come. The problem is that-my friends/family members who've been understanding about the kids not being invited will get upset and offended that an exception has been made and they still couldn't bring their kid. My mom said I either cave under the pressure and explain to people that have a problem w it that I had no choice and was blackmailed or stand my ground still but that it may cause problems in my future family (my in laws). I don't have any idea what to do and I feel like my future sister in law is not trying to be welcomed into the family very well.. I feel like if I give up and let the girl come then I'm going to be very resentful and not forgive my brother in law or sister in law for their selfishness. Help!!

Re: Best man/ No children at the wedding issue

  • If I read this right... you are inviting his daughters to the reception, but not his future stepdaugher?
    If this is the case, invite the stepdaughter. She will be just as much his daughter. You divorce spouses, not children. So even if this marriage falls apart, this girl will still be his daughter.

    There is still time to meet this girl and his fiance, even if it's a 5 second phone conversation, so that argument is moot.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostmanillabar
  • cassghcassgh member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its

    I would have a talk with your fiancé and remind him of the child age rules that you agreed to when you first started planning your wedding.  Since it was him who caved and gave his brother the idea that his future step-daughter could be invited, it should be his responsibility to stand by your side.  Let him know that you have family and friends who have been respectful of your wishes regarding no children at the reception and that it isn't fair to all them to make an exception because the groom's brother can't also be respectful of your wishes.  Have him make sure his brother knows that its not that you have anything against his future step-daughter and are looking forward to her being a part of the family, its just an agreement you made early on in the wedding planning and you need to stick to your guns on this in order to be fair to everyone.

    Not sure if this will help, but best of luck and hopefully your future brother in law stops giving you grief.

  • I'm at a loss and really need advice. My fiancé and I have decided to have our reception at a location that is limited on space. Due to this restriction, we have decided to only invite the children that are actually in the wedding party to the reception. (2 flower girls and 2 ring bearers are my nieces and nephews, junior bridesmaid (15 years old) is the groom's daughter and 2 guest book/welcome girls (15 and 11) are his nieces-his brother's/best man's daughters) we are offering babysitting for those children who would like to attend the ceremony and can't attend the reception. I've explained the size limit and our decision to have wedding party children only at the reception to all my friends that have kids and they've been more than understanding. Now the issue- The groom's brother and best man (I've known him for 12 years and have always viewed him as a brother)- continues to call and hassle me about inviting his fiance's daughter. He's called me 3 times putting pressure on me to make this exception. He says if i dont let her come then his fiance wont come to the wedding!! extremely selfish imo. My fear is that by making this exception I will upset my other friends who have children that aren't able to come to the reception. Friends who I've known their children their whole lives and am close to them, whereas I've never even met his fiancé or her daughter. (Now an important side note to make here is: he's been married 2x before and this is his 4th engagement.. He has known her for less than a year and just got engaged to her.. So we feel like he loves being engaged and married and is quite chronic about it) After saying no to him 3 times and explaining all the issues at hand, even saying my mother (who is paying for EVERYTHING) has said no, and offered babysitting at the hotel, etc.. He still is persistent. He has called his mother (who hasn't even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner), and finally his brother-the groom. The groom, instead of standing our ground, caved and said that he would talk to me and my mom about it! We then proceeded to argue because he'd changed his mind about the fiance's daughter so easily, when we've been sta ding our ground for 5 months! He said he understood his brothers point now which is that the girl feels like his daughter and its not fair to have his 2 actual daughters (who we have both known their entire lives) at the wedding and not his future step-daughter (whom we have never met). Also, the groom is sick and tired of dealing with the drama so he said screw it and let her come. The problem is that-my friends/family members who've been understanding about the kids not being invited will get upset and offended that an exception has been made and they still couldn't bring their kid. My mom said I either cave under the pressure and explain to people that have a problem w it that I had no choice and was blackmailed or stand my ground still but that it may cause problems in my future family (my in laws). I don't have any idea what to do and I feel like my future sister in law is not trying to be welcomed into the family very well.. I feel like if I give up and let the girl come then I'm going to be very resentful and not forgive my brother in law or sister in law for their selfishness. Help!!

    Judgy.

    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLostHisGirlFriday13
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2014
    I'm at a loss and really need advice. My fiancé and I have decided to have our reception at a location that is limited on space. Due to this restriction, we have decided to only invite the children that are actually in the wedding party to the reception. (2 flower girls and 2 ring bearers are my nieces and nephews, junior bridesmaid (15 years old) is the groom's daughter and 2 guest book/welcome girls (15 and 11) are his nieces-his brother's/best man's daughters) we are offering babysitting for those children who would like to attend the ceremony and can't attend the reception. I've explained the size limit and our decision to have wedding party children only at the reception to all my friends that have kids and they've been more than understanding. Now the issue- The groom's brother and best man (I've known him for 12 years and have always viewed him as a brother)- continues to call and hassle me about inviting his fiance's daughter. He's called me 3 times putting pressure on me to make this exception. He says if i dont let her come then his fiance wont come to the wedding!! extremely selfish imo. My fear is that by making this exception I will upset my other friends who have children that aren't able to come to the reception. Friends who I've known their children their whole lives and am close to them, whereas I've never even met his fiancé or her daughter. (Now an important side note to make here is: he's been married 2x before and this is his 4th engagement.. He has known her for less than a year and just got engaged to her.. So we feel like he loves being engaged and married and is quite chronic about it) After saying no to him 3 times and explaining all the issues at hand, even saying my mother (who is paying for EVERYTHING) has said no, and offered babysitting at the hotel, etc.. He still is persistent. He has called his mother (who hasn't even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner), and finally his brother-the groom. The groom, instead of standing our ground, caved and said that he would talk to me and my mom about it! We then proceeded to argue because he'd changed his mind about the fiance's daughter so easily, when we've been sta ding our ground for 5 months! He said he understood his brothers point now which is that the girl feels like his daughter and its not fair to have his 2 actual daughters (who we have both known their entire lives) at the wedding and not his future step-daughter (whom we have never met). Also, the groom is sick and tired of dealing with the drama so he said screw it and let her come. The problem is that-my friends/family members who've been understanding about the kids not being invited will get upset and offended that an exception has been made and they still couldn't bring their kid. My mom said I either cave under the pressure and explain to people that have a problem w it that I had no choice and was blackmailed or stand my ground still but that it may cause problems in my future family (my in laws). I don't have any idea what to do and I feel like my future sister in law is not trying to be welcomed into the family very well.. I feel like if I give up and let the girl come then I'm going to be very resentful and not forgive my brother in law or sister in law for their selfishness. Help!!
    First, hello judgmental, party of one.  It doesn't matter how many times he has been married before or how quickly he got engaged to this girl.

    Also, how do you know that the FI is the one to blame in this situation?  It could just be 100% the best man's idea to keep pressuring you and pestering you.  So don't blame the FI.

    Honestly, I am not sure why you had to make it known why you weren't inviting kids to your wedding It is no one's business why you decided what you did.

    Look I personally think you should allow this exception.  They are going to get married.  This girl is going to be his step-daughter.  They will be family to you.  Honestly, I can see his point.  His two children are going but his soon to be step-daughter is not welcomed.  It is kind of like you are splitting up a family.

    But in the end, you and your FI need to be on the same page.  That is the most important thing.  So make a decision and stick to it.  Your FI should be the one to talk to his brother, not you.  So decide what you both want and then have your FI talk to his brother and make sure that he knows that this is the final decision.  If he keeps pestering you keep repeating "I am sorry but our decision is final."  If you don't invite the kid and the FI doesn't come then oh well.  But in the end, you need to decide what is more important, stick to a rule you put in place or creating potential family drama that could last years.
    **Copy and pasted from one of the other duplicate posts since this one is the most active. Oh I love when the TK has such fun glitches!

    PrettyGirlLost
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hold up - you're inviting his biological daughters but not his soon-to-be stepdaughter?  WTF?



    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • You're being ridiculous. You don't tell him 2 of his 3 daughters can come. You also don't assign people to the guest book.
    MairePoppyKeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    Sorry, the brother/best man is right. The fi's daughter is part of his immediate family and should be treated the same as his bio children. It would be very rude for other guests to challenge you on why you invited her, your future niece,  to the wedding. 


    Peterwendie said:My mom said I either cave under the pressure and explain to people that have a problem w it that I had no choice and was blackmailed or stand my ground still but that it may cause problems in my future family (my in laws). I don't have any idea what to do and I feel like my future sister in law is not trying to be welcomed into the family very well.. I feel like if I give up and let the girl come then I'm going to be very resentful and not forgive my brother in law or sister in law for their selfishness. Help!!
    I've got news for you. You're the one causing a problem with the FILs by excluding the little girl. If your mother doesn't want to pay for her meal, you and fi should pay and not mention it to anyone. Your mother gave you some very bad advice. She sounds like a real peach.
                       
    PrettyGirlLost
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You are wrong, your FI is right! Your FI's BM is his brother. That makes his FI and her daughter family. How would you feel if you had a child and your FI's brother said she couldn't come to his wedding because you guys weren't married yet so she isn't family? Any of your friends who can't understand that this girl is going to be your family and not just a friend are stupid. I also don't think it's right if your FBIL treats this girl like his daughter to split up his family and say some of his children can come, but some of them can't.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Wait a second.

    You're denying the BEST MAN -- THE GROOM'S FUCKING BROTHER -- the right to bring his soon-to-be-step-daughter, but you are inviting his biological children, and you think HE'S the one being selfish.

    Yeah, no.

    Your friends (should) understand that exceptions are made for family members. If anyone is gauche enough to inquire as to why their children weren't invited and this other child was, you say, 'We had to limit children to family only, of course you understand.'

    My cousin's children (my first cousins once removed) were invited to our wedding. My father's friend's children -- same age as my cousins -- weren't, on account of my cousin's kids are family and my dad's friend's kids aren't.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
  • I appreciate all of your responses and have taken your advice. Thanks! When we originally planned the wedding and guest list (and made the rule that only kids IN the wedding with roles were invited) my future BIL had just started dating her. So we explained to him at that point the situation. He recently got engaged to her and started asking for her to be invited. It wasn't that we didnt want family children included we just wanted the strict line of only kids that were actually IN the wedding. We have remedied our way of thinking and have invited her and will deal w any backlash from other family members who's kids can't come. Any suggestions on what to say there?
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I appreciate all of your responses and have taken your advice. Thanks! When we originally planned the wedding and guest list (and made the rule that only kids IN the wedding with roles were invited) my future BIL had just started dating her. So we explained to him at that point the situation. He recently got engaged to her and started asking for her to be invited. It wasn't that we didnt want family children included we just wanted the strict line of only kids that were actually IN the wedding. We have remedied our way of thinking and have invited her and will deal w any backlash from other family members who's kids can't come. Any suggestions on what to say there?
    Yeah, you just say "I am sorry that you are upset."  And leave it at that.  If they are rude enough to bitch about the fact that their children were not invited then they don't really deserve any detailed response.

    KeptInStitchesNYCBruinMairePoppyPrettyGirlLost
  • I appreciate all of your responses and have taken your advice. Thanks! When we originally planned the wedding and guest list (and made the rule that only kids IN the wedding with roles were invited) my future BIL had just started dating her. So we explained to him at that point the situation. He recently got engaged to her and started asking for her to be invited. It wasn't that we didnt want family children included we just wanted the strict line of only kids that were actually IN the wedding. We have remedied our way of thinking and have invited her and will deal w any backlash from other family members who's kids can't come. Any suggestions on what to say there?
    Yeah, you just say "I am sorry that you are upset."  And leave it at that.  If they are rude enough to bitch about the fact that their children were not invited then they don't really deserve any detailed response.
    Pretty much this.

    I mean, not only is this guy in the bridal party, but he is your fiance's brother. If other guests actually question why he gets to bring his kids and they don't, then these guests have a whole different load of issues.



    I'm all for picking and choosing kids and saying which can and can't attend. Sorry, if you're a brat you might not get invited everywhere. Same with adults. Not all adults get invited to events if I don't like them.
    Having said that, my boyfriend's cousin got married several years ago and only invited some cousins and not others. The bride and groom did what you want to do.. only invite the kids IN the wedding party. So a flower girl was invited, but not her little brother, only 2 years younger than she is. The bride's aunt was annoyed. Not because her speshul snowflake was left out. Not because the brother cared (he couldn't care less) but because it made it evident that her flowergirl daughter was ONLY being used as a prop, seeing as how the bride wasn't especially closer to the flowergirl than her little brother. Of course I'm not saying this is the case with your wedding, but it might be coming across that way. You're finding random tasks and jobs for some of the kids to do and leaving other little kids out. It doesn't have to be all kids or no kids, but if you're making excuses for some kids and not other kids, then it comes across as hurtful. It's the same way with adults. If you were giving adults random tasks to do just so you would have an excuse to invite them, then it would be just as weird. "Aunt Sally is going to be guarding the gift table, of course Aunt Sally can come. But Aunt Susie doesn't have a task so she can't come." Weird, right?
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards